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AIBU?

To worry he will enter my room without permission

104 replies

Flappypants · 16/11/2018 19:56

...so how (What) do I rig something up to prove it he has opened the door?

Background is EA, narc STBXH (the 130mph speeding one some people may remember from last summer). We ended up in a refuge and he moved out in early July. The divorce is HORRIFIC. And unbelievably expensive. He's practically stalking me now and has asked if he can collect some things from the house tomorrow. I agreed.

I know he will slither about and snoop and pry and I want to make it crystal clear that he is under no circs allowed in my room. How can I prove if he's done it despite my request and without him saying I've staged a photo proving that for example a small piece of paper has fallen out from where I've put it?

He has this ability to still get me in a tizz although I'm happier, more confident and more together than I've been in ten years. I have stood up to him, made him accountable and he hates it that I have not rolled over and done what he wants...he warned me he would make this bitter and he is as good as his word.

I've even reconnected with an old flame (happens to be the love of my life) and have high hopes for the future, whether alone (single) or involved with A.N. Other.

Help appreciated.

OP posts:
DonaldDucksTowel · 16/11/2018 19:58

Have his things ready st the front door to hand over
No need to let him in

ohfourfoxache · 16/11/2018 19:59

Don’t take the chance - can you leave him at the door, and/or have someone else with you?

Cheesestrings123 · 16/11/2018 20:00

If you will be there while he is there (I assume you would be), why can’t you just stay near him as he gathers his stuff?

CanuckBC · 16/11/2018 20:01

Why does he need to come in? Have a third neutral party there. Video the process. Video doesn’t usually lie.

Don’t let him there alone!!!

TightPants · 16/11/2018 20:03

I wouldn’t allow him in the house alone OP. Maybe I’m paranoid but if he’s that type then he could do anything potentially - bug your home or set up spy cameras.

gotmybigbootson · 16/11/2018 20:04

I remember you op. Glad you've found a lovely man!!!

Echo others, don't let him in.

bookmum08 · 16/11/2018 20:04

Do you know someone who could be classed as neutral who basically accompanies him and make sure sure he doesn't do anything he shouldn't.

maddening · 16/11/2018 20:04

Get a padlock

MrsStrowman · 16/11/2018 20:05

I understand why you wouldn't want to be there, is there anyone else who can be there to let him in watch him while he collects his things and then makes sure he leaves. I agree with PP how well you know he hasn't bugged you etc?

SendintheArdwolves · 16/11/2018 20:06

Either (or preferably both)

Fit a lock to your door

Have someone with you when he comes round and have his items boxed up and ready to go. Hand them over at the door.

HoleyCoMoley · 16/11/2018 20:07

Is there someone else who can come to sit with you when he's there, don't let him upstairs on his own and stand outside the bedroom door. If he kicks off film it.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2018 20:07

Do NOT let him in! Gather anything and everything that's his and hand it off at the door. Make sure to have someone there with you. Letting him into your home is madness and completely unnecessary.

MayFayner · 16/11/2018 20:08

Stay in the house and get as many other people as possible to be there with you.

gamerchick · 16/11/2018 20:08

Pack up every single item that belongs to him, Have it waiting by the front door and when he comes, hand it to him and say goodbye.

Or better still, have your bloke hand it to him so you don't have to speak to him. Jobs a good in.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/11/2018 20:09

How can I prove if he's done it despite my request

Prove it to who and to what end?

It;s more important to stop him going into your room than it is to have yet another piece of evidence that he is an unpleasant shit who doesn't respect you, surely?

It sounds like you are still enmeshed in trying to "make" him acknowledge his behavior - you think if you could prove he had gone in your room, then you would be "right" and he wouldn't be able to deny it. But he would deny it, and it doesn't matter anyway - you could have a million "proofs" and he still wouldn't admit he was in the wrong.

WithAFaeryHandInHand · 16/11/2018 20:12

Stay in the house and get as many other people as possible to be there with you.

This^^.

I didn’t read your other threads, but I’m glad you’re rid of him Flowers.

Chickychoccyegg · 16/11/2018 20:15

do not let him in the house, especially not alone, be there with at least one other person, hand over all his belongings on the door step!!
good luck x

mylightbulbmoment · 16/11/2018 20:20

Ask the police to attend? www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q627.htm

happypoobum · 16/11/2018 20:26

I don't understand - why is he coming in?

Wouldn't it be easier to get the stuff sent to him? Depending on size, parcel/taxi/manwithavan?

Have you not changed the locks? Does he have a key?

Missingstreetlife · 16/11/2018 20:29

Don't agree to this again. Don't let him in. Put the stuff outside (garage if you have one?) Do you even want to see him? Can't his stuff be delivered to him or third party?
Agree with others, you are still attached, what he thinks is irrelevant, protect you and dc.
Don't get involved with someone else straight away, sort yourself out first, rely on friends or family, make some if you don't have any. Survive for a year, it will do you good to know you can. Best wishes.

supersop60 · 16/11/2018 20:30

" I've changed my mind, You can't come in. I will leave your things in a bag by the gate/path/road"

mineofuselessinformation · 16/11/2018 20:32

Tell him in advance to send you a list or give you one when he arrives.
Have boxes / suitcases (that he owns) ready so you can put his stuff into them - make sure you don't just dump them in, take care so he can't complain.
Hand them out of the door to him as soon as they are ready and tell him what is in them.
When you think you are done, ask him if there's anything else. (If you ask and he doesn't say, that's the end of that.) if he wants more and it's reasonable let him have it - you want him off your back with no reason to contact you again about it.
Make sure you have someone with you, but I suggest not having your new boyfriend there as it will give XP an excuse to kick off if he's going to.
Lock him out and call the police if there is any trouble at all.

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HoleyCoMoley · 16/11/2018 20:35

Does he have to come into the house to get his stuff, could you pack it up like others have said. Is there any restraining order on him, is it your house and is he allowed access.

AnoukSpirit · 16/11/2018 20:36

Do not let him in the house at all.

I get that he's trained you into viewing yourself as unreasonable for having boundaries and for being affected by his abusive behaviour, but the very idea of this and your acquiescence to it is disturbing.

Somebody who's abusive and stalking you should not be allowed anywhere in your home. It's a recipe for disaster. The issue isn't keeping him out of your bedroom, it's keeping him from stepping anywhere inside the property.

He only wants to go inside because getting you to back down and give in to him makes him feel powerful and in control of you. Don't give him that, because he'll keep pushing for more.

TwoFirTreesToday · 16/11/2018 20:39

Have someone sit quietly in the room. When he opens the door they can say 'no'...

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