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AIBU?

Husband issue

70 replies

Chuggachuggatoottoot · 14/11/2018 14:02

Looking for answers I guess. I am a SAHM. Dh earns a high salary and as a result of his position works long hours and travels around the country.
I'm frustrated because just occasionally it would be nice if he was around a bit more/home earlier. When there's event's on at dc school he usually doesn't go because he sees it as well I'm there to go so he doesn't need to be and will watch a recording of it instead.
Obviously he can't attend all these events I appreciate that but he's just always busy.
I'm tearing my hair out with the dc after school sometimes and he's just not around. He'll be late home then out again early the next day. I've tried talking to him but it's pointless because he is just very focused on his career and earning the money. Not sure what I'm asking for really just need a rant.

OP posts:
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g00dmum · 14/11/2018 14:21

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Snappedandfarted1 · 14/11/2018 14:23

@g00dmum not helpful Hmm

I haven’t got a solution but I do sympathise. I bet you almost feel like a single parent if you have to cope with the children constantly on your own. I appreciate he works FT and earns the money, but he’s still a dad too and needs to participate a bit more in family life. Hugs.

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g00dmum · 14/11/2018 14:27

It depends whether you are willing to cut the amount of money he is earning, generally in a full time job you cant take a lot of time off xx

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PositiveVibez · 14/11/2018 14:29

What job was he doing before you decided to have children? Because if it's the same as he does now, it's not really fair to moan about it as it affords you the luxury of not working.

If he had a less demanding job when you both decides you would commit to having kids, then he is being a bit selfish.

I think he's being cruel not attending his children's events on the occasions that he is home. Must be hurtful for the children.

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TwistedStitch · 14/11/2018 14:35

I think that's part and parcel of having a single earner/ SAHP arrangement. I'm a SAHM and my partner works long, unsociable hours. It can be tough but we accept it because for us having me at home suits our family right now.

If you are unhappy with things then you need to address your family set up- is there a possibility of changing your arrangements or lifestyle to allow him to work less? If not then I think you will just have to accept that your family set up means he won't be around as much as you'd like.

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Snappedandfarted1 · 14/11/2018 14:35

So because he works FT in a demanding job this automatically excuses his dad duties? Ridiculous.

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Knittedfairies · 14/11/2018 14:38

Maybe you should point out to him that having a child is like having another job; it’s separate to his other career and he has to find time for it.

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hannah1992 · 14/11/2018 14:40

Well my DH works away alot. I'm currently a SAHM. Hes often away Monday to Friday. He s never got to see dd1s plays or anything like that. It's not always as simple as taking a day off here and there.

He does plenty with the kids and everything when he's home but he has to work.

I worked full time for a while too and sent my mum to various things to do with school because I couldn't always get the time off. It's shit but it's life sometimes

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TwistedStitch · 14/11/2018 14:42

It doesn't sound like he is sitting on the sofa ignoring his kids though, it sounds like he isn't there because he's working.

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Babdoc · 14/11/2018 14:45

I didn’t have the luxury of a husband, OP - I was a widowed single parent from when the kids were babies. I worked full time as a hospital doctor, and I was never able to go to my kids school sports days, assemblies, etc. Your kids are lucky that you’re always available to go. I doubt that any working parents, male or female, get to attend daytime events at school.
Maybe you could count your blessings?

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g00dmum · 14/11/2018 14:46

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OMGFFS · 14/11/2018 14:48

Poor op - people commenting about how you shouldn’t complain because of the “luxuary” of not working.

You need to sit him down when the child’s in bed and say that you require not need , him to be more of a parent.

Your life changes and so his needs to too.

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OMGFFS · 14/11/2018 14:49

Babdoc - not very helpful

I mean when your partner died how would you feel if people said “well count your blessings because it could be worse”

  • eyeroll-
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Believeitornot · 14/11/2018 14:50

I worked in a high stress job which required international travel at times and long hours.

I still made damn sure I was able to get to school events, I flexed hours when necessary and worked at home on occasion.

Being high paid and senior meant I could do these things more easily.

