To feel so judged in my own home

[Chipbutty67]

I try not to post on AIBU about DH anymore, as I usually get a chorus of (justified) LTB but unfortunately that just isn’t possible for me right now.

I normally handle DH and his family well but I’m really struggling ATM as MIL and BIL2 are staying with us for 2 weeks. I need some mumsbet perspective/ a kick up the arse.

DH is the eldest of 3 brothers. BIL1 is married. DH’s family has an odd dynamic where they love to sit and gossip and moralise about others.

Over the years, SIL has brought it to my attention that I’m the focus of their judgement/ moralising. Unfortunately, she’s sworn me to secrecy so I can’t tell them I know that they all gossip about me. I’m a shy/ anxious person as it is and having them come stay with us now sends me into a complete tailspin but they are all very nice to my face, so impossible to call them out on it. I’m exhausted trying to keep up appearances on all fronts, and if I ever slip I catch them exchanging glances. I just feel like I’m being scrutinised and judged at every opportunity, and the more I try the more awkward I get

Some previous examples:

• I normally do 100% of the housework, as ‘expected’ of me. When I had DS2, I had an emergency Cs, and a bad post-op infection. I was too ill to get up and clean. Found out since, MIL had been speaking about how ‘filthy’ my house was after giving birth, I didn’t take the bins out, clean the bathroom enough etc.
  

• i ‘talk back’ too much and don’t appreciate my DH
  

• before D.C. i was a size 8, I’m now a 10. Apparently I often come up in ‘women who’ve let themselves go’ discussions
  

I’ll think of more examples but I feel so drained.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Why would you give this even two seconds of thought? Who else but either a lunatic or complete bastard would care whether or not you had cleaned your bathroom when you were ill?

Fuck 'em.

[Caselgarcia]

Don't invite them to stay in future, you should feel comfortable in your own home!
Don't spend so much time with them, the less you see them, the less comments they will make. Rise above them. Be confident in yourself.

[SweatyUnderboob]

Your SIL should not have told you what was being said. What are her motives? Sorry OP, sounds like a shit situ to be in.

[updownleftrightstart]

Are you absolutely sure the SIL is telling the truth?

[Louiselouie0890]

Wow, why have you let them in your home

[BarbarianMum]

What is it exactly that you want from this thread OP? What is it you think YABU about? Ehat perspectives/kick up the bum could we give you that would help?

You can post where you like but if what you need is a chance to vent or check that your situation is not normal, then the Relationships board might be a kinder place for you than AIBU.

[BertrandRussell]

Are you sure your silo is telling the truth? What was her motive in telling you?

[mooncuplanding]

Ask them!

Don’t let it fester, have a conversation!

[ScandiEngineer]

I could have written this post OP! I'm divorcing him, but his family is exactly the same! Love to sit and judge/gossip about others, I tried so hard to get along with them, they're all nice to your face but the minute you leave the room they would talk about me etc. Now they call me a loner and don't understand why I've distanced myself from them . If you love your husband and everything is good between you, then ignore his family. If they're not, and his family is added more stress to your life, then divorce is the only option. You cannot change these people, and no matter what you do you will never get along with them.

[randomonhere]

OP, I think it’s fairly common working families for certain members to gossip about others - some more than others obviously!

Can you not just tell your DH you feel paranoid they are talking about you behind your back? Would he be supportive?

Why did your SIL tell you people were judging you? I’d be more concerned about her motives than anything else.

[Housecoatdiva]

So your SIL is constantly feeding back all these awful things even though she knows your manage anxiety yet won't let you address it!!
Blimey you should definitely say something or tell SIL you want to hear no more.
I'd opt for saying something as it will just fester which is no good for your mental health

[Butterymuffin]

The best thing you can do OP is to shake off the idea that these people's opinions count for anything. They sound like dicks. Are you seeing a counsellor to talk any of this through? Sounds like your sense of self needs a boost.

Maybe wear headphones while they are there and listen to Shake It Off? It's definitely the message for you. Also practice smiling very broadly at them as if you know something they don't. Behave as if you have something over on them, not the other way round. (You do: you've worked out they're judgemental dicks)

[Housecoatdiva]

For what it's worth I know my MIL is critical about the cleaning of my house behind my back. She does the same about her other DIL about different topics. We actually have a good relationship face to face and help each other out so I don't really care however if I had someone constantly making comments and feeding the fire it would be a different story.
Lots of families have the same issues. I really think you should tell your SIL to shut it you don't want to hear anymore and also have a chat with your MIL about how you've been feeling. X

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Sod being sworn to secrecy. I would confront them on this and see what they say.

What've you got to lose?

[flossieisbossy]

sod what your SIL said about not telling them . If its making you feel this bad ask them .

[DishingOutDone]

So you say that people on here have said before to leave your husband - I assume that means he encourages this behaviour? Why are they staying with you? Is it a special occasion?

[Beechview]

Horrible to have to host them when you know what they think of you but don’t give them or their judgemental views any importance.
They’re not perfect themselves and sound like horrible people. What kind of people love to sit and gossip and moralise about others?

[Gin96]

Maybe don’t let them stay in your house for longer than one night

[Franinipancake]

Did your SIL relay all those things you've listed to you? Your SIL sounds like a stirring bitch is the main thing I'm getting from this.

If your relationship with DH is great in other ways then I'd just try and ignore them/disengage as much as possible from the rest of them. It's really difficult I know if you're an anxious and sensitive person. Don't engage with your SIL when she tries to "report back" to you on anything that's been said. Maybe say to her that you find it upsetting and would rather not know, thank you very much. Minimise time spent with the rest of the family as much as you can - focus on the kids when the family are about, busy yourself with them or with anything else - housework or anything physical that is a distraction. Tune out when they start one of their moralising dialogues about whoever. Stick the radio on in the background and try and think of them as white noise.

[MERLYPUSSEDOFF]

What does OH say? Have you asked? He should be sticking up for you.

And fuck 'em.

Your house, your rules. Regardless of how ill you were or were not OH should be doing jobs around the house, particularly after birth of LO.

[diddl]

You know if a MIL told me that her DIL's house was messy & jobs needed doing & the DIL had just had a baby, I'd be judging her son as lazy & her as a nasty piece of work.

[user1495390685]

What are they doing staying with you for two weeks??? Any normal family would get a hotel. This is a massive infringement on your privacy. Does BIL2 not have a job? Or a life? He's travelled with his mother to stay at his DB's house for two weeks? I don't think I get this at all. Ignore them, OP. And consider never letting them in again -- life should be on your own terms.

[poglets]

They're imbeciles. Not worth your time. Fuck 'em.

[diddl]

Sounds as if the "complaints" they have aren't worth giving the time of day to.

Try to ignore & not waste time dwelling on it.

I find my ILs difficult-nothing like yours & I used to waste time & energy over analysing what was said/done.

Pointless!

[Fairylea]

WHY are you putting up with this!?

Tell them to leave, right now.

This is an absolutely ridiculous situation.