The tale of the toxic bridesmaid

[grincheux]

NC for this.

I'm tangled up in a toxic friendship. It's coming to a head, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Apologies in advance, this might go on a bit...

Friend in question is the sort of person who is 'the constant' in every shitty situation which happens to her. Her life is a mess, largely engineered by herself, she falls out with just about everyone she meets and as a result doesn't have many friends and has cut contact with her own family, and tries to disconnect her partner from his own family. She's incredibly moody and manipulative, but I've stuck by her for years and been her only friend and support, which unfortunately means I'm also on the receiving end of that bad bits. I should make it clear that we are "close" - we see each other once a week etc.

She and her partner got engaged a few years ago after their DD was born. I've had five dates in my calendar for her wedding now over the last few years, none of which have actually happened. Cue plenty of time spent wasted looking at wedding venues and suppliers which she never actually intended to book. This year, she settled for a date over a year away and sent out save the dates. She then magnanimously announced to me that she "wouldn't be angry if I got married before her". I wasn't even engaged.

Fast forward a bit. DP and I are now engaged (hooray!) and are getting married... A few months before her. Our circumstances are completely different, we want to start a family and would prefer to be married first, you get the picture. When I told her we'd got engaged, she didn't sound as excited as a lot of other friends. She made it clear that her primary concern was my availability to help her organise her wedding now. I felt like I had to ask her to be a bridesmaid because she'd kick off if I didn't (it's highly unpleasant when she does, weeks of the silent treatment, snarky texts and strops). She doesn't get on with any of the other bridesmaids (or my family... or friends... see where this is going...) and has already upset several other people in our wedding party. On Friday night she rang me to complain about the other bridesmaids and threatened not to come to the wedding. She changed her tune when I told her that was "a shame but up to her". Same again when she said she was going to cancel her own wedding because "this is all too much" (I haven't actually asked her to do or organise anything).

She's been 'off' with me this week for no apparent reason and after messages from other friends asking what her problem is - I've finally had enough. I feel like I've almost been gaslighted by this woman for years and I've finally seen what a pain in the arse she is, and now she's putting me on edge about my wedding as well. I realise this is partly my own fault for carrying on pandering to her for as long as I have but it's too much now. She's upsetting me, and now my other friends.

AIBU to want to completely cut contact with this person? I don't even want her at the wedding for fear of her either sulking in a corner or causing some sort of scene... Far less than having her as a bridesmaid. I know what I want to do, I'm just not sure how to go about it. Whatever I do or say, I'm pretty sure she's going to be vile about it. Please help MMers.

[Confusedbeetle]

In no .way ask her to be a bridesmaid. She will take the hump and that will be that. I also would tell her you cant help her organise her wedding

[Aquamarine1029]

FFS, get rid and don't look back. Sometimes we wake up and realize just how toxic some people are to our lives. I've been there, too. Cut ties and move on. You'll be very glad you did.

[BillywilliamV]

"Cant do this anymore, have a lovely life!" ......then BLOCK.

That should do it.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Cut her off right now.

Tell her plainly that her actions around your wedding are the reason "... my wedding obviously isn't making you happy and your objections are not making me happy so let's just part company here" and then block her... tell your closest friends and family what you have done and why... and let her do what she will.

Mostly you'll have to change how you see her and her behaviour... unnecessary in your life and not your problem. You'll feel really bad for a while, but there are times when you have to put yourself first - and your own wedding is one of them!

[Blanchedupetitpois]

The first thing you have to do is accept that there will be a fallout. Make your peace with it. You can’t avoid it, you just have to live through it.

Then send her a text or email saying something like:

Dear X. This is a hard message to write, but I’ve reached the point where I think I have to make my feelings clear. I have really struggled with your recent behaviour towards me. I’ve let it go for a long time, which I shouldn’t have, but I won’t do that any more. I feel that you have been rude and unpleasant to my other bridesmaids / family members, and have emotionally manipulated me by threatening not to come to the wedding. I have decided it would be best if you didn’t come. I know this will be very hurtful, and I am sorry for that. But I have to prioritise my own well-being at this time. If you want to talk to me about this I will listen, but not if you are in any way rude or aggressive to me.

It will cause her to be a dick. But that isn’t your responsibility. Accept it, and move on. You’ll be so much better off for cutting her out

[Wineandpyjamas]

This doesn’t sound like a friendship to me OP. This sounds like you’ve spent the majority of the time you’ve known her pandering to her in case she gets in a mood or takes something the wrong way.

Life’s too short to be walking on eggshells around people. You need to think seriously about what capacity you want her in your life. Just from your post I would say you should message her saying something along the lines of: “this friendship isn’t working for me anymore, I believe we’re too different to really get along. Best of luck with everything.” And then block.

I do appreciate it’s not always that easy but if you keep her as part of your life it sounds like you’ll always be wary of setting her off.

Best of luck.

[JellieEllie]

In your first paragraph I genuinely thought we must have the same friend.

I cut mine off last year after finally wising up to what she was. I had a lot of therapy for a trauma that happened many years ago and coming through that made me change as a person.
It was only after I started to love myself and feeling very happy and confident about my an future that I realised just what a negative nasty bitch she actually was to me.
I hadn't seen it before because I was so down in the dumps and feeling shit myself all the time I felt it was also normal for her to be the way she was.
It's only now that I'm happy that I can see straight through her.
I cut her off completely and I have never looked back; I never think about her and I never want to hear from her again. I realise now that I spent a lot of time worrying about her reactions to situations before; I would hate when she got in a mood and laid the silent treatment on me or snarky texts when things weren't going her way. I like the fact I can now spend time with whoever I want without her being jealous about it and making me feel guilty. I also seem to have a lot more free time for myself as it was insistent of her that I saw her at least 2-3 times a week.

