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To still be utterly devastated a year after a wrong decision?

(76 Posts)
mikado1 Thu 22-Nov-18 10:19:13

I feel my friends and family just don't want to hear it anymore and I am becoming increasingly morose over a decision we made to move last year. I can't get over how short-sighted we were, despite plenty of naval gazing in advance of decision. Hindsight really shows up what a massive and irreversible move it was. I feel my life's been taken from me and I feel so stupid that I disregarded all I had and had achieved in the old place. I fantasise each night about the time of decision and making it different and I wake up each morning heavy with regret, just wanting to turn back time. I have been to counselling but I feel no one understands and worry I'll never get over it.

lborgia Thu 22-Nov-18 10:22:58

You say "we", how does the other person feel? Counselling is unlikely to help if you did make a monumental life- changing mistake. You can't just make it work if it was that awful.

Is there any point in trying to organise a 2 year/5 year plan to move again?

marvellousnightforamooncup Thu 22-Nov-18 10:23:39

I hear you. 8 years on still regretting my move. Family and husband love it here. I'm homesick and regret it every single day.

hellozzz Thu 22-Nov-18 10:23:56

You can't go backwards only forwards.
You can't change was has been, you can grow from it and learn.
I personally think there are no wrong decisions, life takes you down some strange routes.
Life changes in a blink of an eye.

Good luck x

EdithBouvier Thu 22-Nov-18 10:24:44

Can you tell us more OP?not many things are truly irreversible.

lborgia Thu 22-Nov-18 10:25:07

Sorry, by counselling I assume 4-6 chats, possibly some cbt. The reaction you've had would indicate you need something a bit more substantial to either help change how this ends, or to find out what underlying issues make you so depressed about the move.

Doyoumind Thu 22-Nov-18 10:26:46

Is it truly not reversible? It might be difficult to reverse but surely not impossible if that's what needs to happen.

Jayfee Thu 22-Nov-18 10:26:57

Would glass half full thinking help.

Singlenotsingle Thu 22-Nov-18 10:28:49

Easy to say, I know, but why can't you just move back? A lot of faff and hard work, looking for new jobs etc., But no point staying if you're that unhappy.

mikado1 Thu 22-Nov-18 10:44:01

I've my whole family to think of now, husband plus two kids settled in schools. I do dream of going back but rent astronomical in old area and wouldn't get mortgage until got perm jobs etc.. I just don't think dh would do it after the upheaval we've already had. I feel so stupid, I always wanted to move back to hometown but disregarded a full life i had in previous place, so obvious. I'm also terrified of making a mistake by moving again after getting it so wrong.

LIZS Thu 22-Nov-18 10:47:53

If the family have settled you can too. You need to find something positive to do in your new community, establish links and a sense of permanence. Counselling may help you move on.

SnuggyBuggy Thu 22-Nov-18 10:48:24

Decisions to move are a bit like flipping a coin as to whether it's a good or bad idea and you aren't the only person in this situation.

Are the kids happy? Maybe try to think of it as something you have done for them.

DontCallMeCharlotte Thu 22-Nov-18 10:56:57

I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy but I do think you have to try and draw a line and start looking forward rather than back.

Obviously you think that your previous life was a million times better but is it really so bad about where you are now?

hellozzz is spot on.

Nesssie Thu 22-Nov-18 10:57:36

It doesn't sound like its such a terrible decision if your children are happy and settled, and its more budget friendly. Being homesick is normal but it doesn't mean its a huge mistake if their are good points to outweigh the bad.
You can still have a full life and achieve things in your new location.

mikado1 Thu 22-Nov-18 11:00:00

The other place was wonderful for them you see, and originally the older one, now 6, missed it dreadfully, which really added to my regret.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 22-Nov-18 11:06:06

This is a very extreme reaction to having moved house. It’s hardly an awful life shattering mistake.

This is where you live now, you can either moan to family about it everyday or make a life. It’s time to draw a line under the past tbh

Allotment123 Thu 22-Nov-18 11:06:43

We moved 10 years ago 200 miles predominately to be nearer family/ I think I cried every day for the first six weeks. Having a third baby massively helped as I was able to make friends who were actually looking for friends. It took me 2 years to really settle. 18 months ago my Mum unexpectedly died of cancer. I'm so grateful we were near her for those 7 years. It takes a really long time to settle somewhere new, good luck with it. It's hard but you do need to choose to live where you are living, even if it is rubbish, or you could just have another baby ;-)

LaurieMarlow Thu 22-Nov-18 11:08:33

It can take a LONG time to settle in a place. A year isn't much.

