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AIBU?

... to think that my inlaws are controlling not inclusive of me?

71 replies

Amgelima · 18/11/2018 10:35

... I wonder how common my inlaw's behaviour is, and whether I'm being a bit overly sensitive. (My own family lives in another country, I miss them dearly and I only see them once or twice a year, so perhaps that dynamic makes me more sensitive to how DH's family treats me.)

Basically, I come from a very inclusive family where spouses are treated as family members from day one. Once I was married, my parents saw DH and me as a family unit. Sure, sometimes they call just to talk to me or email a question specifically to me, but they would never try to do something that pulled me away from DH.

DH's family, on the other hand, seems to have an emphasis on "the real, original family members". They have a "original family member only" whatsapp group, where they share jokes and pictures that I am not a part of. I wasn't bothered by this at first, but I noticed that when I sent them pictures and videos of DC via another whatsap group at the grandparents' request, I never got any replies. I then learned that they were replying to each other to discuss the pictures via their "original family only" whatsapp group instead of responding to me. The result is that it does nothing to build connections or relationship with me. DH looks at it sometimes but isn't extremely involved as there's usually too much else going on. He shows it to me sometimes if he wants to share a joke they sent or whatever. I asked DH about whether he should just add me to that group and he said that his sister set it up and she is highly controlling and will be upset if he added me to the group. He said just not to make a big deal of it and while I can see that it's a small thing, I think the reason it bothers me is because it's part of their larger mentality. (We also have a whatsapp group with my family and my parents are extremely inclusive with spouses -- my brother and his wife are on it in addition to my husband and myself.)

SIL, who is in her mid 30s, has always had problems with me and MIL often seems intent on making sure SIL feels special and taken care of at family gatherings, but it's usually done in a way that makes me feel controlled or suppressed. If something I do makes SIL feel insecure, MIL will try to control the situation so that SIL can feel more secure. This is my take on the situation, so maybe I'm wrong, but it definitely feels this way. For example, I once brought a homemade cake to my inlaw's house for Christmas. SIL had baked mince pies for Christmas. MIL said we ought to put my cake to the side so that SIL's pies could be eaten. She went on and on about how great SIL's pies were, kept my cake in a cupboard for literally 4-5 days, then offered to serve it as if it were a huge annoyance. I told her not to worry about it at that point but she was like, "Oh no, go ahead and cut your cake and serve it". When I did, she and SIL did not want any, and MIL said, "There, your DH will eat your cake. See? DH go ahead and eat it." It was extremely awkward. Another time, I played Christmas carols on the piano. FIL was really enjoying it, but when SIL got home, she looked incredibly angry and glared at me across the room. A few minutes later, they asked me to stop and said the reason was they were all used to singing Christmas carols without accompaniment. Later I learned that SIL was trying to learn a Christmas song on the piano, and that she had told her family she didn't want the shine to be taken away from her performance of her song, which apparently took place after I left.

Shortly after DH and I got married (several years before our DC came along), SIL asked DH if he would come home to the house where she lived with her parents to catch up with her for a weekend. DH asked me if I was ok with that and I told her it was fine with me. Then, the day before he was supposed to go, he said SIL had sent through a plan for SIL and my DH and their parents to travel to France together to stay in a chalet for the weekend. I told DH that felt different to me -- it wasn't him going to catch up with SIL for the weekend, but was more of them going on a little holiday together last minute without including me, his newly wed spouse. I told him I did feel left out, but as all the plans had already been put into place by SIL, I also didn't want to cause drama. I told him that ultimately since we were married he should tell them that's not good form and that if SIL is going to plan a family holiday I should be offered the chance to go, too. I didn't make a scene, simply told him what I thought of the situation. He decided to go anyway and afterwards when we talked about it more he said he wished I had been more pushy/forceful in explaining how I felt about it (basically putting the onus on me). He has matured since then and has never done anything like that again, thankfully.

