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The truth about having kids

152 replies

WheninWinsteria · 16/11/2018 04:07

I'm in my mid thirties - I am currently single and have no children.

I love spending time with my nieces and nephews and friend's children, but I have no desire to have my own. I have recently stopped seeing someone as he was desperate for a baby.

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids. Does anyone wish they had made different choices?

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?

OP posts:
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NightOwl101 · 16/11/2018 04:10

Sometimes it's hard. Really really hard when your tired or ill and so are they. When you have stress from work or other stuff and there going through a difficult stage like the terrible twos but then there's the opposite side every morning when she wakes
Up she's so happy to see me even now at primary school age and she often says or does something that makes me want to burst with pride

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IndigoHen · 16/11/2018 04:10

No there is nothing wrong with you.

I have a DS, love him to bits but it is v hard work. It's a constant worry and responsibility, and given my life circumstances (Aspie DP & chronic condition), honestly deep down I can't say given the choice I would do it again.

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Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2018 04:17

My children were a joy to raise. They are all adults now. As far as how you feel about other people's children, I have always felt the same. Of course I don't "hate" them, but I would never choose to spend considerable time with them as they get on my last nerve very quickly. How you feel about other children is absolutely no reflection of how much you adore your own.

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Placebogirl · 16/11/2018 04:17

The only reason to ever have kids is because you want them. Not wanting them doesn't make you wrong, it makes you you, and that is perfectly ok. Some people desperately want kids, some people absolutely don't want kids, and some people are in the middle. No position is wrong.

Honest opinion, sometimes I miss my pre-kids lifenever having to find a babysitter etcbut my kids are so excited to see me and watching them learn and grown into ever more themselves is the weirdest and most amazing thing I have ever done.

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PerditaMacleod · 16/11/2018 04:20

Nothing wrong with not wanting to have them. I think I could have gone either way but I knew my husband 100% wanted them and so I would definitely be having some if I married him.

It is so incredibly hard a lot of the time. The lack of time to yourself, putting someone else first all the time, the monotony, the constant mess. Definitely not for the selfish. I have to say that having had a child, I can totally see the appeal of not having any!

I do completely adore my DD though, she's amazing and I'm absolutely loving watching her develop. She's 2 and talking properly now and she's the cutest thing. It can't be that bad, as I'm 26 weeks with DC2 and I know that these hard, intense baby years are not forever.

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Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 16/11/2018 04:22

Your choice, your body, no one should judge you either way

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Matilda1981 · 16/11/2018 04:28

I have three children, two from a previous marriage and a baby with my new fiancé, they grow up to be such good fun but life does tend to revolve around them, weekends are spent doing activities that the kids will also enjoy rather than lazing in bed with a hangover!
They are hard work, really hard work but I wouldn’t change it for the world! As they grow up they do get easier in many ways, my 5 and 6 year old are at school and feel practically grown up now compared to the baby! Time goes so fast, it really doesn’t last forever!
But, children aren’t the be all and end all, I fully respect people that are happy to say that they don’t want children - you do have to be 100% committed to wanting to change your lifestyle as, no matter what people say, they massively change your lifestyle!
I’m lucky that I have a lot of friends who have children the same ages as me so we are all in it together - it would be strange if I was still going out every weekend and being hungover and not seeing them at the school gates etc - I suppose I would have different friends maybe? Who knows!

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MountainPeakGeek · 16/11/2018 04:30

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. The planet is already at breaking point from overpopulation. I don't regret having my two kids for a second, but I can't stand the expectation that all women should be maternal - utter bollocks!

And I said that I don't regret having my kids, and that's true, now, but that doesn't mean that I've never had moments of regretting it in the past. Sleep deprivation for 2+ years of each of their baby/toddler-hoods nearly killed me. They both had severe reflux and were incapable of sleeping for more than a 90 minute stretch for >2 years.

I survived it, and now they're the stereotypical "can't get them out of bed" teens, but I went through long periods of thinking that day would never come...

Parenting is awesome, but was not as easy/natural for me as many people seem determined to insist. And if it doesn't appeal to you, so what? No one else's business.

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Unicyclethief · 16/11/2018 04:36

Sometimes children are fabulous, sometimes they are complete tossers. I do not regret having them for a minute, but there is nothing wrong with not wanting children. Go with it though, don’t let people sway you. You know what you want.

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ILoveHumanity · 16/11/2018 04:36

Hardest thing I’ve ever done

Best thing I’ve ever done.

I never knew how much love I’m capable of until he popped out

And I never knew how much I’m able to manage for a little man I love

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luckybird07 · 16/11/2018 04:50

It has been the most meaningful thing I have ever done and no other experience comes close. However, I think if you don't want to have children then don't be persuaded by other people who are strangers to you. The world is overpopulated so I am grateful others are happy to not have kids and not feel they are missing out.

