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AIBU?

To cut off this life long friend

24 replies

linda30 · 16/11/2018 09:57

I have a male friend who I am really fond of. He is a great listener and really funny, I often give him a call after work for some comic relief as we chat about the "drama" of our respective workplaces but equally we can have quite intellectually stimulating debates. We are both quite geeky, have been friends since 15 school (20+ years now.) He lives abroad so our friendship is mainly online.

However there are a few "buts." There is an understanding between us that he has a small of a crush on me. He openly jokes about stalking me on social media and there have been other occurences that were obvious signals. I think if I asked him outright he would agree and turn it into a joke. We had converations about this in the past (10y ago) and I told him while I really valued him as a friend I did not share the crush. He seemed not too bothered and okay to just carry on as friends.

My mum has been telling me for ages to stop being friends with him as it is just weird since I now have a husband and in her opinion, I am leading him on.

My reasonig was - I was honest with him and if he decided to keep the friendship it must mean his feelings were not that strong & so he can deal with it.

However recently I have been reconsidering my mom's words...I am especially bothered that even early on in the relationship he had a tendency to downplay and challenge my accomplishments. He later addmitted he was jealous. However most times he is 100% supportive and perhaps even excessive in his praise (to the point where I wonder if he is taking the mickey.)

Now I started a distance learing masters degree course and he is having little digs at me such as "how is the elearning going?" or calling the scholarship I got "a discount", he also believes I will get good marks for "just starting a task" and that my responsibilties as a scholarship holder will come down to "being put into a uni mascot outfit and giving out leaflets." When I said it is difficult to reconcille work, family and studies he said "well you have days working from home so you can study." As if my job is so slow I can literally do nothing when I work from home. When I confronted him over this he started off saying "oi where is this comming from" implying I was unreasonable.

On top of that I had an opportunity to see him in person not long ago and decided against it, since last time we met (not long ahead of my wedding) he was all moody and said the convo was not flowing (he did not particularly try even though I did), then he dashed off because his mates called him. I just found the whole experience unpleasant.

If he is jealous I don't understand it as he has got a Masters in engineering that he obtained by being a full time student at a brick uni. He has got his own house and a decent salary.

I am asking for your insights as I often have very high expectations of people in my close circle in terms of behaviour. I don't know if I should just let these things go as they are a normal part of a friendship or would be beneficial to both of us if I cut this off.

OP posts:
drinkygin · 16/11/2018 10:02

It’s sounds like a very strange friendship in every respect to be honest. I would let contact fizzle out, it doesn’t sound like either of you gain much from this relationship.

Alfie190 · 16/11/2018 10:07

Nothing you have said strikes me a reason to cut somebody off. However, I also believe that you can just outgrow friends, so maybe dial it down. Please don't ghost though, I am somebody that this has happened to and it is very traumatic.

pinkdelight · 16/11/2018 10:09

I think your mum is right to the extent that you're married, haven't seen him since the wedding and don't want to, and he is being shitty with you. You're not leading him on but he can't handle you being happy with someone else so the friendship isn't working. Back out of it and let it die a death. It's had its time.

NonaGrey · 16/11/2018 10:11

So he fancies you and is regularly unpleasant and belittling?

Who has time for that?

pinkdelight · 16/11/2018 10:11

I wouldn't call letting it fizzle out ghosting in this instance - the last time they met he pointed out it wasn't working and they've had words since. Clearly the marriage is the nail in the coffin and a good watershed for you both to move on. Besides, you sound pretty busy. Too busy to be niggled at.

linda30 · 16/11/2018 10:12

@drinkygin Thank you. I agree, it is quite bizarre. I think the main thing I have been getting out of it is the ability to chat about daily things and having a bit of a laugh. My friend is very witty and funny and can really lift my spirits after a tough day. My husband is a more measured, quiet type and he gets really worried and protective of me whenever I am facing any difficulties wheras my friend just helps me laugh it all off. As to what he is getting out of it, I am really not too sure.

OP posts:
linda30 · 16/11/2018 10:25

@pinkdelight You are very right. I think I am getting particularly annoyed at him as I often take big chunks out of my schedule to just chat with him & then find myself falling behind. Granted it is usually a pleasant activity and a relief for me - but if he is just going to have digs at me it is really not the best use of my time.

OP posts:
linda30 · 16/11/2018 10:27

Thank you for your replies I really appreciate everyone's input and that you conveyed it so kindly.

