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AIBU?

Completely shocked by BIL

278 replies

kelliejr · 04/12/2018 02:23

DH and I called round to his sisters house after work at 8.30 to pick up some tools to do DIY in our house. She told us she was putting their 4 year old DS to bed to her DH would be downstairs to answer the door, just knock on the patio.
When her DH answered there was a very strong smell of weed and he had clearly smoked judging by his voice and eyes.
Their DS and SIL heard us knock and called for my DH to come up from the patio to say good night... he told me there was no smell of weed upstairs thankfully. When my DH said to his sister "why the hell is there a smell of weed downstairs?!" She was quite defensive of her DH.

For some reason it's really upset me. To think my SIL was upstairs putting their DS to bed whilst her DH was downstairs smoking weed. I'm just a bit shocked. It's of course not my place to say anything but I could see on my DH's face it upset him too to think our nephew is in that environment.

I have no proof he smoked in the house, but the smell was quite strong so he must of smoked it not long before we called. Both of us are just a bit taken a back and not sure how to feel about it. We also don't know if SIL smokes it or is it just BIL.

Any advice? AIBU to feel annoyed/shocked? Do you think my DH needs to speak to his parents about it?

Please no nasty comments, I'm not on a witch hunt for these people as we have always gotten on well... which is probably why it shocks me more.

OP posts:

Report

LiquoricePickle · 04/12/2018 02:36

I think you probably will get some hurtful comments about pearl clutching and interfering.

Why would your DH speak to his parents about what a fully grown man does in the privacy of his own home whilst he is not responsible for his children?

YANBU to feel shocked, but you would be unreasonable to interfere unless there is a good reason too.

RCohle · 04/12/2018 02:37

Well I don't think it's unreasonable of you to be surprised if you didn't know he/they smoked weed but there seems to be an element of moral panic to you post which I think is unnecessary.

Unless you have any concerns about their care of your nephew, then what your BIL does is his own home isn't really your concern. It doesn't appear your SIL has any problem with it and many people these days don't see weed as any "worse" than drinking.

I'm not sure why informing your in laws would be necessary. Are you expecting a grown woman to get a telling off from her parents?

selepele · 04/12/2018 02:39

im not a smoker and i hate the smell of smoke but it is their house, i think you're unreasonable to be shocked, weed is very common these days unfortunately

AnotherRoadsideAttraction · 04/12/2018 02:43

Back off. None of your business. Sorry.

AjasLipstick · 04/12/2018 02:47

God help us all.

Won't somebody think of the CHILDREN!

It's fine OP.

jade9390 · 04/12/2018 03:07

As a non smoker, weed really stinks. I smell it on the street and in the hallway, it seeps down from the person upstairs so might have even been smoked outside. If he is smoking it when the child is upstairs and not even in front of them, he has some consideration but it might be even be her or both of them. Best not to say anything, it is not your business, in this day and age, her parents might even smoke it.

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2018 03:15

I’m very curious about what you expect your DH’s parents to do should you tell them?

I don’t smoke weed or do illegal drugs so I have no reason to be defensive but it seems like your level of shock/horror/hysteria seems quite disproportionate to the situation.

I take it your nephew is well cared for? I’m sure you would have already noticed if this was not the case. The BIL was obviously not smoking around your nephew. It also seems as that the BIL was not even immediately responsible for your nephew at the time given SIL was physically with the nephew.

I really don’t understand what you are trying to achieve with this?

1forAll74 · 04/12/2018 03:30

NO need to tell any parents about this discovery of yours, just maybe chill out, like the weed smokers do, at least this is what I am told happens.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 04/12/2018 03:45

I hate weed, but it is really not a big deal. It is definitely no worse than a drink, would your DH be such a twat if it was bottle of beer? Telling his mum and dad, bloody hell, he is weird.

Bluerussian · 04/12/2018 04:02

Forget it, a little bit in the evening is not a problem apart from it being not your business.

OliveSeaTurtle · 04/12/2018 04:15

Non smoker & hate the smell. But I agree with other posters, no need to tell a grown man's parents about what he does in his free time, there was no smell of smoke upstairs so the children aren't being affected.

They were doing you a favour by lending you some tools, as part of this you have entered their home and encountered what BIL gets up to in his free time away from the children. It's not your place to judge, it was kind of them to lend the tools.

People smoke occasional marijuana for different purposes, medical, pain relief, stress relief etc.

Studies have found no detrimental effects to health unless it's 'hash' which is the cheaper alternative which has been linked to psychosis after long term use. But knowing friends who occasionally smoke it and taking an interest in the politics of it, hardly anyone ever smokes hash anyway. People want 'good' marijuana.

There's something I feel almost uncomfortable about, that you've gone to borrow some tools and left judging the lifestyle of BIL enough to consider telling his parents.

