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AIBU?

Should I leave him or have another baby?

118 replies

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 12:44

Think this will be a long one. I’ve name changed.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. We have 1 DS aged nearly 1. We own a home, a car, have a will, life insurance, etc. We are not married which doesn’t bother me in the slightest (I know many on here have strong opinions about this which I fully respect, but don’t want this thread to be a marriage debate please!)

My DP is a really nice, kind man and a great dad to our son. But I don’t feel anything for him any more romantically. The spark has well and truly gone. I love him but I’m not in love with him. I don’t think we will be together for the rest of our lives. He is aware of how I feel and it makes him sad but he wants to work at the relationship. We are so different, we have nothing in common, our core values are not the same and I realised this early 2017. Until then I was so madly in love with him I hadn’t noticed how poles apart we are. So early 2017 I told him how I felt and our relationship was effectively over... and then I fell pregnant. We decided to keep the baby and give our relationship a go. Everything was fine until DS was about 9mo when the old doubts started creeping in.

But I don’t know if I should leave him or stay and have another baby with him, wait a year or two and then end the relationship. I always wanted my children to be full siblings and DP is honestly the most amazing dad. I could happily plod along a few more years with him. We don’t fight or argue, we happily co exist almost as best friends.

What would you do? Am I an unreasonable arsehole for thinking I should have another baby even though I know the relationship won’t last long term? I’m prepared to be flamed but please be honest. Thanks.

OP posts:
45redballoons · 21/10/2018 12:46

Well does he know this is still how you feel? Maybe you need to speak to him and see if he wants to continue.

user139328237 · 21/10/2018 12:49

If you know you want to leave him at some point it is extremely unfair to try and have another child with him.

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 12:50

He knows how I feel. He wants to try and make the relationship work. I would love nothing more than for it to work but I have been trying for nearly 3 months now and my feelings remain unchanged.

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LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 21/10/2018 12:51

Well, what do you want? If you’re happy to settle and plod along and live with your best friend with another baby, then go for it. However, I think realistically that won’t work. What if you find someone that you do fall in love with? Will you split up the family? It wouldn’t be fair on the DC or DP. If you feel the relationship’s time is up, then it’s up. No one can judge you for that. It is sad when relationships break down but DP will move on.
Good luck Flowers

RatBabies · 21/10/2018 12:53

Don't string him along just to get a baby out of him. That's just cruel.

If you know you're not going to stay with him just get it over with and you can both get on with your lives.

TheStoic · 21/10/2018 12:54

What are the ‘values’ that are poles apart?

There’s nothing wrong with doing what you propose, as long as you explain what you are thinking and he is on the same page.

Otherwise it’s deceptive.

SerenDippitty · 21/10/2018 12:55

It would be beyond cruel to raise his hopes for the future of the relationship by suggesting you have a baby together, if you have no intention of staying with him.

SEsofty · 21/10/2018 12:55

If you don’t share core values it is going to be incredibly difficult to raise the child that you do have as it is. Also in a lifetime three months is barely anything, many couples wouldn’t see each other for that length of time with work commitments

HollowTalk · 21/10/2018 12:57

Three months isn't very long to try to make a relationship work.

LegalEagle99 · 21/10/2018 12:58

Please don't bring another baby into a situation which you know has no future and it is certain that you won't remain together.
I'm certain from what you have said that you're both loving parents and your DS is a lucky little boy. However, things do change and upon a relationship breakdown we all act differently, some expected and some not so much. You don't know how the future in terms of co-parenting will go so why take the risk?
It's very sad for all involved but better to make a clean break now than prolong it AND bring another baby into it.

ghostlygal · 21/10/2018 12:58

@Babyorbust I think it's normal for long term relationships to go through stages like this, and passionate love doesn't tend to be lifelong, you're lucky if you have someone that you get along well with to raise your kids together. I would consider couples counselling to be honest, especially if they're kids involved. Being a single mom is really fucking hard believe me. Have you really thought this all through?

DontTouchTheMoustache · 21/10/2018 12:59

I can't imagine him being ok with this plan, i would be horrified if someone did that to me

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:00

RE values - I am interested in politics, current affairs, I donate to the food bank and volunteer, he thinks all that is a waste of time. Christ I sound so self righteous but I’m not at all.
He has a very small town mentality whereas I hope when I’m older to travel the world and maybe settle abroad. He wouldn’t even move 5 minutes away from his mum. Things like that.

