Am I being overly sensitive?

[DonkeyPunch88]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being too sensitive.

Last night whilst cuddled up in bed we were just laid there chatting about when we first met 6 years ago. I jokingly asked 'Do you still fancy me then? After so long?'

He replied with a very sincere 'Well...I suppose, although you were A LOT thinner when we first met'.

In context I was 8 and a half stone when we first met, suffering from bad depression and quite ill from not really eating/sleeping properly. I'm now just over 10 and a half stone and I'm 5ft 7. I didn't think I looked too bad for someone who's given birth to 4 children!

I know it probably seems overly sensitive and might not bother most people but the way he said it made me feel quite hurt. I suppose he's being honest with me and maybe I should be grateful for that but now I'm questioning myself and feel pretty rubbish. He fell asleep instantly and I just laid there replaying the comment in my head. I haven't said anything to him about it this morning.

Just wondered if I'm over reacting and should get over myself or whether anyone else would be hurt by a comment like that?

[DonkeyPunch88]

Sorry forgot to add this whole conversation was with my DP

[throughtheeyeofaneedle]

Well don't ask the question if you don't want the answer!

[PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth]

Men should never answer that question with anything other than "Of course I do, darling!"

[motortroll]

He was unnecessarily mean. When you've been together that long attraction is more than how you look and that's what he should be saying to you.

It's really shallow to focus on weight. Obviously people have preferences but your spouse/partner doesn't need to fit a "type" they should just be the one for you WHATEVER.

The only benefit of the doubt I can give is if in his mind "fancy" just means what I'm physically attracted to usually. And he doesn't really relate it to you because you are just you and he loves you anyway. But if that's the case he shouldn't have made a personal comment!

You need to tell him and he needs to make it up to you by worshipping your amazing body appropriately and spending some inappropriate amounts of money on stuff you like.

Just talk about it. I would tell my husband to F off immediate if he said that. I would have even poked him awake and demand he apologises!

[motortroll]

Ps 10 and half stone is a healthy weight for your height. I'm a similar height and haven't seen that weight since the 1990s!

[bubblesbobbob]

It was a thoughtless comment, it would upset me too (and I'd love to be anywhere near 10.5 stones!!!)

[reforder]

Everyone would be upset by that comment, is he always such an insensitive arse? 4 children? I’d kill him for that comment OP!

[DonkeyPunch88]

I know I shouldn't ask if I didn't want to know but I sort of didn't expect such a direct answer, maybe that's why it upset me?

I suppose I'm in the mind set of when I'm in love with someone it just doesn't matter to me what they weigh, I find them attractive as a whole. I just didn't realise it was something that bothered him.

It's not the first time he's made weight comments to me but as our daughter is only just over a year old, I wasn't planning on doing anything about my wobbly belly just yet 

[Monty27]

OP and he remains perfect or unblemished by family life?
He's a CF

[Talith]

YANBU I'm your height and weight and I don't consider myself remotely fat (and have been 8 stone too, that was too thin) so I'd have not been expecting a comment like that. It's not like you've put on much at all and ffs 4 kids . It's well within the healthy range Inc BMI etc. I'm not sure what you can do with the information, I'd be ruminating on it too. And fuming.

[Notacluewhatthisis]

Mn has an odd stance on this.

If you are a woman whose male Dp has put on weight you are allowed to find them unattractive.

If you are a man whose female partner has put weight on, you are shallow if you don't fancy her and better be an Adonis if you dare to even notice she has put weight on.

Personally, I don't think you should ever ask this question unless you want a truthful answer. It's fishing for compliments and game playing. Asking for an opinion when only one answer is acceptable.

[Racontuer]

Just speak to your DP, explain how you feel. Be honest and open about how you feel. Be calm about it and see what he says.

[DonkeyPunch88]

Personally, I don't think you should ever ask this question unless you want a truthful answer. It's fishing for compliments and game playing. Asking for an opinion when only one answer is acceptable.

