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AIBU?

AIBU says he would propose.

71 replies

E5009 · 16/10/2018 10:59

First of all I’ll start by saying this is my first post so apologies, I don’t know the “lingo”.

I have a beautiful 3 month old boy with my boyfriend and since we got together we knew that one day we wanted to marry each other. Whilst I was pregnant I mentioned I didn’t want him to propose as I didn’t want to feel he would propose to me because of our son. Once our little boy arrived my heart burst with love for both our baby and my partner. So much that I asked him to marry me a month or so after I gave birth. He said no, that it was his job to ask me and he needed a ring.

Fast forwarded to why I feel so heartbroken. In a disagreement, I said he wasn’t committed enough to me or our baby to stay in and he splurted “I was going to propose whilst we were away”. On several occasions he’s mentioned proposing on our night away. He said it won’t be a surprise but he is definitely doing it. He’s even mentioned venues, so then, obviously, I’ve looked and essentially been picking things I want for a wedding.

For our birthdays our families had pretty much paid for us to go to London, and do all sorts! Since then my boyfriend says he isn’t going to propose and even told my mum he needs to feel more secure in our relationship because I’ve been so emotional lately. It has broken my heart. Being a woman, and being a catholic he knows how important and how much I’ve wanted to marry him. I just feel angry, heart broken and embarrassed that I’d built so much excitement up in my mind. It feels like I was going to have everything and now our relationship needs to start from scratch. And this only happened this weekend.

Next weekend I’m supposed to be going to London and I am dreading it. I feel so low and so upset I feel like I don’t want to go. I will be far away from my baby and will have to come to terms I’ll be coming back with a boyfriend not a fiancé.

Am I being stupid here? And should I get over this? I’m not sure if it’s my hormones and starting birth control and periods again. I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling like this but I feel utterly broken. I am honestly looking for advice even if it is brutal.

OP posts:
Charm23 · 16/10/2018 11:07

I can appreciate that you are impatient to marry him but in all honesty I think you should just try to calm down and accept he doesn't want to feel pushed into it and will do it when he's ready. I think it's nice that he wants to do it and obviously has a plan so just give him time. If I were you I'd spend this time enjoying your new baby and your boyfriend and try not to mention it again.

AuntBeastie · 16/10/2018 11:08

I don’t think he’s being very fair - he’s given you false expectations by saying he will propose and then not doing so. And it now sounds like he doesn’t want to commit and is punishing you for being emotional.

In total fairness it does sound like you have been very up and down about the idea yourself, which might have contributed to the overall heightened emotions of the situation. But I think it sounds like his commitment is wavering.

I think you need to have a calm discussion with him about whether he seriously sees you having a future together, and if so why he isn’t willing to commit to marriage. It may be upsetting if you find out that he doesn’t want to marry you, but that will be better than him dangling you on a string.

BumDisease · 16/10/2018 11:11

Why can't you ask him?

Santaclarita · 16/10/2018 11:11

I don't think he's going to propose now to be honest. But if he's going to, you'll need to calm down and back off from trying to force him to do it.

Justanothernameonthepage · 16/10/2018 11:13

I'm sorry you're feeling this.
Honestly, I don't think you should marry him.
He knows it's important to you. You asked and he said no. He keeps on suggesting it's going to happen - but only when you magically get to a certain point.
It's ok to want to be married. As long as you aren't regularly bursting into tears and crawling after him begging to get married, then it's ok to be clear about what you want. It's ok to be emotional - especially when it's about becoming a family. It's not ok to keep dangling what your partner wants on front of them and then snatching it away.

I would have a think about if you want to be constantly trying to 'win' a proposal from someone who is reluctant to formally commit to his family. Or if you'd rather have a co-parent relationship and find someone who actually wants you as you are.

Barbie222 · 16/10/2018 11:15

Take a cold hard look at the future - what if you're still dangling in 5 years time? I'm not sure I like the look of how he's behaving. Maybe you need to start living separately and say it's this or marriage.

Justanothernameonthepage · 16/10/2018 11:16

I would also tell him that right now, you don't want to marry someone who is so flaky and indesisive. You want someone who will either be upfront about not wanting to be married or someone who wants the same thing you do. That he has to take some time to decide what he wants while you do the same.

categed · 16/10/2018 11:17

You are both getting used to a new way of living with your baby. As hard as it is step back and try to enjoy yourself, try to forgwt about weddings and find tge joy in being together. Then if it is all ok things may fall into place without you realising.

Sammymommy · 16/10/2018 11:19

Why make such a big deal of the proposal if you both know it will happen? Why use it as "blackmail" against you? It's all pretty childish and I don't think he has any intention to marry you (sorry to be blunt).

He needs to feel more secure in your relationship???? You have a child together ffs

bridgetreilly · 16/10/2018 11:19

I really don't understand why either of you are making such a big deal about the proposal. If you both want to get married, do it.