Your dh doesn’t bother because he doesn’t feel the need to.

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leiaskye · 14/11/2018 14:53

I understand where you are coming from, but how much control over his visits and work time does he have?

My husband works full time, alot of hours and earns a good salary. I work too, but only 28 hours a week. I finish at 3 each day so am free for most things.

He would love to attend school shows, etc, but the option is (mostly) not there. I have raised it several times, but know full well, he just can't do it., most of the time.

This evening however, he is all day at work, and then at an evening event and staying over. He is coming home at 4ish to attend parent's evening and then going straight back. It's around a 90 minute return journey for 10 minutes meeting with our youngest's teachers.

Could he attend one thing in a while?

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DerelictWreck · 14/11/2018 14:54

FFS the responses on here.

Women do not have to put up and shut up because:

  1. The husbands earn a lot
  2. Other people are single parents and it's hard.


Jesus Christ. His working and earning does not mean that he gets to check out of being a parent.

No-one would think it 'acceptable' for a woman who worked a FT stressful job to have no involvement in the home life, so stop creating double standards.
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yumsy · 14/11/2018 14:55

I empathise as I was in the same position, DSs are 14&15 now. DH has never been around for football/rugby matches etc etc. I have single patented both all the way through. But he now works from home and is around all the time and that drives me more insane. He still doesn't attend matches at weekends. He just isn't that sort of father and I find it sad but I have a great relationship with my boys, we have lovely holidays together when DH really does get involved.
Not all families are the same, but in my experience you need to make the best of your family time whether it's at wkends and holidays or more hands on.

The only other option is for you to work and fund some childcare instead if it makes you feel more equal and less put upon?? You being happy is most important and perhaps you resent having lost a career to raise the kids, you could look at changing what you do.

Good luck.

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Rachelover40 · 14/11/2018 14:55

Could be worse, op. You could be married to a lazy person or a deadbeat drinker, or he could have abandoned you.

I sympathise with you, though.

Would you like to get a job? Even a part time one. How old are your children?

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Nousernameforme · 14/11/2018 14:58

How are you generally op? You say you are tearing your hair out with the dc after school each day it sounds like you are not getting a break and could do with one.

Do you think perhaps getting a job would make a difference? To give you some adult interaction and something away from the home.

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northernruth · 14/11/2018 14:59

Seems like there's two issues - one is that you're a single parent a lot of the time (many SAHP are) and the other is that he doesn't seem to step up when he can?

To those posters saying "oh well that the nature of working full time", I've worked with a number of men who would readily admit to leaving home at 7 to "avoid the pre school chaos" etc etc.

Many of them would, however, make an effort to attend school events if they could.

So it's a bit of both from me - if you;re frustrated and bored with being at home, then maybe look into getting a part time job and some childcare. But working full time doesn't excuse him from all parenting responsibilities, and surely your kids would like to see dad at the odd concert or sports day?

Also could you ask that maybe one day a week he is home early or leaves a bit later to give you a hand? Worth a chat

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fernandoanddenise · 14/11/2018 15:00

I worked as a hostage negotiator 6-9pm then as a second job went down the mine with a baby strapped to my back while my husband played golf. You'd never hear me complain.

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OMGFFS · 14/11/2018 15:01

Lol love it ^^^

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g00dmum · 14/11/2018 15:01

Thats nothing

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WhirlyGigWhirlyGig · 14/11/2018 15:01

I think your husband needs to look at his priorities. Mine works a lot of hours, is sometimes away for days on end but he juggles his schedules so he is there for events. I don't work at all.

I'd sit and have a conversation with him.

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arethereanyleftatall · 14/11/2018 15:04

I'm, possibly, in the same situation as you, but I look on the bright side. I love the time off to myself in the day, I love the fact that i get to go to all the school events (and feel sorry for dh who doesn't).
But, if it's not working for you, what are your options? You could go back to work, and he sahp? Or, both go part time? There isn't many events at our school where both parents attend tbh, that'd be quite a luxury.
What's he like at weekends?

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