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AIBU?

triggering Was I raped?

612 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:38

I woke up to my partner having sex with me. I lay still and kept quiet. He didn’t know I was awake. I waited for him to ask or check. He tried to go for anal sex but I cried out so he went back to what he was doing. He tried twice more for anal before returning to what he had been doing. Then got up and left the room.

I’ve said before I didn’t mind him trying to wake me by touches and caresses. Is it my fault? Did he misunderstand? Did I give consent without meaning to? I’m so confused and feel so cold.

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AllyMcBeagle · 18/11/2018 03:42

I'm sorry OP. That is rape. It is not your fault. You did not consent to that.

Have you thought about talking to the kind people at the rape crisis helpline?
rapecrisis.org.uk/helplinesemotionalsupport.php

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:45

It only happened two hours ago. He’s asleep next me. I have no idea what to do. I didn’t know how to say ‘you’re raping me, stop.’

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Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:45

Also thank you so much for your reply.

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Shriek · 18/11/2018 03:47

I'm very sad for you love.
How awful, degrading, and disgusting to try to use your body while you slept.
Rape, is about consent, you can't consent if you are not conscious.
When you feel ready to talk, there are wonderfully supportive women at rape crisis that will be ready to listen and help you through this.
I imagine that there is a lot else very wrong in your relationship too.
Small steps.
Keep your head down and just help yourself all you can.
It's worth being aware that women's aid have a national helpline also, again, no judgement, lots of support for your situation.

AllyMcBeagle · 18/11/2018 03:47

What's your situation? Do you have children in the house? Do you have relatives eg parents who you could stay with?

Shriek · 18/11/2018 03:49

Bless you, you certainly have not and are not doing anything wrong, nor do you deserve this.

You've been really strong to ask this and want answers, keep going.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:51

In all honesty no, there wasn’t anything wrong before this. It has come from nowhere.

He has been a perfect gentleman. He’s very old fashioned, kisses my hand, opens doors, makes a massive effort in every way to keep me happy, is supportive, kind and loving. Not even a whisper of anything close to anything that would have suggested this. I keep thinking it must be a mistake, a misunderstanding.

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Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:51

My children are in the house.

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Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:52

The house is mine. I’m in the strongest possible position.

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nocoolnamesleft · 18/11/2018 03:55

I am sorry. This was rape. You had not consented to sex. He had no reasonable reason to think you had consented to sex. And the repeatedly returning to anal sex even after you'd cried out rather demonstrates how he was only interested in his pleasure, and didn't give a fuck if he hurt you.

Lymphy · 18/11/2018 03:56

Are safe OP? You cannot consent if you are asleep. You declined anal sex he continued to try. It is not your fault. No way is it your fault.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 03:56

It's definitely not your fault.
It's definitely wrong,very wrong, very abusive and deviant, he went even further in trying to sodmise you also.
How long have you been living together? Do you have DC?
This is turning you into an object. He might not be overt about his feelings but to do this to you in your sleep. It is classic sexual domination.
I'm really sorry. You could not have misled him.
It's also very odd to have to tell someone you don't mind them waking you up for sex?
He shouldn't wake you up for sex, he shouldn't want to. He doesn't have to have sex every time he gets an urge, he's not an animal, or not supposed to be.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 03:58

How long has he lived with you, are they also his DC?

Montypontypine · 18/11/2018 03:58

Sorry, but that's rape. Even if you've said previously you don't mind being woken, that is not a blanket consent to sex whenever he feels like it.

Are you in England or Wales OP? Look at the sexual offences act 2003. Section 1 defines rape. Section 74 defines consent. If you are asleep you cannot consent as you did not have freedom or capacity to consent when he started to have sex with you.

He either has no regard to how you feel or has a highly warped idea of what consent means. You have done nothing wrong. Phone woman's aid or rape crisis. Look after yourself

LilMy33 · 18/11/2018 03:59

Yes you have been raped. I’m really sorry OP.

Women’s aid can and will help you with any practical advice including how to stay safe. Are your children also his children? I know it’s not easy to just boot him out the house but please don’t assume this is a one off. It’s not. He can and will do it again if he gets the chance.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 03:59

That comment was more for the morning times. I like morning sex so I said to him that I liked him rubbing my leg etc when I would be waking up anyway.

We’ve lived together 4 months. The children are mine.

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Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:00

I am sad for you that despite his trying to force anal sex onto you, you still didn't feel able to actually speak, only to cry out, and even then he continued to try!

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:02

I never saw it coming. I never imagined it was possible. I’m really not exaggerating when I say he has been perfect. Even my mother has commented on how wonderful he is. There hasn’t been even a sniff of anything but genuine love and sincerity.

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LilMy33 · 18/11/2018 04:04

It’s perfectly normal to freeze in the situation and say nothing at all. Sometimes you just can’t. It’s definitely normal to cry out when someone attempts to anally rape you.

Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:05

It's a very short time, and now you are learning who he is.
I am seriously worried for you. All this charm, the opening doors and just wonderful, couldn't be nicer, underneath that charm is this.
He's really not the charm that you have been led to believe. He could be a very nasty character indeed and a danger to you.
Do call rape crisis and tell them your situation.
You only have to listen to your own feelings of cold and confusion at what he's done. Listen to yourself and how he's made you feel.

justilou1 · 18/11/2018 04:05

Is it possible that he may have given you some kind of drug before you went to sleep? Do you think that this has happened before? I'm worried about you. Have you woken up before with an unexplained sore bottom (if you don't normally go for anal sex.)?

AllyMcBeagle · 18/11/2018 04:05

First and foremost make sure you are safe. It might be sensible to make excuses to get out of the house with the children first thing and then consider whether you want to involve the police once you are at a safe distance.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:05

Thing I remember most is him lifting my thigh a fraction to allow better access. Then positioning himself against me. I remember thinking how deliberate it was, all the time my mind was shouting ‘stop, you know what you’re doing.’ but the words wouldn’t come. I just thought it was a misunderstanding. He wouldn’t do that. So why did he?

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Shriek · 18/11/2018 04:08

There was nothing wrong with your reaction at all, and you have done nothing wrong, he has. Your reaction was completely normal. To freeze, to feel shocked, to be confused, and frozen and silent. This is all your normal reaction to very abnormal behaviour.

Puddingmama2017 · 18/11/2018 04:08

I’m confident that this is the first time. I’be never felt foggy or felt anything unusual physically when I shouldn’t.

I always thought I could trust the nice ones.

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