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AIBU?

To be so fed up of being judged by other mothers.

241 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 22/10/2018 22:24

I’m feeling really annoyed at the moment.

Me and my husband have two children, the oldest being 4.5 years old.

My husband is a teacher and so gets plenty of holidays throughout the year.

We take two family holidays a year where we go abroad: a fortnight away over Easter and another fortnight away during the Summer.

On another two occasions a year, because my husband has the time off, he and our eldest son go abroad together, just somewhere cheep and cheerful and it’s usually during the February and October half terms. This arrangement has been going on for two years now and although I found it hard the first time they went away it’s become our norm now and they both love having that quality time together. They have a fantastic relationship.

They are due to go on their October half term holiday next week where they are going to Malta for five days and our son is obviously very excited about going!!

What I’m getting really frustrated with is the judgemental comments and facial expressions from colleagues (and some acquaintances) about the fact DH and DS go away without me. I am constantly told that they “could never do it,” and how they “could never be away from their children,” and a whole heap of other sly comments. The looks they give me sometimes when I make reference to DH’s and DS’s trips away together make me feel awful. It’s like they are thinking I’m a neglectful mum and they are clearly judging me for the fact that I can be away from my son. I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

I’m nearly at the point of asking my husband not to go next week, not because I don’t want them to go, but because I can’t cope with the judgements on me anymore.

I know deep down that I won’t ask them to cancel this one as our eldest is so looking forward to going on his “Boys holiday” (as they call it) but I’m thinking of asking my husband to stop taking him away from now on.

My husband tells me not to let other people upset me but I said it’s easy for him because he gets the accolade of being such a “brilliant dad” because he takes his son on a trip away whereas I’m the shit mum because I don’t mind them going.

I have women tell me that they’d never let their husband take the children away from them. I asked them if they’d be so horrified if a mother took her child away for a week with the dad staying at home because of work and they just shrug. They tell me it’s different for women because the children “need to be with us” and they can’t understand how I can be okay with my son not being home with me.

I’m just so fed up of being made to feel like crap.

They have me doubting myself. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am a crap mum because I am happy for them to go away and have their quality time together. I don’t know anymore.

I’m reeling after a conversation I’ve just had with my brother’s wife who said she really couldn’t understand how I can cope when my son is in another Country and she knows she’d never be able to be away from her child.

It just leaves me feeling so shitty about myself. Needless to say I love my son but I don’t understand what is so bad about him and my husband having a short trip away together? Why does it make me a bad mother? I don’t get it.

I’m just feeling very down about it Sad

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2018 22:26

Im a teacher and take my children away frequently when my dh is still working.

Im not going to waste holidays because dh is working!

Dont let them bother you

UpstartCrow · 22/10/2018 22:28

If you are getting those awful comments from colleagues then raise a case with HR. Its bullying and its nasty.
Your children are lucky enough to have a good relationship with their Dad, and you have no reason to feel bad Flowers

quartzy · 22/10/2018 22:31

I regularly travel to another country for work, and never batted an eyelid about it. I think it's healthy that children learn young that their parents can go away and come back for some time, but the world doesn't end. People can judge, but often they're projecting their own insecurities.

In your shoes, I'd be looking forward to the year he can take both children away!

originalusernamefail · 22/10/2018 22:32

Pffft. DH and I sometimes go away WITHOUT OUR KIDS AT ALLShock. They stay with DGP and have a fabulous time. I did the same growing up. I think it’s a great opportunity for father /son time and it would be a shame for your DS and DH to miss out due to a set of judgemental wallys.

7yo7yo · 22/10/2018 22:32

They’re jealous. I’m jealous!

MsTSwift · 22/10/2018 22:32

Sounds a lovely thing to do - a friend recently took one child to Paris the dh took their son skiing everyone thought was a great thing to do having one on one time with a parent. What weirdos those critics are

IAmWhoYouSayIAm · 22/10/2018 22:33

You need new friends! Very judgemental of them and you 100% need to remind yourself (and them) that their opinion does not matter.

Your family. Your rules.

The time with DH is creating experiences and memories for your DS, and no doubt a bit of a break for you too. Surely anyone can see this is a good thing.

Annabel7 · 22/10/2018 22:33

He's with his Dad! It's not like you've sent him to boarding school aged 4. It's their shit and sexist - your husband would never get these comments if the tables were turned. Ignore them...

Wussypants · 22/10/2018 22:33

YANBU.

My friend is getting married next year and they have a toddler. We are going away for three nights for her hen do, and toddler will be with his dad. She's had so many negative comments from other women about how they couldn't leave their child that she's considering not going now. Her fiance is also having a weekend abroad for his stag, and has not had a single comment about how can he leave his child for that long Hmm.

Try and ignore the comments, easier said than done though.

Also does your sister in law even have kids yet? Tell her to wind her neck in!

