Please help me understand their thinking

[ScornedDIL]

The aibu is not about my husband. Please don’t give me LTB. I know it’s a shitty relationship.

What I want to understand is the in Laws thought processes.

I wanted to get perspective from a different angle especially older generation and In-Laws.

I’ll try not to be too long winded.

I had a friend - call him Bob growing up who had a large birthmark across his face and had quite low self esteem. His family just decided to pretend there was nothing wrong.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship. Bob and I became close after the end of my relationship and eventually married when my daughter was 5. She is now 11.

Last year my husband had a nervous breakdown. He was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. His parents had planned a holiday to the Cotswolds and I was shocked they did not cancel.

I dealt with this alone. When he was recovering he admitted that the stress of living a double life had caused him to have a breakdown. He said that he had never imagined anyone would be able to see past his facial disfigurement and had started using prostitutes when he was a young man. He used them during our marriage.

This was a shock and I asked him to move out of our rented house. His parents swooped in and said that as their son is the high earner it is his house. They said me and my daughter should move 3 hours away to my parents house. I would have to quit my job and dd leave a school she is doing well at. I said ‘If you think I’m leaving my home you have another think coming.’


Eventually he moved into their house which is an hour away and he could still commute to work. He lived there for 3 months then rented a studio flat.

After therapy we are trying to mend the relationship and he has moved back to the family home. His parents said I am banned from their house. At Christmas they sent a card addressed only to Bob. Not me and completely ignored my daughter who called them grandma and grandpa for five years. They ignored her birthday. They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

A few weeks later we drove to their house to try and talk. They said I am not allowed in. His sister has taken the same line. My daughter was not invited to the usual cousins birthday party. Also a Christmas card to her brother only but not me or dd. I phoned her and asked why they were doing that and she said ‘I had spoken to her parents very rude and disrespectfully to them’.

I have apologised to them saying ‘it was obviously a stressful time and their saying I should leave my home when I had done nothing wrong was unfair but I’m sorry I had a rude tone speaking to you.’ They still will not speak to me and it’s coming up to two years now.

Dh is useless. He won’t ever do against his parents and is scared of his dad. It’s not a good relationship but to leave would be too much upheaval for me.

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

[ProudThrilledHappy]

What are you currently getting out of the relationship?

[Nissemand]

A parent will always put their child above a child's partner. You are nothing to them.

That's what it comes down to every time.

Your partner paying women to have sex with him, well..

[AlphaBravo]

Why even try and repair it? There is nothing to repair. It was all a lie.

[PorkFlute]

God I can understand them being off with you if they have a different view in which you are to blame for their son going off the rails or whatever? But to not acknowledge their own grandchild?????

[CripsSandwiches]

They're just nasty self centred people who value their own ego's above the thoughts and feelings of other members of their family. They won't change.

[tillytop]

Discounting dh's behaviour, which I think you want us to do, I am in my 60's and your in laws are behaving disgustingly. The way they're treating you is bad enough but to treat their 11 year old step granddaughter like this is emotional abuse. They're toxic, not normal and the situation stinks. Poor DD. Get rid or move away.
For the sake of your daughter. Pigs!! I wouldn't even treat a neighbour's girl like this never mind family. I'm upset and fuming for you, OP. If dh can't or won't support you and DD in this, then seriously reconsider your marriage. Your DD'S well being comes first.

[RuggerHug]

They are putting their son first, you put your daughter first. Your relationship with your husband is independent of them. Don't bother with them and don't expect anything. Good luck.

[gothefcktosleep]

I don’t understand what they had to do with your living arrangements? The rented family home has absolutely nothing to do with them... and to want to kick a mother and child out says enough about them. Not sure why you would want to reconcile.

[TheSecretiveOne]

Cut them off. You don’t need to drive to their house, or try to make amends and apologise for something you have nothing to apologise about.

