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AIBU?

WIBU to let DH drive her home?

61 replies

teenytinypontypine · 18/10/2018 22:01

I think my friend is lashing out a bit due to grief because I genuinely don't think we have done anything terrible, but my friend had a proper shout at me earlier because I let my husband drive her daughter back to our house. The whole story:

This couple have been our friends for many years, more specifically the husbands have been friends for nearly 30 years. They have an 18 month old daughter, we have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. We are named to be guardians of their daughter should anything bad happen to the parents. We are close, but not so close that their daughter would be totally comfortable with us - mum is a SAHM and spends (obviously) an awful lot of time with daughter and daughter is a little clingy. Not unusual for her age.

My friend got a call yesterday morning to say her mum had been taken into hospital with a serious condition and may not survive. She was in a hospital about 3 hours from where we live. Friend called me in a panic, asked me to have her daughter so they could drive straight up there. Obviously I said yes, I came to their house, they left distraught and in a big hurry.

The afternoon looking after the daughter was OK, she was quite upset at being left with me and my kids but distractible and had her own toys etc. Got a call from friend's DH about 6pm saying they weren't coming back that night as the mum was very poorly and they were going to stop treatment, mum likely to die overnight. Obviously, utterly utterly awful. I said no problem, will take daughter to ours for sleepover, whatever they needed us to do really. There was no objection to us taking her to ours at all.

When my DH finished work I got him to come to their house to help. Our two kids have isofix car seats that we have never taken out of the car since they were fitted. Friends had left their daughter's car seat, which could be fitted with a seat belt. So I put our kids in my car in their seats, DH put their daughter in his car with her car seat. We drive virtually in convoy back to our house about 20 mins drive away.

Bit of a rough night as expected, their daughter clearly upset at not having mummy and daddy and being in a strange place, but we did eventually get some sleep.

Friends called this morning to say that yes sadly mum had passed in the night but they were heading home and friend's brother was taking care of things. A few hours later they arrive to collect their little one and I just describe what we did in the afternoon and evening, including mentioning in passing that we had been slightly flummoxed about how to put her car seat into DH's car but we got there in the end.

My friend then looked all incredulous and wide eyed and shouted that she should have been with me as I was the one who had said yes to taking responsibility for her. I explained that I could virtually see DH's car the whole way back, and also apologised saying I hadn't realised she would feel strongly about it - it just seemed the most sensible and obvious way to get all three kids home, given my car has the fixed seats in it and couldn't have fitted the third seat (OK technically could have gone on front passenger seat but I don't know how to turn off the airbag). She calmed down a bit but they left shortly afterwards, without her thanking me (though they had been very effusive in their thanks when they first arrived) and was really frosty. Her DH just looked a bit blank, so I'm not sure whether he thought it was an issue or not.

Do you think she was just stressed out by grief and blowing things out of proportion a bit? Or WIBU to put her kid in my DH's car for a 20 minute car journey?

OP posts:
Aridane · 18/10/2018 22:04

She was / is highly stressed

ThisIsTheNational · 18/10/2018 22:05

She was just stressed out. Don’t worry.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 18/10/2018 22:06

You were not being unreasonable but she's probably grief stricken and shocked. Iud she mentions it again then you should defend your actions but probably she won't mention it again. I suppose the only other thing you could've done is swap cars? So dh drive your kids in your car and you drive her in his but really you shouldn't have to bother with the faff!
Well done for being a good friend and stepping in as needed, hopefully she will remember that part in time!

krazycatlady · 18/10/2018 22:06

Just stressed let it go

kitkatsky · 18/10/2018 22:08

Step back and put yourself there. She's projecting nehative feelings about losing her mum on sth controllable. Just stay cool. She'll get there if you don't kick off

ThatssomedeadbratCarrie · 18/10/2018 22:10

Of course yanbu. She’s most like irrational with grief. If she’s otherwise a good friend I would let this go and hope she has enough sense to apologise when the raw grief passes.