LokiBear · 22/10/2018 22:34

You are an amazing mum because you do not deny them the time together. The people who comment are idiots.

OnceUponATime000 · 22/10/2018 22:35

I think this makes you sound like an amazing family. What a wonderful thing for them to do together.
I would be pretty sure that those that comment so negatively are jealous.
Keep doing it. You obviously have a very special family unit.

ichifanny · 22/10/2018 22:35

Eh I’d love it if my husband took the kids away , enjoy it OP and be proud at the relationship your husband and son have .

arethereanyleftatall · 22/10/2018 22:36

So, to clarify, are you at work and your youngest in childcare during half term, and your dh and ds are off school on their own together?
If so, then it makes absolute sense for them to enjoy their holiday, it'd be a bit weird not to.

Ellisandra · 22/10/2018 22:39

Bide your time.
Given how high divorce rates are, half of these smug judgemental bitches will have their smiles wiped off their faces in the coming years.

My daughter loves her holidays with her father - I’m divorced.

Even when married, I worked away a lot - days, not weeks at a time, but still - shock horror! - away from her.

People always comment on how close she seems to me, by the way.

You do have a choice here though. You can choose to let them undermine what you know if good for your family, or you can choose to think “well, don’t you all have issues?”.

Please ignore them - your family trips in all varieties sound ace 👍🏻

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/10/2018 22:39

If you’re talking about holidays a lot at work I expect they’re just jealous and looking for ways to get at you.

Ignore them. Don’t share personal things at work. Enjoy time with your younger one when the boys are on their holiday.

VenusClapTrap · 22/10/2018 22:39

They’re all bonkers. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Or laugh in their faces.

JoyfulMystery · 22/10/2018 22:40

How on earth do random colleagues and acquaintances know what the half term arrangements of your son and husband are, OP? My colleagues know I have a six year old, but that’s probably about it. If they aired opinions about the fact that he spends half term three times a year with grandparents in another country — without either parent — I’d be highly tickled at the presumptuoisness, but I can’t imagine them doing so because they’re normal human beings and it’s none of their business.

jgjgjgjgjg · 22/10/2018 22:40

Mine took both children to Japan this time last year for 10 days. I was working most of the time hence why I couldn't go, but other than that I had a lovely relaxing time without them. That must make me a terrible Mother....!

JoyfulMystery · 22/10/2018 22:40

Presumptuousness.

KC225 · 22/10/2018 22:41

I am judging YOU plenty. My DH was a teacher we could barely afford a travel card.

But seriously, don't tell them your business, and do NOT stop your family holidays. If it works for your family and everyone is happy and healthy, it is nothing to do with anyone else. I encourage my DH to spend quality Dad time individually with the kids. It's good for everyone, I can't see how it can be a negative thing. Ignore them.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2018 22:42

They’re jealous. I’m jealous!

^^ THIS.

But also - and quite seriously - I would be jealous if I didn’t also get the same opportunity for 1-1 in a lovely holiday setting with everything laid on with my DC. If my ‘quality time’ was not so quality, then I’d be miffed.

So whilst I think it’s ridiculous to worry about the negative comments about being away from your child/child in a different country/not being a mother who ‘cares’ I would have a good look at whether I was perhaps a bit sensitive about this issue because I felt I was missing out.

For me, personally, I’d be fucked off my DH did both half terms away abroad on holiday without me.

LivininaBox · 22/10/2018 22:42

If these people criticising are work colleagues, then where are their children during school holidays? Presumably in childcare. How is that better than being on holiday with a parent? They are just jealous of your situation!

I know people who go on skiiing holidays and leave their young children in the chalet with a teenage au pair they have never met before so that they can go skiing. I do judge that!

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BakedBeans47 · 22/10/2018 22:44

Tell the judgemental cows to fuck right off. Don’t stop your boy having this time he enjoys with his dad due to these twats. They’re just doing it because they think it makes themseselves seem better than you (newsflash - it doesn’t).

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/10/2018 22:45

I wonder if it springs from jealousy..? My DH and DS went off for a weekend without me (I had to stay look after the cat) and although I missed them, it did feel like a good thing that DS could spend time away from me, knowing I was quite far away, and still able to have a good time. I would actually be dismayed if he had felt he missed me too much to enjoy the experience! Part of raising children is enabling them to manage new experiences. Obviously with his dad being there, it's not building true independence, but since he's still very young, it's a step in the right direction. You're not a bad mother - you're playing your part in raising a confident child.

Maybe sometime you could take him and his dad stay at home? It doesn't seem equitable that your DH gets all the short breaks and you don't - unless you genuinely don't mind that.

If it works for your family, ignore everyone else and repeat "We're happy with our current arrangement, thanks". Don't let anyone bring you down - they're not perfect parents, even if they try to give you the impression that they are.

OuchLegoHurts · 22/10/2018 22:45

Ignore them or...Just don't tell them!

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