To feel like a loser in life

[pixyflower]

I'm in my 20s. When I was a teenager I was given lots of attention by my parents for academic success and got into a good uni with 5 A Alevels. I achieved a 1st in my degree but developed an eating disorder during my time in uni. I studied hard and would "punish" myself for not working 10 hour days (9-8 with 1 hour for tea) 7 days a week. I remember feeling flat on my graduation day. I had a first but I remember thinking I wish I had had fun and got a 2:1.

I took a year out as I was having a complete breakdown. I met my ex partner at this point. He was charming and attractive and was always wanting to see me and hang around me all the time. I fell for him pretty quickly and we moved in together. After 6 months he started being abusive (psychologically gaslighting) and did a number of pretty horrible things including screaming in my face that I wasnt a priority, that he wished I was dead, that he wouldve cheated on me if the sex wasn't so good. I'm 99% sure he cheated on me. We broke up anyway, and a week after that we had sex. During it he held my face to the bed so that my nose started bleeding and there was a 10cm length bruise on my face. My boobs were also cut from the scratches. I also bled for two days after. In the morning after it happened he was snappy with me and demanded I clean up my flat as I was disgusting.

As I am a completely weak pathetic person I carried on speaking to him for three months after this. When confronted he was horrified and was very apologetic for maybe 2 weeks. But then he started telling me I had exaggerated it and that if he had raped me I would be scared of him and wouldn't associate with him. He convinced me I was a liar.

We went through a time of seeing each other again and him telling me he had completely made a mistake and he loved me etc. Then one day he Turned around and told me he didn't want that. So I finally left and cut contact PROPERLY. I blocked him on all social media, his number etc.

He eventually got in touch with me during summer after 5 months no contact to ask to meet up as he was working away for 6 months and wanted to say bye. I went (weak and pathetic) and the professions of love were made again, we cried and he told me to visit him during his work. We said bye.

I haven't contacted him since. But I fucking miss him.

This weekend I had my two best friends visit my new home in a new city. That flat feeling I had during graduation returned. What's it all for? I don't feel anything. I constantly live in memories of me and my ex. Sometimes when I'm sitting on my own I don't feel "real". I am constantly anxious and scared.

I know I should never contact him again but my willpower is waning. He's the only person who ever made me feel alive. It's been over a year since we split why am I such a loser still?

[recklessruby]

You are not a loser. Your self worth has been eroded by a toxic relationship with a narcissist.
Well done to have ended it. Don't go back. He made you feel alive due to the risk and uncertainty of the relationship. He is charming until you displease him. Then He s nasty or turns away from you as punishment.
You are young and have a good life ahead of you. Stay free from him. Do things just for yourself. Reconnect with friends you may not have seen due to being at his neck and call. You are worth so much more than an abusive relationship and yes it does sound like rape the night he held you down and had horrible rough sex with you.
Please don't let this experience define you.
You're not a loser. You just let someone make you feel like that.