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To think you can't be a "nice guy" if you use prostitutes for sex?

(448 Posts)
NotMyOriginalName1 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:22:33

Or can you?

In short, somebody I've known for a number of years openly admits to visiting sex workers and has deluded himself into believing he's one of the good guys and isn't exploitative. He spouts bullshit about having respect for the women he sees and thinks they adore his charming company.

I've lost what respect I have for him.

Unbeknownst to him I have personal experience of these situations, I was a sex worker in my late teens and what lead me there was an abusive relationship. I never felt respected by one single 'customer' in fact it was the 'good guys' who made my skin crawl the most.

Aibu to say he's an exploitative c-u-next-tuesday or am I jaded as a result my own trauma?

Nothisispatrick Thu 06-Dec-18 14:38:39

I agree with you. In fact I wouldn’t be friends with someone who used prostitutes.

Gileswithachainsaw Thu 06-Dec-18 14:39:59

Not every sex worker has an abusive or exploitative route into it though so you can't apply your personal experiences to everyone & judge by those standards

No one wakesnuo one day and thinks to themselves I'll have sex for money.

There's an arsehole bloke there some where.

Whether it's saving up money to leave them. Paying back debt you got into loaning them.money. feeling worthless and unemployable cos of how you were treated by them.etc

cheesydoesit Thu 06-Dec-18 14:41:59

Eurgh, YANBU. He's a piece of shit, any man that pays for sex is.

ButteryParsnips Thu 06-Dec-18 14:43:21

thinks they adore his charming company

So much so that he has to pay them to endure it? Ask him if anyone has ever told him 'that one's on the house as you're such a lovely guy'.

Also
how can I possibly know" what goes through the minds of the women he sees

And how can he know what's really in the minds of women he's paying to flatter him?

This is (yet another) example of a man asserting he knows more about something than a woman who is more well informed on th subject than he is, just because he's a man and therefore right. hmm

NottonightJosepheen Thu 06-Dec-18 14:45:32

How does a 'nice guy' reconcile being nice with believing he has a right to physical intimacy with another human by paying a few pounds. That is not true consent. Would he ever entertain the idea of he, himself, giving up bodily autonomy for money? Why not? Is he more special? Or his mother?
Nope. I have zero tolerance. I cannot justify buying another human's sexual favours.

I cannot abide older (comparatively) richer women buying younger men in sex tourist destinations either. Fuck off. No one is entitled to sex with anyone but a genuinely consenting peer of oneself.

Omgineedanamechange Thu 06-Dec-18 14:46:31

Love the idea that you, a woman, canno possibly know what’s going the through the minds of other women, but he, a man can. I’m fairly sure that’s one of the rules of misogyny.

Rudolphie Thu 06-Dec-18 14:46:49

I know females and males who work in that industry and are very content doing so and not all of their clients are hated by them. Some they have found good friendships outside of the bedroom with guys / girls. I do not think the act of paying for sex (often men are paying for company or affection) necessarily makes them a bad guy. I would not be happy if my other half did it whilst being in a relationship with me but outside that I do not judge it any differently than a guy in a pub buying a girl a few drinks or taking her to dinner and thinking his luck was in. In fact I think the first option is more likely to be the female coming out on top (or male being chatted up - do not want to project sex here). Most people in that profession are more cautious about their sexual health than people playing around on tinder / grinder.

I don’t think it’s a make or break.

NottonightJosepheen Thu 06-Dec-18 14:49:07

I just can't be turned on by the idea that someone rents their orifices to me for money. My human empathy would be a buzz kill.

53rdWay Thu 06-Dec-18 14:49:25

I do not judge it any differently than a guy in a pub buying a girl a few drinks or taking her to dinner and thinking his luck was in.

You wouldn't judge a man who thought "well I've bought her two drinks and a nice dinner so now she has to have sex with me"? Really?

prole Thu 06-Dec-18 14:50:02

I consider myself a not-especially-nice guy and couldn't engage a prostitute. Sex is between consenting adults. You can't buy consent. So this plus a hundred other reasons.

