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AIBU?

DH wants his mum and grandma in the waiting room during my labour

498 replies

moleymoleyOO · 25/09/2018 19:14

We are due to have our first child in November. We just went on a labour ward tour and the nurse recommended two birthing partners, one being female. I asked DH how he would feel about my mum being there and he said it would make it difficult for him with his mum.

He already asked if his mum and elderly grandma could wait in the waiting room during my labour (they live five minutes from the hospital) and I told him that it was too much pressure, we don't know how long it's going to take and we can ring them as soon as there's news. I also told him I waned to have a couple of hours with myself, him and the baby after the birth before visitors- a few hours! Not too much to ask surely?

Well tonight he has started on again about having MIL and GMIL in the hospital saying it won't affect me, I won't see them and they want to be there. My problem is we won't get any time to ourselves after the birth as if they've been pacing around the hospital we can't just ignore them once the baby is born. I just think he's being so unreasonable and unrealistic as to what labour and childbirth is actually like and it's also making me angry that MIL is pushing for this to happen when she is a stone's throw from the hospital anyway so won't need to be waiting there.

Friends of mine have had labours that have gone on for days and he knows that, and I would actually like to have a few hours cuddling my newborn before handing her over to family members for the inevitable photos. I now feel like I can't have my mum there but to be honest I think if I can't put my own needs first during childbirth then when can I?

AIBU to say no to them waiting in the hospital?

OP posts:
juneau · 25/09/2018 19:17

Stick to your guns OP. First time labours tend to be long (mine was 16 hours, SIL's was three days!), and realistically no one wants to be sat in a hospital corridor for hours and hours on end - it's boring and frustrating and uncomfortable. Your reasoning is spot on and your DH is being annoying, quite frankly. Tell him when HE is the one to give birth he can have whoever he wants there, including a brass band and a circus, but while it's YOU giving birth then you get to decide who is there!

maxthemartian · 25/09/2018 19:18

YANBU at all. Your mum will be there to support you, the patient. Your DH should be supporting you too ffs.

NotANotMan · 25/09/2018 19:18

The nurse recommended two birth partners? Seriously?

Why do you need your mum there?

MissBartlettsconscience · 25/09/2018 19:18

Yanbu. I hadn't really realised when DD was born how long it would take before I was ready for visitors - after she was born there was the placenta to deliver and then a few stitches - I wouldn't have wanted anyone to see me until I got to the ward. If your mil and gmil are there, do you want them seeing the aftermath?

My mum arrived during the tidying up process and the look of grossed out ness on her face ruined it a bit for me - I'd have preferred her not to be there either at that point.

Tink2007 · 25/09/2018 19:18

Definitely not being unreasonable. There is no need for them to be waiting in the waiting room. My MIL wanted to do this. She didn’t do it after I told my DH no.

As if there isn’t enough pressure!

NotANotMan · 25/09/2018 19:19

YANBU though to think it's mad for them to be in the waiting room. Why would they? They can only visit during visiting hours, you won't want them in there right after the birth while you're being cleaned up, they are 5 minutes away. Mad.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2018 19:20

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Your husband is being ridiculous and making what should be a private experience into an ordeal full of tension and stress. From my experience, the last thing you will want is your MIL flouncing into the birthing suite moments after giving birth. She can wait a few bloody hours.

SilverLining10 · 25/09/2018 19:20

Yanbu! He is being horribly ridiculous about this. It's not about his mother or grandmother at all. How selfish of them all to make it about them. You are the one giving birth and whatever makes YOU feel comfortable that's what he needs to abide by.

As you said If not now then when are you a priority. I would absolutely not allow them at all in the delivery room and only allow your mum. The cheek of them .

Jayfee · 25/09/2018 19:20

You have the say, not him. As first labours can be long, tell him they can be contacted when you have the baby and come over an hour later

Janleverton · 25/09/2018 19:20

I didn’t know that people still did this other than on American tv shows. You are totally not being unreasonable. I would have hated having people turn out to wait for me to give birth - it would have felt like I needed to get a move on to ease their wait and would have introduced something that really could have done without worrying about.

Also. If you want your mother there for certain, then she should be there (I didn’t and mine wasn’t and I don’t think she would have wanted to). You don’t have to “balance it up” with your mother in law. Your mother would be there for you rather than the baby and as the labouring mother if support from your mother is wanted it should be available to you. I understand that if he doesn’t want your mother there then that’s more tricky, but if he doesn’t want your mother there because his mother isn’t, then that’s just tough.

Harrykanesrightsock · 25/09/2018 19:20

No just no.

Bambamber · 25/09/2018 19:20

He is not the one giving birth, he does not get to choose who is there.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/09/2018 19:20

Yanbu. Say MIL can be the first visitor of the new baby. If you want your Mum supporting you in labour then have it.

PotteringAlong · 25/09/2018 19:20

They probably won’t be allowed. No waiting in the hospital I gave birth in!

Also I don’t think 2 birthing partners is usual. You definitely don’t need to have 2 if you don’t want to.

JensenElephant · 25/09/2018 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2018 19:22

I suggest letting your husband read this thread. Maybe then he'll realise what a tit he's being.

Feefeetrixabelle · 25/09/2018 19:22

You are expelling a baby from your vagina or via surgery. Your choice what happens. It’s one of the few times you can say my way or the highway.

Explain to him he can be there with your mum if he is comfy with that. Or just him on his own. No mil and gil. Tell them now you will call them once your ready for visitors. If they show up before say they will be asked to leave as it isn’t fair on the hospital to fill up the waiting room.

pumkinspicetime · 25/09/2018 19:22

My MIL came to hospital with us, she was due to leave but everything went very quickly and she ended up seeing far more of me than she ever wanted to! As they are so close there is no need for them to wait.

UnicornSparkles1 · 25/09/2018 19:23

No. There is absolutely no reason for them to be there. How ridiculous. Tell your H to support you or he can wait at home too.

Do you actually want your mum there or is it just because they suggested having another birthing partner?

WineGummyBear · 25/09/2018 19:23

I'm astounded that he thinks it's ok to ask a second time when you have already said no.

He needs to educate himself about what labour involves and remember that these decisions are yours alone. He needs to have your back throughout this.

Can you ask your midwife to have a word?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 25/09/2018 19:23

My step mum dragged my dad to wait at the hospital when I was in labour. My dad had to see me being wheeled over to the labour ward. It was awful. Then I knew they were out there so felt like I had to invite them in as soon as DS was born and invite mil along as they only lived around the corner.
Stick to your guns.

ShowOfHands · 25/09/2018 19:23

I was in labour for 31 hours with my first and ended up with a crash cs, haemorrhage and emergency surgery. DD was injured too and I needed a transfusion. It was tough enough seeing people the next day. The same day was unthinkable.

YOU are the patient op. Your DH needs to understand that very quickly indeed.

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BumpInTheOven · 25/09/2018 19:23

It's your labour, your choice...

I would advise him that if he doesn't listen you will uninvite him!! No-body has the right to be there... it's all up to you.. and who you choose x

Maybethistime8 · 25/09/2018 19:24

I didn't tell anybody that I was in labour for fear of my mil waiting in the waiting room With a packed lunch. The birth should be a private moment between you and your partner (and 1 other birthing partner if that's your wishes). Definitely not with an audience sat waiting for a blow by blow run down of what's happening!

Catmatrat · 25/09/2018 19:24

Hell no. So stressful having people outside judging your choices and how long things are taking. Don’t do it!!!

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