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My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

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QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 08:40:40

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

user187656748 Mon 26-Nov-18 08:43:55

Personally I wouldn't be paying for stuff for her (including the payment of whatever it is costing £1000 for the children). You are doing exactly the same as your parents and enabling her.

CuriousaboutSamphire Mon 26-Nov-18 08:47:59

I'd agree with that. You are all infantilising her, you, your parents, her ex, everyone!

What are you going to do to change how you treat her? You have to start by seeing her as an adult who is making her own choices, not as a hapless child. And one of her choices is to be a net taker!

NoArmaniNoPunani Mon 26-Nov-18 08:48:00

It's incredible that you have much of a relationship with your sister or your parents after the favouritism they've always shown her.

AutumnCrow Mon 26-Nov-18 08:49:21

I agree you need to stop enabling her.

Is it too late to alter the holiday (or whatever it is) arrangements, or are you committed? I'd at least tell her and your parents that's it's a one-off, and you'll not be able to afford anything further in future, as you need to be saving for your future. After all, no other fucker is going to fund your family or your future or your retirement, are they?

You need to cut off this source of resentment by detaching from it.

Amazonian27 Mon 26-Nov-18 08:51:32

Similar position but not quite to the same extent as you. Could brother by joking or is he known for stirring?
Like you I was the more sensible, had nice friends, tried hard at school, had nice boyfriends and am now married have a well paid part time job nice home etc. DD dossed about at school was forever skiving etc etc etc. Her and her DD are still be fitting and my parents are enabling her to. I have stood on my own two feet since about 15 and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Did your sis ask you to do something for her DC or did you offer if the latter are you maybe showing off a little re:money then regretting it a little? Your sis seems to have different priorities and is maybe having fun at everyone else’s expense if they are daft enough to fork out x for my children let them and i’ll be down the pub on a girls weekend away etc etc.

NewPapaGuinea Mon 26-Nov-18 08:51:56

The reality is that your parents bailing out your DSis has set this up long term. She knows she can do what she likes and will have that safety net. For the siblings it can be frustrating as you see it as them having their cake and eating it.

SuchAToDo Mon 26-Nov-18 08:52:05

It's your parents money and their choice how they spend it...your sister is only benefitting financially because they WANT and CHOOSE to give money to her...

How they spend their money is of no business of yours...how would you feel if they started combing through your finances questioning every transaction...

I bet if they were giving you financial handouts you wouldn't be making this thread, deep down you are jealous that they gave your sister money and not you

silkpyjamasallday Mon 26-Nov-18 08:53:54

YANBU to feel pissed off at all. Favouritism by parents is sure to cause friction. My parents had to help me financially with uni costs as due to their income I could only get £3.5k of loan, so I wasn't allowed to do fine art as 'you won't get a job with a Mickey Mouse degree' and so I had to do a subject they approved of. But they shelled out over £20k for my little brother to do a drama course. I ended up having a breakdown and dropping out of uni because I was so miserable, and my life has not been easy since. I'm still very very bitter about it but I don't let it impact our relationship, they saw they made a mistake with me and have rectified it by dealing with my brother differently, but I'm still wistful for the life I could have had. I won't ever say anything to them, as like you I realise it would serve no purpose now, but it is difficult.

If I were you I'd stop paying for things to do with your sister or nieces/nephews, she clearly has disposable cash available but is the type of person very happy to take even when not in need. You shouldn't be subsidising her along with your parents as well! DP leant a friend some money as he said he was in dire straights, he got approved for a mortgage a week later and is saving himself a lot of money while we are still renting, and he still hasn't payed us back months down the line. There are some people who will take whatever they can from whoever they can, best to identify them and never give a penny again.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 08:53:56

Up until now I think I have just turned a blind eye to their favouritism because I was always worried that my sister thought they favoured me because I was the “golden child” as it were.

I didn’t want my sister to resent me or have ill feelings towards me so I just kept quiet.

MagicKeysToAsda Mon 26-Nov-18 08:55:03

That's extremely hurtful. No-one wants to look like they're keeping score, but I think I would try and find a way to open this conversation with your parents, even if only in a "is sis in financial trouble that I don't know about?" You are allowed to have feelings about this. No matter how unintentional it may have been, it feels like very unequal treatment, and it is enabling you and your sis to be stuck in your roles in the dynamic - the coper, versus the victim - which is not healthy for either of you. Is it possible they're putting the same amount into savings for your children clutching at straws?

In reality I'd be very tempted to go with the passive aggressive "thank you so much for teaching me I always had to pay my own way and there would never be handouts. Paying you rent, covering my own driving lessons etc has helped me know how I'll teach financial responsibility to my own children. It's so important to treat them equally, isn't it?" I hope I wouldn't do it, but I would want to!

EmbraRocks Mon 26-Nov-18 08:56:56

Really it's your parents to blame here, if she's so used to never taking responsibility, of course shell expect you to pick up the treat payments. Other people's money facilitates her lifestyle, her money is her money!

senua Mon 26-Nov-18 09:01:50

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children ... Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children
Why stretch yourself for someone else's DC?confused Your first priority is to your own DC.

henhelppls Mon 26-Nov-18 09:02:41

Sounds similar to my sister. My dad's giving her more than double the amount for her wedding than he gave me for mine. And he also gave her £500 towards a car last year.

A couple of years ago we went out for dinner and he paid for his and her's and my husband and I had to pay for our own.

I don't know why he's decided in his head that my sister needs his money so much more than me. Her partner and her have decent incomes and live in a much cheaper part of the U.K. They had three holidays abroad last year.

I have two kids, one of whom I receive disability benefit for, and our family survives on one income and these benefits (I can't work at present because of small baby and child with additional needs).

I have never said anything about it to either of them but it does eat away at me a bit.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:08:08

Why stretch yourself for someone else's DC? Your first priority is to your own DC.

Because I love my sister and my nieces and I know it will mean a lot to all of them.

I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one in this situation. I appreciate that my parents will see me as being in a more secure lifestyle than my sister is and so not consider offering financial help to be now, but that doesn’t account for the last 20 years of them financially helping her whilst watching me struggle at times.

