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AIBU?

DP going on boys trip

88 replies

lookingforasolution101 · 16/11/2018 15:51

I'm expecting to be told IU but I really don't think I am.

DP came home the other night, there had been no issues before hand, as soon as he walks through the door he says 'we are going to fall out. I have been asked by A to go with A and B on holiday to X and I'm going'.

I took my DP to X last year for his birthday so he doesn't even want to go there, he is going to ask the friends to change the destination. But the way the message was written by A is 'Me and B are going to X, want to join?' it would be for a friday-sunday (around work) in January.

So it's annoyed me for a few reasons:

  1. his approach was rude and very selfish.
  2. we have a small puppy together, there seems to be the expectation that I will then just look after her that weekend, there was no 'do you mind because you will look after her and i'll do one weekend when you want to go away'
  3. it felt like a kick in the teeth because i've spent ages and thousands of pounds booking this special birthday surprise abroad for his birthday over Christmas period. I take him every year but it's his 30th so more of the costs fall on me as he said he will not contribute this year since he is 30. I tried to get his friends to come along (all have the money to do so) and they said no, as it's Christmas time I understood so then arranged a surprise birthday party for the week after we get back ( a week before he'd be going to X) his friends seem non-committed and it has really called into question how much these friends care about him.
  4. we are putting our house on the market and both work full time so viewings can only ever be at the weekend - this means we either write that weekend off (which I think is silly) or I take sole responsibility of ensuring the house is presentable for that time.
  5. X is one of the most expensive cities in the world, think half pint of beer £12, it prevented us doing much when we went there last year. I am already contributing more to the next house's deposit as I have more money saved.

    For any relevance I'm 24 and have only been in work 2 years but in a very good career. I earn minimally more than him, I am always better with money and all responsibility with arranging things is on my shoulders and I just feel taken advantage of in this situation.

    Sorry it's so long, but what do you think should happen, what kind of negotiations?

    If he'd asked nicely, my first port of call would have been whether or not these friends would either want to go anywhere other than X because if not, it would be pointless as he wouldn't want to go.
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Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 15:53

I think this has brought up some financial issues that you have with him and how money works rather than the weekend (where I dont actually think he is being unreasonable)

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CrookedMe · 16/11/2018 15:54

Agree the weekend away is a bit of a red herring. Your real problem is with the uneven savings, etc.

You need to get on the same page financially.

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MrsTerryPratcett · 16/11/2018 15:56

It's not about the weekend.

You need to decide if you want a long term future with someone who isn't on the same page as you. Puppies and cleaning are irrelevant.

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RCohle · 16/11/2018 15:57

I don't think him wanting to go away with his mates for the weekend is unreasonable. If he wants to go it's not really up to you to be bitchy about the location or his relationship with his own friends - that's his concern.

I think however he should have recognised the extra work this creates for you with the puppy and the house and have been apologetic/ asked if you minded.

As for the cost, I think if you are concerned with his spending habits or feel that his is failing to prioritise the house purchase then that needs to be part of a broader discussion you have with him.

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lookingforasolution101 · 16/11/2018 15:57

sorry if I made it seem about finances, whilst that is somewhat of an issue, if this trip was free points 1-4 would still stand and I'd still feel the way I do.

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Bombardier25966 · 16/11/2018 15:57

There's an issue about finances between the two of you.

You're being petty about the weekend in itself. You're more than capable of looking after the dog and showing any viewers around.

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 16/11/2018 15:58

The only part of this story I have a problem with is the way he approached the subject with you- as if he already knew you’d have an issue and was coming at you defensively. Would get my back up. However all the other issues you’ve picked at seem like a cover for the fact you just don’t want him to go on a boys trip.
If you feel he’s not contributing to the house enough then say so as a separate problem. As for looking after the puppy, you do know people leave their partners with their children to go on breaks with friends?! This is a dog! Do you ever want to go away and he says no because of the dog?

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Oly5 · 16/11/2018 15:58

You are being ridiculous. Of course he should be able to go away for the weekend, just as you should be able to too.
Do you have friends to go away with?
You sound a bit clingy tbh

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Dragongirl10 · 16/11/2018 15:58

Unless there are more issues than this, l really don't see the problem with a weekend away with his friends.

Yes his approach was inflamatory, but maybe because he knows your likely reaction.....

If you are going to stay the course as a couple you need to sometimes do your own thing, as long as it works both ways...

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MrsGB2225 · 16/11/2018 15:59

Why did he think it would be such a big issue to say you would fall out over it?

