Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

[ShortFro]

Aibu to abandon my beliefs to get ahead. Afro hair.

NC

The majority of black women you see in the uk do not actually have their real hair on display. Often only other black women will be able to tell.

For many reasons (I’ll expand) but largely due to setting an example to my daughter, I’ve worn my hair in its natural state for the last few years.
Obviously I’m not Lupita the Oscar winner (!) but it looks something like this.

(Lupita pic)

I have noticed that I am treated differently with my hair like this. Often ignored/ followed in shops etc. Please don’t tell me I’m imagining this. There are probably millions of posts on the internet talking about this.

I hate being treated like this, told I look ‘unprofessional now’ etc. My hair is always clean & cut professionally - it’s just not processed in the way most people are used to.

Options.

1. Keep it as it is, be often treated badly. Miss out on opportunities. Be true to myself.
   

1. Wigs = conform to the ‘accepted’ standard. But they are itchy and hot plus it is mortifying if they come off.
   

1. Weaves - this is what the majority do. This is expensive. To get it done professionally = £200 every 6 weeks. I can’t afford this without serious cuts to the budget elsewhere.
   

Plus: using human hair, I find the thought of having somebody’s hair in my head repulsive and skin crawling. On the ethical side, many women are exploited to get that hair.

There is synthetic hair but this often looks ‘wiggy’ and fake, like a barbies hair.


When doing weaves on a long term basis the hairline is often damaged.

Even if the photos of Naomi are doctored, I have seen in real life hundreds of women in salons with this problem. The ‘baby hair’ along the airline cannot support a weave, resulting in tension alopecia.

1. Braids. You are facing the same hairline issues as with weaves. You are looking at £50 every 6 weeks plus around 6 hours. In addition I find that they look TO ME silly and overly fussy.
   

1. Relaxer. This is a process where you take the contents of a box that says ‘caution, use gloves, do not allow to touch skin’ and put that on your head. You can do it yourself like with hair dye or pay around £200 every 6 weeks for professional maintenance. That looks like this
   

Also, make sure you never get rained on or sweat or it will become Afroish.

1. Long natural hair straightened with straightners... hours and hours of work weekly plus any time it happens to get damp...
   

What the fuck do I do?

[ShortFro]

Relaxed hair and heat straightened hair

[Rebecca36]

I like natural looking hair too, that first picture is lovely (is it you?).

When I've seen Oti Mabuse on TV, out and about or rehearsing, she looks great with her own hair, sometimes pulled up into a top knot.

A good friend of mine is a backing singer, works all over the place, and she had braids put in which looked gorgeous, when she had them taken out she wore an afro wig. She said it's easier than messing about with her own hair on tour and I understand that (I liked the braids better than the wig but that's my preference). It's nice when she is at home and just has her own hair though, more comfortable too I would think.

[doubleshotespresso]

I think well cared for, natural Afro hair looks beautiful.
In addition to this I think most women with young children have better things to invest their money and precious time into than committing to £200 every six weeks, maybe this is something you'd do for special occasions or when the mood takes you? I don't necessarily think though if you do choose these options you're letting down your own beliefs, a lot of the pressure on women generally is enough without worrying and overthinking these things.

I say what feels right for you - and what suits your finances and time available, your own hair sounds quite beautiful, be yourself and embrace it, you can always opt for the odd weave or treatment as and when?

[Lacey31]

It seems silly to spend so much money styling and treating your hair in a way that you don't want to. I agree well cared for natural Afro hair is the way to go.

[picklemepumpkin]

It's so frustrating that your natural hair is holding you back- and outrageous that it is considered unprofessional. What white MEN'S style would be considered unprofessional, I wonder?

I also think the Afro should be the way to go- can you style it in some way- with a scarf or headband, or in a topknot? I think that may give an impression of having 'taken trouble' with your appearance- not that you should have to.

[SlowlyShrinking]

It’s so shit that you have to make that choice. It’s easy for me as a white woman to say that I love natural hair (which is true) but that obviously doesn’t solve the problem of people treating you differently because of it. I wish there was a better answer.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Do what you want to your hair, but don’t judge other black women for what they choose to do to their hair

[SockEatingMonster]

This is one of the saddest threads I've read in ages.

Natural afro hair is beautiful and normal.

Of course you should wear your hair in whatever style pleases you the most and fuck everyone else. However, rallying against the system 24/7 gets tiring and I don't blame all the women who give in and conform for an easy life. I just wish it didn't have to be that way.