I actually think as parents we offset each other quite well.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/10/2018 13:01

Trying for 3 months isn't that long...

I would go to couples therapy for you both to air everything.

What do you think being "in love" should feel like?

WrongKindOfFace · 21/10/2018 13:01

Do not have another baby with him.

Emelene · 21/10/2018 13:02

Surely love changes and develops as a relationship grows? You won't always feel "in love" but you say you love each other and are friends? Personally I think you should go to relationship counselling; it sounds like he really wants to make this relationship work and you want to be a family.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 21/10/2018 13:03

If he really wants the relationship to work then you know he would probably agree to another baby to try and keep you. That is horrible manipulation from you and not fair on your DP. Also, do you think when the new baby grows up a bit they won't realise they were a "band-aid baby" when you and their dad split up soon after they were born?

Everything about your suggestion is horrible. What if you have secondary infertility? Would you go through tests and potentially IVF and put DP through that for a few more years just to have full siblings?

You don't need DP's agreement to end your relationship. Tell him you are going and go.

ShawshanksRedemption · 21/10/2018 13:04

You were in love with him when you both had differences - could you fall in love again? If not, what changed?

How are you working on your relationship?

I would say hold off having another baby until you know whether this is going to work or not. If you did break up, would it be 50/50 shared parenting? Break ups can be hard for kids so to have another child and then break up means you are putting another child through a separation just for your desire to have full siblings. I'm not sure I agree with that.

If you decided to go ahead however, would your DP feel any resentment over time that he had been used in that way? How would this then affect any split with regards to shared parenting?

KPjoenix · 21/10/2018 13:05

You're well and truly only thinking of this from your own perspective. There are two other humans in this and a potential third. To Bering a baby into a situation knowing the relationship is doomed is irresponsible. What if that baby has special needs? What if you need to stop working to care for that baby? You seem to view your children as things and your DP as a sperm bank/childcare. You've put three months in and are happy to call it dead. Maybe get some personal counselling and sort your head first.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 21/10/2018 13:05

On the other hand, your DS is only a year old. Life and relationships change dramatically with a small baby. That first year is hard and you can become like ships in the night almost juggling work, house and baby. How was your relationship before DS was born? Speaking to a counsellor, either individually or as a couple might do you some good.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/10/2018 13:06

How would he feel fathering another child with you in these circumstances? Does he know it's something more of a contract in that you want your children to be 'full' siblings but the relationship is all but gone?

In these sort of threads where a woman is considering leaving I'm often inclined to think she shouldn't have more children with her partner as managing as a single parent of 2 is decidedly harder than it is with 1. If you have no practical concerns r.e. being a single or rather co-parent to 2 children and he's on board with it then I don't see why not.

I suspect however that he'd only go along with this in order to keep the relationship together. Therefore if you already have one foot out the door it would not be fair to enmesh him further in any illusion that you both have a future as a family unit.

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:09

So I fell pregnant about 2 months ago. It was a surprise (we were using protection but apprently we are an incredibly fertile couple.) I lost the baby and have found that extremely difficult emotionally, I am having counselling once a week and it’s during discussions with my counsellor that these issues with my relationship have been reignited. He is over the loss but I am not.

Sorry I know I should have mentioned that in my original post but I find it hard to even type down.

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SEsofty · 21/10/2018 13:11

In the first year of a child life all relationship change, that is not necessarily a bad thing although you seem to have decided that it is.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/10/2018 13:12

Wait, you want to have another baby with this man which will get his hopes up, really unfairly. But then you also want to move and settle abroad taking both his children? Well, that’s nasty if I’m honest. With one child it could be doable with visitation etc but two? That’s a lot of money to bring them back and forth to see each parent. If I have read that wrong let me know. Doing that with one child together is bad enough but to have another knowing you will be doing that and knowing he is still in love with you is crazy. That passionate love just does not last forever, it doesn’t necessarily go away but it does change.

Babyorbust · 21/10/2018 13:13

Thanks for everyone’s comments. I need a bit of tough love. I know I sound selfish and unkind. I think I desperately want to give my child(ren) the kind of life my parents gave me (a loving stable home, happily married parents, etc) but I know deep down I’m
Not with the right person so am trying to work out how I could make a separation as easy for my kids as possible.

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