Bluntness100 · 16/10/2018 11:20

Why can't you ask him?

She did ask him. It's in the op. How could you miss it? Confused

CaptSkippy · 16/10/2018 11:20

WTF? You proposed and his response was one of old-fashioned sexism.
He then keeps saying he'll propose and never does it. It seems that he likes being controlling and won't leave any joint decisions up to you.

Are you sure you want to marry a man like that? Would that be a good example for your child? Personally, I think you can and do deserve much better than what he is offering, which is basically nothing.

Godimsounimaginative · 16/10/2018 11:20

Double bluff! Keep your cool, dont mention it again. He's said he want to surprise you and you keep ruining it by talking about it. If he doesn't propose after the weekend then rethink it. But I think he's trying to trick you into being surprised.

BumDisease · 16/10/2018 11:21

"She did ask him. It's in the op. How could you miss it?"

I do beg your pardon.

In that case, OP, he has no intention of asking you. Sorry.

Mookatron · 16/10/2018 11:24

He wants to be more secure in your relationship? But he has felt secure enough to have a child with you?

He is treating you like a child. His next step is giving you a star chart with a star every time you are not too emotional (defined by him). When the star chart is full.. he might marry you?

No. This stops now. Don't accept him dangling marriage like it's a prize for something undefined. It would be ultimatum time in our house - proper, see-it-through ultimatum time. Marry me or leave.

Are you working?

BlueKarou · 16/10/2018 11:30

Hmm... I would give it 6 months - things are likely to be a bit unsettled after having a baby (congratulations, by the way) and he could be dealing with that poorly.

Don't tell him he's got a deadline, but also don't mention proposals, marriage, etc. Do, however, start thinking about what you're going to do if the 6 months passes and no proposal has been forthcoming. Is this a big enough gamechanger for you to end the relationship? Or is it just something you need to know and to adjust your expectations? Use the next 6 months to get your head together, and to give him a chance to come through on his promise.

If no proposal comes, then in April next year you mention it to him again, ask whether he's ever going to propose, or if this is it.

eelbecomingforyou · 16/10/2018 11:36

@BumDisease. She did ask him. RTFT!

I don't like how your bf is acting. It looks to me like he's just putting you off and he has no intention of asking you to marry him. He's mentioned proposing several times - dangling a carrot for you to kepe you happy, and keep you on your toes wondering when he'll do it. Fair enough if he doesn't feel ready to, but then he shouldn't be teasing you.

Decide how long you're happy to live like this. Whether you're happier being with him and not married, or whether you'd prefer to live apart. You could think about giving him an ultimatum. That might focus his mind.

BumDisease · 16/10/2018 11:37

@eelbecomingforyou

You read the fucking thread, I already replied to someone pointing that out!

E5009 · 16/10/2018 11:42

Thank you all. I feel less crazy now. We have been living separately these last few days with the ocassional visit to see his son and the time apart has let me calm down. I also don’t think he has intentions of asking me but having said it I’d just got my hopes up. I’m glad it’s ok not to feel ok about it!

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 16/10/2018 11:43

I agree with Bluekarou.

Use the next 6 months to focus on you and your little one. Are you going back to work? That’s really important to do if you are not married. You need to be able to support yourself financially.
Focus on recovering from childbirth and enjoying your little one. Then in 6 months if there is no proposal I would leave. Don’t let him keep you dangling with emotional blackmail. You have one life. If he can’t propose in 6 months the chances are not great that he ever will.

Best wishes

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2018 11:44

I think he's taking the piss.

On the one hand, saying it matters to you because you're a catholic and then being happy to live together, have a baby and specifically telling him not to propose when you were pregnant suggests you actually weren't that bothered, so he might have been getting mixed messages.

On the other, he's enjoying the power he has over you now you're clear you want a proposal and you want it asap. Don't end up in a really unpleasant dynamic where it's the carrot he dangles over your head which you'll get when you're" good enough", he's secure enough, you're less emotional and doing everything the way he wants. That's unhealthy and sets a horrible tone for your life together.

Getting married shouldn't be something he bestows upon you when he deems you worthy. You presumably made a joint decision to have your baby, I don't see why you can't make a joint decision to get married. But if you're keen on a proposal and he's got some sort of arcane idea about it all being up to him, then you're in a bit of a bind tbh.

flamingofridays · 16/10/2018 11:45

he's not going to propose.

he is just going to keep saying he will so you behave like a good girl and don't mention it. he will just use it to stay in control

(speaking from experience)

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Santaclarita · 16/10/2018 11:46

Don't be surprised if you break up with him that he marries someone else within a year. Men seem to be OK with doing that. I think losing the first woman shocks them into a panic and they go running after the first woman that will have them.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/10/2018 11:47

Has this got anything to do with him owning the property in his name only?

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 16/10/2018 11:49

Getting married shouldn't be something he bestows upon you when he deems you worthy.

Exactly. He could be using this for years to keep you in line.

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