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AIBU?

To be hurt my son isnt invited to BF wedding?

112 replies

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 21:29

For background me and Best Friend have been friends for 20 years. She moved to the country we both now live in so has no family here. She has no children of her own and, as a result, is close to my 2 sons. They call her Auntie Bride and she never misses a Birthday or Christmas. We are also very good to her and celebrate all occasions with her. She met a guy a few years ago and they are getting married next year. I am a bridesmaid along with her 2 new SILs and another of his family members. To be fair it feels like she is trying to be part of his family too hard as she does not have her own, but this is none of my business so I keep quiet. It was definitely her who chose the SILs as bridesmaids and not him, as he cant stand one of them.

They have made the decision of no children at the wedding. This isnt a problem, fully understand its their day. I have booked a babysitter and fully intend to make the most of my freedom and enjoy a glass or seven of wine. However she has her 2 SILs children as pageboys and invited to the entire event. The other bridesmaid does not yet have children. She is now making a big show of her new "nephews", and my children have been sidelined. I understand we are not her real family, but we have 20 years of history and we have included her in all special events and, as she didnt have a family of her own over here, never saw her on her own at Christmas or birthdays. I think a huge issue to me as well is that she hasnt even sat down and had the conversation with me. She told me it was child free. Fine. She then discussed in a bridesmaid group with the SILs how she would be taking their DSs for suit fittings soon. So my sons, her "DNs" are not even a thought in any of this. AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
LondonLassInTheCountry · 13/11/2018 21:32

If shes your best friend and like family, surely you can talk to her

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 21:34

@LondonLassInTheCountry I genuinely dont feel like I can anymore. For a start it feels utterly petty. However its hurt me. Also shes very stressed about the wedding and flying off the handle a lot. At everyone, not just me. My fear is that I am now surplus to her life plans and she will just walk away if I tell her she hurt me. She doesn't take criticism well.

OP posts:
Ariela · 13/11/2018 21:39

Her wedding her rules. And if yours were there you'd not be able to relax/enjoy yourself/drink so much , so maybe she thinks she's doing you a favour by them not being there?

Whisky2014 · 13/11/2018 21:40

Mmm i think yanbu. Im having a childfree wedding and that includes family children. My bf asked me if i can lax the rule for her kid. I said no.

But if your friend is having some kids there then it does sound a little mean.

Whisky2014 · 13/11/2018 21:41

Oh if shes stresses dont ask her. Just suck it up.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2018 21:43

The SIL's children are part of the wedding, so yes they will be at the reception. I think you're being way too sensitive and ridiculous about this. She loves your boys, but this is her wedding and she is entitled to make choices you may not understand or agree with. Just let it go.

Honeyroar · 13/11/2018 21:47

I always think people are bound to upset friends when they have a no children rule then do have a couple of close family's children there as page boys/bridesmaids. It's their day, but it clearly puts noses out of joint.

Neolara · 13/11/2018 21:53

I think it's pretty normal to have family kids at a child free wedding.

thereallochnessmonster · 13/11/2018 22:05

I don’t think ‘family’ kids she’s known for a little while trump kids of a best friend she’s known for 20 years tbf.

Op, talk to her. Tell her how you feel. She might be caught up in wedding frenzy,..

thereallochnessmonster · 13/11/2018 22:10

Aquamarine - the bride may well be entitled to make this choice, but then op is entitled to feel upset about it. It may well change how she feels about the bride, and that’s op’s prerogative.

mazv1953 · 13/11/2018 22:11

we had a similar situation - my DIL to be wanted a child free wedding, mile away from where we live. We have 2 foster kids and felt we could not exclude them as they feel on the outside enough already.My DIL to be could not understand why we did not just put them with respite carers - but in all conscience we felt this sent the wrong message. My DD was in a similar position - her foster kids are long term and they were excluded too. In the end we felt we could not attend without the children and so offered to have a separate celebration for them after wards. At this point they backed down and invited them - out of 1000 photos 700 were of the bride's mother - and 2 badly posed ones of the kids! However, the kids were unaware so I guess it does not matter. The bride also instructed the DJ not to play anything requested by the children ... Our kids wore their special clothes, were very well behaved and blissfully unaware that their presence was so resented! I think that by all means people should have the wedding they want - but they also need to be aware that the rest of us have the right to opt out if that conflicts with what we believe to be our duty to nurture our kids - especially those who are fostered or adopted. So if your kids want to be involved suggest they are flower bearers - they carry a posy or prayer book, wear their special kit and stand to the side of the bride for part of the ceremony. End of. It kept our lot happy and did not intrude on the ceremony.

Doubletrouble99 · 13/11/2018 22:14

Please don't speak to her about this. As you said she is obviously trying very hard to include all there new in laws and since the new nephews are pare boys obviously they are allowed. You don't know how many children are on the other side of the family there may well be loads so she ca hardly invite your two and not everyone else's. Just leave it. Be there for her and hopefully once the dust settles you can regain your friendship of old.