[Slumberparty]

It's terrible that natural afro hair is considered 'unprofessional' 
I would say don't waste your money, continue to set a great example to your daughter and keep your hair natural if that's what you really want to do. But that's easy for me to say as a white woman... Sorry not a helpful post!

[abacucat]

This is so difficult and really a choice only you can make. You will get lots of people telling you here that your natural hair looks lovely. It does but I understand that is not the point.
Personally in terms of being followed in shops, etc, I would keep my hair natural and deal with this shit. It is more difficult when it comes to jobs. This does depend on the sector you work in as in some types of jobs your real hair will be more acceptable than on others.
By the way I suspect some white women do realise black women are wearing wigs, but it is very rude to mention something like this. I remember wearing a wig and a child said to me - why are you wearing a wig? Her mum told her not to say this and apologised, but I said no its fine, and answered the girl's question. English politeness is a BIG thing.

[BasicUsername]

Natural Afro hair looks gorgeous.

However, my opinion doesn't solve your problem.

I think in your position, I'd be more inclined to change my employer than my hair.

[abacucat]

I remember the debate in the 80's in terms of whether you come out at work as lesbian or gay. Especially as it was then legal to be sacked for being lesbian and gay. It was the reason many lesbian women and gay men worked in certain fields.
Generally if you work in fields with lots of left wing people, it will be easier to have your hair natural. The more conservative the field, the harder it gets.

[ToadOfSadness]

I like the natural look, and styles like the ones Lorna Laidlaw has (not the wigs she wears on TV although I do like her 'look' in Doctors).

What I am not keen on is the really stiff and hard look, where the hairs appears to have been tortured into place, I don't know how it is done but I had a friend who had her hair steamed, and relaxed some years ago and it was straight but never looked hard.

Human hair is mainly taken from corpses, is usually black or very dark brown and dyed to match a sample if made to order, or just dyed for commercial use. I have had the misfortune to work with such hair in the past and the roots are often still on it. It never felt clean or healthy.

European hair is usually very expensive and is cut off rather than ripped out.

[user1473069303]

I don't know what to say to advise you. All I know is that I think natural afro hair looks great - especially when there's a bit of definition to the curl.

[BigFatLiar]

Can't say I've worked anywhere where peoples hairstyle was an issue. Though I suspect that it may be a problem if it was seen as giving an unwelcome impression eg going in some areas a man with a mohican could be seen as giving the wrong impression (or what about a comb over and little moustache)
In general as long as its clean and tidy what does it matter.

[DontCallMeCharlotte]

A few years ago I read an article in the Guardian about a woman of Ethiopian descent who went to Ethiopia to visit family for the first time. Out of respect for her ethnic history, she left her hair "natural" for the visit. She said that they were horrified that she hadn't "done" her hair!

It's quite a distinctive and, I think, beautiful look with the plaits and then "loose" at the bottom. Might that be an option?

[peachgreen]

Argh. I have no advice OP. I love natural Afro hair but obviously that doesn't help you at all. I'm just so cross that you're in this position.

[Knittedfairies]

Slumberparty said what I want to say.

[KennDodd]

Question. If Afro hair gets long enough can you just plait it? I don't know much about afro hair (as you can tell) I'm really lazy though so would want short natural hair that I had to do little or nothing to maintain. This would be a good example to your daughter, but, I really get your dilemma. What does to teach her about the world if she sees you being treated badly because of it, that might be something you want to shelter her from. Sorry people aren't nice.

[TheJunctionBaby]

I used to relax my hair but I did the big chop 5 years ago for much the same reasons you stated. I have girls and I wanted them to love their hair in its natural state so I wanted to be an example. I wore my natural curls right up until the last year or so, but not I have taken to be drilling it straight and then using the straighteners. I have very thick, very long hair so this is easier daily maintenance with 4 kids, of which 3 are girls also with long thick hair.

How about just using heat to straighten on those occasions you deem it a necessary evil? That way you can also rock your curls whenever you please too. Use braids and weaves now and then as protective styles rather than default styles

[Aridane]

I don't know what I would do

[Jimjamjooney]

You do whatever makes you feel better OP! Just make sure your daughter knows her hair does not define her. I’d stay natural though as your hair is so versatile maybe get a silk press if you want to change it up?

Also wanted to add, I relax my hair and occasionally wear weaves and I’ve never paid any wear near £200, even in London!!

[Unicornandbows]

I honestly love natural afro hair I think it looks so amazing!!

[Dragongirl10]

Wear your hair 'naturally' if you want to...l think a natural afro is fab.

[ChocolateChipMuffin2016]

100% what @SlowlyShrinking said!