Was I too harsh? What to do now...(101 Posts)
In my early twenties I was friends (ONLY friends) with a guy, and from that his partner too. They had a young daughter who I used to visit regularly, help out with small things as and when. At the time I was earning OK money working in a hotel while studying, with almost no outgoings. So when he asked me to borrow 50€ for a week, I gave him 100€ and said I would ask for it back when I needed it, no worries.
Skip forward two years, I got married to DH. They were invited to the wedding including daughter, had ordered special menu for her, high chair etc sitting on a table with other friends. They bailed last minute. Like the day before. I can't even remember the excuse now as at the time I was too busy and focused on other things (it wasn't illness or an accident anything major like that) so just said ok no worries and didn't really think about it too much more.
About 9 months later, now with a daughter of our own, DH and I found ourselves short before the end of the month, so I messaged friend and asked for the 100€ back within the next two weeks. Explained how it was urgent due to not being able to pay rent. Instead of saying no, or explaining he kept saying yeah yeah and arranging to transfer or meet me and then not following through, so it wasn't until the v last minute that he admitted he didn't have it and I had to sell our telly instead.
It felt so hurtful that he had let me be in trouble, when I had helped him out. Part of me thinks, if he didn't have the money what could he do? At the time I just told him I was disappointed, that he had let me down and ignored him from there on out. Didn't feel majorly upset over it all, just chalked it up to experience and put him on the "not real friends" pile.
Fast forward five years and last night at 1am I got an email from him asking to get in touch, that he wanted to know how we were and left me a phone number. I know through the grape vine that he has had a second child, as have we. We did used to be good friends and have a laugh, so now am wondering what to do...
Part of me thinks I haven't missed his friendship in these years and he did leave me on my arse with the loaned money. And another part of me thinks we have all grown up now, situations are different and it might be nice to get back in touch.
Well the cynical part of me would think they're going to ask to borrow money.
I think asking for 100 euro back nearly 3 years later is fine (though I'm not sure I would in these specific circumstances) but within 2 weeks is a bit short notice tbh.
Yep, first thought was he’s after more money when reading your post.
I would get in touch, he has went out of his way to contact you and must have been thinking of you.
at the time he was possibly embarrassed that he couldn't pay you back or behind the scenes desperately trying to scrap the €100 together or he could have just been a CF and have no intention of paying. Only you would know what he was really like.
I would be wary though the first inclining of him asking to borrow money or anything remotely along those like I would cut contact again.
Did you ever get the original 100 back?
You haven't missed his friendship. He has shown he doesn't value you as a friend by not turning up an your wedding and not repaying loaned money. What can he possibly offer your life now?
You gave him 2 weeks to pay it back after a few years? He'd prob forgotten all about it tbh and just didn't want to let you down but didn't have it spare.
Shame that you haven't been close for 5 yrs. I'd put it behind you now though, just don't lend any money again.
I'd contact him to find out what he had to say for himself.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me!
No, I never got the original money back, but also cut contact with him so don't know if he tried. To be fair, he managed to get in touch with me now, so could have done then if he really tried! Plus he had my bank details.
The message literally said "Hi Sunday, its X, can we talk? 123 is my number, really want to know how you are, please drop me a message if you can", like I said at 1am.
I’d get in touch to say, well It took you long enough to finally contact me to pay back my 100! Here’s my paypal info. Please send today.
Sorry if this sounds drip feedy, but the OP was already getting way too long. Her family have loads of money, think house in the alps for ski trips etc. But when they got together they didn't approve, so he didn't want to ask them for help with the baby, money etc. By the time we went out of contact they were all chummy, holidaying together with the loaded inlaws etc, so am pretty sure he could have got his hands on 100€ rather than see me unable to pay rent... still not sure if I was BU to ask for it back, but I needed it, wasn't just a whim cos I decided I wanted it back!
Since you didn’t get the money back and assuming he’s not contacting you to arrange to give it back, I’d tell him to do one personally.
You can't give someone 2 weeks notice to pay money back from years ago
If someone messages you at 1am they’re either drunk or unable to sleep as they’ve got some issues... maybe money problems.
Up to you. Do you really value this friendship? Could you meet up/chat with him knowing he still owes you money and royally fucked you over when you needed him?
I do think two weeks to pay a very old debt isn’t great though. But if he promised and then let you down at the last minute then he knew he was dropping you in it.
Bet you he needs something. Odds on its more money
Reply with your bank account details and say you really need your money back that you lent him.
I would message him/meet him but make it clear you expect the money back and cut contact if he doesn’t deliver.
He should have paid you the money back without being asked. That said, asking for it years later with 2 weeks notice was probably not the best way to recoup your money. He should have offered whatever he could, but I suppose there’s a chance that they have nothing left over at the end of the month. It also costs money to go to a wedding with a gift and outfits, so maybe this was his issue too. What her family have to with anything, I don’t know.
I’d try to get in touch and keep it friendly and see if he offers you the money. If he is otherwise a fun friend you should consider not letting money spoil the friendship, but of course NEVER lend them anything again.
I'd guess the wife has left and he's feeling lonely and sad and wondering where it all went wrong and who can he dump his load of angst on.
He asked you for €50 and you gave him €100. Why? It wasn't necessary - you are obviously generous.
It wasn't reasonable of him not to pay it back - he should have paid it back as soon as he could without waiting for you to ask for it.
That said, you were unreasonable to give him two weeks notice to pay the money back after a couple of years. Not everyone can whip up 100 Euros at a couple of weeks notice.
Maybe he wants to make amends now - maybe he valued the friendship and thinks it is a shame that it drifted because of 100 Euros.
If you want to get back in touch with him then reply and if you're not bothered, don't.
Sorry, I expect they want some cash. In later years I've taken Judge Judy's (love that woman) advice and don't loan money unless I can afford to lose it. So generally I'll give it and say its not a loan its a gift, dont worry about paying it back. Small sums though, up to £100. Takes the stress out of trying to get it back and, so far, nobodys ever asked me twice. Nor have they offered to return it though!
I would reply with your bank details and say I presume your getting in touch to finally pay me back.
You were fine to give them two weeks notice, you leant the money with the agreement that when you needed it back you would ask.
So contacting at 1.00am wanting to rekindle friendship when he has firm for letting you down before?
My first thought was that he either needs money or he has separated from his wife.
I think I'd have to message back with "That's great! So you finally have that 100 euros for me, I'm so pleased - looking forward to seeing you"
IF he's genuine, he'll carry on and give you the money back.
If he's not, or actually (can't believe it but you never know) trying to borrow more money, you'll never hear from him again.
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