Petalflowers Mon 26-Nov-18 09:08:29

Have you actually spoken to your parents about it, or is it too late in the day?

I think,you either have to either accept the situation (and quietly seethe), and withdraw your financial,support, or speak,to your parents and explain the situation. Maybe in a casual way say how you feel like your sister doesn’t actually need the handouts, or is it time she started standing on her own two feet, and cutting her garment according to the cloth.

bimbobaggins Mon 26-Nov-18 09:08:33

I felt sympathetic to the situation until you got to the part where you are putting yourself out financially to help out her children when she can well afford it herself by the sounds of it.
People will continue to do what they get away with if Noone challenges it.
You are enabling her as much your parents. Just stop it

Thebluedog Mon 26-Nov-18 09:09:32

Your parents have been enabling her for years and that is very unfair if them. My parents aren’t very well off and your situation with your ds sounds like me and my brother. The difference is that if they give my db any money, to say fox his car, they give me the same amount. Which I think is completely fair.

Both you and your ds have both had the same opportunities, her life is different from yours, but that doesn’t mean you should be financially penalised for it by your dp. If your ds gets £200 a month, then so should you.

This is more of a dp issue than your ds. She’s used to having handouts and quite happy for the inequality to continue. She feels entitled, and why wouldn’t she? Her do have done it all her life. Now you’re doing it.

I was shock when you mentioned the driving lessons. It’s up to you what you do and I’d be tempted to take it up with your dp. What happens with inheritance? Will it be split 75/25?

puzzledlady Mon 26-Nov-18 09:09:38

All of you are at fault for enabling her. I would stop paying for her children. Sorry OP.

CurlyWurlyTwirly Mon 26-Nov-18 09:11:11

The bank of mum & dad will not be around forever. Standing on your own 2 feet is a good life skill to learn.
I would tell your sister you know about the handouts, and sadly this is the last time you can afford to treat her children so generously.
Why does everyone pussyfoot around her; for fear of falling out with her...?

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:12:00

I felt sympathetic to the situation until you got to the part where you are putting yourself out financially to help out her children when she can well afford it herself by the sounds of it.

Well at the time I was unaware of her receiving this money from our parents so I didn’t know she could afford it for herself.

IrmaFayLear Mon 26-Nov-18 09:12:19

It has slowly dawned on me through the years that every single family has a "victim" or "hard done by" member and the parents don't necessarily favour them, but it's always "Poor Susan," or "Poor James."

It doesn't matter if Susan/James ends up being filthy rich and successful, they are still the one who needs help. Parents a) like to feel needed and b) once your role is cast as a child, there is no escaping it.

I was "capable". No matter what befell me it was always, "You'll be all right!" said in a jolly fashion. If dsis so much as broke a fingernail it was all panic and hand-wringing and worrying about her. Dm didn't prefer dsis, she just felt that she needed her.

AutumnCrow Mon 26-Nov-18 09:14:13

Does she have tantrums? One of mine does. It's pathetic.

lilybetsy Mon 26-Nov-18 09:14:17

I would separate what you do / your parents do for you sister, from what you do for your nieces.

Is this things you have agreed to pay for for them or for your sister? My brother is quite comfortable and able to provide for all of his children but I still give my nieces gifts and treats because I love THEM separate from their parents and want to build a relationship with them as young people.

Otherwise, I wouldn't give your sister another penny. I agree that you are enabling her.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:15:11

I was shock when you mentioned the driving lessons. It’s up to you what you do and I’d be tempted to take it up with your dp.

The driving lessons thing really got to me. I received £250 a month bursary whilst at Uni and £110 of it went to my parents as rent, yet still I had to pay for my own driving lessons whilst they paid for hers. Though I suppose it was actually my rent that was paying for the lessons.

I didn’t even speak out then about how unfair I felt things were and I just let it happen.

senua Mon 26-Nov-18 09:15:52

Well at the time I was unaware of her receiving this money from our parents so I didn’t know she could afford it for herself.
But you did know that you couldn't really afford it either!
Stop enabling her.

Wheresthebeach Mon 26-Nov-18 09:16:06

I'm in a similar situation - DB got tens of thousands in help for a variety of reasons. My father use to call me to say 'they'll be nothing left for you as it's going to your brother as he needs it more'. He had children at the time, and I didn't. I get told I was the 'golden girl' too.

Fast forward a decade - brother has it easy as mortgage paid off, able to retire early, 3 foreign holidays this year. And extra 50K can make a huge difference.

He genuinely feels he deserved it all. Our relationship really isn't one any more as I'm just polite for the sake of our kids.

I expect there's little you can do. Its not fair, or nice. For me the only answer has been to distance myself from them. He was favoured all his life - his university paid for, mine not, as I was 'only a girl'. It's toxic.

BrokenWing Mon 26-Nov-18 09:16:08

Just be grateful you are not in your mid 30's and financially dependent on other peoples good will which could run out at anytime.

Her ex will likely stop financially supporting her once the dc are adults. Your parents will not be able to financially support her forever.

When other people stop supporting her she will be in serious trouble financially and will have to pay dearly the consequences of years of reliance on others (unless she then sponges off her own dc).

Don't enable her by paying for any more experiences for her dc's and be proud of your own independence. You wouldn't want to swap positions with her.

Birrdy Mon 26-Nov-18 09:16:17

I would be furious and hurt in your shoes but why are you allowing this to go on? Definitely don't pay £1,000 on something for her kids (that money could go into a savings account for your own children!) when she is out having drinks and weekends away- she obviously isn't hard up. Why do you say "every pound counts" to her when you know she isn't leading a frugal lifestyle?

You're too afraid of upsetting her and your parents and you're being a doormat. It's not even about the money necessarily, but the fact your parents and sister have kept his from you, and your parents have treated her so differently over the years and continue to do so. It's not on and needs to stop.

RhiWrites Mon 26-Nov-18 09:17:32

OP, when you find that you’re resenting someone it’s privably better to stop giving them things. Honour this commitment to the £1k but let that be the end of it.

