To be worried about MIL after vodka in DD's juice?

[libbylove]

A couple of weekends ago we had Sunday lunch with my in-laws. My mother in law had some juice in a lemonade bottle that she told me she'd made herself. She gave me a glass and told me it wasn't alcoholic. I double checked this and she swore blind that it was just juice. It tasted just like juice, nothing strange about it - and it was like 11am so I didn't think any more about it.

Later on during the meal my 3.5 year old daughter needed a drink so I asked my mother in law what to give her. She said anything on the kitchen counter would do so I poured my daughter a cup of the juice and thought no more about it.

Two hours or so later my mother in law was a bottle or so deep in white wine. I was having a joke with someone and she pointed at me and accused me of being drunk. I replied that there was no way I could be drunk because I'd only been drinking the juice she made.

She then chose to reveal that this "juice" was made from 50% tropical J2O and 50% neat vodka. She'd given it to me mixed with flat lemonade, but I'd given it to my toddler as was. And I had no idea how much my daughter had drunk. My father in law said her cup was full when he cleared the table - but I'd only filled it 2/3rds full so that didn't add up. Meanwhile my mother in law's reaction was "well, you gave it to her." as if I know it had vodka in it!

The whole next day my daughter was down in the dumps, didn't eat, had a headache, was dizzy and was generally too ill to go to nursery. My husband was at work so when I told her she'd been ill all day (despite the fact she'd been up three times in the night and uncharacteristically wet herself twice the day of the juice) he alternately said it was down to her recent injections/me overreacting. I had to flat out accuse him if gaslighting me before he accepted that maybe the whole situation was not ideal.

The in-laws have previous - when DD was barely walking they took her out and got her badly burned with splinters in her feet from walking on a pier with little/no sunscreen. She nearly ended up in a burns unit, and me and my husband had to hold her down as a doctor pulled out a dozen or so large splinters.

My husband has now started arranging for my daughter to stay with them for a few days. I'm not sure what to say about this - he wants me to have the conversation with them because it's me that's unhappy, but I almost need a script or something. Do I say they can't look after her? Do I say they need to take better care? Or am I, as my husband thinks, overreacting?

[agnurse]

That was incredibly brain-dead on her part. There is NO WAY I would be leaving a child alone with such a person.

Even if she didn't know you planned to give the juice to DD, she shouldn't have given you alcohol without your consent.

[Stormyumbrella]

I wouldn’t be letting them look after your daughter. Why on earth would you let someone look after her who allowed you to give her vodka without saying anything and end up in the burns unit.

[Loopytiles]

Yes, you (and DH) need to put your DD’s welfare first.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Do not let your daughter stay with them... I'm not a hysterical person, but seriously, that is so dangerous, coupled with the previous incident means they would not be allowed unsupervised visits...

[Mokepon]

I think I'd never, ever let her be alone in their care.
Does your MIL have a drinking problem ?
I'd be livid.

[Loopytiles]

I would not want the in laws to have sole charge of the DC, or indeed unsupervised contact!

I have a family member with an alcohol problem who has asked many times to care for my DC and have always said no.

[BakedBeans47]

I would say to your husband that either he tells them she won’t be going to stay or that you will do it and you won’t mince your words that she won’t be staying with some old lush who got her drunk. MIL sounds awful.

[Sexnotgender]

There's no way any child of mine would be staying with them.

[Candlelights2345]

If this is true they should never be allowed near your daughter again. Ever.
The conversation you have should be along the lines of ‘you can’t be trusted to keep my daughter safe’ end of.

[Oneinthegrave]

I’d go NC for the sake of your daughter!!! Jesus vodka in juice in the morning?!

[Secretsquirrel101]

Wtf?! You’re massively under reacting!! If I were you, I would never ever let you MIL, clearly an alcoholic, have sole care of your precious dd again, she’s clearly completely and dangerously incompetent. Especially given the previous incident. Honestly id be never letting her even near DD again.
Above all else tho, you have a DH problem. What the fuck is he playing at?! He should be on the same page, his acceptance of this is horrible!!

[crackerslikejacobs]

Surprised by your partners reaction to this, if my DM or MIL did this to my child I would be furious! And no way would they be going there again, especially unsupervised!

[Bingolingo]

They’d never look after any of my children, even for half an hour. Your OH needs to get some backbone and spell out to them just how dangerous the two events were, and that they are not looking after her. I’m shocked at your OH’s reaction to his DD possibly being poisoned, as that’s exactly what has happened. Lucky she didn’t drink any more of it.

[Annandale]

Yeah, no, you're not overreacting. Your PILs can no longer care for children alone. Perhaps since your dh thinks this is all ok, they never could?

There's no need to stop having a relationship with them, but i would say take your own food and drink, preferably in sealed packs, or eat out, and don't leave your dc alone with them for more than a minute or two. Once you decide this is how it's going to be, i don't think it will be that hard. I realised quite early on that even the idea of leaving ds with my dad on his own was so unthinkable i'd never thought it. Your PILs may still react with outrage though.

I think sympathy for your dh may be in order - if he really can't see this behaviour as odd, he may well have suffered a fair bit.

[Knittedfairies]

It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I cannot get my head around a grandmother allowing her grandchild to drink vodka. You can’t leave her there.

[Inniu]

Tell your husband your child is not staying with your MIL. Why is he getting to arrange this.

It is illegal to give alcohol to someone under 5 years old. This is no t I st you being unhappy about granny giving a few sweets to a child.

[Thebluedog]

There is now way on this earth I’d EVER leave my dd unattended with these people ever again!

[DowntonCrabby]

Nope, they absolutely cannot be trusted and you DH should 100% back you up on this!!!

[CurlsLDN]

You don't need a script because you don't need to have the conversation with them. You are absolutely not overreacting, so tell DH it's not happening, and he can have the conversation with them.
Him trying to force you to discuss HIS daughters safety with HIS parents is another example of the manipulation you have noticed in him before. Call him out on it but don't rise to it, just refuse to engage with it and leave it to him and his (crazy) parents to fight out, while you focus on just protecting your daughter by keeping her safely by your side.

[SoyDora]

I think you’re completely under reacting, if anyone had knowingly let my toddler have alcohol there is no way they’d be coming near her again. You seem strangely calm about it!

[PassMeTheHaribosAmego]

you are not sure ???
hell would freeze over before I even let them see my child again , let alone look after them
tell your husband to man up ffs

[libbylove]

Thanks everyone. I should clarify that my MIL didn't know I'd given the juice to my daughter. I'm just overwhelmed by the situation really. I never thought I'd be in this situation - my mother in law really loves my daughter (dotes on her, and also occasionally babysits my sister in law's toddler during the week - my husband pointed out that his sister hasn't had any problems) and I know she wouldn't hurt her on purpose but she just doesn't think sometimes.

[Cocolepew]

I agree that you are massively under reacting.

[onlyk]

It’s not ok that your MIL told you that the OJ wasn’t alcoholic and let you drink it. I would be furious about that by itself, let alone I had unknowingly given it to DD.

Afraid until I got a full on apology for that and their attitude ( ie not apologising in the first place and making it a joke) I would tell DH, myself and DD will not be seeing them. Probably wouldn’t trust them ever again. Sure as hell wouldn’t be trusting them with DD alone.

[Creepyexgirlfriend]

You have to ask?