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AIBU to be a bit concerned by DHs FB Friends?

(38 Posts)
LateLatte Mon 24-Sep-18 11:00:34

DH works with young people and in one of his roles he works alongside 19/20/21 year olds, although he is senior to them, they do a similar supervisory role of younger teenagers (think a summer camp). Obviously he spends a good few weeks with these people and builds up friendships, he's a fun kinda guy with low inhibitions so has always been popular. When he was younger he was one of the best looking in his year group and all his female friends were the super pretty popular type. I have no issue with that because I am flattered he picked me when he could have had his pick!

Now we are in our early thirties and I notice a lot of the young people he has worked with in the last are now late teens and early twenties. Ditto for the older ones. He has a lot of these - particularly females - on his Facebook. I think girls tend to add more than boys naturally as I think girls form stronger bonds with people if I generalise. But so many of these girls are the popular, stunning type he would have been friends with and fancied when he was younger.

He has a duty of care and I believe he remains professional but AIBU to feel a bit hmmm 🤔 about it? He's still a man and he could easily develop a crush/thing with a twenty one year old and it not be all that abnormal! When I was younger I would have questioned how he knew, and why he had, each and every one of those girls on his FB but I'm older now and a lot more chilled and less paranoid but some of these girls are popping up on my 'People You May Know' and it is playing on my mind.

In his defence he is a brilliant father and attentive husband. I have no reason to believe he has done anything wrong. He is of a 'bantery' nature - before the term banter was commonly known I would say he was flirty but he would be the same with a 70 year old man IYSWIM!

Johndoe10 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:17:47

So do you mean the teenagers her looked after are now in his facebook?

There are two ways of looking at this

1) a bloke I knew (in his late 20, early 30s) used to be a gym manager at a sports Center I used to work at. He purposely added the the junior gym girls when they hit 16. The younger crowd at work thought he was a laugh - the older crowd (me and other women) thought he was a creep. He ended up with a 17 year old. I strongly see that as grooming.

2) if he strongly develops a crush on one of these people then your well rid. Although even though it makes you feel uncomfortable you can’t choose who he has on his facebook - that’s just the type of person he is.

TheOneWith Mon 24-Sep-18 11:20:06

Your DH sounds like exactly the kind of man I wouldn’t want supervising my teenage daughter at summer camp.

InspectorIkmen Mon 24-Sep-18 11:23:49

Is he not bound by professional guidelines re social media? I don’t think he should have these young people as friends on FB at all. To me that seems all kinds of wrong and totally inappropriate

Neverender Mon 24-Sep-18 11:26:57

No he shouldn't have them on his personal Facebook. It's unprofessional and creepy.

Bambamber Mon 24-Sep-18 11:27:01

I know a couple of men (And women) that will literally accept every single friend request without a second thought. Could it be he is not really thinking about what he is doing?

Would you be so bothered if they weren't the 'pretty, popular type'. If it's bothering you then you need to speak to him about it and raise the fact it can look odd if an older bloke keeps adding younger females that he previously worked with. I wouldn't mention concerns about him developing a crush, as if he is going to get a crush on a younger lady they wouldn't need to be his friend on Facebook.

RangeRider Mon 24-Sep-18 11:27:06

If they weren't attractive would you care? I suspect not and therefore I don't think it's an issue. Bear in mind the desire that so many people (and particularly younger people) have to maximise the number of FB friends they can show I'd assume that this is why he's been added by most. And the rest just think he's decent.
Just because something could be dodgy doesn't mean it is. Most men aren't actually paedophiles or looking to shag the next woman with a pulse that they see when they're happily married.

Claw001 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:27:23

‘Girls’ are not adding ‘boys’ in your Dp’s case he is grown arse 30+ man, not a boy.

It’s not appropriate.

PositiveVibez Mon 24-Sep-18 11:30:45

Your DH sounds like exactly the kind of man I wouldn’t want supervising my teenage daughter at summer camp

This times a million, and to describe him as 'bantery', makes him sound even more ewwwww.

womanintrousers Mon 24-Sep-18 11:33:34

I work with teenagers and young adults and have a strict policy about not accepting social media requests. It is highly unusual not to have guidelines for everyones safeguarding.

fdgdfgdfgdfg Mon 24-Sep-18 11:45:36

Either I or most of you are reading the OP wrong. The way I'm reading it, these young people aren't children that have been looked after. They are adult colleagues of the OPs DH. Yes, they're on the younger side, but they are still adults, and he has no duty of care to them that he wouldn't have if they were the same age as him.

