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AIBU?

DP's parents are too kind

86 replies

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 12:48

My partners parents have just retired, paid off their mortgage and got their first two grandchildren (one being our 8mo DS) they are fairly well off and we are fairly poor, but have always got by and been happy.

DP's parents inherited a fair bit of money - guessing about 70k - about 6 months ago and they are set to inherit more shortly (way more than that) and they've always been generous towards us but recently they've gone overboard and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

They paid off all DP's debts and gave him 1k spending money. Then they bought us a new car (second hand) then offered to pay our car insurance for the year. We accepted because we're broke and wouldn't have a vehicle otherwise - offered to pay them back monthly but they would not hear of it. Recently learnt that they've actually paid the insurance for 2 years, tax and AA recovery too. They are constantly buying clothes and things for DS and even bought a brand new car seat for the car. When we showed them what we wanted to get DS for Christmas (a rocking horse) they immediately declared that they would buy it! I had to fight hard for them not to go out and get it that instant.

Now they want to buy us a house... not even joking. DP's mum wants to buy it and rent it out to us at a minimal cost... This would help us so much but AIBU to think its too much support for two grown adults with a child to accept? It makes me feel bad, like we can't look after ourselves or our DS.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 22/10/2018 12:50

If they are doing it without any expectations of how you will behave as ar result, I think it's fine. A lot of families help each other out. It only becomes a problem when those things are held against the people being helped, "You have to spend every saturday with us because we bought you a house" etc.

Cherries101 · 22/10/2018 12:52

Are you married to your DP? If so you might be left with absolutely nothing if his parents support you both to this extent. Your priority should be to buy a house in your names, not rent one from them. Could they support you with a deposit instead?

HotSauceCommittee · 22/10/2018 12:54

If there are no strings attached and you all have a good relationship with the PILs, accept it! They obviously don’t want to be sitting on pots of money while they have everything and watch you struggle!
My PILs are similar with a “moneys like muck;it does more good if you spread it around” attitude.
Money aside, if they really are kind, cherish them.

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 12:55

@Cherries101 Yes, we're married.

There is no way we would be approved for a mortgage - low earners not to mention bad debt history, ccj's etc. DP did check a few years ago about getting a mortgage by himself and the maximum he could get was 80k, so helping with a deposit is a no go.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 22/10/2018 12:55

They sound like the kind of people who want t see their kids enjoy the money when they need it, rather than get it when they're dead. I know someone who bought a house for their adult child, in exchange for a below market rent. They said it made sound financial sense as they couldn't have got such a good return on their money elsewhere. Win/win.

I think the rocking horse is a bit mean as they're taking away your pleasure in buying it. If they're genuinely nice people they'll understand that.

As long as they don't think their help entitles them to a say in how you live your lives, let them crack on. It really sounds as if they're trying to help, not judging you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 12:55

DP's mum wants to buy it and rent it out to us at a minimal cost... This would help us so much but AIBU to think its too much support for two grown adults with a child to accept? It makes me feel bad, like we can't look after ourselves or our DS. If my DS needed to rent, I'd much prefer that his rent stayed "in the family" rather than went to a stranger. From their point of view the house is an investment, you would be good and reliable tenants, so it's good business sense for them.

Equally treat as a business deal for yourself - make sure you have full (written) understanding of what they need from you as a tenant and what you expect from them as a landlord, what would happen if you were in arrears with the rent, what would happen if they needed to sell for their own care needs.

OoohAyyye · 22/10/2018 12:56

Lots of people get on the property ladder or receive other help from their family. If they want to be generous with their money and support you all I see no harm (I'm jealous Wink).

sonandhelpneeded · 22/10/2018 12:57

No strings attached gifts?

What's the problem?

Somerville · 22/10/2018 12:57

Sounds like part of their ability to help you comes from them being helped by the generations above them, from whom they’ve inherited money. And in turn, when you’re in a stronger financial position and your DS is young and broke, you’ll want to help him, too.

stiltonontoast · 22/10/2018 12:59

Thanks everyone - I think its hard for me because I've always been fiercely independent both personally and financially so completely not used to this level of generosity!

OP posts:
yelpingSpookyWillies · 22/10/2018 12:59

Amazing gesture - accept and be thankful for such a fortunate situation!

chaoscategorised · 22/10/2018 13:02

It's a weird feeling, isn't it? I spent years hoping some random benefactor would just pay my overdraft off and sort me out, and then when my mum inherited a lot of money (not that ^ much, but a big chunk) and helped me out, it felt weird and like I should have done it off my own back.

But if you get on well with them and don't feel like there are any conditions attached - they're not going to insist you never decorate the house or threaten to throw you out if you disagree or anything? - then actually, renting a property off family members is quite normal! And incredibly generous of them :-) Basically, if they're nice, normal people who just love you all and want to help you out, then don't look a gift horse in the mouth and enjoy it.

