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AIBU to be disgusted with dd's boyfriend - how do I handle this?

(361 Posts)
HowTheHellDoIHandleThis Tue 06-Nov-18 14:01:56

I've name-changed as dd knows my username.

She's 16, he's 17.5 and they've been dating for about 6 months. He's been sexually active for a while; he is her first boyfriend and she is absolutely devoted to him.

They both use Instagram but dd has never used Facebook. He does and he doesn't put any security settings on his profile - dd and I looked him up, soon after they first met online (shared interest group chat). He had a few pics of him with previous girlfriends and stuff, nothing much.

Anyway, every now and then I glance at his page - I'm not being a stalker but I am concerned as dd is so smitten and really I know so little about him. He went to a party last weekend and a friend has uploaded a bunch of photographs of him with another girl! They are snogging, all over each other.

WHAT DO I DO?

I actually feel quite sick about it. Dd had severe anxiety earlier this year and was off school for 7 months in total; she was also self-harming. Having him in her life has made her so much happier and more confident but now I think he uses her.

For info, they live about an hour away from each other by train so have no mutual friends, other than those they've shared via Instagram. Dd would never be likely to meet or see any of the people at the party as he always comes here, she never goes there. Now I'm beginning to wonder why ... they discussed it as being because she is very anxious about travelling on her own so it was easier for him to come over. They only meet once a week.

Have I been a total mug in allowing him to be with my dd? I am honestly so stressed, my hands are shaking.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 06-Nov-18 14:05:18

I thin you need to sit your DD down and show/tell her everything. Poor her. And poor you.

But it's not fair if she thinks they are exclusive and he's actually playing the field.

NOT telling her is just a disaster waiting to happen.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 06-Nov-18 14:05:36

*think

loveyoutothemoon Tue 06-Nov-18 14:05:51

You need to tell her.

Alfie190 Tue 06-Nov-18 14:06:05

I think you need to tell her.

MrsStrowman Tue 06-Nov-18 14:07:38

You need to show her and be there for her, it's all you can do

Shootfirstaskquestionslater Tue 06-Nov-18 14:08:32

I would show her the pictures and let her make her own mind up but your poor DD deserves so much better than that and using her anxiety as his reasoning behind why he travels to her and she’s never been to his I would now be finding that one very suspicious.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Tue 06-Nov-18 14:08:55

Did you take screenshots? That way he can’t deny it and turn anything round to you “wanting to split them up”.

What a little prick.

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis Tue 06-Nov-18 14:11:02

I've taken screenshots. He's wearing a t-shirt dd bought for him!

She will be completely devastated. They are meeting this weekend and she bought a new dress with her friend the other day.

I'm dreading her coming home from school today.

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis Tue 06-Nov-18 14:11:22

Should I speak to him first?

Fashionista101 Tue 06-Nov-18 14:13:27

At that age I'd maybe leave it to your dd to speak to him. Even though that must be so hard, I'd for sure want to give him a piece of my mind!

ElspethFlashman Tue 06-Nov-18 14:13:30

Why the fuck would you speak to him first? He's gonna do a Shaggy "it wasn't me"

He is now irrelevant, tbh.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 06-Nov-18 14:13:38

Should I speak to him first?

I don't think so. You can break it to her with more dignity, kindness and tact than he will.

NorthernFlowerHouse Tue 06-Nov-18 14:13:54

I think you need to tell her and show her.

Perhaps make a screenshot in case he deletes the pics between now and her getting home so he can't lie his way out of it. Then just be there for her.

You've not been a mug at all, it doesn't sound as though there's been anything too untoward until now for you to pick up on flowers

Kittykat93 Tue 06-Nov-18 14:13:56

I'd speak to your daughter first. She has a right to know.

He's obviously a bad choice, but unfortunately I had my fair share of those during high school and college before I realised where I was going wrong. My mum was always there to support me when things did go wrong though!

NorthernFlowerHouse Tue 06-Nov-18 14:14:24

Cross post, sorry!

dustarr73 Tue 06-Nov-18 14:14:31

No dont speak to him first.It will givve him a chance to get to your dd.Show her the picture and jut be there to support her

MrsJayy Tue 06-Nov-18 14:14:53

No don't speak to him he really isn't your concern your dd is she is 16 not 12 tell her and leave it with her she needs to learn how to negociate relationships.

pinyata Tue 06-Nov-18 14:15:28

I wouldn't speak to him at all, you need to show your DD this is not how you expect to be treated. Speaking to him behind her back will undermine this. She will be devastated but she will be okay after the initial heartbreak is over all you can do is support her and be very observant for signs of self harming ect

MrsJayy Tue 06-Nov-18 14:16:32

Be supportive obviously but you can't step in and save her

NorthernFlowerHouse Tue 06-Nov-18 14:17:36

Oh and don't speak to him, all the above reasons also he might try and claim you were intimidating.

NotUmbongoUnchained Tue 06-Nov-18 14:18:35

Oh god I’m anxious for her! Heartbreak is the worst.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 06-Nov-18 14:21:09

Don't speak to him. That just gives him time to think of a cover story.

Ordinarily I'd say keep out if it but she's 16 and if he is going to be her first sexual experience (sorry for mentioning that) then she deserves someone who's faithful and truth full. Not someone like him. Not with the potential consequences sexually.

HowTheHellDoIHandleThis Tue 06-Nov-18 14:21:43

I just called dh and he says don't tell her tonight or tomorrow - she has mock GCSEs all this week, ending on Thursday afternoon.

I don't know how I can not tell her though. Especially if I hear them talking. They talk every evening for hours. He seemed very in love with dd and also devoted.

oh4forkssake Tue 06-Nov-18 14:23:21

Your DH is wrong. You need to tell her today. Don't let her keep going.

And don't speak to him. He's not worthy of your time.

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