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To resent partner since having baby

(81 Posts)
newmum1611 Fri 07-Dec-18 00:15:11

I feel a bit resentful as I don’t feel like his life has changed since we had our baby 3 weeks ago.

For example I do all the night feeds, all the nappy changes. When he’s crying at dinner time it’s me that doesn’t eat as I have to pick him up. Silly things like I want the lamp left on as baby stirs in a night feed when lights are turned off but partner turned it off anyway.

He seems to be doing normal life like playing football etc whereas I’m lucky if I have 5 minutes to get showered.

For example tonight he got in from work and had already eaten dinner etc and I still had to hold baby whilst trying to eat one handed

He did lots of housework and cooking during paternity but I feel like he sees the baby as my problem not his.

Sorry I’m so tired and hormonal and just wanted it off my chest.

hammeringinmyhead Fri 07-Dec-18 00:26:56

You need to speak to him. Firmly. You are both the baby's parents. If he has already eaten, why isn't he taking the baby so you can eat? What was he doing?

I know it's a bit passive aggressive but a proper meltdown at him will probably do the trick.

hammeringinmyhead Fri 07-Dec-18 00:28:25

Oh, and working hard all day doesn't mean he gets to come home and switch off from 6-11pm either so don't take that ad an excuse. A baby is a 24 hour job!

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 07-Dec-18 00:28:41

Why on earth isn’t he changing nappies?

What happens if you give him the baby, go go a bath and lock the bathroom door?

He’s being useless. Tell him it’s time to step up. It’s his baby you, he wouldn’t be helping, he’d be parenting and you need breaks.

Sorry you’re having a tough time and congratulations on your baby flowers

Aquamarine1029 Fri 07-Dec-18 00:29:46

Why aren't you telling him this?

DeadDoorpost Fri 07-Dec-18 00:30:20

I genuinely think for a lot of men it's like this, as though their life hasn't changed until the 9 month mark kicks in when the baby is usually very aware and actively interacting. My DH was exactly the same. But since DS has been walking and getting up to all sorts of mischief, DH has been way more of a help.

Definitely speak to your partner about it though. Otherwise it will all build up and then it'll be even worse.

Bigonesmallone3 Fri 07-Dec-18 00:31:16

I think it's very common to feel resentful
'Why has my life changed so much and yours hasn't' kind of thing
I know I deffo did for a while, i think it's important to communicate and say
'I could do with a hand'
Like you said it's all very fresh and your hormonal.

MrsTerryPratcett Fri 07-Dec-18 00:33:08

Two things...

One, tell him to sort his shit out, he's a father now.

Two, welcome to realizing why we need feminism. Enjoy carrying the mental load, feeling like an unpaid skivvy and being completely pigeonholed.

newmum1611 Fri 07-Dec-18 00:33:22

If I leave him with baby he comes to find me after 5-10 mins to take him back. No idea why he’s not doing nappies.
I honestly don’t know why he doesn’t hold him more if he’s slresdy eaten. He’ll put baby down and then when baby starts screaming it’s me that goes to him regardless of what I’m trying to do

Earlier I asked him to watch baby so I could go to the toilet and he just literally watched him cry until I came back acting like I’d adked something massive as he was trying to watch tv!

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Fri 07-Dec-18 00:37:17

But why don’t you just hand the baby to him and leave? Even just to take a nap, or a bath or dick about on mumsnet.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox Fri 07-Dec-18 00:38:24

Cross post, tell him that you are having a break and he cannot disturb you. Don’t allow him to behave like this

Disquieted1 Fri 07-Dec-18 00:39:50

Assuming this is your first child, what you are describing is 100% familiar to most of us.
Like you, he's a new parent who doesn't have a handbook. Give him a kick up the arse, spell out the reality of what being a dad involves and I'm sure he'll adapt.

Congratulations and best wishes.

YourMilkshakeIsBetterThanMine Fri 07-Dec-18 00:50:47

This was us with DD1. DH was a total and utter knob and I swear I hated him. Proper hated the bones of him. I was ebf and DD only wanted me a lot of the time but DH could have done waaaay more to look after ME. He'd just look after himself! I'd be sitting tired/hungry/thirsty/sore and he'd just think life was the same. He was loads better with DC2 and 3 but I dragged my heels for ages before having DC2 because he'd been so shit the first time.

