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AIBU?

To distance myself from friend because of toxic behavior

55 replies

NameC123 · 20/09/2018 14:55

A friend of mine is obsessed with her fiancés ex, a perfectly harmless woman to which her fiancé has a DS(9). She uses every opportunity to be quite vile about her and more often than not (I and one other close friend) are her sounding board when she wants to have a moan. This is most days and she'll go a step further send photos of the woman ripping holes into how she looks or what she's wearing EG "look at how fat she looks" Sad

The lady hasn't done anything wrong, she's settled down with a partner and newborn and doesn't cause any problems for friend and her fiancé. Access to fiancés DS is amicable and he and friend have him every weekend and one night in the week, friend is close to fiancés DS and the mum has no problem with friend being a big part of her DS life. Friend is goady on social media about how she does so much for the child, then privately messages me and others in our friendship group saying how he'd be so much better off living with them full time.

Friend seems to be insecure in her relationship as she and fiancé have struggled to conceive, she goes above and beyond to paint a "happy families" picture on the internet then will ask me and other friends to comment smushy remarks on their pictures so "fiancés ex will see it" despite there being no evidence to suggest she's ever been jealous.

The pinnacle for me came yesterday when after another rant about her, friend said she hopes she dies whilst on holiday. I don't recognize what my friend has become and have never seen her act so cruel toward anyone else, I find her constant slagging off very draining and am struggling to just roll my eyes like I usually would. I don't like confrontation or wanted to get involved so haven't stuck up for the woman until now but have now sent a message saying she needs to grow up and stop being so cruel.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 20/09/2018 15:10

Good for you for calling her out , I couldn t listen to that vitriol directed at someone .

RangeRider · 20/09/2018 15:12

Well done you!

Trinity66 · 20/09/2018 15:14

Wow your friend sounds awful :/ Let us know what she replies (good on you too ntw)

YeTalkShiteHen · 20/09/2018 15:15

Well done OP! She needed to be told, what a nasty mean spirited woman she is.

I hope the wee boy doesn’t hear any of it!

Friend is goady on social media about how she does so much for the child, then privately messages me and others in our friendship group saying how he'd be so much better off living with them full time

If DS1s SM put shit like that on social media I’d lose my shit completely. I’m a stepmum, it’s not my place to plaster them on social media and act like I’m their Mum, because I’m not.

HollowTalk · 20/09/2018 15:17

I would have said far more than that to her! She's cruel and jealous and nasty. I hope for the child's sake her relationship with her partner ends soon.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/09/2018 15:20

Your friend is being vile and you have done the right thing calling her out. She should know how horrible she's being.

GoatWithACoat · 20/09/2018 15:26

I’d end the friendship over that. She’s lost the plot and the ‘hope she dies’ comment shows what a vile person she is.

NameC123 · 20/09/2018 15:29

Friend responded by trying to justify her behavior by saying the woman is a "slag" and a bad mum. The mum has gone on holiday three months postpartum and fiancé is taking care of DS and woman's mum is taking care of the baby.

The children always look clean and happy to me, I don't think what she does with her vagina is any of friends business but there's nothing to suggest she's a "slag" either.

I think I know what it boils down to and that's jealousy on friends part, the woman was with her fiancé for a long time and they share a child so have to remain in touch to co-parent and friend doesn't like to be reminded that she's not the only woman ever to be with her fiancé.

I agree I should have said more but I'm probably the most reserved and quiet person in the friendship circle which is why she feels able to just dump all of her venom onto my ears.

The holiday is only the latest in a string of reasons for her being very cruel about her

OP posts:
MrsTommyBanks · 20/09/2018 15:31

Good. It won't change her but at least you've done the right thing.
I think life is too short and difficult enough to have bitter nasty minded people in it. So I'd be calling it day personally.

MadameButterface · 20/09/2018 15:34

well done for telling her about herself

she is making herself look like a right desperate clingy twat

I wonder what her fiancé and his son would think of her wish that this woman dies.

I expect that he will come to regret bringing this woman into their lives.

LakieLady · 20/09/2018 15:36

She sounds a bit unhinged, tbh. If this is out of character, I'd say she feels inscure in the relationship and/or is really stressed out by ttc.

But I think you were right to say something.

itswinetime · 20/09/2018 15:37

I would tell her what you have said here that her behaviour is toxic and unhealthy. If she is so keen on being a good step mum for her DSs she should think about how unhealthy all this hatred she is carrying around is for him. I would then back right off that isn't someone I would want to be friends with.

Hissy · 20/09/2018 15:37

God she doesn't know she is born! Imagine what she'd be like if she really DID have a bitch of a DP Ex to deal with!