OP posts:
drinkygin · 16/11/2018 10:34

Do you have any other friends who similarly lift your mood, OP, who aren’t unkind and belittling to you? Because you don’t deserve that Flowers
I don’t think letting something fizzle out is ghosting. Sometimes relationships just run their course and contact tails off gradually.

SandAndSea · 16/11/2018 10:36

The comments about your course sound like they could be quite amusing and could be meant well (though it's always hard to tell out of context). I'm not sure I'd be happy if I was your husband though, given you know he's attracted to you. I might ease out a little by reducing contact. See how it goes.

EK36 · 16/11/2018 10:41

Doesn't sound like a nice friendship. He's probably resentful now you're married. He probably knows that there I no chance with you now. Think you may have been leading him on all these years and now he has had enough. I would stop ringing him and focus in your work/family and course.

UpstartCrow · 16/11/2018 10:41

''early on in the relationship he had a tendency to downplay and challenge my accomplishments. He later admitted he was jealous. However most times he is 100% supportive and perhaps even excessive in his praise (to the point where I wonder if he is taking the mickey.)''

When you challenge him about his behaviour, he doesn't stop and think 'I shouldn't feel that way, its wrong'. He thinks he should hide it better. Thats why he's still doing it.
He still has a crush on you. He isn't waiting to sweep you off your feet, he is waiting til you need him.

Tell him you need some space to focus on your studies so wont be talking to him every day, and take it from there.

marns · 16/11/2018 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EdisonLightBulb · 16/11/2018 10:46

He lives abroad so you are fairly safe, I would slowly reduce contact until it just becomes a once a year Christmas card with a few lines in it.

You are not in each other's lives enough to justify this amount of contact, and it isn't positive either.

Piffle11 · 16/11/2018 10:52

It all sounds rather passive-aggressive on his part. I think he's pissed off/jealous that your life is moving ahead very nicely without him. The little digs about your study sound quite mean - I don't think a genuine friend would repeatedly make such remarks. Do you always call him? I think I would be stopping this - do you have another friend you can have a laugh about your day with? Or DH?

smithsinarazz · 16/11/2018 10:53

Your mum is wrong to say you shouldn't be friends with him because he's got a crush on you. That seems a little - well - misogynistic - making out that you have to miss out on his friendship because of the way he feels.
Everyone saying he is being shitty with you is right; he is being a bit of a sarky knob-end.
@Alfie190 is right to say it would be very hurtful to "ghost" him.
I think if he's pissing you off so much you want to go online and tell a lot of strangers about it then you probably ought to tell him so. Good luck xx

linda30 · 16/11/2018 10:58

@smithsinarazz Well I told him immediatelly after he made all the snarky comments in a quick succession - only to have him act like I was all unreasonable. For this reason I gave up on the honest conversation.

OP posts:
linda30 · 16/11/2018 11:01

The comments were quite amusing initially when sparse and in good measure. Then a few days ago it all hit the fan when I said I would not be able to play a game he suggested sooner than in 3 years due to the load of my course, which I find heavy. I was feeling anxious over the amount of stuff I still have to cover & worried of falling behind.

OP posts:
l12ngo · 16/11/2018 12:54

I don't think there's a problem with having a crush on someone but when not being reciprocated then both being quite content with friendship. However, having friends don't behave like you're describing, they should be supportive and a positive force in your life. This seems an ugly relationship and if he's acting out of jealousy when you're happily married to someone else I'd suggest he has issues he needs to resolve and would likely steer clear.

I do think your mum is wrong though, this is not about you leading him on. This is about his inability to process his own feelings, not being satisfied with a healthy friendship and him having jealousy issues.

Shednik · 16/11/2018 14:11

I don't think your mum is wrong... I think that if one person has feelings for another, then a friendship won't work. I think it's stringing someone along when you can't reciprocate their feelings.

However, he sounds like a bit of a nob.

CSIblonde · 16/11/2018 14:17

He's not supportive and feels threatened you are also getting a similar level qualification to him. So it's not an equal, mutually supportive friendship & he likes to feel he's the more 'superior' one in his relationships. Just lessen contact. He's in a different country so not too hard.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2018 14:32

I would let this friendship go, you have grown apart, and he keeps belittling your achievements. What friend does that!

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RosieStarr · 16/11/2018 14:36

It does sound weird, there’s no reason to belittle a friend’s accomplishments. I’d either call him out in it or just let it dwindle - he might try and persist, but just try and let it go. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much from this.

festivellama · 16/11/2018 14:37

You need to knock this one on the head IMO

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