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MaggieAndHopey · 16/11/2018 05:01

You will get as many truths are there are responses! There's deffo nothing wrong with you for not wanting kids - I think that's a much better state of affairs than wanting them but being unable to have them, either through infertility or not meeting the right person.

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Snappedandfarted1 · 16/11/2018 05:07

I was never really sure if I wanted a child, but DH did so we had a baby. I can honestly say that it’s the best decision I ever made. Yes it’s hard work but I feel now as though my life has purpose, whereas previously I was in a series of crappy jobs and living for the weekend (and then I was too knackered from work to actually do anything anyway!). It’s hard raising a human, but it’s awesome having a little person with you that constantly learns new things.

Someone once said to me that if you don’t want to do something you shouldn’t do it, but if you’re on the fence you should always go for it because you’ll regret it if you don’t.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/11/2018 05:22

Like Snapped, I was never convinced I wanted a baby, but I knew if someone had told me I couldn't have one (physically) I would have been upset.
DH wanted children, so we tried for a baby because I was a fair bit older than him, so if I couldn't get pregnant, it felt unfair of me to stay with him.
But I did get pg, and right up until the night of my induction, I wasn't sure I'd done the right thing. Then he was born and everything changed - I wouldn't be without him.

Did it change my life? SO MUCH - not just because of having a baby and all the rest, but I ended up moving to Australia with Aussie DH. If I'd never managed to get pg, we probably wouldn't have stayed together, and I would probably still be in the UK, which would have had its own benefits - but I wouldn't be without my 2 DSs, so I don't think I would change my mind if I had the chance again, I'd still have them.

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Vivaldi1678 · 16/11/2018 05:22

I seem to remember that there have been several similar threads on here recently, sorry I can't link them, but a lot of people said that they did regret having children. Nobody said that they didn't love their child, quite the contrary, but many said that they would make a different decision if they had their time over again.

Having a baby is risky - you do not know how they will turn out, physical or mental disabilities, in particular there seems to be an epidemic of mental health problems among young people. You might want to look at the special needs boards, not to put you off, but to look at the pretty grim lives some parents lead. Even when all is well, parenthood is not for the faint hearted.

The responsibility is enormous and does not end when they are adults. In fact, the situation is more difficult when you see them making mistakes and you can't protect them as you did when they were little.

I would say that it is a life of extreme emotions and feelings. Mothers are programmed to love their children unconditionally and you will never feel such intense love, which also means that you are vulnerable to constant anxiety about them and potentially extreme pain. So there is joy and potential sorrow, often opposite sides of the same coin.

I have three adult children whom I love intensely, but many of my friends are child free by choice. I don't think that my life is more meaningful than theirs because I have procreated, nor have I really ever been very interested in other people's children.

HTH.

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swingofthings · 16/11/2018 05:54

OP, happiness is making the best of what you have, not wondering if it'd be better differently.

If you don't want kids and are enjoying your life, don't focus your mind on wondering if you're missing out. You are still young and one day you might feel that urge to become a mum and being so will make you happy however hard. Or you might never feel that urge and do many fulfilling things in life you might not have been able to do with children.

We spend too much time focusing on 'what ifs' rather than 'aren't I lucky to'.

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MumNeedsANap · 16/11/2018 06:09

I have two kids, 3 and 1, and I really wanted them, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, the sheer exhaustion and absolutely no down time, I don't regret it, they also bring me so much joy, I can't even tell you. However if I didn't want them, or was even on the fence I think I would have regretted it. Make the decision that's right for you

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hidinginthenightgarden · 16/11/2018 06:35

I have had a crisis this week. I am 29 with 2 kids, married, house, job. It is so relentless. I don't regret having my kids. They give me purpose, they are lots of fun. But they come with so much responsibility that I am struggling with. Today DD woke at 6 and repeatedly shouted me until I got out of bed. No time to come around or even wipe the sleep from my eyes. The constant amount of cleaning and tidying and the monotony of life is exhausting! Right now I wouldn't recommend having kids if you don't 1000% yearn for them.

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6onTheHappyFarm · 16/11/2018 06:40

Can the parents out there give me some honest truths about what it's like to have kids.
My experience is that it's amazing. I LOVE it. It is full on, especially when they are at the baby/toddler stage, but they do get easier.
They take up a lot of your time and a lot of your money. To put it into perspective for you the childless women in my work who does the same job and has the same income as me owns 6 houses (rents them out), buys luxury items and designer clothes and goes on plenty of holidays. We have similar household incomes, but a luxury holiday for her and her DP costs the same as a very basic holiday for the 5 of us.
Something always needs to be paid for. New uniforms, new winter clothes because they've outgrown last year's, Christmas presents, birthdays, after school clubs and activities, summer clothes, saving to afford annual holiday. We have a bigger house in an area with great schools, so our mortgage is higher.
Now obviously a lot of that information was financial, but I just wanted to illustrate how expensive kids can be. None of mine do ridiculously expensive hobbies or anything either, we are pretty sensible with money.
Thankfully I'm not a very materialistic person. I don't really care what I drive so long as it's practical, I'm not into designer things. I find it very easy to appreciate the things that we have, and I place a lot of value on my family. So I don't really feel like I'm missing out on a more luxurious lifestyle, it's a choice I made and I'm happy with it.