You did the right thing, I would now refuse to answer any message she sends slagging anyone off and only reward the good

hellsbellsmelons · 20/09/2018 15:38

trying to justify her behavior by saying the woman is a "slag" and a bad mum
Send her back your original message and tell her to stop using such derogatory misogynistic language towards women!
Then block, ignore and delete.
She sounds vile.

Oddcat · 20/09/2018 15:43

I'd want to tell the fiancé that his girlfriend wishes his sons mother dead ( I wouldn't in rl) what a vile woman , wishing all that pain on a child .

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/09/2018 15:43

Well done OP, horrible woman, wishing her dead.☹️

Ginkypig · 20/09/2018 15:45

People like this are exactly why children end up screwed up after their parents split up! All adults involved in a child's life wether that be parents, partners aunts/uncles grandparents etc have a huge responsibility to act in a way that puts the child's emotional and physical needs before how they feel in regards to the other adult involved.

One of the basics of that is don't slag of any of the other adults in the child's life! Children find out even if you think they don't they do.

Obviously if one of the adults is mistreating the child in some way that needs dealt with but even then there's no reason to slag off anyone.

bershetmelon · 20/09/2018 15:47

God she sounds awful! My DGM is very like this about a couple of my relatives (shockingly one of her own DGC because she doesn't like the mother) who are quite frankly very inoffensive and actually quite nice people. I do call her on it occasionally, I'm certainly not one of the beholden favourite grandchildren but do have the only great-grandchild which is probably the only reason she still speaks to me.

Well done on saying something op it can be so draining listening to people do this. Tell her it makes her sound insecure and over invested in the ex.

Witchofzog · 20/09/2018 15:48

She is showing you who she really is and what she is capable of. She sounds absolutely vile

FullOfJellyBeans · 20/09/2018 15:50

Your friend sounds like she needs some kind of therapy she obviously has issues but her anger is scary and like you I would certainly absolutely not be prepared to have any part in that anger. I'd be very worried for her step child to be around someone who views his mother this way.

Brambleboo · 20/09/2018 15:53

Friend sounds very jealous and insecure, and it's manifesting in a hateful and childish way. I think you were right to say something to friend; maybe she will now stop and think about how she is behaving.

If your friend is struggling to get pregnant with her fiance, she probably sees this ex, who did manage to have a child with the fiance, and it could be making her feel useless because she hasn't done so yet. This could be causing the behaviour you're seeing now.

If she continues to say terrible things, I'd keep pulling her up on it, telling her she doesn't want to become bitter and twisted. Who wants to be around people like that.

MariaYouveGottaSeeHer · 20/09/2018 16:00

Yanbu. She sounds horrid.

I also wonder if it’s TTC stress, though that’s obviously no excuse and most people who struggle don’t become as vicious as she sounds.

Reminds me of a thread an op started; she was struggling with infertility and had reached the end of what she and her dp could do to conceive, so they were coming to terms with the fact they probably wouldn’t conceive. She was venomous about her dp’s ex on the thread, calling her fat etc.

Well done for saying something.

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ifonly4 · 20/09/2018 16:01

Your friend obviously has serious (and sounds like unnecessary) issues with this lady, to the extent it ruining your friendship. If she values you as a friend, she may be upset but she'll either knock the subject on the head or she'll want to talk and make sure you're still her friend. Interesting to know if she does either.

DeRigueurMortis · 20/09/2018 16:03

If you can't appropriately deal with the fact that your partner will always have a tie to their ex as a result of having children with them, then you shouldn't enter into that situation.


If you think you could, but find out you can't, you should leave the relationship.

As much as your friend may think she's containing her toxic feelings from her partner and his child, there's no way that this level of negativity will not spill over into actions and attitude.

It may be in small ways (eye rolling at a comment about the ex for example) but these things build up a picture that demonstrates her true feelings - and kids of often very perceptive of these nuances.

I'm not suggesting anyone needs to be best friends with their partners ex, but when a child is involved, the starting premise has to be one of respect and civility.

She's lying to herself and everyone around her. Using social media to paint a picture of her being wonderful, but it's just a very shallow front for a person whose totally disingenuous.

You were right to call her out on it.

She needs to re-evaluate both her attitude and her relationship.

YeTalkShiteHen · 20/09/2018 16:06

friend doesn't like to be reminded that she's not the only woman ever to be with her fiancé.

Oh good grief that’s pathetic. Unless they’ve been together since their teens it’s highly likely they’ve both had sex with someone that isn’t the other one (before they met)

And I fucking despise the word “slag” it’s misogynistic and demeans women who enjoy sex.

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