You need to give your DP merry hell. Life has changed for both of you! He can jolly well do his share AND help look after you. You're still post partum and need to recover.

poppymatilda Fri 07-Dec-18 00:52:35

This is madness. Presumably you made a joint decision to have the baby and it was something you both wanted. That being the case, you jointly parent the baby. End of.

I get that there's an imbalance now he's back at work and that you might do more night feeds (particularly if you're bf) but he needs to play his part too.

Our DD is 5 weeks old. Our situation is different because my DH has taken 4 months off work for paternity leave so is at home. We've shared duties to suit us best - e.g. I do more 3am feeds because he finds it really hard to go back to sleep after them and I don't. But he tends to do most of the mornings - the 6am and 9am feeds - so I can sleep in. I'm more organised so I tend to do the bottle sterilizing regime more often and sort the life admin, whereas he's more patient so great with DD when she's screaming/won't settle etc and I get in a tizz.
Obviously it's much easier for us because we're both off but my point is that we don't just slavish demand each does 50% of everything, we try to play to each of our strengths and preferences. Maybe you could try this approach? Also, why not arrange to meet a friend for a drink and leave DC with him one evening? Then you can return the favour if he wants to go out.

AjasLipstick Fri 07-Dec-18 00:53:41

I've noticed this phenomenon with EBF babies. I bottle fed and as a result, DH had to get involved...fathers of BF babies are often lazy because the Mother does most of the work by dint of being the one with breasts. I am sure there are bottle fed babies with lazy dads too mind you.

As others have said, hand the baby to him and just fuck off. Go for a bath. Walk. Whatever

Limpshade Fri 07-Dec-18 01:01:26

"I have to go to him."

No, you don't. Either say, "DP, pick up the baby, please, I'm eating", or if you must, pick him up yourself but then hand him over with, "I'm eating right now."

DH was properly crap when DD1 arrived. I used to run a bath and say, "OK, DH, bath's run. You guys have fun!" and pass the baby straight over. Or I'd say, "Oops, DD1, looks like your happy needs changing!" And do the same. Very passive aggressive of me but I'd bloody earned those little breaks by the end of the day and he got the message in the end. Otherwise there would not have been a DD2.

mathanxiety Fri 07-Dec-18 01:22:21

YY to A baby is a 24 hour job
It is not your 24 hour job just because you are on maternity leave.
It is his job too by dint of the fact that it is his baby.
He needs to be told that.

Tell him exactly what to do when his baby cries.
Use the term 'our' or 'your' when speaking of the baby.
If 'Watch him' seems to mean stand there and look at him, and you mean 'Pick him up and walk around while singing soothing songs', then it looks as if you need to spell it all out. You wouldn't think you would have to do this with a grown adult - and you shouldn't - but there are men who have very little cop on, whose expertise is limited to a very narrow area (usually their work, but can encompass football history and stats). It looks as if you have such a specimen on your hands.

At dinner time, tell him to pick up his baby so you can eat. Don't make a move. Tell him his baby needs to be burped or his nappy changed, or his baby needs to be carried around while his daddy sings to him.

Tell him you will collapse and become ill if you do not get to eat your full dinner each day. This is true by the way. You really will be run ragged. You need to eat and you need to know he can be relied upon to let you do that. You are breastfeeding. He should come home and get dinner from kitchen to table and should get you a hot or cold drink, and should ideally be leaping up to allow you to eat. He is not breastfeeding and he is not recovering from pregnancy or childbirth. He is fit enough to play football so he is fit enough to give you a chance to eat regardless of how hungry he is.

If he comes to get you after 5-10 minutes tell him you won't be available for baby duty for another 30-45 minutes. If you don't have a lock for the bathroom door, get one. Even if you run water and sit there with earplugs in it's important to make your point.

Tell him to forget about football for a month or so. It's Christmas anyway.

Get a sling for DH to use. If you can, go out together at weekends for a walk, with DH carrying his baby in the sling.

mathanxiety Fri 07-Dec-18 01:24:43

And you need to get him to make you a lunch every evening for the next day. He could put together a sandwich, or find a tin of soup and set it out for you. This is to make the point that his role while you are breastfeeding is to feed you.