I’m sorry and it’s unfair but I agree there’s no point confronting any of them. Just don’t contribute any more yourself.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:17:50

Is this things you have agreed to pay for for them or for your sister?

Just my nieces. They’ve never been abroad so me and DH are taking them both with us on our family holiday next Summer.

wizzywig Mon 26-Nov-18 09:18:42

I think some parents like feeling needed. They subconciously dis-enable a child to fulfil a desire to be a permanent parent. But they also rear their other kids to be independent as proof that theyve done a good job

MereDintofPandiculation Mon 26-Nov-18 09:19:28

YANBU. If it gives any comfort, consider that if your parents had subsidised you to the extent, you could have ended up like your sister instead of being the self-reliant capable person that you are.

unlimiteddilutingjuice Mon 26-Nov-18 09:19:29

We have a similarish situation in our family. I was brighter at school, experienced less bullying and found it relatively easy to find work. Later on, I married a guy with an affluent and generous family.
I'm always going to be alright.
Dsis has severe dyslexia, was badly bullied, struggled with mental health problems and has eventually moved into council housing after a protracted period of homelessness.
Dmum and Ddad have always provided more financially for Dsis, for obvious reasons. I've never minded because it's clear she needs it.
Interestingly: they now (all three of them) appear to be much closer to each other emotionally. I've realised now that my parents always wanted us to lean on them. And there are situations where m attempting to be independent has erred into pushing them away.
Also the fact that Dsis has been at her most vulnerable with them has allowed them to be vulnerable with he in their turn. Dsis was more supportive and a better daughter when they went through bereavement for eg.
I kind of regret being so fiercely in dependant now. There was a recipricosity there that I didn't understand.

Piffle11 Mon 26-Nov-18 09:20:52

I could have written this! My Dsis was always the carefree, fun one, and I was the sensible one … she got away with everything! Whenever something happened, with DSis my parents would shrug and forgive her, with me, I was a let down and they expected more. After school I was in full time training 9-4 Mon to Fri at college and had a part time job eves and weekends. DSis went to 6th form and did around 20 hours and was too pressured to work … she quit her pt job after 3 months and DParents paid her the money she would have earned. After uni I got a ft job, she drifted from crappy temp work to crappy pt jobs, still living the student life. This went on for about 6 years after she graduated. She got 3x the wedding fund I did, she was the golden girl. After her marriage broke up DPs were subsidising her, even though her alimony was more than me and my then partner were earning each month! She didn't work for about 5 years after divorcing, and DF kept going on about how sorry he felt for her (her exDH had been well off and they had had a large house and good lifestyle) living in such a little house … forgetting that her 'little house' was worth 3 times what my semi was worth, due to location, and than most of it had been paid for by her exDH! She's a lovely girl but I think she was living in cloud cuckoo land and for some reason DPs always made excuses for her. I always felt that I was sort of 'lesser' than her because I behaved. Whenever anyone paid me a compliment my DM would chip in about my DSis, making out that she was better at whatever it was. Still pisses me off tbh.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:22:21

I think some parents like feeling needed. They subconciously dis-enable a child to fulfil a desire to be a permanent parent. But they also rear their other kids to be independent as proof that theyve done a good job

This is why I think I keep quiet. I think my sister feels ‘lesser’ than me in the eyes of our family because of what I have achieved/done with my life, and so to stop her having any ill feelings towards me I just let the situation continue.

frogsoup Mon 26-Nov-18 09:23:03

"your sister is only benefitting financially because they WANT and CHOOSE to give money to her..deep down you are jealous that they gave your sister money and not you"

I can't believe there are actually people out there who would actively seek to justify blatant favouritism of one sibling over another on the grounds of 'choice', as of that were some kind of inherent moral justification for their actions!! We make all sorts of choices in life, but unfortunately some of them are actively malign. It may be their money but it's also shitty behaviour of the first order, and you have every right to feel jealous! If it were me, I'd be letting them know how it makes you feel, but I know this might not be hugely productive!

Babyroobs Mon 26-Nov-18 09:23:14

I found out recently that my elderly dad has been giving my brother any spare money he has each month ! My brother and SIL live in a lovely house in a fantastic area, have 2 foreign holidays a year etc and I've no idea why they need my pensioner dad's money too.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 26-Nov-18 09:28:18

Re a question posed by another poster and your answer:-

"Why stretch yourself for someone else's DC? Your first priority is to your own DC.

Because I love my sister and my nieces and I know it will mean a lot to all of them".

You can love your sister in ways other than financial and this nice gesture of yours is not going to be appreciated. Its almost expected that you are going to do this for them.

How well do your sister's children get on with your own?. Will your sister take your own children on holiday; not at all likely. Will your sister be providing them with any spending money?.

Consider also what your ongoing role is here in your family of origin. I personally feel you should now completely distance yourself from all of them, particularly your parents who started this whole unhealthy dynamic between you and your siblings in the first place.
I can certainly relate to this comment made by wizziwig:-

"I think some parents like feeling needed. They subconciously dis-enable a child to fulfil a desire to be a permanent parent. But they also rear their other kids to be independent as proof that theyve done a good job"

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:28:21

My Dsis was always the carefree, fun one, and I was the sensible one … she got away with everything! Whenever something happened, with DSis my parents would shrug and forgive her, with me, I was a let down and they expected more.

100% this.

My sister made no effort at school or college but it was never an issue.

When I got a B grade in an exam it wasn’t “well done” it was “why didn’t you get an A?”

The pressure put on me to be the successful child was ridiculous.

I got a 2:1 in my degree and all my mom said was, “And there I was thinking you’d get a First. Never mind.”

It was constant.

I was always expected to achieve high so they could gush about me to others whereas my sister’s failings (for want of a better word) weren’t addressed at all.

It sounds like you had it really hard piffle

Wheresthebeach Mon 26-Nov-18 09:29:34

When you grow up with your sibling being favoured, it becomes so ingrained you don't realise the extent of the damage its doing to your own mental health. The pattern of 'them first' is so established it seems 'normal'. If you try to agree about it, then the accusation of 'jealousy' or 'selfishness' is thrown at you.

