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My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

(1001 Posts)
QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 08:40:40

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

Auntpetunia2015 Wed 16-Jan-19 17:08:48

She will and she will twist anything and everything you say. Watch out for your dad and sis to be told a load of lie about what you’ve said about them!

Auntpetunia2015 Wed 16-Jan-19 17:08:42

She will and she will twist anything and everything you say. Watch out for your dad and sis to be told a load of lie about what you’ve said about them!

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit Wed 16-Jan-19 17:00:26

If she does come over, please record the conversation. I've a feeling she's going to deny ever having said most of it once she's left the room.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Wed 16-Jan-19 16:53:40

Meant to say, sorry you're going through thisflowers

cstaff Wed 16-Jan-19 16:52:08

And yeah definitely message your sister

cstaff Wed 16-Jan-19 16:51:06

If I were you I would want to cancel but maybe let it go ahead and see what your Mom has to say. See if she is really trying to make an effort to fix things and if not just let it go.

This should be her instigating this meeting at the very least. I also think it would be a good idea to tape the conversation in case she tries to re-write history again.

I am really sorry to hear this OP. At least you know your sister has your back.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Wed 16-Jan-19 16:50:10

Text your sister back and say sorry for being abrupt and that it's not her you're angry at (if you think she might need that confirmed)! She'll understand.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 16-Jan-19 16:36:21

Well I’ve spoken to my sister and it transpires that my mom is only coming to see me because my sister told her too.

My sister had told her how hurt I was by everything that had happened and that it would mean a lot to her (my sister) if she (our mom) talked to me and tried to find a way forward.

To be honest that’s made me feel even more angry. My mom should want to talk to me and sort things out with me because she wants to not just because my sister told her to.

All it has done is demonstrate to me yet again that it’s my sister who is the motivation behind the actions of my mother.

I feel like texting mom and tell her not to bloody bother.

I was a little bit abrupt with my sister on the phone, I just feel angry and pissed of and she got the brunt of it. None of this is her fault but it still feels like through my moms eyes my sister is the one that matters sad

tubspreciousthings Wed 16-Jan-19 16:24:54

I agree with @RandomMess in recording it - as she seems to be rewriting history all the time...

Good luck

ChristmasFairy2018 Wed 16-Jan-19 16:18:42

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did... you deserved it.

Mix56 Wed 16-Jan-19 16:16:52

I'll be there as a fly on the wall if that helps...stop thinking of her as your mother, think of her as a difficult patient in a work situation.
(let us know your new thread title)

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 16-Jan-19 16:03:28

You’re probably right. I don’t know why I have the need to keep clinging on to the hope that she’s a good person and she will realise what she’s done and she will apologise. I so desperately want her to say sorry, not because it will make me feel better, but just because she may redeem herself in my eyes.

She’s had many a fault as a parent but I never had her down as manipulative or cruel. I can’t bring myself to consider that maybe she isn’t the mom I always thought I had but without an apology I don’t think I will ever be able to see her in the saw way I used to sad

livs1987 Wed 16-Jan-19 15:56:15

Not to be nasty or anything, but I don’t think the conversation with your mother will end well. She isn’t trying to sort things out with you and clear the air - she wants to bury this under the carpet. She wants you to accept the blame of causing trouble and apologise to her and bully you into agreeing to her perspective. It will be exactly the same as the previous times, rinse and bloody repeat. I wouldn’t bother seeing her to be honest as it will just be dramatic and a waste of time.

Realistically the moment that things will begin to change is when she apologises to you and sees things from your perspective, rather than constantly gaslighting you. If she can’t even be bothered to do this over phone/text, she won’t do this in person.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 16-Jan-19 15:37:05

contessa - I’ve had no outward sign of love or any affection from my mom for almost 30 years now so I’m certainly not expecting any tonight.

She’s so unable to show love or affection in the conventional way that it does make me wonder how her and my dad’s marriage actually lasted as long as it did.

She has absolutely no idea how to convey love, never has and probably never will. It’s very sad actually.

Even if her grandchildren go to hug her or ask for a goodbye kiss she just freezes and finds excuses not to. She can’t cope with it.

RandomMess Wed 16-Jan-19 15:35:13

I would record the conversation so she can't gaslight or lie..

StormTreader Wed 16-Jan-19 15:32:56

She is going to keep "arranging to meet to sort this out" and every single time she'll keep you waiting and then try and bully you back into your assigned role because thats what she understands and wants.

Thats why I suggested having your sister there because otherwise you're fighting a very strong "child being told off by their mother" dynamic.

Mix56 Wed 16-Jan-19 15:27:14

I expect she is going to tell you off, she will say this is enough now, you're stirring things etc.
Let her talk, if she gets angry & won't even try to hear you, you can say, "You should go now."

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Wed 16-Jan-19 15:05:06

Oh, OP. You haven't done anything wrong, please don't feel you have. You tried to be honest and she was angry at you because your reality doesn't match hers. Your mum has issues, from the sound of it, and those aren't your fault or responsibility.

Mix56 Wed 16-Jan-19 15:04:44

Can't you text sis & say "in doctor's will call when Im done",
any heads up, re this evening will be useful

ContessaIsOnADietDammit Wed 16-Jan-19 15:00:26

Ouch. The text wasn't intended to be passive aggressive, it was intended to be honest! Anyone calling THAT passive aggressive is feeling guilty and is cross with you for making them feel so, in my humble opinion.

I think she's calling you childish because she thinks only children need to feel loved and that adults should be able to get along without support. If I were you I'd scale my expectations of getting any sort of motherly love way back, I'm afraid. Sorry OP.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 16-Jan-19 14:57:23

You’re probably right - I have a feeling I’m just going to be in for a telling off.

My sister has just tried calling me twice but I didn’t answer (I’m sitting in a GP waiting room) and so then she text me to ask me to call her. I suddenly have a bad feeling for some reason.

I just want this whole thing to be over sad

gambaspilpil Wed 16-Jan-19 14:53:22

Need a new thread Queenofmyprinces.

I don’t think you mum is going to have gained some insight sadly and her comment about ‘being childish’ sets the tone of what is to come.

QueenofmyPrinces Wed 16-Jan-19 14:41:31

SHe told me that my comment on my text message was “unnecessary and to stop being childish.”

Admittedly it was a bit of a passive aggressive comment.

I have no idea why she has asked to meet up because based on her actions over the last few weeks I doubt it’s because she’s had some deep and meaningful realisation about how her actions since I was young may have affected me.

Her wanting to see me has come completely out of the blue and in some ways that makes me feel nervous because I don’t know what to expect.

CraftyYankee Wed 16-Jan-19 14:25:32

Consider letting her be the one to lead the conversation, as she requested the meeting. If there is an awkward silence don't jump in to fill it. Be patient. If possible, it might be worth trying to view the whole thing dispassionately, as an anthropology experiment if you will. The less you react the more you will draw out of her.

Good luck, it is hard with someone who knows exactly which buttons to push and has been doing so your whole life.

Mix56 Wed 16-Jan-19 14:09:31

ps, this thread is filling up.

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