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AIBU?

...to be upset at family going abroad for Xmas without me?

46 replies

Jabbythehutt · 20/11/2018 11:27

My job means I’m not allowed to take annual leave over the festive period and it is our busiest time of year - I will be at work on Xmas eve day, then again Xmas day night, so just getting back home is difficult. This year is the first Xmas DH and I will have as a married couple (no kids yet), last year he came to my parents with me (his parents were invited but declined) so this year I agreed to come to his parents for Xmas.

I was planning on going back to my family for Boxing Day but now my parents and brother/aunts/cousin/uncle have announced they’re spending the whole festive period in the States visiting distant relatives. This obviously means I won’t see any of them at all at any point. My cousin has come out and said that there’s no need to spend Xmas away from them all unless kids are in the picture and she wouldn’t spend Xmas with her partner’s family even if they were married unless they had children. Mum says they’re just taking the opportunity to see them as I won’t be there on Xmas day anyway. I’m upset because they could choose any other time of year and I could go with them, but I do not have that option at all with it being a time of year when I’m not allowed to take holiday. I just thought it wasn’t fair to have DH have Xmas away from his parents but then refuse to return the favour the following year when I’d been invited. I really feel like my family are trying to prove a point and punish me for not seeing them. This post isn’t going to change anything, they’re going and I can’t even if I changed my mind, just interested to see what others think, maybe I’m being unfair.

OP posts:
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HarrietKettleWasHere · 20/11/2018 11:30

I don’t know, I’m not incredibly close to my family so I always love having Christmas with just DP when it’s ‘my turn’. I think being upset that they’ll have a fab Christmas that doesn’t include you is childish.

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Jackshouse · 20/11/2018 11:33

I think you are being unfair to expect lots of people to do not doing something because you have chosen a job we’re you can’t. It’s not that you are going to be by yourself and your weren’t going to even spend Christmas Day with them anyway.

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/11/2018 12:03

Would you have used your annual leave to go and visit distant relatives and expect your DH to go along with this. Or would you use your annual leave to holiday somewhere with DH. If Xmas is a convenient time for everybody else then you are bu. You really can't expect all thise other people to fit in with you

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/11/2018 12:06

Mum says they’re just taking the opportunity to see them as I won’t be there on Xmas day anyway

^ This seems totally reasonable. I'm not sure why you're upset or what you want to happen?

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TwistedStitch · 20/11/2018 12:06

I think YABU to expect everyone to plan their Christmas around you visiting them on Boxing Day tbh.

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Defender90 · 20/11/2018 12:07

When I left home (only child) and moved in with my partner, my parents started going abroad every Christmas (apart from once when Dad was having heart surgery). My Mum & Dad hosted Christmas for Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles & Cousins every single year - they deserved relaxing in the sun, I never grudged them it.

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DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/11/2018 12:08

I don't think your family are BU. They have time off work and know that you don't, and that you have arranged to spend Christmas with your ILs. I doubt they are doing it to punish you, more that it was a good opportunity.

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DanielRicciardosSmile · 20/11/2018 12:08

Oh, cousin is being ridiculous though. I take it s/he is single?

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Urbanbeetler · 20/11/2018 12:08

I agree with others but I do still see why you’re upset. It is sad to feel left out.

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ilovesooty · 20/11/2018 12:10

I don't think they're being unreasonable either.

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Aridane · 20/11/2018 12:22

YABU

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HashtagTeamRaven · 20/11/2018 12:25

You want your whole family to postpone a family holiday (during potentially the only time their annual leave all matches up) so that you can see them on boxing day?

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mindutopia · 20/11/2018 12:27

I think you're being unreasonable expecting them to alter their plans to accomodate your schedule. You're a married couple. You make your own plans now. They are all adults. They make their own plans too. Sometimes those plans coincide and it means you can spend holidays together, other times they don't. That's okay. I think you're very lucky already having so many options for Christmas every year. I see my family about once every 5 years on Christmas (as they live in the States) and we also rarely see my dh's family either anymore (our children are NC with a family member and it's nearly impossible to see anyone at big events without this family member turning up). We've spent the past few Christmases home alone by ourselves and we may not be able to travel to see family again this year either. So I'd enjoy your time together this year or with dh's family and see your family when they return.

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howabout · 20/11/2018 12:29

YABU
Be glad they are giving you the freedom to make your own plans in the future too. My DH used to work Christmas shifts. Wish we had stuck with the lack of obligation to join in it created.

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RiverTam · 20/11/2018 12:29

I agree that this is about maximising annual leave, and it's unfortunate that you feel excluded, but it would be far more unfair to do as you suggest, I'm afraid.

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Jux · 20/11/2018 12:31

Well, yes, you would be u if you let them know how upset youvare, or guilt-tripped them about it, inshort if you did anything much but sent them off with a cheery smile and a "have a lovely time". But you haven't and you won't will you?

Feel sad but don't act it.

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fieryginger · 20/11/2018 12:37

It's a great opportunity for them to do something exciting. As you are working, I wouldn't take offence at them going away, though yanbu to feel disappointed, I wouldn't take it to heart or make them feel bad about it

We only live once, let them have their trip with your blessing of "I'll miss you, but have the best time" as they're not going to cancel their trip.

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alligatorsmile · 20/11/2018 12:43

Awh, I'd be a bit sad about that too. It would make me feel like I was bottom of the list of priorities. I'd not say anything though, as it's not a totally unreasonable thing to do, it just feels a bit bad for the person who is being excluded.

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Rudgie47 · 20/11/2018 12:44

YABU, you can see them at New Year or anytime. All those people shouldn't have to be pandering to you.

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Penny1976 · 20/11/2018 12:47

Do they have children?

Only this year ours aren't going back until 7th Jan so we've seized the chance to book a holiday away after Christmas. We only need to use a couple of days holidays with the bank holidays and we get a good long stretch away.

Maybe this is the reason.

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kenandbarbie · 20/11/2018 12:48

Yabu, you're all adults sometimes your plans will coincide sometimes they won't. No biggy.

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Figmentofimagination · 20/11/2018 12:50

I don't see the problem with them going away. They are visiting family. Though your cousins comments were weird.
My parents are going to visit my sister over Christmas and new year in the states, even though I have their only grandchild. I don't begrudge them going as they want to spend Christmas with my sister who the only see a couple of times a year. I would love to go with them, but I can't book holidays off in December and can't afford to go anyway. So it will be Christmas Day just the 3 of us, as MIL prefers for us to come over on Boxing Day, and we don't see FIL.

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SassitudeandSparkle · 20/11/2018 12:53

OP, it does seem extremely unlikely that because for this one year you are going to your DH's parents that the rest of your family would all spend money on a holiday simply to 'punish you'. YABU.

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TheChickenOfTruth · 20/11/2018 12:56

My husband and I both get a full week off over Christmas as our companies close, and the schools are shut too. If we wanted to go way to visit family, that'd clearly be the most leave-efficient time to do so.
I'm sorry you're upset, but YABU.

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prettypossums · 20/11/2018 12:59

Op, I completely see where you are coming from. If they are planning a big family trip to the US, that they know you would like to take part in, it seems pretty inconsiderate to go at precisely the time when you won't be able to join them.

If they have form for that sort of thing, it does sound as though you are being 'punished' for spending Christmas with the in-laws.

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