Talk

Advanced search

To be a bit disappointed with boyfriends presents for me?

(153 Posts)
poppyflorrie Wed 28-Nov-18 09:14:20

Last night I was changing the bed and my boyfriend had hid my presents for Christmas in the blanket chest.
I am grateful but it's just the usual crap basically.
He's got my 2 fav bottles of perfume,a dressing gown,pair of slippers and a no7 skincare set.
It's the same thing pretty much every year.
I try and spice it up for him but he sticks to the same thing.
Aibu being a bit meh about them?

AGirlinLondon Wed 28-Nov-18 11:05:45

You need to activate the Present Alarm. 😊Basically dropping an enormous mega hint within earshot ‘oh I would REALLY like something like [insert very specific description and location of said item]’. Present suitability alarm goes off - life made easier for everyone.

Just be careful to a. Be specific and b. Don’t say it about things like tin foil eg ‘oh I really wish we had some tin foil’ or Xmas day could be a bit disappointing 😂

WinterfellWench Wed 28-Nov-18 11:11:02

Oh FGS, I knew the 'you should be grateful as some people have no-one/nothing' comments would surface. They always bloody do on these type of threads! If you say you have PND with your first child, someone will come on and say 'well be grateful you don't have TWO babies to contend with like I do after having them only 11 months apart.'

If you say your mother is pissing you off, someone comes on and says 'be grateful you HAVE a mother, some people would give ANYthing to have a mother to piss them off, but theirs are dead. Cold in the ground and dead you ungrateful cunt.'

Just bore off with this passive aggressive bullshit. People are quite entitled to be pissed off or annoyed or disappointed, without someone wielding the 'you should be grateful you little madam/princess/entitled article' chestnut

thecatsthecats Wed 28-Nov-18 11:11:46

Is anyone else a bit hmm that apparently no one is ever supposed to experience or process negative human emotions?

I mean, I'm ungrateful inwardly for my husband's presents. I wish he would take the hints that have bloody bells ringing off them. I would dearly love for him to have confidence in himself to choose something personal. For himself not me.

I slap on a smile and hug him because I know he tried. That's possible at the same time as wishing I didn't receive another mulled wine set/chocolates/whatever.

AromaticSpices Wed 28-Nov-18 11:12:54

I don't think it's a 'dick move', Hopping. He doesn't know she's seen the presents and would probably welcome some suggestions to make sure she's pleased with what she opens. A few years back I got all DH's presents early. Then he told me what he would really like, not realising I'd already bought him some bits. So I took some back and instead got something that he'd said he wanted. All happy. No big deal.

BonnieandHyde Wed 28-Nov-18 11:15:14

Sounds like he doesn't really "know" you OP. If he can't pick a flippin' present. Tell him he needs to find a better hiding place for the lovely bracelet you would like!

HoppingPavlova Wed 28-Nov-18 11:15:23

but the fact that she wants a thoughtful surprise as a gift (something she might not have thought of herself) isn't in any way unreasonable in an of itself.

I think there are 2 scenarios.

One is someone who goes, ‘well I could think of a hundred things I would want, so I’m flummoxed he can’t think of anything, it shows a lack of thought on his part’.

The other is ‘gosh, I can’t think of a single thing I would want but by god I expect him to be able to and not being able to shows a lack of thought on his part’.

One scenario would be reasonable. The other would not. The OP has placed herself in one of these scenarios.

Ifailed Wed 28-Nov-18 11:15:42

People are quite entitled to be pissed off or annoyed or disappointed, without someone wielding the 'you should be grateful you little madam/princess/entitled article' chestnut

OP posted in AIBU, people have responded.

WinterfellWench Wed 28-Nov-18 11:17:34

@Ifailed I know people are entitled to 'respond' and not necessarily positively.... but the passive aggressive 'you are an ungrateful princess, you should be grateful, as some people don't HAVE anyone to buy them stuff' really fucks me off.

Bore off with this bullshit.

girlwithadragontattoo Wed 28-Nov-18 11:18:27

Bless him. Why don't you just write a list out?
I can understand totally where your coming from, though from my prospective your being a little ungrateful, for the last 2 years me and my partner haven't been able to afford birthday, Christmas or any other occasion presents, I'd be chuffed to receive this

strawberrisc Wed 28-Nov-18 11:22:32

"Bless him, he does try". He's ALREADY bought your Christmas presents? Stop being a c0ck.