Slipp3rs · 18/10/2018 22:11

On a different note you only turn off the airbag if it’s rear facing. Nowhere online does it say turn the airbag off for child in forward facing seat.
If anyone can find where it does please let me.

teenytinypontypine · 18/10/2018 22:13

Thanks for the reassurance. I was just so surprised at the sudden change from such effusive thanks (through lots and lots of exhausted tears) to such angry shouting and incredulity. I was starting to think I had missed some really obvious faux pas.

I do hope she is alright. She has had probably the worst couple of days of her life. As they left I did say for them to just say if there was anything else I could do.

OP posts:
teenytinypontypine · 18/10/2018 22:16

Slipp3rs good point, probably didn't need to disable airbag. But either way, putting her in my car didn't really occur to us at all. Seemed obvious to put her in DH's.

OP posts:
RollyCow · 18/10/2018 22:18

I'm sure she's just reacting to the situation irrationally. It's the smallest thing and nothing for her to get upset over but she has just lost her Mum. Give her some space and I'm sure she will realise.

You sound like a great friend

Howhot · 18/10/2018 22:20

I'm not sure what you hope to achieve by posting tbh op. Satisfaction to be told you're not being unreasonable? Obviously she's not bring reasonable but her mum has literally just died. Don't mention it again

MoorMummy · 18/10/2018 22:21

I’m sure it’s nothing personal , if everyone had a friend like you the world would be a better place. Bless you x

CryingOverSpiltMilk · 18/10/2018 22:24

Maybe a text to say you're thinking of her will get you both past it but it just sounds like grief to me.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 18/10/2018 22:27

I've always believed you mustn't ever put a child in the front seat of a car fitted with an airbag, because in the event of it deploying in a collision, the strength of impact could cause horrific injuries to small people.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 18/10/2018 22:28

If she thinks your husband - her husband's friend of 30 years - is safe enough to raise her child if she dies, she thinks he's safe enough to drive her for 20 minutes.

It sound like grief talking because it's very bizarre otherwise unless there's some massive backstory like your husband is a sex offender.

Dollymixture22 · 18/10/2018 22:29

She might not even remember the exchange. What you did was completely normal. Your poor friend was in shock and grieving.

Gemini69 · 18/10/2018 22:32

I'm confused OP... what was your friends distress aimed at exactly ?

TokyoSushi · 18/10/2018 22:33

Sounds like you did a brilliant job and she is just stressed/upset/in shock. I'd just send a very gentle 'thinking of you/sending you lots of love' text and then leave it a little while.

You sound like a great friend.

NWQM · 18/10/2018 22:34

To be honest it probably is stress and lack of sleep but as someone who has recently been bereaved I also think it was very rude of her. Clearly you had gone out of your way to help her as a good friend would. Both of you. To shout about the details of how you had done when it was perfectly safe was rude. I'd let it go obviously at the minute but don't doubt yourself.

Homemadearmy · 18/10/2018 22:34

If the child was more familiar with you and having spent the day with her, I’d have preferred that she would have gone with you in the car. I’d be worried that she would have been distressed going in a strange car With your dh, as you said she is quite clingy.

But in saying that I don’t think you did anything wrong.

AdoraBell · 18/10/2018 22:35

She’s possibly in shock. Add that to grief and stress, she probably doesn’t know which watch is up.

weneedtotalkabouttheNHS · 18/10/2018 22:36

you switch the airbag off for children sitting in the front either forward or backward facing until the child is at least 12. the force of the airbag would shatter the small fragile bones in a child's face. (if you've ever seen airbag injuries in adults you certainly wouldn't want them to happen to a child)

user1981287 · 18/10/2018 22:36

i've always believed you mustn't ever put a child in the front seat of a car fitted with an airbag, because in the event of it deploying in a collision, the strength of impact could cause horrific injuries to small people.

this

64ChewsBrains · 18/10/2018 22:37

I guess the op is worrying about having let her friend down somehow and wants a bit of reassurance from people outside the situation @Howhot; what’s wrong with that? No need to be disdainful.

Don’t worry OP Brew

MakeAHouseAHome · 18/10/2018 22:38

YANBU at all!! I get she is grief stricken but honestly to have a go ayou like that after you have gone totally out of your way is not on.

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