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AIBU?

DBIL prefers friends baby to his biological niece

97 replies

Abilouise · 23/09/2018 08:51

Hi everyone. Before I start, I just want to make sure that everyone knows I'm not some jealous woman that demands my daughter is the top on everyone's priority list. My daughter absolutely loves her uncle so it's going to break my heart when she realises that feeling, possibly, isn't mutual. I want some honest advice on what to do and even opinions on whether you think I'm imagining it all.

DP and DBIL only have 18 months apart in age, because of this, they were the bestest of friends growing up. Of course they had normal sibling rivalry, but no one had a stronger bond than them. When I got pregnant with DD, DBIL didn't seem bothered at all and we expected that tbh because we thought he was never into babies anyway. He never asked about the pregnancy.

After I had given birth, 'congratulations' come flooding in from everywhere. We didn't get a congratulations from DBIL, we barely even noticed that tbh. When DD was 10 days old we took her to her nans house (where DBIL lives too) and only then he congratulated us. We hadn't heard a peep off him the whole 10 days. He only stayed for 30 minutes because he was meeting some friends and he didn't hold her. This bothered us a little, but we put it down to DBIL just being DBIL. DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

DBIL has a friend, whom he has been friends with for coming on 8 years. Friend recently had a baby and DBIL has not stopped going on about the little bundle. He rushed straight to the hospital to see her after she was born, and was the first visitor to hold her. He's uploaded images of him holding the baby onto social media (something he's never done with my DD). He almost pesters friend with requests for updates on friends DD.

DBIL is the kind of person who will shun and ignore you if you speak to him about this. He won't apologize and correct it or even say nothing but his actions will still change. He will shut himself off from me, DP and DD. So I have to tread lightly.

AIBU or is there an obvious difference between the treatment of the two girls? He has no biological connection to friends DD. He isn't Godfather either so he shouldn't have a sense of duty either. Any help will be appreciated. Sorry this is poorly written, I'm shattered and trying to look after a 1yo as well.

OP posts:
SpeckledDot · 23/09/2018 08:54

Is his friend a woman?

FissionChips · 23/09/2018 08:56

What’s the point in giving it any thought? You can’t make him prefer your child just because she’s a blood relation.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 23/09/2018 08:57

Maybe he feels like he doesn't have to make so much effort as your dd is related to him, his friends dd only has a relationship with him due to the friendship so he puts more effort into maintaining that because your dd will always be around regardless.

LoniceraJaponica · 23/09/2018 08:58

Could the child be his?

LynetteScavo · 23/09/2018 08:58

Are you sure he's not the biological father of the friends baby?

Thistles24 · 23/09/2018 08:59

I’d suspect he’s maybe jealous of his DB? Very sad for your DD though.

sahknowme · 23/09/2018 08:59

DBIL fancies the friend (or his wife)

0hCrepe · 23/09/2018 09:01

Yes I agree he’s cross/jealous with his dB for some reason.

Bardwell · 23/09/2018 09:01

But you do sound jealous, OP. You can’t make him take an interest in your baby just because he’s your uncle. It’s nice that your daughter loves him, and maybe they’ll develop a nice relationship when she’s a bit older, but I think all this pent-up resentment about which baby he held, which baby he visited in hospital etc is completely self-defeating and petty. Your BIL hasn’t done anything to apologise for.

My sister takes absolutely no interest in my son, who is her only nephew. It’s not something I resent.

Ohyesiam · 23/09/2018 09:02

Well the difference is obvious, so not BU. And You can’t talk to him about it. It’s just the way it is.
I doubt your dd will be heart broken though, she will probably lose interest.
She has the last be of two parents, which is fantastic .
Try not to focus on it, not because it doesn’t matter , but because focusing on it is unlikely to bring a good result.

Poodles1980 · 23/09/2018 09:03

Maybe he is not a massive fan of you. I’m not massively fond of my brothers new wife and I can’t really see how I am going to be a big part of their baby’s life. I just don’t like spending time around her.