MrsStrowman Fri 07-Dec-18 01:41:37

Our baby is five days old, he has tongue tie and is struggling to latch so I'm mixed feeding until next week when he has his tongue tie appointment, when I'm not fruitlessly trying to breast feed I'm hooked up to a pump and it's not enough so we're having to give formula. DH is really trying I sat on the bed earlier to plug my phone in before having a shower, he noticed I'd fallen asleep brought me a drink left it on the bedside table, and turned the lights off knowing if he'd woken me I would've been straight back up again, he took baby to the furthest party of the house so even if he whimpered I wouldn't be disturbed. He's doing the bulk of nappy changes etc, and we're sharing other things, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, food for us and so on. However twice I've expressed today, an hour and I'm lucky to get 30-40mls we've been cup feeding it to DS prior to topping up with a bottle on the advice of midwife, to stop supply drying up and do DS is used to more than formula. DH had a go earlier and spilled half of it down DSs face and about an hour ago I went to empty the nursery and bathroom bins before feeding DS having left my second tiny amount of hard won breast milk in the kitchen. Came down and it was gone, DH was being helpful and washed and sterilised my pump and the collection bottle, when I asked where my milk had gone he said he hadn't seen anything in the bottle. I cried, an hour hunched over a pump, bruised nipples and it had just been washed down the sink. Your DH needs to pull his weight.

ILoveHumanity Fri 07-Dec-18 01:52:58

He either looks after baby

Or looks after you do you can do double shift with baby.

I hear you OP. It’s most first time dads m.

(MIL telling him I’m not treating him like a “man” because I’m not being subservient enough)

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 07-Dec-18 02:23:55

It’s really tough in the beginning. I ebf dd. I think may you need to be more factual and direct. He took watching the baby very literally, which makes me think he needs direction and given instructions. State exactly what your expectations are. “(Husband name) cuddle and play with ds while I do x. Change his nappy if he poos/at x time. I will be back in x amount of time.”

And yy to an explanation that you need to eat so the baby eats. Make him wait. “(Husbands name) ds will be hungry if I don’t eat. Go and hold him while I eat.”

Idk if this will work. However if you complain I don’t think you’ll get anywhere near as far as if you state expectations.

That sounds tough - ouch. Try expressing first thing in the morning first thing before feeding. Your milk takes about 20 mins or so to replenish after that. Supply normally dwindles as the day progresses so getting the expressing in first thing and another one in the morning will hopefully help.

As for sitting on the pump for an hour, I don’t think that will help. Is it a double pump? Express until the milk has come out. Pumping is far faster than breastfeeding. This usually takes no longer than 10 mins probably a lot faster for you as you’re not yet producing quantities for such a tiny baby. After the 10 mins put your pump to one side for half an hour then try again. This will preserve your nipples and allow your milk to replenish.

I actually didn’t resterilise my pump every time I expressed. At the time (10 years ago) I read breast milk could last at room temperature for something like 8 hours. Therefore I decided it was fine to not sterilise each time. Dd was around 2 months old though when I started expressing. If you decide to do this, you could just resterilise the rubbery inserts, which are in contact with your skin and keep your pump in the corner somewhere under a clean tea towel or in a tub if you have one large enough.

MrsStrowman Fri 07-Dec-18 02:33:02

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you for the tips, it's a single one so half hour on each side, I'm offering breast to baby each time he feeds too before the bottle, he tries bless him but just can't latch properly yet. I really wanted to be able to breast feed and DS seems keen to (he tried to
suckle DHs chest earlier.. ) so I want to do everything I can to keep his interest and get my supply to kick in properly. DH is generally very good but I was so upset. He came to say sorry brought me tea and then asked if I wanted him to leave me alone for a bit, I know he didn't do it on purpose.

Graphista Fri 07-Dec-18 02:40:14

I swear mn is becoming a damn good advertisement for staying single for women!!

Wtf is wrong with men these days?!

NONE of the main men in my life would EVER behave like this! And I am not talking particularly enlightened men here but they're not lazy Sods who think they need do NOTHING for their own children!

Op get him told! Jesus your body will hardly have BEGUN to recover from the birth yet and he's pissing off playing football? NO!!!!!!

He goes to work he gets home and he damn well stays put and supports you and parents HIS child.

Bf is only ONE aspect of baby care AND he should be picking up the slack with housework too!

Jesus even my granda's who'd be well into their 90'a now changed nappies, made sure my grans got to eat their dinner in peace, paced with colicky/teething babies when mum needed a break.

