Being bullied as a mature student

[ihateit]

Hi all,

This is going to sound ridiculous coming from a 30 year old woman but I'm being what I would class a bullied at university. I don't know what to do about it.

I'm a mature student on a course with 90% mature.

I have been doing it for some time because I have taken breaks to have and raise my 4 children.

I rejoined a new cohort this year after over a year out. I knew I would be the new girl but I thought that due to the nature of the degree and because the majority of people are mature it would be fine and easy to build relationships.


In the beginning loads of people were kind and I felt welcome. I put myself out there and it paid off.

Now though for some reason some of the women have been alienating me from the group. To make matters worse we are doing a class project with a shared grade.
Some of the issues are;
I tried talking about my kids and other stuff that the other people were talking about during break but no one would talk to me and at one point they actually got up and walked away.
I went to the coffee shop with a few of the girls and they told me they were going to the loo and to wait there, so I got us a table, I waited and waited and eventually watched them grab coffee and walk away. They got a table outside. They knew I was waiting. They could see me sat there.
One person in particular was rolling her eyes when I was asking for clarification on a topic and said in a very harsh tone that I should read the books, I had but I didn't get a point.
They created a group for a presentation and deleted all my work and would not take on board my input or suggestions and two girls did my part of the presentation and wouldn't allow me to contribute. They must have been having private chats or meetings and not inviting me as I could not keep up and they did and talked about things I had no clue we had agreed or discussed.
They eat lunch together in the canteen but I ask to join and it's always "sorry no room" or they pretend to not see me sat alone.

Reading that back I can see how petty and childish that all sounds and I'm a grown up woman and a professional so I just need to get on with it and not let it bother me but for some reason it does. I can handle most things and I'm pretty laid back but I feel fed up.
I don't feel able to go to my tutor being so petty at my age and plus I can just ignore it for the short time I have left.

I haven't told anyone irl about this, including my dh, it's not that bad but I do dread university now and I spend many hours a week there isolated and it's hard to ignore.

Never thought I'd be going through this after high school.
Aibu to let this get to me and to have a secret cry about this

[vampirethriller]

It's not petty at all, that's horrible. Are you sure you can't go to your tutor? You shouldn't have to ignore it.

[Namechanged123456]

That’s horrible, big hugs. Ynbu to get upset, I probably would too, its hard to not get upset. But honestly, fuck them. They don’t sound like people you’d want as friends anyway. Pretend it doesn’t bother you. Take your kindle/book in to read at lunch. Sorry, no useful advice, chin up x

[OnceUponATime000]

That sounds awful. Ynbu. Adults are just as capable of bullying as children and can be much worse sadly. I believe you need to talk to your tutor as their actions could impact on your grades due to their excluding you. Please also talk to someone irl about this too. Don't carry this on your own.

[Ladybirdbookworm]

That is awful. I really don't know what to say other than they sound dreadful people.
Leaving you out is cruel. Are you particularly good at the course and they find that intimidating or annoying ?

[SuperPug]

They sound awful- nothing to lose by reporting it to your tutor especially as it involves your work.

[Leah91]

No you're not BU. They sound horrible. It's never acceptable to exclude people especially in a small group. I'm sorry I can't offer much advice or comfort other than it won't be forever and then you can forget they even exist. You could try talking to your dh about it, sometimes it helps to just vent your feelings to someone. I did a post grad course and there were lots of cliquey people but luckily I made friends with a few really nice people and we could ignore them. I hope things get better for you

[EdithBouvier]

That's not petty at all that's pretty serious bullying OP. Hugs. Some people are just complete twats. Call them out on it everytime and definitely speak to your tutor as it could be impacting your overall work if you're being excluded from group projects. Come at it from that angle rather than bullying.

[MargotMoon]

What a bunch of arseholes. You really shouldn't have to go through this as an adult. I would agree that you should have a word with a tutor. Are there any other students in the cohort that you can chat to instead of that set of bitches?

[ProfessorMoody]

I'd definitely have a chat to your tutor, especially if they aren't letting you participate in work and have deleted your contribution. Don't let them get away with it!

[ThatOneHurt]

Wow, nasty.