0hCrepe · 23/09/2018 09:04

Also agree just leave it. My stepsister has no interest in my kids. Issues. He might come round but don’t let it get to you.

Beesandfrogsandfleas · 23/09/2018 09:04

Maybe it’s his baby?

DocusDiplo · 23/09/2018 09:05

I think he may be jealous of your DD as it will take his brother's attention away from him. Sounds strange but I think people can have child-like feelings sometimes.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/09/2018 09:05

After I had given birth, 'congratulations' come flooding in from everywhere. We didn't get a congratulations from DBIL, we barely even noticed that tbh. When DD was 10 days old we took her to her nans house (where DBIL lives too) and only then he congratulated us.

This wasn't terribly nice of him, but meh, it happens.

DD is 13 months old now and she follows him everywhere and loves him to pieces. We didn't expect this, because out of the whole 13 months he's done nothing special to deserve that amount of love from her.

You are sounding like a crazy mamazilla here.

I know someone who barely seemed to have noticed his own daughters existence until they got to about 4, and now his FB page awash with wall-to-wall posts and videos of them. Grin Somehow they didn't seem to come alive to him until they could walk, talk, and do things independently. Maybe your BiL is of that ilk?

As others have said, are you sure he isn't the baby daddy of his friend's child?

Bobbysausages · 23/09/2018 09:05

Could it just be jealousy of your DH? Sounds like he is in a very different place to you guys if he is living with his Nan. Might be easier to be happier about a friends baby, whilst yours may be more of a comparison to his situation in life?

Havaina · 23/09/2018 09:06

Well obviously there is a difference but we don't know why. It's weird that he goes on about her. Is he jealous that his DB is married with a baby?

Is the friend a single mum or dad? Why was he the first visitor, does friend not have family?

I don't think your dd 'loves' him, she's too little. He may change as she grows older and starts talking, doing activities etc. If he doesn't, she will see attention is not to be had from Uncle so will just ignore him.

Could your DH not mention it in a lighthearted way? E.g. Next time DB goes on about the other baby, DH says 'What's do special about this baby when your own niece barely gets a look in?'

PeterIanStaker · 23/09/2018 09:07

My sister was like this when I had my children. She went so far trying to prove she wasn't interested/jealous, it seemed as if she actively disliked her nephews and nieces while finding other children scintillating. It didn't bother me, because she is a bit odd about anything to do with emotions and love, so we don't take it personally. She still won't hug them (or me), but will hug her friends and their children Grin. Some people are just not like most others.

Singlenotsingle · 23/09/2018 09:08

It just doesn't really matter, does it? So long as your DH's parents love DD and make a fuss of her, that's all that matters! Uncles aren't a big thing in a child's life, and she'll soon lose interest.

Trills · 23/09/2018 09:10

It's not about the babies.

It's about him being interested in and wanting to spend time with his friend, more than he is interested in and wants to spend time with you.

AlmaGeddon · 23/09/2018 09:12

He ids prob jealous of his DB -perhaps his obsession is a way of getting at his DB.
I would stay away from him. The golden child, maybe DP, is usually oblivious of the fact he is favoured so will not expect Dbils jealousy. Say nothing and ignore.

beanaseireann · 23/09/2018 09:13

It sounds like he's jealous of his brother.
Very odd behaviour.

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LyndorCake · 23/09/2018 09:13

@Havaina there is no way of making that sound light-hearted at all. Just sounds jealous.

SoyDora · 23/09/2018 09:15

Yes, could the issue be with you rather than with your daughter?

FittonTower · 23/09/2018 09:15

Does it matter? Your daughter won't notice and it won't actually effect her life in any way. It doesn't make any difference to you either.
I love my nephews and neices, they're fab. But my best friend's children are just as important to me and I've probably seen a lot more of them over the years.

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