I think you will find if you just completely cut her off you will have such a lovely stress free life of your own. People like her will never change and she sounds like a right handful. Friends don't treat you that way so don't put up with it because you think you are her friend. You may be hers but she's certainly not yours.

[Iloveacurry]

The above message is spot on. Get rid.

[Enigmam]

You have to get rid. Toxic friends are the worst, you have no idea just how much energy they will put into wishing you misfortune as well as throwing around so much negativity. Weddings are stressful enough without wondering whether she will sabotage it.

[flossieisbossy]

This should be one of the happiest times of your life and she is purposefully ruining it
Just tell her , she sounds vile

[Pinkyyy]

I would also agree that you must cut her off now, not even just because she will ruin your big day, but because of her behaviour/personality as a whole. You are about to start a new exciting adventure of marriage and children and you should start it out with the right people in your life

[festivellama]

She sounds like a high-maintenance pain in the neck. What was her complaint about the other bridesmaids?

[Hissy]

100% spot on that message - it's polite, to the point and deals with absolutely everything in one place, even to the acknowledgement of her feelings, but that you won't tolerate any more of this crap

She is a toxic person and will poison your wedding and you are worth more than that

Don't feel even the remotest bit guilty, you have given her a huge amount more time than anyone else has/would do

[Kewqueue]

AIBU to want to completely cut contact with this person?

Struggling to understand why you didn't do this years ago tbh.

[Merryoldgoat]

Tell her to fuck off out of your life and enjoy the freedom from her shit.

[laurG]

I’ve been in an extremely similar situation. Dysfunctional friend who’s poor decisions made her life endlessly chaotic and constantly wanted sympathy when it all goes wrong (again, for the same reasons it all went wrong before). She was extremely manipulative and puts herself at the centre of every situation. She has no concern over anyone else’s life or just about herself and how she appears to others. I just got so fed up with her I basically sabotaged the friendship just to put an end to it. Couldn’t be bothered with all the drama. She is a really smart girl but so self destructive and I really grew to hate the way she used people around her to serve her own end. I feel awful as she was a very old friend but sometimes friendships aren’t sustainable. Maybe one day W eight reconcile but not soon.

[PurpleWithRed]

This is going to be like childbirth or like leaving a partner: painful and messy in the short term but soon forgotten and well worth it in the long term.

You have two options a) cut her completely, go NC, block her on everything or b) keep up the 'shame but up to you' approach and run the relationship on your terms only, see if she is capable of being a healthy friend.

Alternatively, tell her (via text or something distant) that as she is unhappy with the other bridesmaids you have decided it is best if you just have them to be your bridesmaids and not her. Have plans/speeches in place in case she throws a strop ('I'm afraid thats my decision' etc), don't get embroiled in a conversation, and hope she gives you the silent treatment. If she is very rude say 'im hanging up now' then block her number.

The FREEDOM!!!

[grincheux]

Thank you for your replies so far! I feel so much better for writing it out and seeing it's not just me going mad. DP heard her on the phone to me the other night and said I should just fuck her off too.

@Blanchedupetitpois you're an absolute wordsmith. I'll use some of that I know it's wussing out a bit to text instead of call but I the thought of getting into a rude and shouty conversation is a bit much right now.

@festivellama - "they don't like me", "they're bullying me", "they're trying to steal your friendship", "they're trying to make out that they know you better than I do", "so and so's a showoff", "so and so is spoilt", "I'm being ganged up on"... Ah the list goes on. I'd believe it if it didn't happen every. single. time. Always the victim.

@Kewqueue I know, I know, head in hands as we speak

[QueenofStella]

Ask yourself, does this person bring anything positive to your life? Do you have fun together, laugh, can you trust her to be there for you if you need help?

If not, then she isn’t a friend and you should seriously consider how much time you spend on her. You absolutely do not want to be treading on eggshells at your own wedding when she inevitably kicks off....

Make the break now and be done

[BumbleBeee69]

Don't tell her in any form of writing that she can post online or manipulate into something else. Tell her by a phone call that you don't want her as a Bridesmaid and your friendship is no longer working out. It'll be a very hard call to make OP but you will feel better for it. This is meant to be a magical time for you and she's sucking the life of it, hell get rid of her then block her everywhere

[MrsSpenserGregson]

Cut her out of your life using whatever means necessary! I mean, there's no need to be deliberately rude and hurtful but, given what you've told us about your friend, she's going to react really badly no matter how you do it.

Also - since when do bridesmaids help organise the wedding?????? (Don't they just show up on the day, carry your train and hold your flowers for you? That's what mine did). There's not that much to do, surely? Book a venue, choose the menu, send out invitations..... caveat: I'm old and I got married before weddings became an "industry" so I realise it may be more complicated than this..!

[MamaLovesMango]

Oh gosh @grincheux life’s to short for an invasion drama llamas.

Really good wording from PP above. Do that then delete and block.

[grincheux]

I'm feeling relieved already at the thought of cutting ties - and pretty embarrassed that I let it go on this long! Thank you everyone.

Please hold my hand while I do the binning... I'm genuinely terrified of how this is going to go

BIG GIRL PANTS ON!

[Hissy]

I also had a friend who was always a bit of a drama llama, but went into orbit in the lead up to my wedding, i went NC in the end and don't regret it for a second

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Hand held....

Don't be terrified. No matter what fuss she causes you have real friends, you have family. They will all help you withstand whatever teeny tiny tantrum she throws - and her Total Shitstorm will look ridiculous as soon as you acclimatise to your new, Drama Llama free life!