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To say NO WAY to DD ?

(136 Posts)
GonzoFlyingProducts Thu 08-Nov-18 17:47:52

Before we start I'm Dad not Mum !
But for these purposes I hope that won't matter.

DD, 14, went on a PGL holiday in the summer and met a boy who she likes. He ives in a Northern city, we live in a Midlands city about 130 miles away. In October he came down to visit for the day, came to the house and seemed like a thoroughly nice kid. Now DD wants to return the visit, go North on the train, stay the night at his house and return the next day.

My instant reaction was "No way". My reasoning was she is only 14, it's a long trip to take on her own (the longest she would have ever done alone), I don't know anything about where she would be going, trains break down, get cancelled and I felt totally justified in "protecting" her from all the obvious potential dangers. The "stay the night" part is the clincher for me - a total red line "no way". Plus, to me it just felt obviously right to say no to such a plan.

Now, after weeks of her pleading and sulking, I'm being told I'm over-protective, unreasonable and she says she should be allowed to spread her wings, prove that she's mature and can stay safe etc etc etc.

So now I'm second guessing and questioning myself, wondering if I am being over-protective and a worrying too much or if in fact I am right. She is mature for her age, she'll be 15 in February. So I thought I'd ask the court of public opinion. Would you let her go?

Snipples Thu 08-Nov-18 17:50:23

My first instincts are no way also!

Who is supposedly in the house for this sleepover. Sorry to be blunt but it seems like a shag plan to me.

Could they meet at a halfway point with a parent present for the day? I don't see the need for the sleepover bit really.

What does her mum think?

elf1985 Thu 08-Nov-18 17:50:36

Hell no. You are being responsible not unreasonable.

Sirzy Thu 08-Nov-18 17:51:08

You are being unreasonable on the train trip part, a 14 year old should be more than capable of navigating a couple of hours on the train.

For the staying over part you need to talk to his parents and make sure clear boundaries are set and that your both on the same hymn sheet before making a decision

Curious2468 Thu 08-Nov-18 17:51:25

I would be a nope too. Do you know the boys family at all? Could
You travel as a family for a weekend and meet up with the boys family for a day?

CarolDanvers Thu 08-Nov-18 17:51:37

Absolutely not! Be careful how you handle it. At that age I might have sneaked off anyway and decided to face the consequences later.

PrincessConsuelaBananahamm0ck Thu 08-Nov-18 17:52:23

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Confusedbeetle Thu 08-Nov-18 17:53:17

No, absolutely not. I have circumnavigated 4 teenagers who are all now great adults. She has plenty of time in front of her. Hold your ground. No fighting or explanation needed. It's a No. You are being a responsible parent. She in her heart will know that. She won't tell you until she is 35 though. It is a tough ride but you are doing the right thing. Being the popular parent is no always good

firawla Thu 08-Nov-18 17:53:38

Overnight definitely not, as the person above said it does sound like they may have plans to have sex and as the age of consent is 16 I think you’re well within your rights to tell her no overnight stays with a boyfriend at this age. I’d offer the alternative half way meet plan and if she’s not happy with that, that’s up to her.

Bluewidow Thu 08-Nov-18 17:54:37

Did he come down for the day on his own? As if so that part she's just trying to copy. However he didn't stay the night so you'd be justified to saying no to that part. Why not offer to take her up there for the day, give them
Some space and return together late evening?

NationalShiteDay Thu 08-Nov-18 17:54:56

Sweet baby Jesus absolutely no way!!!

Even at 16, never mind 14!!!!

RaininSummer Thu 08-Nov-18 17:55:48

No. I think you are right. Maybe you could soften the blow by offering to help with fare for him to come down again? She will be angry as at 14 she feels quite grown up and you need to protect her without making her terrified if all the dangers in the world. You may need to have the contraception talk if not already happened. Sex might be illegal but that doesn't mean much.

museumum Thu 08-Nov-18 17:56:30

No way.

But I would encourage a day meet in a city halfway.

Ohyesiam Thu 08-Nov-18 17:56:54

I’d talk to his parents s and then go on my gut feelings.
The travel part I’d have no problems with.

Racecardriver Thu 08-Nov-18 17:57:03

I wouldn’t let my child stay at someone’s house unless knew them at least a little bit. Compromise. Let her go for the day (provided that he meets her at the station) but not overnight.

madrose Thu 08-Nov-18 17:57:07

No - not for an overnight.

Day trip, or the whole family goes. Are there siblings - they make great chaperones.

UnderMajorDomoMinor Thu 08-Nov-18 17:58:13

Well you would know all those things because if you agreed you’d ask for his parents details and speak to them. But yanbu.

Greensleeves Thu 08-Nov-18 17:58:15

Train journey wouldn't be a problem for me, mine are 14 and 16 and more than capable of taking a train anywhere in the country. They have extra money and are in phone contact.

The overnight bit - that would depend. Are they "together" or just friends? How mature is dd? Could you speak to the boy's parents about what the arrangements would be?

It wouldn't be a flat "no" from me, but not a blase "yes" either.

StartingAgain1 Thu 08-Nov-18 18:01:25

No I wouldn't agree to this. Compromise would be one parent or both go with her, you both stay in a hotel and she's free to see him in the daytime/evening and morning before you go home. What's a pgl Holiday?
How old is the boy?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Thu 08-Nov-18 18:03:16

I would let her go for the day, provided he meets her at the station so she's not wandering around a strange city on her own. No way would I be letting her stay overnight though!

dontalltalkatonce Thu 08-Nov-18 18:05:26


TatterdemalionAspie Thu 08-Nov-18 18:05:33

Are they actually boyfriend/girlfriend, or just friends? Have they only met once since they met at the PGL, then? Bit of a leap to expect that they're gagging to dtd if they've only met a couple of times, no?

What about his parents? Have you spoken to them? Have you/her mum spoken to DD about what the situation is with this boy (ie does she think she's madly in love, or does she just like him and wants to spend more time with him)?

Also, what's the journey like and how experienced is she with trains etc... if it's a direct/easy journey and parents will meet at other end, then it's quite a good learning experience for an almost-15 yr old.

In the summer my 15 yr old DD got a train and ferry on her own, to stay for two nights at a friend's house. Another friend went too (both friends are boys). I knew she wasn't romantically interested in either of them (though we still had a talk beforehand!) and trusted that the boy's parents would be supervising pretty closely.

mbosnz Thu 08-Nov-18 18:06:17

It's a 'hell no' from me. And it would be for my 15 year old too. . .

AgentProvocateur Thu 08-Nov-18 18:06:55

I’d be fine with the train part - someone who is almost 15 should have enough savvy to get on a train and know what to do if it goes wrong. I’d be worried if they didn’t...

The overnight part? Not unless I’d spoken to the parents and was assured it would be separate rooms etc

Laureline Thu 08-Nov-18 18:09:30

No way on earth is this happening with my daughters.

And for those suggesting to talk to his parents: how would you know the people on the phone are his parents? And even then, you don’t know if they are reliable adults!

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