Unreasonable Gift Request

[Araminta69]

A couple of girlfriends and I were recently invited to a birthday dinner to celebrate a big birthday of mutual friend. Another friend of the birthday girl who was also invited to the dinner took it upon herself to arrange a joint gift ,card and cake from all those invited to the event. The request for money from all invited which was sent out from the organiser by text was to pay for ''a surprise spa, a cake and a card and if there is any money left a bracelet or earrings''. The organiser then quoted her PayPal account details and asked for a set amount per head from all those who wanted to contribute. This would have been very thoughtful and convenient had it not been for the fact that the surprise spa was supposed to be from the four girls who were taking the birthday girl to the overnight spa and not the rest of those attending the party who were asked to contribute equally. I was not one of those invited to the spa however knowing the organiser of the gift very well was not surprised surprised by her request for a contribution which I quietly felt was inappropriate. Within minutes of receiving the text I had messages from others who had also been asked for money yet also not asked to the spa and they were far louder than me in voicing their displeasure for being asked to contribute towards something they hadn't been invited to. As I knew the gift organiser better than these girls in my response to her after thanking her for her message and for offering to arrange the gift etc I questioned as to whether it was appropriate to ask all the people invited to a party to pay for a spa which only a few were asked to attend. My question was not just met with a torrent of abuse but the organiser emailed those girls who were asked to the spa plus the birthday girl saying how I had gone out of my way to spoil all the efforts she had made to make the birthday girl's big day special and how incredibly upset she was by my behaviour and that my text reply had arrived whilst she was on holiday and had ruined her trip. I was not actually that upset by her request for money and not at all bothered by not being invited to the spa but I spoke up in an attempt to diffuse the upset of the other non invited girls so the birthday would not be spoiled. In fact she asked one girl for money who had not even been invited to the birthday party yet alone the spa! The culmination of all of this is that the friends of the birthday girl (who found out what happened prior to her birthday but was told by those going to the spa that it was just 'a badly worded text') are now a completely divided group - several did not attend the party at all to avoid any bad atmosphere and the birthday girl is dreading her next birthday and the husband of the present organiser thinks his wife has been completely wrong and that she should apologise to me. The organiser herself will not apologise and thinks I should apologise. Despite being told by the birthday girl that I have done nothing to apologise for I have sent a nice olive branch text to the organiser suggesting we move on from this horrible state of affairs amicably but it has gone ignored. I spoke up originally in good faith in order to avoid conflict. Was I wrong or was it the present organiser herself who was out of order?

[Araminta69]

PS I have heard since that the request was not actually so much badly worded but a stealth boast and sent as the organiser was not keen on all those invited to the party and was out to cause trouble. Also she had heard that the birthday girl was being taken away for a few days by another group of friends and this had annoyed her very much even though that trip was being independently funded and was by a different group of girls entirely.

[newtothisriver]

Any chance of simplifying?

[Santaispolishinghissleigh]

Bloody hell is the birthday girl royalty?
Zero funds need transferring imo.

[Feefeetrixabelle]

You don’t have to be friends with organiser. She sounds like a bellend.

Simplified:

Organiser arranged large party and separate spa present for four. Asked large party to pay cost of spa for four. Party goers unhappy. Op pointed this out. Organiser showed she was a douche. Now won’t apologise.

[Araminta69]

Feefeetrixibelle thank you for simplifying...I am new to NM...
You got it, spot on 👌🏻
The birthday girl is not Royalty and I don't think unusual for her to receive a gift from her friend on her birthday. She has been left feeling very awkward whilst not wishing to fall out with any of the group - the gift organiser included.

[AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen]

Organiser sounds a bit mad. Why on earth should everyone pay for a trip they have not been invited on? How odd

[Di11y]

assuming the girls going on the spa trip paid for themselves? but were closer to her?

[UserName31456789]

I would just say "thanks, nice idea but I've already bought a gift for birthday girl see you Saturday xx" She sounds like a drama queen and I wouldn't want to feed her the drama she craves.

[Araminta69]

Yes those going to the spa did pay for themselves and to take the birthday girl also - it was their gift to her which is why the organiser asking everyone else to pay for it was strange as well as inappropriate. These girls were no closer than others invited to the party just a different group of friends.