My brother was married at 23, two incomes, a house etc etc. Yet the money went to him despite having more than me. They'll all find an excuse to favour the one they want to favour.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:33:17

How well do your sister's children get on with your own?. Will your sister take your own children on holiday; not at all likely. Will your sister be providing them with any spending money?.

My sister has never taken her own children on holiday due to finances so I definitely wouldn’t expect her to take mine. Her children are a lot older than mine so they don’t ‘get on’ in the way similar aged children do, but they have good relationships with each other. My children (well the oldest) is excited about his cousins coming with us and so are my nieces. I genuinely am looking forward to taking them with us. She will be definitely be sending them with spending money though I imagine a good portion of that will be provided by our parents....

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:37:33

When you grow up with your sibling being favoured, it becomes so ingrained you don't realise the extent of the damage its doing to your own mental health

If you asked my sister who the favoured child was, she would say that I am.

Part of me thinks parents throw money at my sister to try and make up for the fact she was always in my shadow as we grew up. I do wonder if they feel guilty and this is their way of trying to absolve themselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 26-Nov-18 09:39:30

Your own finances I daresay are going to be stretched here to provide for these extra mouths to feed. I would ensure as far as possible that they pay for any excursions and activities out of their own pocket.

This has to be made clear to your sister; unlike your parents you are not the Bank of Queen of my Princes with available and or seemingly unlimited funds and opening hours.

Jellygraph Mon 26-Nov-18 09:41:56

It's unfair and about time they stopped. If you look at how much your incomings and outgoings are , are you really so much worse off than her? And then the help she gets from her ex-and if she's going out for drinks/dinners etc it seems she has a freer lifestyle too?

I'm a bit of a dick, but I think I would have to mention something about how I felt to my parents, in your position.

Having said this, there are 17 years between me and my Sister-she had a much worse upbringing than me given my parent's circumstances, although neither were that great and I have had a lot more financial help than she has, from them. Ive been given gifts and had things paid for and been told not to tell my Sister-and I don't like that at all, but at the same time, she was in a much better financial position at the time as were my parents, and I know she would understand. Sometimes things just aren't fair but, your position is different as you're both more or less the same age and grew up in the same circumstances in the same era.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:42:17

This has to be made clear to your sister; unlike your parents you are not the Bank of Queen of my Princes with available and or seemingly unlimited funds and opening hours.

This really made me laugh grin

Immigrantsong Mon 26-Nov-18 09:42:25

Ok, so now you know exactly what is happening. What is your action plan for moving forward? How are you going to tackle all of this?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 26-Nov-18 09:43:02

I wonder if your sister grew up thinking that you were more favoured overall.

Your parents are and remain responsible for this dysfunctional dynamic set up between you all as siblings. Another possibility here is that this money from your parents is being used by them to further control your sister into doing what they want.

Slipperboots Mon 26-Nov-18 09:44:46

It’s surprising how common this is. I’ve had several friends in similar circumstances. Usually the sibling who gets the money has more money as well, whilst the sensible sibling (who is usually worse off) get nothing.

DH is the sensible and capable one. BIL is a disaster with money and earns way more than us. He had thousands out of PILs who were not well off. He pleads poverty even though it’s obvious it’s not true.
DH has literally never had a penny from his parents and his BIL complained he was ‘spoiled’ by their parents. His mother also tried to get us to give them money too.

You need to help break the cycle of enabling by also not enabling her.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 26-Nov-18 09:44:54

Oh good re making your laugh but you do need to draw a line here. I would not want to see a seemingly nice person like you get further taken advantage of because of her own goodwill here.

TheChickenOfTruth Mon 26-Nov-18 09:46:01

@QueenofmyPrinces

Not to be dismissing your feelings, but maybe it's as simple as "*she asked* and you didn't"?

Also, £110 a month is nothing like what it would have actually cost for you to be living with your parents. Perhaps your parents thought that since they were already subsidising your life (it would have cost you far more to live on your own and pay for rent, utilities, food etc.) that they owed a little something to your sister as well?

I only say this because I have been the "sister" to some extent. I've lived in my dad's rental house at slightly reduced rent due to difficult personal circumstances, and my father has expressed slight guilt at having helped me out financially for a time, and not having done the same for my brother (who had some better luck than me, but deserves everything he has and I wouldn't begrudge him getting more help) but doesn't want to insult him by throwing money at him when he's worked so hard to get where he is. Perhaps my brother resents that I've had handouts when he's had to work for it, but who knows?

That said, giving £200 to her now you're both grown up and stable is BS.

Bluesmartiesarebest Mon 26-Nov-18 09:46:40

Has anyone suggested that if your sister saved the extra money she was getting from your parents instead of going away for weekends or socialising with friends, that she would be able to pay for a holiday herself (or at least provide the spending money)? You are all enabling her to continue to be irresponsible..

TheDogAteMySock Mon 26-Nov-18 09:46:47

It certainly seems that pp's have hit the nail on the head when they say you should stop enabling her. It seems to be the family dynamic to help her out financially and you can break this cycle, from now on, by not offering any more financial help.
I think now that you've learnt about the £200 / month, the unfairness will fester. You can either accept that your parents have done you a greater service by ensuring you are financially independent, or if you think that knowing about the extra handouts will sour your relationship with your parents or sister, then perhaps you need to find a way to let your parents know that you find it unfair that she gets extra help financially, after all we could all do with an extra £200/month, however much we appear to be managing!

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:49:22

It’s even things like childcare....

When my sister’s children were young my dad changed his working hours so he had two days off a week (which then meant he had to work on Saturdays) so that he could provide childcare so my sister wouldn’t have to pay for it.

He’s retired now and I’ve asked if he can provide 4 hours childcare for me of which my oldest will be in school for two of them. He knows that my reason for asking was to just help
a little with childcare as it would save us about £80 a month but he said no.

puffyisgood Mon 26-Nov-18 09:51:47

My own situation is eerily, eerily similar, very similar ages etc.