TryingToSayRightThing · 13/11/2018 22:14

I understand why you are upset but would try not to take it to heart. I have terrible relationships with my SILs and would invite their children purely to keep the peace. Maybe she's just trying hard with them due to strained relationships or maybe they have no choice as won't have childcare if all the family are at the wedding?

Doubletrouble99 · 13/11/2018 22:15

Sorry about the typos!

sizeofalentil · 13/11/2018 22:18

I get what you mean OP - you were told no kids, but then found out via dripfeed that 'family' kids are invited. Her new family's kids. Not your kids, which up until now, have been her 'family' - especially when it suited her eg. at Christmas and times where she would have otherwise been on her own.

However, I do think YABU (sorry). She probably doesn't realise that you'd actually want your kids there, or would feel slighted that they weren't invited. She might even think that she's doing you a favour by giving you a child-free night out.

You also sound a bit nasty saying that she's trying too hard to become part of their family. She WILL be part of their family (well, is already basically).

Do you think she'd kick off if you say something casual like "DSS are sad that they won't get to see their 'auntie' get married." and see what she says?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 13/11/2018 22:18

Her choice to have a child-free wedding, entirely. Also your choice not to attend child-free weddings. What an utterly ridiculous notion people having no kids at weddings, you would think this was Victorian England ffs.

sizeofalentil · 13/11/2018 22:19

Actually, I agree with @Doubletrouble99 after reading their post. I wouldn't raise it.

JudasPrudy · 13/11/2018 22:19

She's making an effort with her new family. I think you should respect that.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 13/11/2018 22:23

I’m sure she didn’t mean to upset you- wedding guest list politics can be really difficult to balance even before getting into the childfree v children welcome debate.

I’ve known couples who were pushed into having a childfree so because so many friends and family had kids, and you can’t invite some and not others. It can push catering numbers up by 20 or 30 people, which not everyone can afford.

Inviting close family children only seems like an option that would spare people’s feelings

Loyaultemelie · 13/11/2018 22:27

Mazv1953 how awful! It breaks my heart that your foster children were so resented that has made me tear up. I'm glad however they were unaware on the day Thanks

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 22:30

thank you all for your answers. lots to think about and opinions - which is what i wanted.

for the record i have no intention of speaking to her about it. This is her day and I do respect that. I will also not pull out of the wedding. I agreed to be her bridesmaid and I will. But in regards to how I feel about her, its changed. I feel we were a stopgap and she has shown her true colours. We have always included her in things and it feels like she just hasnt. She gets funny when I go for family meals for DSis's birthdays and she sees facebook photos of my DC with them. I then have to plan things with her so she doesnt feel they are overshadowing her. So I imagine if I had an event with only biological aunties playing a role she would never speak to me again. However I just wouldnt do that. This has just hurt me and, I feel, damaged our friendship. As I said there is no point speaking to her about it as it would just be awkward. But you cant unsee how someone sees you once you know.

OP posts:
Loyaultemelie · 13/11/2018 22:30

Op if your children think of her as auntie I can understand why you are so upset, it also seems odd that there is no role even small for them. I'm going against the grain and saying I don't think ywbu to raise it with her that they would be sad not to see Auntie Bride get married, with a friendship of 20 years it's not going to be out of order.

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bringbackthestripes · 13/11/2018 22:35

As they are SIL children & they are pageboys then their parents, grandparents, aunt & uncle will also be at the wedding so have plenty of people to look out for them whereas you are bridesmaid and presumably only have DH to look after your DC who wouldn’t be part of the bridal party. Makes sense if they are the only kids in a child free wedding tbh, I wouldn’t get upset about it, just enjoy the child free day at your friends wedding,

BumbleBeee69 · 13/11/2018 22:37

She is not your Best Friend OP. That role has now been taken by SIL and kids, and I have sympathy for you Flowers

cocomagic · 13/11/2018 22:40

i think raising it would cause more harm than good. multiple reasons, including;

  1. she can be very unreasonable and fly off the handle.


  1. its her wedding. she made her choices for whatever reason and I dont feel they should be changed. its her day to have the people she wants around her. Doesn't stop me being hurt by them.


  1. If she changed this rule and allowed my children I would be mortified and not want DSs there, knowing she was guilt-ed into it. It wouldn't feel right and would be awkward.


  1. One of her SILs left a dress fitting recently after 2 hours and she proceeded to make catty "well I guess she had better things to do" comments. It was a Saturday and SIL has young children and works full time. The dresses were done and we were sat around chatting. I really dont want to be the subject of this. She never used to be like this. None of the bridesmaids joined in, we all sat stunned and embarrassed, so this isnt a "New family" thing shes picked up from them.


  1. I honestly dont know her reaction. Her siblings have made weak excuses not to make the £40 2 hour flight over for her wedding (even when she offered to pay for their flights and accommodation) and she has cut them off and says she doesn;t want to see them again. I feel I do not know how this will end but I don't want her ending it like I've done something wrong and never speaking to me again.
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