Things to think about - you say DP, not DH, so check what your rights would be re: the house if anything were to happen to your relationship (sounds miserable, but important!). Make sure you get a proper rental agreement and maybe get your DP to chat about the inheritance of the house - are there other siblings who would be given a share etc?

SheSparkles · 22/10/2018 13:03

This is the kind of thing my parents have done for us, because their parents did it for them. They’ve seen us as being pointless them sitting on money when we needed a help, so they helped us. The only condition was that we help ours out when we can. The help they have given us has meant that we’re in a position to help them sooner than we would otherwise have been able to. It’s just what our family does

SallyWD · 22/10/2018 13:10

I completely understand where they're coming from. I would much rather see my children benefitting from my money when I'm alive then pass it on when I'm dead. They've found themselves in a situation where they suddenly have A Lot of extra cash. Far more than they need for themselves. It seems only natural that they'd want to help their family. Things are tough these days. Many people can't get on to the housing ladder. Things were much easier for previous generations in terms of home ownership. I would accept their offer with thanks. Make sure you have a proper rental agreement in place. It makes them happy to help you and buy clothes etc. for their grandchildren. I think it's lovely.

KickAssAngel · 22/10/2018 13:14

If it really is no strings attached, then it's fine. It's what people with money have always done - kept it in the family.

BUT - do be aware that it makes you quite vulnerable. If you & DP split up, or he is seriously ill/dies etc, you are completely at their mercy. You could (worst case scenario) end up being homeless with them/ex-DP looking after your son (imagine if he cheated on you, and you couldn't afford to move out while he moved a new woman in!). Make sure that you save as much as possible into an account in your own name (not joint). Discuss it with DP. If you two stay together forever, that's great, you can use that money for something later. If something goes wrong, then you are still independent.

And DO discuss with them about the house - how long do they think you can rent for? What if they need to sell? Who pays for repairs? What if you & DP need to move? What if the government introduces new taxes and suddenly this house is costing them money? Try to think of all the what ifs & discuss them up front, and have an agreement in writing about the tenancy.

JuliaJaynes9 · 22/10/2018 13:16

No strings?
There is no such thing as a free lunch if someone gives you a gift you are in their debt no matter how much they insist that is unconditional, they may never call in the favour but you know that they could anytime if they wanted to

Disquieted1 · 22/10/2018 13:26

Accept their generosity.

A word of warning though - the house. They have another grandchild so your husband has siblings (I should've been a detective). PILs are not buying the house for you, they're keeping ownership themselves which will transfer to all of their children when they go. Treat it like they're giving you a break on the rent for a couple of years while you save up for your own place.

Celebelly · 22/10/2018 13:26

My mum and stepdad are like this too –they want to give us and my step-siblings what they can while we need it most, so we've all had house deposits and I recently got a large lump sum from my mum from another property she sold to help bring our mortgage down, buy a new car, and not have to worry about maternity leave. Her rationale is that we can make best use of the money now, while we're starting a family and buying a family home, than in potentially 20-30 years' time.

Don't let pride get in the way of accepting. It seems they just genuinely care and want to help out your family and I'm sure in the years ahead when they become older and possibly infirm, you and your DP will support them in other ways than financial.

But definitely look in to how things will work if you and your DP should ever separate and what that means for you. It's sensible to think about it, even if you are so sure it will never happen.

OrdinarySnowflake · 22/10/2018 13:26

You know if they are the sort who'll see it as their house or your home. Will they let you decorate the way you want, will they expect to have a key and be allowed to come in whenever they want, or will they be respectful of it being your home, as if you had rented from someone else?

If they will be nice about it, then accept. Perhaps ask if you can look at saving up, when you've improved your credit rating, buy it off them?

Bluelady · 22/10/2018 13:29

You're all assuming the house will be in PiLs' names. OP hasn't said that.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 22/10/2018 13:30

God, they sound great!

Look, they've paid off their house, they presumably have good pensions set up, and the thing that would make them happiest is spending their unneeded inheritance windfall on getting their children well established financially. Isn't that what most of us dream of? I do.

lifecouldbeadream · 22/10/2018 13:30

Suspect that IHT may be part of the reason for this....

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Vitalogy · 22/10/2018 13:31

If it's unconditional say yes and thank you.

DerelictWreck · 22/10/2018 13:32

No strings?
There is no such thing as a free lunch if someone gives you a gift you are in their debt no matter how much they insist that is unconditional, they may never call in the favour but you know that they could anytime if they wanted to


In a loving family with healthy relationships, that's not true at all.

OP I would think about the lovely affect this could have on your DS and his security/life being easier. Its generous of them and only you know what their motivations are, but if its coming from love then I would accept with open arms.

Knittedfairies · 22/10/2018 13:32

Can’t you see their very generous gesture as wanting to look after their children, in the same way you want to look after yours?

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