Younger sister is 3 years old, has in her life worked for maybe 5 years' full time equivalent, all in relatively low paid jobs but has very expensive tastes in terms of nights out, foreign holidays [I'm not talking about a week in Benidorm], music festivals, etc etc and has an incredibly careless, wasteful streak.

My personal lowlight was when we somehow got talked into buying DS a fridge/freezer and DM [who I daresay quite rightly feels a fair of guilt over an unusually laissez-faire parenting style during our teenaged years] vetoed my preferred white model [with lots of emotional blackmail] because DSIS wanted [more expensive] stainless steel. Towards the end of the negotiation DM suggested that DSIS would end up selling or throwing away the white model if it was bought for her.

Countless hours of hand-wringing over the years tell that there are no easy answers - all I can say to OP is to stay strong & to try to keep some distance where possible.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 09:53:50

Also, £110 a month is nothing like what it would have actually cost for you to be living with your parents.

I appreciate that but I think that if your child is a student at Uni it’s a bit harsh to take 50% of their income off them whilst subsidising your other child who lives with her partner and is in full time employment.

dorisdog Mon 26-Nov-18 09:56:12

I'm not surprised it's getting to you. I think raise it with your parents - it's ok to upset by it and to ask them about it.

Immigrantsong Mon 26-Nov-18 09:56:51

OP with the greatest respect please let it go. This is clearly a toxic family dynamic. You need to distance yourself and put your own family first. Don't let it consume you. You can't control other people's actions, only your behaviour and reaction to things. You have all fallen into roles and you too are enabling her. She is co dependent and your parents sound narcissistic.

Amazonian27 Mon 26-Nov-18 10:01:16

I really think you need to rethink the holiday I know it’s letting your nieces down but you are feeling resentful because of your DSIS and this could be worse by then and you may end up forking our for clothing and swimwear ‘as you wanted to take them’ etc.
DS had a school friend both parents worked full time. Well paid jobs. She would often say how poor little x her daughter didn’t have any nice dresses she only had one dress given to her by x. I used to feel sorry for her DD as my DD has loads and I was only too pleased to pass on DD’s clothing when it got too small and I would often see her wearing it. So all was good. Then one day I saw her toddling into town with two massive bin liners. I was passing in the car in the other direction. Next time I saw her I said blimey you had your hands full the last time I saw you. Yes I was taking lots of clothes to the cash for £ place. Lots people have given us lots of clothes for the kids (so I wasnt the only mug who fell for her stob story) and they can’t possibly wear them all so we’ve sold some on eBay and I take the rest down to cash for £. Needless to say my donations suddenly stopped. In the last three years they are forever going on holidays to fabulous destinations and their DC brag about it. I can’t believe your parents are only taking you to x place on holiday that’s not a holiday etc in front of me and my DC etc. I don’t believe their fortunes changed because of my clothing donations but people will take the pee for long enough if we let them OP.

nuitdesetoiles Mon 26-Nov-18 10:01:23

Sounds like I'm reading about my own younger sister. Parents pandered to her a lot in her 20s as she had no partner and this meant she was loads worse off than me?
Cue meeting very lovely partner and she immediately gave up a well paid job as "too stressful" and he bank rolled her. She's now "self employed" essentially doing a hobby job with a 2 year old at home whilst he literally breaks himself keeping them afloat financially. She doesn't even break the tax threshold, constantly complains of being skint refuses to get a job and my parents bail her out all the time.

I've worked hard, including in jobs I've actively disliked in order to pay our mortgage and give my family a decent life. I feel her long suffering partner and my parents essentially enable her lifestyle choices as she "can't cope" with working for an organisation. She's spoilt in brief!

Everything is given to them, cots, clothes, pram, the lot. She has a network of friends around her who just gift her everything. It is probably petty of me but I no longer give her our unwanted stuff, I donate it all to a charity who support local families living in poverty instead!

I've withdrawn from her considerably in recent years as a way of coping and am a lot firmer with my boundaries. E.g when she comes to stay rather than eat me out of house and home I suggest we all chip in for a take away ! Interestingly she stays somewhere most weekends and gets fed!!
Hope you reach a resolution soon op, the resentment can eat you up...I can empathise!

Grace212 Mon 26-Nov-18 10:05:08

OP I actually would say something to all of them

tell your parents you know

tell your sister you know

see what happens. apart from anything else, surely she should now offer to pay for the holiday.

going forward, I think it's going to be weird if you don't speak out about knowing. I appreciate there will be an initial reaction, but you haven't got to say anything more than "I know you're all set for money so that's good isn't it".

TheDogAteMySock Mon 26-Nov-18 10:05:19

Perhaps you could write your parents a letter telling them how you see the unfairness, not in an accusatory way, but just to get the feelings out there. It might be useful for you to know their motivation for seeming to help your sister more. Some of the pp's points are valid that perhaps your parents think they've helped you in other ways, but you are not aware of this.
My sister, I know, thinks I was allowed to get away with murder, growing up, but I do not see it that way and suffered in different ways.
I look at how I treat my own dc, and I do treat them differently... They are different people, so where one needs help in one way, the other needs something different. I worry that when they grow up and look back, one of them may feel that they were treated less well, but realistically I do my best to give them both what they need, but their needs are different.
For example, one of them does a lot of after school activities that cost money, the other doesn't want to do these activities. We bought that one a laptop so they could pay a particular computer game, so financially we have probably spent the same on each of them, but will they see it that way? Or will one of them think, the other had it better? Maybe they'll focus on the fact that the activities one had the time and money spent on them, whereas they had nothing (conveniently forgetting about the laptop, as it's a different type of spending).
I think a conversation to find out where your parents are coming from with regard to the handouts will help with any feelings of resentment you may have.

frogsoup Mon 26-Nov-18 10:09:03

"I’ve asked if he can provide 4 hours childcare for me of which my oldest will be in school for two of them. He knows that my reason for asking was to just help
a little with childcare as it would save us about £80 a month but he said no."