Cabochard Wed 28-Nov-18 11:24:20

These types of posts will always bring about ‘princess-y’ reactions... because it isn’t compulsory to give gifts/ celebrate Christmas etc...
Why can’t you just see it as a bonus in your life that you have a partner that has purchased you some gifts, and you get to celebrate together? confused

HomeMadeMadness Wed 28-Nov-18 11:24:59

HoppingPavlova

That's true if she genuinely couldn't come up with a single thing she'd like to receive but expects her boyfriend to be able to that's ridiculous.

I was interpreting it as her not really minding much what the gift is as long as it's thoughtful.

thecatsarecrazy Wed 28-Nov-18 11:30:25

Sounds Lovely. Wish my dh bought me stuff like that.

1tisILeClerc Wed 28-Nov-18 11:32:17

Log splitting maul, chainsaw, romantic weekend, balloon ride, push the imagination a bit.
Surely nobody on the planet really wants socks, hankies etc as a 'gift'?
Even an obscure bit of kitchen gadgetry (for both to use) is better?

Ottermum23 Wed 28-Nov-18 11:33:11

I really don't understand, why people expect presents, all fancy surprises for Christmas.

Christmas is for children.

Shepherdspieisminging Wed 28-Nov-18 11:37:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedRoseReb Wed 28-Nov-18 11:39:00

I'd hate kitchen stuff. My storage is full; by recievinging more stuff I would have to accommodate it.

Orchiddingme Wed 28-Nov-18 11:41:54

I really like stuff like perfume and a lovely dressing gown. I don't buy perfume for myself, and having new dressing gown, especially if fluffy or silky is always nice. My husband's other go-to present is jewelry- sometimes that's a bit hit and miss but I always feel it's a romantic present.

I would hate a balloon ride or a chain saw (!)

But- if you would like something different or way more thoughtful, speak with him about it.

I don't care as I am a shit present buyer myself- so would probably buy perfume/clothes/make-up or something for someone else!

I also love expensive nice chocolates- not so much cheap ones, though.

If you see this stuff as a symbol of deep knowledge and/or eternal love then you are probably always going to be disappointed at Christmas by people like me, because I simply don't translate my feelings about a person into objects. I don't think like that, some people do, I would say most don't by the quantity of chocs/bubblebaths/perfume sales.

cakecakecheese Wed 28-Nov-18 11:44:16

I'm grabbing this out of thin air but are you disappointed it's not an engagement ring? wink Ooh or a puppy? grin

But if that is a terrible guess on my part I don't think you're massively unreasonable to want a bit more imagination but he clearly does put time and effort into getting you presents so that's the main thing really.

My ex husband kept getting me the latest gadget, which was great but he worked in an electronics shop so there wasn't a lot of imagination! I said to him one year in the run up to Christmas 'you're always so generous but I have every gadget I need now so perfume or jewellery would be good' and I got a lovely necklace.

I mentioned to my boyfriend last week that my kindle was knackered and I'd maybe like one for Christmas and he ordered one there and then. It means there's no surprise but I am getting something I really want so that's great.

RedRoseReb Wed 28-Nov-18 11:44:31

Yes it's a marketing myth that there exists a perfect gift and other people are the problem if it doesn't happen!

Aeroflotgirl Wed 28-Nov-18 12:07:10

I think it sounds great, but you need to tell him before Christmas what you want, e mail a list or link and Amazon gift list to him.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 28-Nov-18 12:08:06

At least it is not a vacume cleaner or a mop and bucket grin.

steppemum Wed 28-Nov-18 13:19:33

I totally get the OP.
We are sold the idea that if someone loves you, they will buy you something specific and special that willmake you melt at their thoughtfulness.

Unfortunately in the real world, many people are not good at buying gifts.

OP, on the plus side, the things he has bought are things he knows you like. In that sense he does know you
He may not be brave enough to buy something new, in case he gets it wrong.
No-one can read minds, but it is not unreasonable to want something nice/unusual/surprise etc.

If someone is not good at buying presents, then they need help to learn. You need to be clearer about your needs, and he needs to be braver. The trouble is, in being brave, he may get it spectacularly wrong.
I said upthread that I send dh links from Oct. I have no idea what he picks up on until I open my present. It works for me, but it isn;t a complete surprise

steppemum Wed 28-Nov-18 13:21:03

Christmas is for kids

bollocks. I love it. I love getting presents, I love buying them, do Christmas your own way, if you want to buy presents for adults, why not?

possumgoddess Wed 28-Nov-18 13:28:47

My OH gets really stressed about what to get me, so I have given him a short list of things I would like to get (one off the list) and told him that I am happy for him to get something else if he finds something he thinks I would like. However, now he is stressing about being able to get anything off the list and whether what he chooses is the right kind of thing... I can't win! He tries so hard and worries so much - but honestly I think it would be easier if we just went and bought whatever it is together.