[Caselgarcia]

To ignore you daughter after she has formed a relationship with them calling them grandparents is unforgiveable. Why do you want a relationship with these people? I wouldn't want to be in the same room as them.

[sourpatchkid]

Because they are knobs. Why are you looking for more. They're just not nice. To be honest, I don't care what they do to you (no offence) but treating your daughter that way is horrible! Fuck them, she deserves better

[DianaPrincessOfThemyscira]

Honestly why bother? Just accept they're arseholes who hate you and ignore them. They don't deserve your friendship or kindness.

[ScornedDIL]

They are very churchy and used to have digs at me for not being interested in going. How do they reconcile the way they treat my child with what they (presumably) hear once a week at church?

[BewareOfDragons]

Your DH isn't a bastard, so not LTB.

But.

He's also too weak to be a good role model for your child.
He's too weak to stand up for you.
He's not someone you should want to keep in your life because he is choosing not to be there for you when it counts

I'm sorry, OP. But honestly, he's let this go on for TWO YEARS of your and your child's life ...

[Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername]

Do you have my in-laws? Yours sound very much like mine. I cut mine out of mine and my DCs life 7 years ago. Their loss, and we've never missed them.

[Wildheartsease]

Sorry to hear about this. However, perhaps you are better without them if their regard for you was so slight.

You could always terrify them by dropping in at their church with your daughter one Sunday :) .

[SandAndSea]

Why is his family being so horrible to me and taking it out on a child?

Because they're assholes.

I've spent a lot of time asking similar questions to you. My friend said this to me and I didn't get it at first. I was so committed to understanding what was going on, I just kept asking, "But why...?" Eventually, I came to accept it. Not everyone is reasonable and you can't reason with the unreasonable.

[GunpowderGelatine]

OP I'm afraid sometimes there's no rhyme or reason for people behaving that way - sometimes, it's just because they're cunts, plain and simple

[SandAndSea]

Here's another answer which might help.

Perhaps it feels better to them to make you the target for their bad feelings, rather than having to face up to their feelings about their son?

They sound like people who avoid dealing with painful things.

Targeting you might be easier for them and give them a feeling of relief from their more difficult feelings. It has also served to unify them.

Just some thoughts.

[Smallhorse]

You are asking the wrong questions.
You won’t ever understand your in laws because they don’t make sense.

You can leave , you know.

[SandAndSea]

They said that I had offended them when I was rude to them.

From what you've written, this sounds like bullshit. It's like they're complaining because your back hurt their knife! Don't fall for it.

[kateandme]

this says everything abut them and nothing on you.its in their minds the rot not urs.dont take it on.and now work to protect your daughter from taking it on and thinking it has anything do with her.
some people are toxic.and ur dp not fighting your corner is also reinforcing it to a certain extent.
sounds like they have done some damage to him though so iwould seriously be wondering why you want their validation in the first place and not infact actively seeking ways to keep away from them.far away for I wouldn't ever want them making my dd feel how they have ur dp and her future mimic his because of this.
if a friend was being treated like this what would you say.how would you advice?take this on.
they have chosen to act like this.but you choose now how to react.i no its easier said than done when people are treating you and those you love badly.it really bloody hurts.and we all yearn to be love and accepted from those in our lives.but there comes appoint you have to ask yourself whether they or this worry is worth it.and whether the burden lifted and the freedom from them would actually feel so much better.

[PorkFlute]

In terms of understanding their motives, demonising you likely makes it easier for them to condone their sons awful behaviour.

[tillytop]

I think OP and DD are scapegoats. You need to part ways with them for the sake of your DD, as difficult as that may be. They are disgusting and sickening. I had to go NC with my own toxic parents 20 years ago. Difficult, but definitely worth it.

[Honeyroar]

Enough apologising, you've tried, they haven't, don't waste your breath.

As for your husband, he's cheated, lied, let you and your child be treated badly. Why would you put any more into this relationship?

You say it would be an upheaval, but sometimes an upheaval leads to a much better future.