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AIBU?

DP judging everyone by his own impossibly high standards

260 replies

applesandapear · 16/10/2018 22:19

I’ve had enough of my DPs general attitude towards other people. He is constantly judging others based on his own standards and to be honest I’m starting to question if he’s even a good person

Some examples

  1. If the house isn’t impossibly clutter free he acts like I’m disgustingly unclean (I’m not!)
  2. He has a hobby, let’s say cycling as to not be too outing. He can cycle a certain event in say an hour which is a very very good time. The average person would be happy to achieve the same event in say 1.30-1.45 and be very pleased. Someone posted on FB that they did it in 1.48 (huge achievement) and he said it was embarrassing and they should have done better!!
  3. Told me I’m not achieving anything as my priority is raising our children not earning as much money as possible - I’m sorry but raising well rounded happy children is a massive achievement in my book!
  4. Said that I don’t take any responsibility for things because he asked me to call the house insurance about something which I did but he hadn’t fully informed me of what I was actually asking so missed something off. Said I should be an adult take responsibility and find out. My argument was that I cannot read his mind and therefore cannot be expected to ask all questions he wanted if he hadn’t told me!


I think it’s appalling to be honest. Have your own high standards fine but don’t make others feel like s* when their achievements are different to your own!
AIBU???
OP posts:
pictish · 16/10/2018 22:24

No you’re not. He sounds socially inept with little emotional intelligence. People with good social skills and high emotional intelligence understand that others’ achievements are unique to them. It’s not like it’s rocket science. If he can’t grasp that he’s somewhat lacking isn’t he? Despite how highly he clearly regards himself.

SharedLife · 16/10/2018 22:24

YANBU, what are you going to do about it? Sounds exhausting.

RebelRogue · 16/10/2018 22:24

He doesn't have high standards,he's a bullying prick,

Mishappening · 16/10/2018 22:25

Oh leave him and get a life! - why do you sit there taking this crap? He is a total idiot. Is this the example you want set to your children every day? Before you can blink it will be their standards that are not high enough and their lives will be a misery. Get out while you are still young.

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/10/2018 22:26

Yeah he’s just an arsehole. Sorry.

applesandapear · 16/10/2018 22:33

He honestly makes me think I’m being an arse! Like with the cycling thing he sort of said ‘he only did it in 1.48’ and I said well actually I think that’s a good achievement most people would aim for around that and just be pleased they’d completed it at all, I said that most people don’t do it as their hobby and so won’t be as good as him. He said that any grown man should be able to achieve it in 1.15hr and if they didn’t it’s only their own brain stopping them.

My maternity is due to end soon and he thinks it’s outrageous that I think raising my child is more important than my career (which I do have by the way. A degree in my field and way above average earnings for someone of my age etc.) yes I don’t earn as much as him but does that mean I haven’t achieved as much?? He actually said to me ‘I don’t see you achieving anything’

He’s got a way of wording things that make his ridiculous views actually seem justified - he’d make a fantastic salesman

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/10/2018 22:35

Yep he sounds like an arsehole.

Stormtrooper1986 · 16/10/2018 22:39

And why are you still with him?????

AnonaMouse1 · 16/10/2018 22:40

Hold on, you married the bloke.... presumably he's always been this way!

You sound surprised by his behaviour op

Celebelly · 16/10/2018 22:44

Eww, he sounds awful. Do you want your child growing up thinking nothing they do is ever good enough? Because it sounds like that's the lesson he's going to teach.

JamPasty · 16/10/2018 22:44

Horrible example he'll be setting your kids!!

yorkshirepud44 · 16/10/2018 22:45

Sounds like a narcissist wanker I'm afraid. I had one of those..

AllHallowsQueen · 16/10/2018 22:46

Wow, what a dick. Must be exhausting to live with.

steff13 · 16/10/2018 22:47

I can't imagine growing up thinking my father never thought I was good enough. I'm afraid that's what your child is facing. ☹️

InspectorIkmen · 16/10/2018 22:47

He sounds absolutely awful. I couldn’t spend ten minutes in a busy room with such an opinionated arse never mind my whole life.

pictish · 16/10/2018 22:47

Ach the muppet just likes to keep you, as well as other people beneath him to boost his own ego. He needs to feel like he’s something special...it’s sad really. Indicative of some fundamental insecurity he needs to keep on top of. Who knows...maybe his own dad was a critical prick and he’s grown up thinking he has something to prove.

Still a shit fest for you though. What a shame.

buckingfrolicks · 16/10/2018 22:48

And his good points are???

RebelRogue · 16/10/2018 22:48

He thinks he's better than everyone and doesn't respect you. He bigs himself up by putting others down,including you.You're in for a rough ride lovely. He's telling you exactly who he is... an arsehole.

Butterymuffin · 16/10/2018 22:51

I know how he could 'see you achieving something' - telling him to shove his unwanted opinions of you and other people. I assume he's recognised the world over for his prowess in everything ever?

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2018 22:53

No emotional intelligence. I find men like this insufferable - they scorn everybody and everything because they feel inadequate really. I don't pity them as they're nasty, and so very boring.

I'm surprised you married him and thought him good enough to be the father of your child, to be honest. Unless he hid his tedious ways from you very well in earlier days.
.

Raydan · 16/10/2018 22:58

OP he sounds very tiring to live with, I imagine you are worn out. Shit and exhausting. Agree with @pictish on the likely rationale.

You are married with children so probably worth trying to find a way forward. Maybe counselling together where you could try to explain how he comes across and the impact? If there's any good in him he should then try to learn and modify his behaviour.

lifebegins50 · 16/10/2018 22:58

I suspect he thinks your achievement or lack of it (in his eyes) reflects on him.

Sadly this behaviour seems to get worse when dc come along as his values become obvious. I recall thinking the same about Ex, he wasn't a good or kind man. For him outward displays of achievements were vital whereas I believed connections with people were a priority.
Once he felt I didn't reflect on well on him then he became contemptous.This is what you may need to watch for.
I had great job, thriving dc and beautiful home..none of that really mattered to him as much as earning money and having sporting achievements that he could nonchalantly drop into conversation with colleagues. He received some acknowledgement for an event and that spurred him on even more.

Now when I hear of men having amazing achievements I realise how much their partner is likely to have suffered.

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yetmorecrap · 16/10/2018 23:00

He sounds like an uptight prick to be honest, my mums second husband was like this and yet initially he was fun, great job and good looking. Took her a fair old while to realise he was a bit of a fruitcake and yet she stayed married to him. Does he realise OP this is your perception of him or is he oblivious to this because before you think about throwing the towel in I do think you should have a chat about it, he may be mortified that this is how you see him, or he may be a total twat and not get what you are saying at all

Magicmonster · 16/10/2018 23:00

I also have a husband who thinks he’s perfect, berates me for little things and acts as though his way is the only and right way. In our case I think it comes from a place of wanting to feel in control and extremely low emotional intelligence / communication skills. Sounds a bit different to your DP in terms of his specific outlook/priorities, but I just wanted to say I understand and know how difficult and extremely frustrating it is to live with a man who at times seems to have values completely opposite to your own. Obviously others can sit there and say it’s impacting your kids and your sanity and you should leave but only you know exactly how things are and if that’s the best way forward. YANBU for finding his attitude appalling though.

Usernamed · 16/10/2018 23:02

if you are starting to think he is not a good or kind person, then that's a huge issue.

Watch some YouTube videos on narcissists and see if any of it rings true for your partner. They are also good at highlighting general abusive behaviour.

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