I visited Amsterdam some years ago. I was amazed at the number of my male (mostly married) workmates who strongly encouraged me to go to a prostitute. When I replied I couldn't and wouldn't; their suggested compromise was to "just get a hand job".

OP he's very far from 'nice'.

Nicknamesalltaken Thu 06-Dec-18 14:51:17

God no.

He has a ridiculously high opinion of himself, probably telling himself he isn’t like the other punters, feels he is entitled to sex, pays for someone’s consent and perpetuates the myth that some women voluntarily enter prostitution or actually enjoy it.

If he felt some sense of shame or embarrassment- just an inkling that it isn’t right or normal - for what he’s doing I might have a smidgen of regard for him, at least he’d have some self-awareness but he absolutely doesn’t.

He isn’t a nice guy. In fact he’s far, far from it.

RatRolyPoly Thu 06-Dec-18 14:53:01

YANBU OP.

Rudolphie Thu 06-Dec-18 14:54:42

And that is a massive judgement by a Pp saying that no woman wakes up and decides to go into that line of work without an arsehole man behind her.... yes I completely agree there is a HUGE global issue with trafficking and prostitution but that is not everyone. For some students and then professionals it offers a very quick (time wise) income that believe or not some people enjoy as much as we all enjoy our jobs.

RatRolyPoly Thu 06-Dec-18 14:56:13

And that is a massive judgement by a Pp saying that no woman wakes up and decides to go into that line of work without an arsehole man behind her

I'm sure some women go into it completely of their own accord. I have no problem whatsoever with that and I make no judgement at all.

But the punters are always scum.

stevie69 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:57:23

Nice men do not pay for sex.

So .... is it possible to be a nice woman and pay for sex?

SpamChaudFroid Thu 06-Dec-18 14:57:33

It's such a giant act of misogyny, buying "consent" from a woman, so no, I wouldn't want to be friends with a man who did this.

And his attempt at mansplaining that he's a nice guy, I couldn't listen to that without feeling stabby either.

RatRolyPoly Thu 06-Dec-18 14:58:18

So .... is it possible to be a nice woman and pay for sex?

Nice people don't pay for sex.

vampirethriller Thu 06-Dec-18 14:58:31

I was a prostitute for nearly ten years because I was forced into it with violence. Nice guys are the worst. Your heart sinks when you see them back again. They think you do the job because you love sex, because you like them personally. They push boundaries with time and money and services because "we're more like friends aren't we." Which means the man I had to give the money to was angry with me because they made the next guy late and so on. Nice guys usually had wives and girlfriends, would chat about their children tell me they never got sex at home.
In short the "nice guys" were not, ever, nice.

stevie69 Thu 06-Dec-18 14:59:20

I beg to differ. Anyway, who's defining 'nice'?

RatRolyPoly Thu 06-Dec-18 14:59:32

flowers vampire

RatRolyPoly Thu 06-Dec-18 15:00:56

I beg to differ. Anyway, who's defining 'nice'?

It's my personal opinion, you're welcome to disagree. One person's "nice" is another person's "can't stand 'em", but for me I won't be putting someone who coerces somebody into sex on my nice list any time soon.

crochetmonkey74 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:01:20

no way

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:01:33

He’s not a nice guy. Withdrawing your friendship might have a good impact.

Most bad things done to people are done in the name of being okay and acceptable. They are still bad things.

Sex working is murky as there is a lie sold that sex isn’t bad, it isn’t abusive if you don’t use violence, that it’s totally okay for a woman to choose to do this, it’s her choice.

The reality is complicated and dark. It’s basically not okay.

SpamChaudFroid Thu 06-Dec-18 15:02:35

So .... is it possible to be a nice woman and pay for sex? Maybe stevie69. Except there's scant evidence that women pay for "consent." It's a myth. Besides, OP wasn't talking about her female friend paying prostitutes, she was asking our opinion on her male friend.

Bananasinpyjamas11 Thu 06-Dec-18 15:03:04

Also flowers @vampire

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