What degree is it?

I would just avoid them. Go to uni, get the job done, go home.
That's how I've always been at uni. I've never been there to make friends. Same on the school run, I don't like small talk, I've got amazing friends I don't need more, turn up listen and leave. Job done.

[ContessaHallelujahSparklehorse]

Do speak to your tutor op, that is not right at all.

[Sethis]

Take evidence to your tutor i.e. the whatsapp messages of them ignoring your suggestions. Walk her through it. Clarify that you don't care that they're behaving like fucking twats, but you do care about your shared grade.

Might even be worth asking your tutor to arrange a meeting with one of them at a time, sequentially, with you there, and ask them to explain. I.e. the tutor sees person A at 10.00 and person B at 10.30, you sit in at both meetings and you ask why you were not allowed to participate in the presentation and your work was deleted. It has to be sequential otherwise they'll just tell each other what answers they gave.

Alternatively, just do your best, ignore the morons, and focus on your friendships outside of your class e.g. at clubs or hobbies or whatever.

Never feel ashamed to cry though. Crying is a natural and healthy thing to do.

[OnceUponATime000]

As possible said is there the possibility to work with another group. If so, I'm sure your tutor could help facilitate this.

[MonsterTequila]

Op anyone would get upset at that, it’s not petty, it’s awful. You say you’ve only got a short time left? How short?

[OnceUponATime000]

Pp not possible

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Its horrible

And - you are there to study . Treat it like
Work and just do what’s necessary and be a
Colleague , and not a friend

I’d be interested to see how they treat if you withdraw with dignity

Don’t let them stop your learning . They are not inportant and are hopefully temporary

[Whatsforu]

Horrible situation. They sound childish and very unprofessional. Is there another group you can join for the joint work? Don't worry karma usually finds them in the end. Do not let them get to you and ruin your final grade.

[EduCated]

Definitely speak to your tutor about the work elements. It won’t be the first time they’ve had to deal with group work gone wrong.

[Magenta46]

Remind yourself that it is not about you. Its about their own insecurities. You are a young mum of 4 children ,and still you are able to study for a degree. That makes you a target for bulling, because in their eyes you are Superwoman , and they are just plain jealous. Keep your chin up girl, you are bloody amazing.

[Allthewaves]

You need a another group. Is the whole class like this or a particular element?

Are you keeping up with the work? Is your knowledge and prep up to standard?

[damekindness]

I'm an HE lecturer and believe me we do observe this sort of behaviour even from the front of the class. It always amazes me that adults, grown adults can behave in this way to their peers. My advice would be to go to your personal tutor or a lecturer you feel comfortable with or student support and at least talk about this with them. They won't be able to wave a magic wand but will be able to suggest strategies and sometimes just talking out loud about the issue to a sympathetic ear can give you some extra strength and resolve. I hope it improves for you - education should be a pleasure not painful !

[FatChloe]

I was bullied at uni too, it was awful. I only started to get answers for their behaviour when I snapped at one of them and asked what I'd done, what was going on, why I was being treated like this etc.

The main bully had bullshit reasons for it but at least I knew what they were. And then I could ask why she hadn't asked for xyz from me to help the situation.

It was all too late by then but I least I could show her that it could have been addressed had she had the balls.

It doesn't sound petty at all and I really hope you're ok, bullying can put you in a very bad place mentally.

[FatChloe]

I do think you should make the university aware though. You won't sound petty if you explain it the way you've explained it to us - that you think it's very petty and don't understand it, and also probably don't really care, but you want and need the grade.

God this brings back awful memories. Hope you're ok.

[AddictedToSkittles]

You're not doing nursing by any chance are you, OP? I've heard quite a few stories from friends and acquaintances about nursing students being very bitchy.

[ihateit]

Thank you for your replies and support. I don't feel so silly now.

To answer a few questions, I would rather not say what degree it is as I feel it would be too outing. I do keep up with the work and do my best and I have previously had good grades so I can't see that being the issue.
I had good friends in my last group and I have good friends outside university.

It's too late to switch groups now so I'm going to just roll with it until the end of this project and like people have suggested do the work and go.

I only have 7 months until graduation so it's doable