[NicePieceOfPlaid]

She's not worth the bother.

[Celebelly]

Was the money just to pay for the birthday girl's spa trip? Or was it for the overall spa trip including the four of them? If the latter, then the organiser is a CF (as it's clearly been arranged to subsidise their taking part). Even if not, I would expect the people actually going to the spa to help pay for the birthday girl if that was the present they wanted to give, and not expect the partygoers to.

She sounds pretty unpleasant anyway so I wouldn't lose any sleep over her.

[cowfacemonkey]

I find it best not to be the spokesperson when others are feeling pissed off about something, never ends well. I would have politely said "thanks but I have already sorted my own gift" and others could have done the same.

[Araminta69]

I'm not sure what it was originally meant to cover as the birthday girl understood the cost of her going to the spa was a gift from those taking her and i presume those taking her would be paying for themselves to go... I just don't know how the request could possibly be just 'badly worded' and why I seem to have been branded the bad guy for suggesting to the organiser that it was out of form to make such a request 🤔 ...all resulting in a lot of unnecessary bad feeling throughout a big group of girls and the organiser believing she has done nothing wrong!

[Araminta69]

#cowfacemonkey in retrospect I should have done that but I was trying to fend off a potential world war three in an attempt to keep the situation from the birthday girl...

[shearwater]

You can't fend off WW3 if someone is so determinedly pressing the nuclear button. Don't get involved.

[MyBrexitIsIll]

The organiser is the issue.
You know it, the b’day girl knows it, even her DH knows it.
Let it go. You’ve done as much as you could and yu certainly haven’t done anything wrong.

Next year, I would suggest a party wo the organiser (and her friends if they are supporting her)

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

So basically the other 3 wanted to take the credit for treating the birthday girl but expected everyone else to subsidise them. Don't give it any more headspace, you weren't wrong to call her out.

Is it a milestone birthday or does the organiser and their group of friends usually go so OTT?

[MrDonut]

Yeah, people really don't like being called on their bullshit.

Leave the organiser be. You've done nothing wrong here. You don't need to apologise.

[ACatsNoHelpWithThat]

Sorry just saw it was a big birthday. Still unnecessary drama though!

[Iloveacurry]

Present organiser should of only requested funds from those going in the spa day. Everyone else should sort their own present to the birthday girl if they wish.

Present organiser is being unreasonable and should be the one apologising.

[Failingat40]

You've exposed her as a bit of a freeloading bitch, she's kicked off and thrown her toys out the pram.

It's better for her to be seen as some wounded victim rather than the CF tightwad she really is.

Step away from the drama. Block her.

Stop trying to sort it out with her, that doesn't suit her perspective.

[Bigonesmallone3]

Bloody hell, things like this make me glad of a small friendship group that don't make huge efforts for bdays..
It was out of order for organiser to ask everyone to pay for them all to go to the spa, if it was just a few quid towards birthday girls cost then ye understandable.. u were not out of line uv just come under fire coz u were the only one to step up.. ur still friends with the birthday girl and everyone involved so I wouldn't worry, organiser sounds like a knob!

[Ohyesiam]

I don’t think you were “ wrong” to speak out about the cf request, but iguess its a life lesson in how it’s pointless segueing with people who are totally convinced they are right no matter what they do. It was nieve to think it would avoid conflict. If the group had voted with their feet , individually declining the request and saying they would rather buy their own present, she would have more trouble scapegoating a whole group of people.
You have been treated badly, and she sounds best avoided. Those who believe the “ badly worded text “ story are either still at school and in with the Mean Girls, or they are nieve too.
But as I said, you can hold your head high , you’ve done nothing wrong.

[dontalltalkatonce]

Just don't stick your hand in the crazy. Send the message UserName31456789 suggests and be done with it.

[cranberrymoon]

I went to a 40th recently and two of her vvv close friends were organising some jewellery for the birthday girl. They suggested £40 donation from each person going to the party. The birthday girl would never have spent this on me so I just got her something myself. It was so presumptuous that we'd all be willing to spend that much. Really hacked me off.