Time-wise PPs are right when they say it all revolves around the kids. Of course DH and I get out, probably for a meal together once a month and one or two weekend breaks away to a nice hotel a year. Other than that we are helping with homework, doing school runs, going to the park or swimming or for long walks and days out as a family. I know a LOT of parents with the attitude that they "can't wait until their child is X years old/an adult so they can get their life back", which I think is really sad. Unless you have huge amounts of money to hire in 24/7 childcare, or very close by and very keen to constantly help out family members, then I think you have to accept that life becomes mostly about the kids.
Personally I'm ok with this. I still make time do the things that are really important to me, and I've cut out everything that isn't.

Sometimes it really is bone-crushingly tiring. My DD didn't sleep, and when she was awake she was prone to huge meltdowns. She's outgrown that now, thankfully, but it pushed our MH and our marriage to the brink at the time.

Does anyone wish they had made different choices?
No.

I love seeing life through their eyes. The excitement they get from things, their enthusiasm, the love that you get given back. I am pregnant with #4, the plan is to wait until they're all up a bit and then go for fostering. I wasn't very into babies as a child, but I lost my dad when I was little, and my mum had a breakdown shortly after. I often wonder if my desire to have a lot of family around me comes from the lack of family growing up.

Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have them?
Absolutely not. I think it's very wise and shows a lot of self awareness to not feel pressured into motherhood. It's a lifelong commitment that consumes so much of you.

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Fatted · 16/11/2018 06:45

Only you can do what is right for you. There's no right or wrong way of feeling about having kids. Not everyone wants children. You shouldn't feel forced into having any because it's what someone else wants or because you feel like it's what you should be doing.

Why do you think you've asked this question? Are you having doubts? Do you want some thing to help you feel like you've made the right choice in life?

The truth about having kids is that it will change your life in ways that you could never possibly imagine, for good and bad. It will test you to your limits. But it will also show you how strong you are and how much more capable than you ever thought you were. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and the most challenging. But also the best thing I've ever done and the most rewarding and enjoyable.

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OliviaBenson · 16/11/2018 06:51

Not for me either but I feel the pressure too.

Someone said above you might regret not going for it, but it's a huge risk to take. Plenty of people regret having kids, it's just a big taboo to say.

I love my childfree life and I just wouldn't be able to give a child all of me. So I won't.

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corythatwas · 16/11/2018 06:55

The truth is that there is no one truth. Not about what it's like having kids, not about whether you should have kids. Everybody has their own unique life. Yes, having kids gives meaning to my life, but so does keeping tropical fish and reading medieval poetry, doesn't mean you have to do those things.

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Mrsbclinton · 16/11/2018 06:59

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to have kids.
Life with kids is great they bring so much love and fun with them.
However its utterly exhausting. Sometimes I just want a bit of time on my own, without noise arguing & constant demands.
I worry that Im bringing them up ok & they wont look back on their childhood and feel sad that I wasnt the happy bouncy mummy who did baking and arts n crafts with them without losing my patience at some point!
I have three by the way.

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Belleende · 16/11/2018 07:02

I am mother to two, and there was a fair bit of heartache to get here. I love them to death and wouldn't have it any other way. But I am tired all the time, student level skint, my career has suffered, my relationship feels like it is on hold/sliding into platonic at times, I rarely go out, we never go out together, I can never be spontaneous, I worry about the future, I worry about our impact on the planet.

And the really brutal truth is that whilst I love being a mum, it is challenging and rewarding in equal measures, I don't find it particularly fulfilling. I never know if I am doing a good job or a shit job. No one says well done or otherwise. There is no way of knowing what difference your parenting makes, no measure of success. I find that frustrating.

I think now more than ever it makes sense to choose to be child free.

But then there are the hot little faces, and the new stuff they learn everyday and their growing sense of humour and their imagination starting to flourish. It is an amazing thing to be part of.

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KC225 · 16/11/2018 07:03

I agree with the poster who said it's the hardest thing I've done and it's the best thing I've done. It's a cliché but there you go - and I had my twin a week before my 43rd birthday so I did exactly rush it..

If anything my opinions on having children have changed, it's made me question how people can walk out on children without a backward glance (my own Father included) and that has made me more pro choice - if you are not ready for the enormity of parenthood then don't do

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