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Quartz2208 · 16/11/2018 15:59

Does he pay for trips away for you

And I hope you have clearly marked out in the house pruchase who is putting i nwhat

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Shoxfordian · 16/11/2018 16:01

I don't really see the issue with him going for a weekend away

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EdithBouvier · 16/11/2018 16:01

OP I think you're right how fucking rude to just say "I'm going here" and that's that when you clearly have a lot going on? And I imagine you feel like he is happy to just drop you for his friends who actually don't seem to give much of a shit about it based on the birthday thing. He sounds like a bit of a man child that needs having a chat with especially around money and commitment.

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CrookedMe · 16/11/2018 16:04

Well if it's not about your finances your points about the weekend itself are ridiculous.

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MrsStrowman · 16/11/2018 16:06

The finances is the only reasonable bit, in that you are saving more for joint purpose than he is. The rest of it is pretty controlling, I'm sure you'll be ok with your puppy for a couple of days, he doesn't have to ask your permission to spend a weekend with friends. I went away with friends for a couple of days earlier this year, is been out for the evening and when I get home I said 'oohb guess where I'm going with X and Y next month?' told him of our plans he said that sounds like fun, I might try and arrange a boys outing for the same weekend, we were both happy. We can afford it though.
I don't see how you thought his friends would be able to go away at Christmas, they probably have other commitments.

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Mummyshark2018 · 16/11/2018 16:08

I think you're being ridiculous. You're both young and should be able to go away with friends. If you can't manage a puppy on your own for a few days then perhaps you should not have got one. For context I have a dog and dc and DH been away for 2 weeks with Work, you just get on with it and as you say you might want a weekend away somewhere. Sounds like there's more back story here.
P.s I agree that how he approached it could have been better but if he's said 'can I go away' or 'do you mind' you sound like the sort of person who would've made a song and dance about it

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MrsStrowman · 16/11/2018 16:08

Oh and this trip has no bearing on the one you've booked and I'm sure you can show viewers around your house, or day to the agent we can't do that weekend as we're busy. YABU

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parchworkpatty · 16/11/2018 16:08

Please tell me that as a adult human with enough brain power to earn sufficient income to buy a house - that you also have sufficient brain power to cope showing viewers around your home without your partner assisting you ??? Same for the puppy ! Really , you sound dreadfully clingy.

Wish him a good weekend. Book yourself one if you fancy it and leave him with the dog.

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lookingforasolution101 · 16/11/2018 16:10

@edith you've hit the nail on the head.

If he had come in and said 'Do you think this could work, i'd really like to go?' then I'd have discussed reasons I think the timing is bad but understood.

He has been away before with these same people and he's in prime stag do time so goes on plenty of those. Nothing to do with clinginess. I think he knew it would strike a chord because of the timing.

With the puppy thing I need to explain more. If I am alone, I am not able to have people round to view as my estate agent has asked the dog is not there as this puts people off and it's a small space. Also, we just got her, we don't have a garden so all toilet training, walks etc. remains with me which I already do a lot of as I can work from home some days - it means I cannot do anything that weekend. I can't go out (no one lives local to me and the puppy can't travel far and I don't have a car (think London commuter town)).

The puppy was a huge commitment especially when I work 50-60 hour weeks and he works considerably less. We made an agreement that things would be less selfish and all decisions would be made together. The puppy will already need to go into kennels for the time we go for his birthday and then on the birthday party. It's just not fair how he is approaching it.

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DameFanny · 16/11/2018 16:10

Can you cancel the holiday you've booked and use the money for something else?

Also, he told you you were paying more because it's his birthday? Does he often tell you what to spend on him?

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TokyoSushi · 16/11/2018 16:11

The puppy & house viewings are complete non issues, how would you manage with a child?

The issue as I see it is a) the way that he asked/told you and b) he's not contributing to the Christmas trip but can find money for this.

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DameFanny · 16/11/2018 16:11

He does sound very selfish

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OakElmAsh · 16/11/2018 16:13

All seems a bit of an over-reaction really - yeah he approached it awkwardly, but in general, taking 1 weekend away - even with a puppy and a house to sell - isn't unreasonable.
I don't really understand the thing with the friends go - if he wants to go with them, why does it matter what they did or didn't agree to previousl, surely that's his decision ?

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confessionsofatrolleydolley · 16/11/2018 16:13

"he said he will not contribute this year since he is 30".

Has anyone else picked up on this?! I'd be very reluctant to spend thousands of pounds on someone who dared say this to me...

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TokyoSushi · 16/11/2018 16:13

Ok just re-read about the puppy, not a non issue but perhaps you weren't actually in the best position to get one.

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