Am I or is DH?

[TootingBoots]

We are in a financially shit position. I didn’t get paid in September and he is out of work at the moment with poor mental health. We have 2DC.

We are £1000 into a £1500 overdraft and I’m scared we are going to go over that limit. He has about £700 in savings as he wants to buy something related to his hobby. It has taken him a long time to save this money.

My argument is if we use the £700 to pay off most of the overdraft it would help me sleep at night and stop some of the daily charges. We could then pay him back when we can afford it. I know it sucks to see the money you’ve saved go up in smoke but family finances come before personal.

His argument- he will pay it if we do go to the limit of the planned overdraft. Before then he doesn’t need to. He’s saved for a long time and I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved so can’t contribute to paying this debt off. It wouldn’t be fair to now ask him to do so.

Who’s right? We just keep going in circles with this and I can’t help but find his attitude incredibly selfish.

[KateGrey]

I think family needs to come before hobby to be honest.

[Blanchedupetitpois]

Can you compromise? Some of his savings go to the overdraft, the rest is kept back for his hobby (unless absolutely required?)

[SpottingTheZebras]

I think family comes before hobby but I agree with him that you still have money left in the overdraft first. Since he has effectively agreed to use his savings, albeit once the overdraft has been used up, you can sleep at night knowing you do have it as a back up.

Could you look for an interest free credit card?

Also, if your employer should have paid you and hasn’t, you need to be taking it further with them and getting them to compensate you for charges accrued.

[Aquamarine1029]

Bollocks to his hobby. Family financial issues come first. Any mature, reasonable adult would agree. What a twat.

[Whatcanisayexceptyourewelcome]

When will you next get some income? I think you need to write down a budget of your expected costs until then, including any charges for being in your overdraft. See if you're ikely to exceed the £500 of your overdraft. Write down clearly the different costs of your different ideas. State the costs out loud. That might help concentrate his mind.

[jay55]

In a normal month surely you contribute more than £700?
You're not going to get out of the mess while you're incurring daily charges. He is being short sighted.

[BumbleBeee69]

for HIS HOBBY

[Dottierichardson]

YANBU there's no point having savings and debts at the same time, unless the amount the savings are earning is far in excess of the interest you will end up paying on the debt. It's not much good putting money towards a hobby if you can't afford mortgage/rent, food and bills.

[Leeds2]

I would expect him to use it to pay the debt off. But, to be fair, I would also have expected you to do the same.

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

He is BU.

[Hezz]

In all honestly I would leave my DH if he was like this.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Very sorry for his poor mental health but if you aren’t working and money is tight, you don’t get the luxury of a hobby that costs anything

[OnceUponATimeInAmerica]

How much are you paying in overdraft charges? His savings will be earning nothing, while the debt continues to accumulate. Will you be being paid for September soon? Debts should always be cleared ahead of saving, unless the saving is earning more than the debt is losing.

[gamerchick]

He's being selfish. He either tips up or finds a job or buggers off. Men who don't have their priorities right boil my piss.

Why didn't you get paid though, is there anything you can do to chase it up?

[CaliHummers]

I’ve had a similar amount of money in my personal account I’ve just spent it rather than saved

Depends a bit on what you spent this on, why you weren't paid in September and whether you could have anticipated that. But otherwise I'd say essential bills need to be paid more than any hobby money. There's no way I'd spend 700 on a hobby if I were 1000 into an overdraft.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

For me part of it comes down to what did you spend your money? Was it for the family?

[puguin86]

If he doesn't want to use it to contribute he has to get a job !! YANBU is be pissed off

[TootingBoots]

Him being out of work has really stung us. We’ve used all our savings trying to rebalance things. We used to have a small amount of money each month each to spend how we wished- I was frivolous with mine (I thought I could afford to be) and he saved his. It’s not until now when all our savings have gone and we are actually in debt that I have asked to touch that money.

I called him selfish and he’s took himself off to bed. He has severe depression and says the hobby is the only thing that helps.

I don’t know if I’m being cruel or if it’s taken this to open my eyes to his selfishness.

[Alfie190]

I don't think it is reasonable to want to spend £700 on a hobby when unemployed and £1,000 into an overdraft.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I don't think it is reasonable to want to spend £700 on a hobby when unemployed and £1,000 into an overdraft.

^ This

However, I do feel a bit bad for him that you've spent yours on whatever you want.

[TootingBoots]

I feel bad for him too, which is why I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong. When were both working we transferred a small amount of money into personal accounts. This stopped when he left work because we couldn’t afford it. Truth is we can’t afford to live. I resent that as well. Which isn’t his fault. All those feelings are just getting mixed and I can’t tell what’s reasonable and what’s not anymore.

[Thebluedog]

Time to be a grown up and put his family before his hobby

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

If you can't afford to live he needs to spend that money on his family.

I get the depression I suffer from depression, my DM suffers from depression however right now that money is needed for your family.

Your money is gone, nothing can be done about that right now. Family comes first.

[TootingBoots]

And in the interests of complete honesty (this is anonymous after all) it’s my fault he’s not working. His job was making him so unwell he couldn’t function and I thought some time away from that environment would do him good. I thought we could function if I went full-time and he looked after the kids. But it was never a long term solution and now he’s reluctant to go back to work, even part-time, we are falling short of what we need by about £200 per month. I can see how much he struggles just living day to day never mind working but I need him to now. That on top of the £700 just makes me see him as selfish. Or is it the illness?

[WhyAmISoCold]

HIBU. Hobbys are a luxury. If you can't afford to live (which you can't as you are in debt), hobbys have to wait. If he isn't earning, he doesn't get to spend £700 on a hobby!