And what would his response be if you said 'hang on dad, but you used to work Saturdays so you could give [sister] two entire days free childcare, and now you are retired and saying no for four hours?! Why do you treat us so differently?'

But I appreciate that this kind of direct approach maybe only works if your family dynamic is relatively healthy, which yours it sounds like it really isn't.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:15:27

And what would his response be if you said 'hang on dad, but you used to work Saturdays so you could give [sister] two entire days free childcare, and now you are retired and saying no for four hours?! Why do you treat us so differently?'

Inside that was exactly what I was thinking but outwardly I just smiled and said I understood.

He’d told me he didn’t feel like he could commit to such an arrangement (even though those four hours could be done any day of the week, not always committing to it being the same day) and I just said it was fine and we’d figure something else out.

DerelictWreck Mon 26-Nov-18 10:17:48

I understand OP - A family friend has just found out that his parents gave his sibling £75K and him nothing shock their justification was that he was already settled in a family home so didn't need it. Never mind that his sibling blows through cash like air hmm

Missingstreetlife Mon 26-Nov-18 10:17:52

#me2 but I wouldn't swap my life with my brother.
I think the holiday is a lovely idea, but stop bailing your sister out.
No harm in speaking to her or parents, why should you protect their feelings? Just be assertive, not whiny or angry.

HollowTalk Mon 26-Nov-18 10:22:17

All of this would really piss me off, but the childminding issue would really make me angry and I'd have to say something to my dad about it.

frogsoup Mon 26-Nov-18 10:26:38

But how would he react if you told him what you were thinking inside? Does your ability to swallow your feelings make it more possible for them to continue treating you badly without being confronted with the consequences? In an 'oh, queen doesn't mind, she's never said anything' kind of way? I know my PIL treat my SIL with kid gloves to an extent purely because they know she is more likely to blow her top if they are unreasonable, whereas my DH gets the full 'benefit' of their advice because he just lets it go straight over his head and doesn't challenge.

WhatchaMaCalllit Mon 26-Nov-18 10:28:24

My suggestion would be to have a chat with your sister about whatever you are spending £1k on for her and if it is an ongoing amount, tell her that from January next, you'll be unable to pay this going forward. That gives her the month of December to decide whether to continue on with it or not. She could budget for it if she really wanted to but you don't have to. You're denying your own kids something either now or in the future because you're giving that money to your sister and her kids.
I'd be pissed off but I'd cut back on the financial support I'd be offering.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:28:57

Part of me questions whether they actually realise they’re doing it?

CluedoIsMyFavGame Mon 26-Nov-18 10:36:08

We moved away. It's no longer in our face, we don't really know about it as much. It was the very best thing we've done. We keep ourselves to ourselves and don't ask anything of PIL ( we have been rejected before despite siblings getting a yes for the same thing)

DH has also tackled one such incident where his parents gave the sibling an expensive gift, we had just bought our own. I honestly don't think his parents quite realised the value of what they had done and how it looked to DH. It was quite cathartic.

TurquoiseDress Mon 26-Nov-18 10:36:42

Hi OP

YANBU to feel put out about this- I understand where you are coming from!

My DSis (and her twin brother) is 18 months younger than me and she sounds rather like yours! Over the years it has wound me up endlessly, in the past I tried to discuss it with my parents and her, but it left me looking like the entitled spoilt child.

I am the classic eldest child- well behaved, did as I was told, did well at school, university, professional qualifications etc

My DSis has been spoilt & entitled all her life, she never achieved what she could have done at school and drifted from one job to another, my parents constantly bailing her out from her financial disasters (mainly due to her out of control spending and inability to budget, or earn a living).

She has definitely always had 'special treatment' from my parents, like they did not have the same expectations of her as they did of me.

the turning point for her was when she met her (very well off) husband and I think my parents were relieved she was finally taking off their hands! So now she lives in a beautiful 5 bedroom detached house, 3 kids and barely has to lift a finger in her home or go out to earn a living.

I digress and that is all for another thread!

I would stop paying for stuff for her & your nieces, I know you want to treat them, but stop to think about your own family first. Your DSis is having a total laugh- money coming in from your parents, from her ex and you paying out for treats as well.

SlowDown76mph Mon 26-Nov-18 10:38:24

Is it possible that your sister thinks you get £200 too..?

My parents used to manipulate the sibling relationships enormously, and none of us realised. We became pretty much estranged. It was only after our parents both dies that we found out the extent of the manipulation.

EmbraRocks Mon 26-Nov-18 10:39:01

I think they will, a pp has posted from the other side-:for them the parents were 'helping them out' whereas any money given to their 'sorted' sibling would have been 'throwing money at them'. It's the ongoing sense of entitlement that frustrates me!

TurquoiseDress Mon 26-Nov-18 10:41:20

nuitdesetoiles

Your younger sister sounds just like mine!

The word PANDER to was definitely created for my DSis!

AdobeWanKenobi Mon 26-Nov-18 10:48:32

Could there be some kind of resolution in the will do you think? Perhaps you gain a house whilst your DS has had her inheritance now?

I do feel for you. I have 2 adult DC's, one of which who struggled for a time and one who didn't. Whilst the one who struggled did get financial help at the time the equivalent money was put aside for the one who didn't.
I couldn't dream of treating them differently tbh.

woollyheart Mon 26-Nov-18 10:50:27

It's not surprising that everyone else in your family thinks you have plenty of money when you are able to pay to take your dsis's children away.

You are acting as if you are loaded. They won't appreciate that you might have made efforts to be able to do this.

Your father clearly thinks that you can afford childcare and he shouldn't be expected to provide it free just to save you money. Whereas he thought your sister couldn't afford it. Maybe he is also getting older and finds it hard work.

You probably need to stop playing to your image as the self sufficient one. Have you ever said 'we would love to do x but we can't afford it' to your father? I bet your sister has.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:51:05

*My DSis has been spoilt & entitled all her life, she never achieved what she could have done at school and drifted from one job to another, my parents constantly bailing her out from her financial disasters (mainly due to her out of control spending and inability to budget, or earn a living).