What were the factors that attracted you in the first place?

How can you make your life better in the new place?

Fwiw I moved 'home' from London (to Dublin). The first 18 months were awful. Then our life started to fall into place and now 2 and a half years in I know we did the right thing.

PurpleCrazyHorse Thu 22-Nov-18 11:09:16

Remember that you can also start to look backwards with rose-tinted glasses too, only remembering all the good stuff. Remember too that everywhere changes. We loved our old town but 4 years later, if we were to move back, lots of our friends have moved on/away. Things never stay the same.

We moved across country, about 3hrs from where we lived, and it's very different living here. I think DH finds it harder as he doesn't have many friends locally because he just goes out to work. As a SAHM, I've been able to make a few mum friends, get involved in school and generally feel like I'm contributing here.

Unless you can move again, it is about trying to make the best of where you are now. Focussing on your career maybe, or getting involved in things locally, so you can find some positives?

I agree with @hellozzz

wobblywindows Thu 22-Nov-18 11:09:38

My mum moved every 2 years or so, with 2 kids in tow- children change schools anyway after Primary. I think she slowed down after we got to grammar school. Jobwise a bloke may change jobs every 2 - 4 years depending on the industry, it 'd be unusual to stay longer. It's likely you'll move again.

CuriousaboutSamphire Thu 22-Nov-18 11:12:12

mikado your reaction seems way over the top. You say friends, family and therapist haven't helped you put this into context. So what did the therapist suggest you might really be dissatisfied with?

Lack of new friends, loss of social circle perhaps?

Rose tinted glasses meaning that nowhere short of paradise would have matched your expectations?

You say your kids settled in, your DH is happy. What have they done that you have not managed to do so far?

From here I would say, quite glibly, get out there and get a new life, that's what you moved for! But you won't be able to do that before you draw a line under what was and embrace the new place!

Home is where the heart is, they say, and your family is all around you, happy!

DishingOutDone Thu 22-Nov-18 11:20:48

I think you just had the wrong counsellor. I think we can all accept that you will regret the move for some time, even if things turn out ok where you are now. But yes your reaction is over the top so I'd look for another counsellor. Do you think you might be depressed OP, are there previous examples of things going badly for you that have built up, or is something else going on now making it all worse?

Mingmoo Thu 22-Nov-18 11:22:39

We moved back again after moving away but we were ALL miserable so it was an easy decision to make. My issue was that I missed my friends and old life, and found it very hard to make new friends even though technically I'd returned home. My children also found their new school disappointing and struggled to make friends. It has not been unstressful to undo our move - we're about halfway through, I think, and there are times everything feels totally chaotic - but as a family we are a hundred times happier. For me, I couldn't be happy or settle when my family weren't happy or settled. If your family are genuinely happier where you are, that's one thing, but if you're not the only one who looks back with regret you could move back again. It might cost a lot financially and in stress, but it's not impossible. But you really all have to want to do it. My DH and I haven't had one row over a year of intensely stressful change because we're in complete agreement about it being the right thing for us. I think if we disagreed life would have been utterly unbearable.

Justaboy Thu 22-Nov-18 11:27:11

Really missed my old place took quite sometime till I was happy here but i did get over it and now look back and see just how much better this house is compared to the old onesmile

PaulHollywoodsSexGut Thu 22-Nov-18 11:33:12

I feel for you sweetheart, I feel for you.
We are in a position where we will have to move from our place at some point and where we live now is unsustainable for us, the house is far too small and a 3 bed where we are is astronomical.

What you are saying chills my heart as I have proposed moving the family far far way to where I grew up and now I’m mentally back pedalling as on paper it’s a smashing idea but I actually feel sick at the thought.

I’m not helping, I just want you to know your reaction is grief for the place you were in and as a PP said it could change. I know this seems bollocks but please read “Home is Where you live” by Melody Warninck. She’s experienced what you are going through and yes it’s an American schmaltzy bore fest at times it’s a really interesting read x

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