I definitely won't be asking him again! Like I said, I respect the fact he was honest with me. I was just was unprepared for that type of answer I suppose.

[Brokendown18]

The only answer he should have given was "yes of course - more than ever". Twat! Have you your answer prepared about how he has changed - less hair maybe, career a bit of a failure, funny hair up nose. But you wouldn't say that stuff as you're a nice person!

[Brokendown18]

Sorry you met 6 years ago and have had 4 children? I'm amazed you have the strength to do anything in bed but sleep!

[DonkeyPunch88]

Brokendown18 The 3 older DC are mine from a previous relationship, only the youngest DD is our child together.

[Talith]

notaclue 8 stone (underweight) to 10 and a half (healthy weight) isn't exactly piling on the pounds though. Especially after four pregnancies!

If she'd become very overweight then his honesty might be more forgiveable (by some not all).

[Sleephead1]

my opinion on this is physical attraction and love are not the same thing. You can just be walking down the street and see someone and feel a huge amount of attraction to them , you can be attracted to people you would never want to be in a relationship with, even people you don't like. He hasn't said he doesn't find you attractive he also hasn't said he doesn't love you or want to be with you. You are bigger now that's just a fact. Maybe he is too? I think people can get really upset by this but if something about your partner changes e.g. they get tattoos all over their body , shave their hair of , dramatic weight change I do think that can effect how attractive they are to their partner. It doesn't mean they don't love them but every person has a preference and different ideas about what is most attractive.

[Lethaldrizzle]

I wouldn't have asked the question And I wouldn't have minded the answer if it was factually correct but I would have responded something like 'yes you are a bit of a tubster aren't you?'

[Mummadeeze]

Wow, you must still be very slim at that weight. I am the same height and much heavier but still look good in my opinion. That is not the point though. He was VERY insensitive and should not have said that even if he thought it. It is the kind of comment that could fuel an eating disorder. Am sure you look great. Tell him there are millions of women out there trying to attain your kind of physique. Also tell him his comment was hurtful. Being 100% honest is not always the way forward. And know your self worth, don’t let him bring you down.

[ciderhouserules]

These threads always confuse me - I find someone attractive if they are - kind, thoughtful, helpful, funny, punctual, generous (time, not money) etc.

My DP was 103kg when we met; he's 92kg now. I don't htink of him as thin, and he was not 'fat' then. (He's 6'4") I like him for what he is, not what he looks like.

But I am in the minority, and I think most men go much more by looks. This thinking if 'thin = attractive' is very modern thinking, and should be changed ASAP.

[maras2]

That was unnecessary and unkind.
Have some and a from me.

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

Is he on the spectrum?
Otherwise he sounds like an insensitive prick.

[RedSkyLastNight]

Depends entirely on the tone of voice and the way it was said (which we can't judge).

Every time DH or I have a birthday it is almost required for the non birthday person to make comments about how old the other one is getting, how they are losing their looks, falling to pieces and are only fit for the scrap heap.

If I posted on MN that DH had said that to me, I'd get a thread of LTB. But in the tone it's said and the context it's totally fine.

If I'd made a comment like OP's to DH, he might well have made a similar remark to her DH back. Because, to be honest, unless it's within the scope of a "serious relationship talk" it's not really a very good question.

[DonkeyPunch88]

Thanks for all your replies. I've never really been weight conscious and like PP have mentioned, attractiveness to me has always been based on a whole package of looks, personality and other qualities combined. I just find it upsetting when the only observations he ever comments on are my weight or if I seem to have lost/gained. Never comments on something nice I have done for him or someone else, or perhaps a part of my personality he likes?

Since my first son (who is now 11) was born I've always bounced anything between a size 10 to a size 14 but never felt any differently depending on what size I was at the time. I've always been quite confident with my body and never been bothered by my stretch marks or cellulite but now I'm becoming more and more self conscious and finding that my self esteem isn't what it used to be.

Anyway, lesson learnt I suppose. I won't be asking anything like that in the future again. Probably best if I'm likely to be hurt by the response!