My ex after he went back to work when he got in of an evening I handed baby to him and jumped in bath/shower, I'd made dinner (but at this point it tended to be one pot wonders or freezer to oven jobs) and it'd be cooking. When I got out bathroom I'd serve up, we'd take it in turns holding dd if she was clingy/fractious and generally this meant we both got to eat while it was relatively warm. Ex would do dishes and put a laundry on. Then he'd bath dd and do her bedtime routine with her until she needed fed then back to me for feed (I also bf) I'd go bed early after popping that laundry on to dry. Quick tidy up. Dd was sleeping in living room and when she first woke he'd see to her, change nappy if needed etc then wake me when she was ready for a feed. At that point he'd also be ready for bed. We all co-slept (found it much easier those first few months) she'd wake for a feed once or twice a night and ex would get me a drink if needed. He was up early for working out and getting ready for work so he used to take her with him. (Either in buggy and he'd jog with her or he'd sort of use her as weights for certain exercises and pop her in bouncy chair for the rest) then he'd wake me up just before he left for work and I'd be "on" while he was at work. At weekends we took turns having "lie ins" and both did housework. He was also a sporty type and even a team captain for a few things, but that went on hold until I was ready for him to go back and even then it wasn't all at once and certainly not 3 bloody weeks after the birth!!

Frankly if he has the sodding energy this early on to do bloody football there's NO WAY he's doing enough!

I'm guessing you're also doing almost all the housework, shopping, cooking too?

Jesus if my ex has tried what yours is not only would I have kicked his arse so would both our mothers! His especially! ONCE when we were at hers and I started a bf he didn't IMMEDIATELY get me a drink and now ex mil (god I miss her) went "oi! Ds get that lass a drink she's feeding YOUR baby and needs to keep her fluids up!" Ex jumped straight to it.

My mum even now and I'm in my 40's says dad was better than her for sorting us when we were teething/colicky. She used to get stressed and we'd pick up on it whereas he was just totally chilled about it. When one of my dns pre food allergy Dx was having a REALLY bad night he went over to my sis' middle of night and got Dn to calm right down.

Women are no better and men no worse at looking after babies. It's a skill it takes practice.

My dads the eldest in a big family is probably part of it so he was used to babies and small children and it didn't phase him at all. My mum is too but hormones and recovering from pregnancy/childbirth add to the stress of course. She's also a different personality, a worrier.

So anyway, yes get him told!

"Dp you are perfectly capable of changing nappies, soothing baby, holding baby while I need to do other things, putting laundry on, cleaning & tidying and fetching me drinks while I'm feeding ALL of which you need to do right now as a dp and FATHER. Football needs to go on hold until we BOTH agree a suitable return point when WE aren't needing you as much as now. You are a FATHER now life is NOT the same and never will be".

PrimeraVez Fri 07-Dec-18 02:46:31

@MrsStrowman When I read your post, my heart totally went out to you. Both my boys were badly tongue tied and so the feeling of sheer exhaustion and shredded nipples is something that is very familiar to me!

Is there anyway you can see someone privately to get it snipped? A week is a long time to wait. I waited a week with DS1 and it was horrendous. With DS2, we had his cut when he was just 2 days old and it was a complete game changer for us - no damaged nipples for me and no weight loss for him.
I’m back at work already and am still pumping for DS2 who is 5 months now - I don’t sterilise my pump each time. If there’s only a few hours between pumping sessions, I just stick the whole thing in the fridge to keep it cool and it’s fine.

Wishing you lots of luck and congrats on the new baby!

Graphista Fri 07-Dec-18 02:47:12

Mrs strowman that sounds really tough.

I have no experience of tongue tie but dd was very poorly when she was born (as was I we both nearly died) so was tube fed initially. Also emcs so my milk took longer to come in - it can take a while up to 10 days sometimes.

She was then put on bottles in the hospital but when we got home I asked mw to help me get bf and we did! Took some effort but we cracked it and I'm so glad we did.

You say tea is that normal builders brew? Cos you can get herbal teas that stimulate milk production. Drinking plenty just generally helps. I'm normally someone who forgets to drink but wow I was always so thirsty while bf.

But most importantly try not to stress about it your milk coming in. It will and stress is counterproductive anyway.

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