Recently, now that SIL has been in a serious relationship, things have gotten a bit better in terms of group dynamics when we visit DH's family. Still, though, SIL tries to have a great deal of control and the end result is that DC and I are often on the outskirts of the action or I feel suppressed and controlled. SIL's partner tried to talk to me during a family outing, simply asking some benign questions about my family, and instead of staying next to her partner and joining in the conversation (as I think would be the normal response), SIL instead marched off to her mum (my MIL) and within a few minutes MIL marched over to where SIL's partner was chatting to me and asked him some questions rudely and loudly. Meanwhile, DH, who SIL had also spoken to, motioned for me to come over to him. MIL and DH were trying to break up the conversation at SIL's request -- although they probably didn't realise how obvious it was to me. DH told me he found these types of family gatherings really stressful and that he couldn't handle the stress. I didn't confront him (as I should have) about the " conversation intervention" because I didn't feel like starting an argument between the two of us while he family were around.

I can see that this probably feels like disorganised stream of consciousness writing. Kudos to anyone who made it this far. I would be grateful for objective feedback. There are many more examples I'm skipping, and I think there is an unhealthy dynamic going on in this family relationship, but I also want to be aware of where I might be overly sensitive about it. I have gotten better over the years about talking to DH about this stuff, and his loyalty has transferred to me over his family much more -- but at the same time, I feel like he is not able to call a spade a spade and be honest about their manipulation and flaws as real problems much of the time. What would you do if these were your inlaws?

OP posts:
Alfie190 · 18/11/2018 10:59

I think it is only worth spending time and energy on things that you have the power to change. I don't think you will change this family, so I would leave them to it. Most of this is stuff that I simply would not let bother me, the exception being the weekend trip to France, I would have expected to be invited or at least consulted properly on that.

birdladyfromhomealone · 18/11/2018 10:59

your SIL is jealous of you.

finova · 18/11/2018 11:07

I wouldn’t WhatsApp any more pictures. Your DH can take that role, and he probably won’t be as diligent as you.
Disengage.

earlybyrd · 18/11/2018 11:13

You can't fight this sort of jealousy, especially when it's enabled by your MIL
As pp said - disengage- expend your energy elsewhere and let the silly, small minded cow feel frustrated as she won't be able to hurt you if you disengage. Concentrate all efforts on your own family.

Sexnotgender · 18/11/2018 11:13

I can totally understand your frustration!!

However I don’t think they are going to change so rather than get upset you need to change how you react to them. The only one getting hurt here is you and you need to protect yourself.

Disengage totally. They sound like inconsiderate assholes (apart possibly from FIL).

howabout · 18/11/2018 11:14

Yep disengage. Suspect if you let your DH deal with it he will stop giving them involvement in your lives and start making them earn it by treating you and your family unit with a bit of RESPECT. Very difficult for him to do this atm as you keep making the first move and giving them the ammunition to make a point of excluding you.

OurMiracle1106 · 18/11/2018 11:14

I’d step away. I’d remove myself from the Whatsapp group and not send any photos/videos. I would also tell DH as you are not included in the family and feel very controlled you will no longer be going to his family’s gatherings. He is welcome to go and take the kids with him but you will no longer be made to feel insignificant.

TheBlueDot · 18/11/2018 11:17

Yes, disengage. You’re not going to persuade these people to include you. Let DH take the lead on his family, you don’t need to do nice things like make cakes as you know it’s not appreciated.

Agree with DH that he never agrees to plans without running things past you - him taking the lead does not mean he gets to organise you and your DC time - you should agree family plans together.

Also your DH is very passive here - he could include you in a family group. I’d recommend he set up an new family group (including all spouse) and keep that as his main way of communicating with the family. If MIL or SIL suggest a plan on their separate group, he can respond on the wider WhatsApp group to ensure you and the other in-law are included.

Ilovedotcotton · 18/11/2018 11:21

Ourmiracle1106 has it spot on.

cricketmum84 · 18/11/2018 11:21

Agree with PPs. The only control you have in this whole situation is over your own reactions to their behaviour. They are never going to change so yes disengage and protect your own feelings from them.
Leave the WhatsApp group, let your DH control the contact with his family. Go to the family gatherings but prepare your best "no fucks given here" face. They sound a strange bunch!!

KM99 · 18/11/2018 11:27

Your SIL sounds like a spoilt child.

Agree with other posters, not worth channeling your energy into them tbh. Minimise time you spend with them, lower your expectations when you are with them.

Your DH could maybe do more, but I'm not sure how much it would change things. Finding a way to manage around it sounds better.

Your time is far better spent on nurturing the relationships with people who care about you (near or far).