Sethis Wed 28-Nov-18 13:31:09

You can view Christmas or birthdays in all sorts of ways.

Lots of people seem to view it as a test of how "devoted" or "imaginative" or "loving" their partner is based on the presents they receive, giving mental points or ticks in boxes based on money spent, suitability, usefulness or some other criteria.

I prefer to think of something that I actually need, and ask my partner to buy it for me, or contribute with others towards it if it's expensive.

Basically, life and relationships already have enough disappointment in them that I don't really want to add more by making special days into a guessing game quiz show that can be won or lost. I'd really rather just say "I want X. What do you want?" and get a straight answer. Buy the presents. Be happy. Job done.

dinosaurglitterrepublic Wed 28-Nov-18 13:40:24

For those that tell their partner what they want and they go to buy it as a gift... what is the point in this? You might as well just not bother with presents and buy the things you want yourselves. Even if you have separate finances, presuming you spend a similar amount on each other, this reciprocal compulsory purchasing of specific gifts seems futile. I really like Christmas and don’t want to seem all bah humbug, but I don’t get the logic of this.

Drummingisfun Wed 28-Nov-18 13:49:30

I understand what you mean.
My oh generally gets me flowers, chocs and a bottle of something. They are all nice things and I appreciate them but they aren't very exciting. And since it's always the same stuff I'm not sure how much thought does go into it.

Sethis Wed 28-Nov-18 13:50:01

@dinosaurglitterrepublic

I don't happen to see the point of randomising your happiness level on the one day a year you want to be unconditionally happy. Why would you risk being disappointed (as this, and many other threads so far have shown is a common occurrence) when you can be unconditionally happy with a new purchase, with no risk of disappointment?

Buying presents without specific information is essentially gambling, which I don't really understand either. Except you're not just gambling money, you're also gambling happiness, esteem, respect and all those other intangible feelings you have for your partner and they have for you if you choose to use the event as some kind of relationship barometer.

WoahBaby Wed 28-Nov-18 13:54:18

I use Xmas to top up on perfumes and refresh my slippers, so I'd be chuffed! Some men lack imagination and/or confidence buying presents. My DH started getting me weird 'cute' presents like a cheese grater plus some dvds of films I wasn't that keen on and I am stuck on ideas for him every year so we give each other our links to our Amazon wishlists and then take it from there. That way we know what the other person wants but they don't know what has been bought for them.

user1474894224 Wed 28-Nov-18 13:57:00

I get exactly what I want and it's the same every year.....a pair of slippers, chocolate, alcohol, a book, smellies..... usually I buy it and give it to oh to wrap and give me back ....although he sometimes takes the kids to Asda to choose the slippers and chocolates!!! I'm happy, the kids see us getting gifts and can share the giving. - We've been together 12 years.....what I really want is diamond earrings, but I stopped asking about 8 years ago. grin

Thisnamechanger Wed 28-Nov-18 14:00:03

I'm not really sure what else I would like tbh

I didn't have the heart to say I didn't like it

I'm sorry I'm failing to see how DP is at fault here!

I'd love a bottle of perfume for Xmas - at least you know you'll use it!

Vampiratequeen Wed 28-Nov-18 14:01:52

At least he tries and has already bought them.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Wed 28-Nov-18 14:05:47

The last few years I have just told DH what I want as has he. So I've got a lovely new food processor, fancy flavoured gin, this year I'm getting a new dressmakers mannequin. We focus our energy on DDs presents.

When you are out and about it's easy to say "oh, I'd quite like that for Xmas" if you see something. Or I send fb messages with links to things I would like.

lottielottielottie Wed 28-Nov-18 14:06:35

This is exactly what I detest about Christmas. Your worth is based on what presents you received it seems confused

How about being grateful that you are fortunate enough to be able to receive such gifts.

I am in a relatively new relationship & told BF that I would be happy with a bottle of my fave perfume & a few other bits & bobs.

Grown adults acting like spoilt children at Christmas makes me cringe!

kmc1111 Wed 28-Nov-18 14:08:12

If you want surprises in the future then tell him that the next time a holiday/birthday is on the horizon.

Be prepared to get something you don’t like though, since even you can’t think of anything you want.