She has definitely always had 'special treatment' from my parents, like they did not have the same expectations of her as they did of me*

This is exactly it.

The worst thing is that I’m always the one they turn to when they need things doing, or favours performing and especially if they need lift somewhere seeing as despite all the driving lessons they paid for my sister didn’t actually pass her test.

Because my sister doesn’t drive they go and visit her regularly but they never drive over to me and I only really see them if I make the effort to drive to theirs.

Her children get money given to them too whereas mine don’t. I know mine are younger so don’t actually need money but it’s just another thing to add to the list.

I doubt very, very much my sister thinks I’m getting the money too otherwise it would have been mentioned over the last 12 months at some point. The fact it’s been kept hidden from me implies she knows that it was only her receiving the money. I imagine my parents have told her to keep quiet about it.

Brimstonenotfire Mon 26-Nov-18 10:53:32

Call them out off stay away from them

Call out your parents exactly as you have done here
Call out your sister about the extra money and yet she is letting you fund her kids holiday.

You say her and you are close but I fear it may be you that cares for her and not so much reciprocated

Get your self esteem and worth back and tell them.

If they take the hump so be it, at least you won’t be holding it all inside

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:55:17

Could there be some kind of resolution in the will do you think? Perhaps you gain a house whilst your DS has had her inheritance now?

I’m Executor to the Wills and have seen them both. Thankfully they’ve left everything 50:50 because I’ve seem how much strife unfair wills have caused on this forum.

Maybe they do think we are well off enough to take my nieces on holiday with us but I’ve had to put in a lot of overtime to afford it. I suppose they don’t see that though.

Tinkobell Mon 26-Nov-18 10:56:43

STOP enabling your younger sister OP! If you allow this pattern to continue, all that will happen is that once your elderly parents have passed on, YOU and your family will become DS's new financial crutch. This may lead her to request that you potential bail her out of debts, that she never steps up to take proper financial responsibility for herself.
I think I would come clean with all parties about your finding out about the £200 per month. Ask her, is she receiving this money from your parents and why is she still accepting it? Say that the £1k niece treat was offered by you BEFORE you had any knowledge of the parental gifts that she was receiving.....and that in actual fact with a bit of prudent saving etc on her part, in 5 months she could pay for that treat herself. Offer sadly withdrawn. She's not been straight with you. YOU OP are not the mean one in this story. End it now and bear the consequences. If you don't it's will probably bite you in later years to come anyhow.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:56:54

You say her and you are close but I fear it may be you that cares for her and not so much reciprocated

Maybe underneath it all she does resent me sad

chocatoo Mon 26-Nov-18 10:57:12

I think I would have to be honest and say to her what you have just learned and how it has made you feel about stretching yourselves to pay for her and her kids. You need to make it clear what resolution you are looking for and I would suggest that it is that she passes £100 of the £200 to you each month for x months to pay towards the thing.
I would speak to your Mum and Dad separately and tell them you have discovered what they are doing - be careful not to drop your uncle in it at all costs - and I would say how hurt it has made you feel. Only thing is don't necessarily expect a good response from parents as when I talked to mine about a similarish issue I got nowhere.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 10:59:29

STOP enabling your younger sister OP!

I’m the younger one smile

The holiday has already been paid for now, the children have been told etc so there’s no point in changing things.

Maybe I should confront her - I don’t know. I’m not a confrontational person by nature but I’m pissed of that she’s getting this extra money, keeping it from me and then letting me pay out to treat her children.

smatergiesstratergies Mon 26-Nov-18 10:59:59

it happens pretty much like this in both mine and DH's families, i do think you should be honest with your parents about how you feel especially with regard to the childcare. Your dad is also older now though - at that time of life, 5 more years can make you a lot more tired.

I do think it's really hard being a parent when doing what's best for each child doesn't always mean equal treatment. Are you more intelligent than your sister? It's very hard if you have one child that figures out their own solutions and one child that makes mistake after mistake.

I don't think your issue is with your sister really, she's just taking the help on offer.

Amazonian27 Mon 26-Nov-18 11:00:23

In DH’s family both his brother and sister both now live in nice new 5 bedroomed houses in more expenses areas of the country than we have our 3 bed house. Over the years DH’s families helped them both out financially his DB when he was living beyond his means and renovating a massive house and his darling sis whilst she was subbing her good for nothing boyfriend. We have never had a penny from them but we have never asked both being older children we thought it was important to stand on our own two feet.
Your parents are deluded I don’t think speaking to them would help as they have justified this in their minds otherwise they would have made you both equal.
I had a similar issue other childcare. My parents basically brought me niece up as she had post natal depression when it suited which lasted 5 years. Free FT childcare and babysitting at weekends. 18 month after niece was born and I had children. I asked for 3 hours on a morning one a week until we qualified for free childcare not indefinitely and I was knocked back. Never did they babysit for us or let ours have sleepovers. I tried speaking to them about how I felt but I should have saved my breath.

rookiemere Mon 26-Nov-18 11:00:35

I don't see how you can ask for money for the holiday at this stage. clearly DSis doesn't see foreign holidays as a priority.

Families get into ways of thinking. it annoys me when DHs nephews think he's some sort of walking cash machine whereas these days their parents likely have more disposable income than we do, but I think DH enjoys being mr bountiful as well I think

With the childminding perhaps your parents found it stressful looking after the DCs hence why not committing this time

I'd speak to them about the monthly money I'd find it impossible not to

frogsoup Mon 26-Nov-18 11:03:39

"Part of me questions whether they actually realise they’re doing it?"

In which case why not call them out on it? You obviously have no obligation whatsoever to answer any question at all on the thread but I suspect you are avoiding confronting it in your own mind as well. I think you probably know that they do realise what they are doing, or they would not be keeping it quiet. To think that it is actively shitty behaviour is a very painful thing to consider, though sad

frogsoup Mon 26-Nov-18 11:04:54

I also think that while your sister doesn't come out exactly smelling of roses from the situation, it is fundamentally your parents that are creating this crappy dynamic, not her.

smatergiesstratergies Mon 26-Nov-18 11:06:07

i also don't think the holiday money situation can be changed at this stage without a lot of bad blood. We accept in our family that other people need more help than we do, and that's the case in a lot of families although it isn't 'fair' your parents aren't setting out to deprive you, you're 'the one that always copes'. You can point out to your parents that you sometimes get fed up of coping and making good choices but you'll always be that person.