ShanghaiDiva · 18/11/2018 11:28

Agree with others - they sound odd. Do not post any more pictures, let your dh take care of that. As others have said - you cannot control their behaviour, only your reaction to their behaviour - no need to make an effort with people who are so blatantly rude to you.

UnicornSlaughters · 18/11/2018 11:37

Yep, as others have said. Disengage and walk away from the weird family dynamic.

I like BlueDot's suggestion for a new whatsapp group for discussing plans. I'd go one step further and suggest your DH leaves the existing group. He needs to make a very strong stand that their behaviour is ridiculous.

Tallycally · 18/11/2018 11:38

Poor you! They sound very unpleasant and immature. I agree with everyone’s suggestions; put distance between yourself and these people. Focus on building genuine, lasting relationships with friends. Plan lovely activities with your immediate family and others who value you and care about you. Dwelling on your in-laws’ bizarre and unkind behaviour is a negative activity and will eat away at you. Don’t do it! Try and stay positive and please stop thinking about these people! X 💐

Glowerglass · 18/11/2018 11:39

Your SIL has problems. How does her DP feel about the ways she carries on?

Tistheseason17 · 18/11/2018 11:44

YANBU

SIL/MIL behaviour is not normal.

I would disengage from WhatsApp Group. You also have a DH problem if he is allowing them to treat you like this.

I would also keep winding up SIL by being polite and friendly to any boyfriends she has!! She is clearly very jealous of you!!!

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 18/11/2018 11:45

Accept you are wasting your energy on these nasty people. They are not your family and thank goodness for that.
Your dh is a wimp btw for allowing /accepting this treatment of you.

Inertia · 18/11/2018 11:49

If your SIL is any older than about 16 (being self-centred is par for the course with teenagers) then she sounds like a bit of a spoiled princess.

There’s little point in trying to engage with people who are so insular. Let your DH do all the photos etc with his family. You’d be better off spending your time and energy on doing things with your husband and children, and leading the way in planning your free time and events in a way that includes all of you.

AnnaMagnani · 18/11/2018 11:53

I agree with disengaging. Stop sending the photos, leave it to your DH - chances are, he won't send many.

SIL sounds like an oversensitive, overindulged child. Oddly, I suspect her partner may well realise this - it's totally normal for the 'outsiders' to catch up at family gatherings and chat without the siblings having a meltdown. Would be interesting to see if the relationship lasts or he decides just to be an enabler/doormat.

Your DH already says he finds the events stressful. Overtime, it will prob be easiest just to see MIL and FIL on their own. And not much.

category12 · 18/11/2018 11:55

TheBlueDot's right - ideally, your DH should leave the exclusive whatsapp group and start another. If he doesn't have the nerve to do that, then he should just leave it.

You should stop sending them photos - you get no acknowledgement, so why would you continue to bother? Just don't.

Step away from it, let him deal with them, be civil but stop trying to ingratiate yourself with them, it's futile.

LemonTT · 18/11/2018 11:56

You SIL does not like you. It could be jealousy, clash of personalities, not wanting to be usurped as the only daughter etc. Her mother is taking her side and always will. Probably to her detriment. They are not going to accept you as a daughter. Stop pushing the relationship, with photos, messages or cake.

Disengage, and let your husband manage the relationship with him and your children. But set him boundaries on how far they can go with clannish behaviour. No holidays for him and the children without you, no bitching about you etc. Graduate the no or low contact so they can’t challenge him. Start with this Christmas. Spend it at home with your family and just pay short visits.

Don’t know why you don’t do this anyway. They are not like your family and never will be.

GreenTulips · 18/11/2018 11:57

My family are similar to yours so I understand where you are coming from.

It's sad that you are married and have children and still feel excluded

I agree stop tourchering yourself! Step back and let DH take all the initiative

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OzzyMadBat · 18/11/2018 11:57

Christ almighty, what's she going to be like if you have kids?
Sounds like a nightmare and yes, you should call them on it by disengaging, doing the bare minimum and making DH deal with them incl photo requests, gifts and the like. Every. Single. Time.

OzzyMadBat · 18/11/2018 11:59

Sorry - you already have kids. How are they treated incidentally?

woollyheart · 18/11/2018 12:00

Why don't you create your own WhatsApp group with all family members you want on it, maybe including people from both your family and dH's family?

There is no reason to let her limit communications between you and other people.

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