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 Wed 28-Nov-18 14:14:46

Some people find gift giving really hard. Me!!! My DH is amazing at buying gifts, very thoughtful and just has really good ideas. I am hopeless. I went through a phase of buying Not on the High Street personalized stuff but none of it ever went down that well as it's so generic. A lot of present giving is in the way it is received though. My DH often buys me a handbag and I would never dream of returning or exchanging it. Hate women who are so controlling about what they are given! There is no fun buying presents for someone when you know you'll never get it right and they will probably be disappointed and try to exchange it. Why would you bother!

lottielottielottie Wed 28-Nov-18 14:19:55

All this 'surprise look what I got you 'is for kids - with toys.

The whole 'I only got this' and other ungrateful Christmas present tantruming infuriates me. There will be plenty of other not so well off people who would be really grateful & happy with what you have, so think about that for a second.

I'm not overly fond of Christmas & all the present Bla Bla as you've probably guessed from my input, but no way way would I be ungrateful, it's rude & rather distasteful. Although the new dressing gown every year would seem a waste ( getting rid of previous one every year ) just tell him that you don't need another dressing gown every year, simple as.

Why anybody would inflict all this guessing game, mind reading, find me the perfect present on their loved ones I will never know.

dinosaurglitterrepublic Wed 28-Nov-18 14:58:25

*I don't happen to see the point of randomising your happiness level on the one day a year you want to be unconditionally happy. Why would you risk being disappointed (as this, and many other threads so far have shown is a common occurrence) when you can be unconditionally happy with a new purchase, with no risk of disappointment?

Buying presents without specific information is essentially gambling, which I don't really understand either. Except you're not just gambling money, you're also gambling happiness, esteem, respect and all those other intangible feelings you have for your partner and they have for you if you choose to use the event as some kind of relationship barometer.*

Well i agree with this also! This is why we don’t really bother with presents, we share a bank account and just buy stuff for ourselves when we want it. I don’t use presents as a barometer for my happiness or our relationship. If I want something, I just buy it. I prefer to use other and dare I say more useful metrics to measure my happiness and relationship satisfaction.

I guess you are either a present person or you aren’t!

LoveWasAccidental Wed 28-Nov-18 16:32:23

I get what you mean OP... it's sweet that he's been generous and got things he thinks will be a hit, but... it's just a bit of a tick the box approach isn't it? Like "oh here are 5 things that will be acceptable, I'll go down the list and get them a month in advance so that's the job done." It wasn't like he ran out of time and panicked. They are serviceable gifts, but to me, they just scream dull. If someone bought me a dressing gown and a pair of slippers every year I would be like wtf. I'm not an old lady. And even if I was I wouldn't want the same every year!

I don't know what the answer is, OP. If you drop hints about wanting surprises or something different, you might get something really random, or just the same again in different variations. Me and my DH have a list that we each buy from, we also buy some surprises that are our chance to show the other person we have given some thought to what they might like and gone to the effort of researching something different. Not a colour by numbers list of smellies, perfume, etc.

howonearthdoyoucopewith3 Wed 28-Nov-18 17:29:06

Why are you setting this test for each other? To show you have to try and think of unique things? There are so many present buying occasions a Xmas, birthday, anniversary, and then when you include the kids birthdays and Xmas you are just constantly stressing yourself out over present buying! I don't really understand this, putting yourself under pressure to do research and stuff. It's hard enough trying to fit in normal every day stuff that needs to be done without being set this sort of test!

WinterfellWench Wed 28-Nov-18 17:29:53

@ottermum23

Christmas is for children.

Utter tripe. Why do people always come out with this? hmm

I enjoyed Christmas as a child, and I loved it when my own kids were young, and I love it just as much now. We have 2000 lights around our house outside (via around a dozen sets,) including 750 on a 12 foot fir tree. We put the tree up in the house today, the lights up earlier in the week, and we are putting the decorations up tomorrow. On Saturday (the 1st,) we will switch on all the lights.

We have 3 families opposite us, with a total of 7 kids, and they absolutely LOVE our display of lights. They sit there in their bedroom windows after their evening meal, looking at it, mesmerised every evening during December. Their parents have told us they really look forward to it every year. Every year, we put a few more lights up than the last.

We love it, the neighbours love it, our family loves it... In addition, we have several meals out - with our works, our family, and our friends, and also several Christmas holiday nights at the local pub. (Including New year's eve...) We have an amazing December, and an amazing Christmas. Why on earth would you say Christmas is 'only' for children? confused

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall Wed 28-Nov-18 20:28:11

It always amazes me how poor lots of people are at seeing other people's points of views.