As long as his children are fine, leave him be :)

BeanBagLady · 04/12/2018 05:00

It seems highly likely that BIL waited til his child was being put to bed and out of the way.

‘That environment’! What ‘environment’? Is the child well cared for, loved and healthy? How many MNers ‘crack open’ the wine in an evening?

Yidette86 · 04/12/2018 05:24

I have to agree with the other posters, especially with telling a grown mans parents... Does seem rather silly and ott, not sure what you're expecting out of that.

Unless there's other issues I really do think you need to mind your own business and stop judging.

Yidette86 · 04/12/2018 05:27

And studies actually show alcohol does more damage than weed, yet I doubt you or your husband would have the same reaction if he had a drink in his hand.

Just like most things... Ok in moderation and as long as it's not affecting their parenting negatively.

blackcat86 · 04/12/2018 05:32

Is DN well cared for? Is Sil happy in her marriage? I personally don't agree with minimising illegal drug use in a house with a child but there isn't much you can actually do without distancing yourself from them. A friend of DHs brought her son round and I later found out that she had smoked weed in our garden. I found this quite immature and disrespectful so she won't ever be invited back, and we have generally distanced ourselves.

flumpybear · 04/12/2018 05:34

I don't smoke or do drugs, never have, but think you're being a total pearl clutched!
He's not exactly doing crack in front of his children ffs!
Chill out and look out for your own children

ILoveHumanity · 04/12/2018 06:23

Op you sound like you really care.. which is good.

1- don’t inform the parents because they will only worry and that’s not Fair on them. They won’t be able to make a difference.
2- the best thing you can do for your sil and her kids, is Make sure you are positive influence in their lives. They will only be able to come out of this themselves when they want to help themselves
3- don’t make any judgements or assumptions and try to not dwell on this. If it’s clear evidence the DH smokes but not the sister then don’t validate that assumption in ur head
4- If weed is against strong moral values of yours (it is to me) and the whole essence of how they obtain it and who they hang out with or interact with, then think of ways to renew your boundaries accordingly so you don’t feel it affects you or your kids.
5- take time away a bit until you process your feelings about this as understandable you are shocked, but you don’t have a right to behave irrationally based on feelings. Nor should you influence your DH to do so.
6- after you have taken time out to process, and feel logical/rational, then think of creative ways to advise them indirectly, without being confrontational or interrogative. And just hope for the best

ILoveHumanity · 04/12/2018 06:26

If however you worry about the safety of some vulnerable and you feel intervention is necessary.. then give us more details so we can help.

But based on the details you have, you don’t have proof.

If you suspect that the kids might be compromised, then I guess spend more time with the kids until your suspicions are answered with facts.

ILoveHumanity · 04/12/2018 06:28

But I don’t blame you for being on edge... this is ur natural warning system as an adult, who is a parent, seeing signs of something that could be associated with detrimental parenting.

It does become our business when vulnerable people are affected. But just try to work out first whether that’s true and don’t be haste

Stormtrooper1986 · 04/12/2018 06:33

I would be concerned!

Does he drive at all? If so the cannabis will be in his system for some time after he’s smoked it , drug driving is no different from drink driving - and if so is your sister happy to let him drive their child whilst under the influence of drugs?

Cannabis is still a class b drug, it is still illegal.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2018 06:35

Do you have any suspicions that anything risky is happening or is it only that he was having one spliff if the evening when his son was being put to bed so not around? Are you really going to tell on him to the parents?

Unless you think there's actually a problem keep out of it, it's clearly not a crack den.

NerrSnerr · 04/12/2018 06:37

@Stormtrooper1986 would you be concerned about drink driving if someone was having a glass of wine in their own home in the evening? There is nothing to suggest in the OP that he was going to drive anywhere.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 04/12/2018 06:53

what ILoveHumanity said.

I would be very disappointed and would hate to think of my nephew in that environment but sadly there's very little you can do.

It's fine OP.

no it isn't, its illegal so had to be obtained by illegal means. It also has been linked to paranoia, anxiety and scizophrenia(sp) and other mental health problems. You are not being pearl clutchy or melodramatic.

Stormtrooper1986 · 04/12/2018 07:32

@nerrsnerr but it’s something to consider about - cannabis stays in the system for a long time after being ingested and if he is driving a few days after then he will still be under the influence. Would you let someone drive your child or relative if they were under the influence of drugs ?

Also I did say IF!

Plus cannabis can seriously affect someone’s mental health - I have first hand experience of witnessing this

Do you think it’s ok??

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/12/2018 07:35

I’d say this is between your DH and his DS, and no-one else. If she wants to subject her child to that environment and its consequences it’s her business. A caring brother would tell her what he thought though.

Adult weed smokers will defend and miminise like crazy. Parents of weed smoking teens will give you a more realistic picture of the dangers.

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