My DH pointed out that you wouldn't want to be the one with the divorce, the crappy job, always struggling, even if they struggle less than they would without helpful parents and a kind sister who takes the kids on holiday.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 11:07:34

To think that it is actively shitty behaviour is a very painful thing to consider, though.

Very true sad

Bobbybear10 Mon 26-Nov-18 11:08:53

This may not be a popular idea but do you think maybe your parents did and do still think of you as the ‘golden child’ and are over compensating your sister due to feelings of shame they feel that way?

It might be clear to your sister and your parents that they maybe favour you so your sister feels it ok (in a weird way) to accept their help and money as compensation and your parents think it makes up for her being ‘second best’ to them?

Of course it may not be that at all. It’s just as likely your sister is being enabled by everyone around her for a quiet, easier life which will only go tits up when your parents aren’t around anymore. I imagine you will then have to become the enabler unless something is done to stop the cycle before then.

thecatsthecats Mon 26-Nov-18 11:09:02

I am the 'sensible, capable' one of my siblings, and roughly the joint highest earner. Luckily my parents are scrupulously equal, but it's really interesting reading this thread and thinking about the way my sister approaches money, and how I talk about it with her and my parents.

At university, I only really accepted a 'big shop' of food once a term - stocking up on tins etc to make food budget go further. My sister accepted cash.

When we were in lower paid jobs just after uni - we talked about budgeting, she gave herself a £50/week 'allowance' for clothing. I just bought what I could after money left over after savings and bills etc. She marvelled at my savings but earned £350/month more than me.

And last year, I told my parents to give her the leftover money that they'd planned to give me for house buying (which we didn't need as had saved £70k between us), because they didn't have enough to buy, and didn't feel able to start a family until they'd bought.

Fortunately, they told me not to be so silly, and gave us the money we turned down as a wedding present. I would feel ridiculous about it now. My sister accepted the money from our parents and has now fully kitted out and redecorated their new home whilst we still pick up furniture from charity warehouses and keep 'going steady' on doing it up.

It's a helpful reminder that people get cast in their roles and I am just as culpable of perpetuating that!

smatergiesstratergies Mon 26-Nov-18 11:09:47

i'm dubious about the benefits of confrontation - because I tried it - I got so cross with my parents when my DD was a toddler and she'd had N days off and I was about to be hauled before HR that I pointed out the thousands of bits of help my siblings had had - what was the result? I didn't get spoken to for months. It didn't make me feel better, things limp on but nothing got resolved or ever will. The lame ducks have to keep on being supported.

Parents don't deliberately create crappy dynamics - they are doing their best. If you do talk to them, come at it from a side of 'i don't think you perhaps realise how this makes me feel' rather than confronting them directly about money.

woollyheart Mon 26-Nov-18 11:11:06

I also don't think you can ask for money for holiday now. As other pp have pointed out, travel may not be high on your sister's priorities.

But you can start to point out that you expect her children to come with some spending money to pay for entry into places, treats etc because you will be over extending your finances already.

At least you can start teaching your nieces and nephews to be more independent.

Thesuzle Mon 26-Nov-18 11:11:49

OMG first poster was right stop enabling.
But try this, for being a mere girl i was cut out of the family farm
Sister was helped through life with cash etc
Write them a letter spelling all this out
Xx hugs

mazv1953 Mon 26-Nov-18 11:12:34

Why not print off this thread and give it to them - or perhaps a well crafted letter? Sometimes it is easier to do something like that than risk a conversation where you may not be able to phrase things so carefully

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 11:13:09

My DH pointed out that you wouldn't want to be the one with the divorce, the crappy job, always struggling...,,

And he’s right - although my sister wasn’t married to the children’s father which left her in the shit for lots of reasons. My parents never liked the guy really, not did any of us really and although he turned out to be quite nasty to my sister we are all glad it lead to the end of their relationship. They’ve been split up for about 7 years now but they parent well together, it’s all really amicable and like I said, he can’t be faulted for the financial care he provides for the children and how he financially helps my sister too.

I would much rather my life than my sisters and she would probably prefer it too for the reasons your husband mentioned.

This is why I feel like I should just bite my tongue, be grateful for what I have and let the rest of them get on with it.

Adversecamber22 Mon 26-Nov-18 11:13:41

In the last year both my Mother and DH Father have died. DH has one sister, I have five siblings, both of our parents both had a clear favourite. Plus those sisters were both bad with money and have been helped with lots of mutterings about poor Sarah and poor Helen ( not their real names) over the years.

In their wills they left all assets to their favourite child only. I had planned on giving my entire inheritance away to my much harder up non favoured siblings.

I know some people and I agree that you should not expect an inheritance but when you have spent your entire life knowing you are less loved and favoured it’s very hurtful. My Mother never loved me nor the others like my sister. The only time my Mother was ever truly nice to me was in front of others and that was because she would show off about my career and academic achievements. Though as a child I was told off for being quiet and reading my Mothers shrieks of your nose is constantly in a book remain with me. I never asked for help with homework whereas I remeber her actually doing my sisters homework for her.

I didn’t need my Mothers money but loathe how she left two of her own daughters in difficult circumstances and didn’t help them. My elder sister put it very succinctly, it was our Mothers chance to treat us all the same just the once but she chose not to.

QueenofmyPrinces Mon 26-Nov-18 11:14:40

his may not be a popular idea but do you think maybe your parents did and do still think of you as the ‘golden child’ and are over compensating your sister due to feelings of shame they feel that way? It might be clear to your sister and your parents that they maybe favour you so your sister feels it ok (in a weird way) to accept their help and money as compensation and your parents think it makes up for her being ‘second best’ to them.

I imagine there is a lot of truth in this. It’s another reason why I don’t want to rock the boat really....

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