Some people want a present that someone's thought about and they're willing to accept that this present might not be perfect or exactly to their taste as they appreciate the thoughtful gesture.

Some people simply want to receive a specific luxury item (e.g. perfume) which they wouldn't buy for themselves but can enjoy if given for a gift at christmas.

If you belong to one of these groups it really shouldn't be that difficult that other people might belong to the other group. It doesn't take a huge amount of imagination to see how they might feel.

Why try to denigrate everyone who is different from you by saying "it's just for kids", "what's the point?".

Orchiddingme Wed 28-Nov-18 21:29:45

WinterfellWench I love your attitude! I always want to have a house in lights but am a bit lazy and couldn't be bothered to do it. I do agree these things are what you make them. I will try to get a bit more in the spirit this year, I can be a bit Grinch like, partly as I hate the cold and wet weather and let this spill onto my attitude to Christmas. Have fun with adding more lights!

WinterfellWench Wed 28-Nov-18 22:25:26

Thanks @Orchiddingme grin

It's not that hard to put some lights out really... We have the ones on the 12-13 ft fir tree plugged into the garage (with an extension lead,) and the other ones on the house plugged into the inside plugs. The ones in the bushes are battery lights, and solar lights. They do look lovely. Wilkos do battery lights that you can put outdoor. AA batteries.

www.wilko.com/en-uk/wilko-christmas-50-battery-operated-led-timer-lights-multicoloured/p/0420588

They do them in 100's and 200's too. smile

BarbaraofSevillle Wed 28-Nov-18 22:40:13

There's lots of things I like about Christmas, including the lights, get togethers, food, drink, lazy days, time off work.

In fact, just about the only thing I don't like is the exchange of presents between adults that seems to serve no purpose at all, cause a great deal of stress and upset with a side order of wastefulness.

In fact, how about people just buy themselves a present. So instead of buying your DH some pyjamas that he doesn't need and will only wear so you don't moan at him, buy yourself that necklace you've always wanted and he can buy himself whatever igadget or obscure bike bit he's been wanting for ages and no-one has to trawl around looking for presents that they don't know will be appreciated, no-one has to pretend to like something they don't and they won't be endless threads on here about present disappointment because he spent too little, too much, bought the wrong thing, didn't read your mind to come up with the perfect present, didn't actually buy anything when you agreed not to but you were secretly hoping that he'd buy you something and you did for him, etc etc.

bsbabas Thu 29-Nov-18 14:35:55

Spoilt brat ill be getting money for groceries!

EKGEMS Thu 29-Nov-18 15:20:52

I feel for you and all the previous posters here-once told my DH seven years ago I wanted s particular style winter coat showed him in a store an example and told him brand,color and size and where to purchase it and later that night he informed he had bought it for me already brings it out and it's the same damn pea coat that I already had just a different color-and not the puffy down coat I needed! Then he actually argued that he had purchased what I was requesting and I asked "Does the coat you bought look familiar to you?" "No!" I brought the one I had out and said "I was wearing this identical one with you all day today!" He said "If you want the other one go exchange it" I honestly should've made him go do that task but by then I sure as hell couldn't trust him. I honestly wondered if he needed Santa to bring him a guide dog!!

rodied Fri 07-Dec-18 15:21:08

How old are you that it's a matter of what he gives you? Be happy. I read this column and the guy says you should be happy your man didn't wait until the last minute and buy you absolute garbage. He shopped for you well over a month before Christmas.

Read this- speakfreewithjb.com/lighten-up-lady-christmas-gifts

Bacardi101 Fri 07-Dec-18 15:27:56

Count yourself lucky all I had for my 40th was a broken jewellery box in a box he looked like he kicked home! Can we swap smile

Ellisandra Fri 07-Dec-18 15:28:42

You think a motor racing experience is a good present, but I think that it’s just a dull and formulaic “present for him” as bloody perfume is “for her”!

I’d be more concerned that your dirty skank of a boyfriend thought the bed linen box a good place to hide presents a full month before Xmas. Doesn’t he change the sheets? envy

Seniorschoolmum Fri 07-Dec-18 15:29:25

Yabu. My ex used to be dismissive of the presents I bought him, although he could never suggest anything els. It just made me stressed & dislike Xmas.

cadburysflake Fri 07-Dec-18 15:38:00

Did you ask for something specific and he didn't buy it or are the relying on him being a mind reader? Unless you told him or gave him a v obvious clue I'd say his presents are nice. He got your favourite perfume not something you didn't like.

What were you anticipating?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »