To not let DD(11) go to this party?

[upsideup]

DD is 11 and in Y7, the only people she knew when starting secondary were 3 Y8 girls who she does dance with. Lunch time and out of school she's been hanging out with them and their friends which I don't mind, there is only a few months between them and I understand how they can get on but she hasn't made any attempt to make any friends with anyone in her own year.

She's gone to two of these Y8's birthday party's which were both during the day and has gone shopping with them at the weekends and to sleepovers a few times which have been all been fine, they are all lovely.

There's a Halloween party next weekend at a Y9's house which is 7-12, mostly year 9 going but some Y8's and some Y10's as well. DD has been invited with her Y8 friends who I think are all being allowed to go, we've told dd we don't think she's going to be allowed. Y8's have said they'll stay with her the whole night, my friends Y10 son has said maybe he'll go and that he will look after her too, he is also lovely and I trust that he actually would look after her and make sure she's okay but I know what kind of parties he goes to.

9 year old ds is having a party at our house the same night and she isn't happy about going to this instead when all her friends are going, there has been a lot of tears which is definitely not like her. She is sensible and she's never given me any reason to not trust her to make the right decisions but I still feel uncomfortable letting her go with kids so much older.

AIBU to not let her go?

[busybarbara]

there has been a lot of tears which is definitely not like her. She is sensible

I think you have your answer right here. This could be a formative experience for her. Make sure she has a phone or some way to contact you with the expectation she can summon you at any point if things get too heavy or she feels she's being led astray.

[OwlinaTree]

Could she go for some of it and you fetch her at 10:30 or something? Give her a chance to show she can be trusted.

[hammeringinmyhead]

Are there parents at the Y9's house?

[Thenewdoctor]

I would let her go and maybe collect her at 11/11.30 if you’re very worried.

[PMSwithacockinmydress]

What exactly is your concern about her going to the party?

[Strugglingtodomybest]

I think letting her go but picking her up earlier is a good plan.

[Bestseller]

Oh, that's a tough one. The difference between yr 7 and yr 9 is huge and whilst DD might be sensible will she be able to resist being led by older children she wants to impress?

Do you know the children or the parents at the house? Will the parents be there?

[PandaG]

Yes, what is your concern? That you don't know the hosts, will there be alcohol, party goes on too long and finishes too late? Can you agree to picking her up earlier?

[VioletCharlotte]

So long as there are adults supervising then I'd let her go. I can understand your concerns though.. there's a big difference between an 11 year old year 7 and a 14 year old year 9. From experience, I know that year 9 parties are occasionally unsupervised and there's drink involved. However, this isn't the norm, so as long as you know adults will def be there, then I'd let her go and show that you trust her to make good choices.

[Oblomov18]

Why haven’t you also addressed the fact she hasn’t made any friends in her year Group? That is a serious issue. Send her HoY and tuto an email today, so they can consider this over 1/2 term and address it on the first day back.

[VioletCharlotte]

And I wouldn't pick her up earlier. That would be incredibly humiliating for her!

[Knittedfairies]

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable here. Her Y8 friends have said they will look after her, and you’ve got a Y10 to keep an eye on her. If she has a phone I’d let her go.

[upsideup]

No parents, I think they are only down the street though and are comming back at midnight to make sure every one goes home.
I don't know exactly what I'm concerned about it just seems wrong to let an 11 year old go to a party with mostly 13-15 year olds. She's never been to a party that isnt either a 'kids party' or an adult party with us before. And I know from friends son that the parties that Y10's go to often involve drink and sex which I'm not concerned she's going to do but not really sure if she should be there for.

[PMSwithacockinmydress]

Wow alcohol and sex for 13 year olds?

Does she genuinely want to go, or just because her friends are going? Would she respond well to an earlier curfew, a zero-alcohol rule, and a get-out phrase she can say/text to you if it's turning out to be not what she expected?

[Chickychoccyegg]

I can understand your concerns, and to be honest I'd probably say no, she's 11, so too young to be going to an unsupervised party with older kids until midnight

[NC4Now]

I think Year 7 is a bit young for this kind of party really. Year 8 is pushing it. Especially if there are no parents there.

[Rixera]

She's in secondary so there will be mentions around her of all of those things just because they show off at school.

As she is a sensible girl could you talk frankly with her about these concerns? Tell her you know there is sex & alcohol at the parties the year 10 boy goes to and that you are worried about her being around much older children who will be doing that as it isn't appropriate for an 11 year old to be involved in. That you are worried she might be pressured into doing things that she doesn't want to do. She might be scared out of going if she is sensible and knows the rough goings-on at those kinds of parties.

[hoxt]

I wouldn’t let her go. The difference between years 7 and 9 is massive.

[DearMrSkeleton]

No way, not a chance if the parents won't be home.

[BruegelTheElder]

Agreed with hoxt. I would not want my 11 year old at an unsupervised party where most of the other kids are 13-15. If there were parents present, I probably would, but I know what unsupervised parties are like for 14 year olds, and it's not somewhere I'd want my 11 year old.

Sucks for her, but I'd just have to endure the tears and tantrums and put my foot down.

[StoorieHoose]

My dd is 12 and I wouldn’t be letting her go to a party with 14/15 year olds who will be drinking esp if no parents there

[Jammiebammie]

No way on gods earth would I let my 11 (almost 12) year old go!

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd have said yes, with an earlier curfew, until i read that there are not going to be responsible adults in the house whilst the party is going on, so it would be a 'no' for me.

Tears and disappointment and 'but everyone will be there!!!' are lessons we all have to learn in life. I remember telling my DS1 at 15 and in a similar situation that I only had 3 more years to protect him, and then he was going to have 50-60 years of going to whatever party he wanted to and to please just give me my 3 more years. He actually said "I don't have an argument for that".

[MissContrary]

An 11 yo hanging around with 15 yo's at an unsupervised party is not something I would be comfortable with.

[CherryPavlova]

Absolutely not. A bunch of older children and parents irresponsible enough to leave them in a house? There will be smuggled alcohol and possibly sex for some. Not something 11 year olds should be asked to cope with.

Why hasn’t she got friends from her own class/year? That’s a serious problem.