I'm male and manage a team of 5 other men. I'm 35, one of them is the same age as me and the rest range from 19 to 25. I'm friends on Facebook with all of them as they've all added me at various points. Is that wrong? Or is it fine because we're all male nerdy techy types. Does it only become wrong when the younger colleagues are attractive women? Seems slightly hypocritical.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls Mon 24-Sep-18 11:46:14

I think it is highly unusual that someone in a supervisor type role who has a "professional duty of care" to these younger people would want to add them to his social media.

It is fine to have work colleagues on social media but it the "duty of care" element that makes makes me feel that this specific situation is inappropriate. He may well have them on restricted settings so they can't see what he is posting but it would still make me feel uncomfortable.

Claw001 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:49:55

Now we are in our early thirties and I notice a lot of the young people he has worked with in the past are now late teens and early twenties

He has a duty of care and I believe he remains professional

I read it as children who he looked after, were now teens and he has them as friends.

LateLatte Mon 24-Sep-18 11:50:21

I don't know if he has added them or they have added him. I expect it will be them adding him, he's not big on Facebook. I feel a bit defensive of him now with people saying they wouldn't want him working with their teenage girls! Why? He hasn't actually done anything, has high morals and can engage young people. He has a brilliant reputation in his industry and is requested by name often when he is subcontracted through other companies.

I'm not sure why someone who gets on well with people, can adapt to all ages and 'banters' with people = creepy??

I do agree with your approach @Bambamber but I honestly believe he is of an innocent nature and will not believe that people would see it that way but he does listen to me on these matters.

There is no policy as he is a freelancer.

Some of the more negative responses have actually been helpful, in putting me in a defensive(of him) role I realise he will see this innocently and just needs it pointing out smile

LateLatte Mon 24-Sep-18 11:52:36


You have that right. I'm pretty sure the girls/women are colleagues, some who may have previously been part of the 'summercamp' as younger teens and returned as leaders for a summer job.

LateLatte Mon 24-Sep-18 11:54:53

Camp 'delegates' are typically 15,16,17. Assistants are 18/19/20 mostly buy some are older. He is then a leader and will work with a team of assistants on residentials so as I said they will all become quite close and form a bond.

fdgdfgdfgdfg Mon 24-Sep-18 11:55:22

@Claw001 - Thats what I was trying to get at in my previous post. I think you and a few others have got the wrong end of the stick.

From the following:

"in one of his roles he works alongside 19/20/21 year olds, although he is senior to them, they do a similar supervisory role of younger teenagers (think a summer camp)."

I'm parsing it as follows: OPs DH manages a group of young adults. The young adults look after a group of children.

Now obviously if the OPs DH had the children on his Facebook, that would be innapropriate. However I don't think thats the case. OPs DH has a load of (young) adult colleagues on his Facebook. Not innapropriate.

fdgdfgdfgdfg Mon 24-Sep-18 11:56:25

@LateLatte Sorry, cross posted with you.

Johndoe10 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:57:07

late I think you come looking for the wrong replies. Did you expect people to say ‘oh those girls throwing themselves at a good looking man! Poor bloke! Or ‘oh dear one of those popular girls may force him to have a crush on her’

He has made friends with the teenagers he was changed with looking after.

I work with kids, have done for well over ten years and I don’t have a single pupil on my list - young or old.

If it’s making you uncomfortable you probably see why people have made these responses but you don’t want to admit it. Meh.

TheOneWith Mon 24-Sep-18 11:57:21

fdgdfgdfgdfg I read it just fine thanks, he supervises young teenagers at summer camp and once they get a little bit older he adds them on Facebook.

Claw001 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:57:53

Why does your DP have a duty of care to his work colleagues?

Johndoe10 Mon 24-Sep-18 11:58:38

And I think it’s really telling that you over emphasise who good looking your man is, how lucky you are that he choose you. Your trying to blame teenagers for catching your blokes attention.

Get some self esteem

Looneytune253 Mon 24-Sep-18 12:00:02

I think I have picked this up differently to the others. He’s adding his younger colleagues is that right? If so I wouldn’t worry about it unless you have reason to doubt him. They’re adults, he’s an adult and if you trust him then surely it’s no different to adding someone of his own age?

serbska Mon 24-Sep-18 12:00:19

Youngsters aren't using FB anymore, its the preserve of the 30+ year olds...

fdgdfgdfgdfg Mon 24-Sep-18 12:01:16

I have a duty of care to the people I manage. If they didn't turn up to work for a week and I couldn't get hold of them, I'd be expected to phone the police to report them missing. If they were ill, I'm expected to ensure they're not over working themselves and are taking sick leave if needed.

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