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AIBU?

Son's girlfriend living with us and becoming a burden

499 replies

womanofthesun · 19/09/2018 15:29

My son (20) seems to have moved his girlfriend into our house. From the day he introduced me to her back in April, she's spent every day and night here (with the exception of about 2). He works full-time and whilst he's at work, she'll spend the whole day in his room. That, alone, isn't the problem. The problem is that she's become a burden, both spatially and financially. She spends a lot of time in the bathroom doing her hair and make-up, which means that I'm often having to wait for her to finish before I can use my own bathroom. She's also been taking 2 showers a day - one in the morning and one in the evening (neither myself or my son have that many - we both have 1). Whilst she's having a shower, she often plays music from her phone too (which, to me, is an indication that she's gotten a little too cosy here). When my son returns from work, he'll cook an elaborate dinner for them both (he's a very good cook), and whilst he's sweating in the kitchen after a long day's work, she'll either be in his bedroom waiting to be handed a plate, or sat in the kitchen, watching him do all the work. In fact, this is the case with any household activity - he'll cook/clean/tidy whilst she'll just watch, usually whilst scrolling through her phone. She's also taken to swanning around the house in little shorts and belly tops. I've even see her put the heating and hot water on whilst my son is at work. She knows we're a family that struggles, financially, so to have her use our utilities this way is quite stressful. I've even caught her spitting in our garden whilst sat outside smoking. I just find that she's being quite disrespectful, now. AIBU to feel this way? His old girlfriend was really helpful and would always help him with household things. She was very respectful and kept her presence within the house quite small (she also spent most nights in her own home). This one doesn't seem to understand boundaries. One time she was ill with a cold and was coughing and sneezing quite freely around the house. As I have a young baby, I had to ask her to leave on that occasion and come back only when she is better - I didn't want my baby getting sick (he already has an autoimmune disorder which makes his immune system weak, which I explained to her). My son does give me a certain amount of his wage each month for his keep, but not enough to cover what's being used by the extra body to be honest. And, to be honest, no amount of money would make up for the inconvenience caused by her constant physical presence within the house.

Thing is, I'm afraid to bring this up to them because I know she's a nice girl who probably means well (although I do feel that she feels quite entitled to my son's treatment and the benefits of technically living with us - I think she feels she's a "catch" for my son). I just think she's young and naive to the impact of her presence.

AIBU to feel that my son's girlfriend's behaviour isn't really on?

OP posts:
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Twotailed · 19/09/2018 15:31

Yanbu - time for your son to find his own place! If he won’t tell him she can stay for a certain number of nights per week max.

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ENormaSnob · 19/09/2018 15:32

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IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/09/2018 15:32

She’s been there since April and you haven’t said anything? Surely you should have been either asking her to leave or asking for rent after the first two weeks? Your son is the issue her for just presuming she can live there rent free, your issue is with him.

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PositivelyPERF · 19/09/2018 15:33

Why are you putting all the blame on her? Your son is the one that’s moved her in. Why aren’t you speaking to him? He sounds very disrespectful, moving a woman in, without asking.

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wizzywig · 19/09/2018 15:33

If you don't need his rent, spell it out clearly that the behaviour isn't on

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crimsonlake · 19/09/2018 15:34

I think you must have the patience of a saint to put up with this, I would have had words about this situation a long time ago. She should only be there as a visitor when your son is home, it seems in effect she has actually moved in. You need to have words.

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KM99 · 19/09/2018 15:34

I think it's time for some tough love with your DS. It's doesn't have to get personal but purely factual. You don't have the space or resources to house her permanently. She is welcome X nights a week but it's not sustainable for her to live with you. If they want to live together it's time he hatches a plan to move out - house share, rent, buy - whatever they can afford.

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CrabbityRabbit · 19/09/2018 15:35

She needs to start paying rent or preferably move out.

Does she speak to you? What on earth does she plan to do with her life. I assume she doesn't work or study.

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DingDongDenny · 19/09/2018 15:35

Tell her if she is staying she has to pay the same contribution as your son and help with househild tasks. Otherwise she leaves

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FinnegansWhiskers · 19/09/2018 15:35

I wouldn't put up with tbh. It's time your ds and his gf moved out. They are both adults and need to make their own way in the adult world. The days of living off the bank of mum are gone. Be kind, but firm FlowersWine

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Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2018 15:36

Of course you're not being unreasonable. This is YOUR home and it's time to send the girlfriend packing. Whether or not your son contributes financially is irrelevant. If you don't want her there, she goes. FFS, you aren't even able to enjoy your own home. If they want to live together, then they need to find their own flat. Not demanding boundaries with your son is also not doing him any favours. At his age, he should be much more respectful of your needs and comfort.

Don't be a doormat. End this nonsense today.

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Sparklingbrook · 19/09/2018 15:36

Why have you put up with this for so long?

Speak to the pair of them.

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Mulberry72 · 19/09/2018 15:37

You need to sit your DS down and tell him exactly what you’ve said here.

It’s not on, if they want to live together then they need their own place!

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KC225 · 19/09/2018 15:37

What does she do? Is she job hunting? A student?

Why isn't she at her parent's house? Where did she live before?

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Shoxfordian · 19/09/2018 15:37

Talk to them both about your expectations in your household. It's your house so it should be your rules.

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Haireverywhere · 19/09/2018 15:38

I think you need to be prepared for him to move out. Until he's in a position to do this I think it's perfectly reasonable to set some limits on how often she is welcome to stay over. I don't think she should be there at all whilst he's working in the day, at this point and under these circumstances.

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mummymeister · 19/09/2018 15:38

She is doing this because she can. No one has asked her not to stay. No one has asked her to pay rent. You need to stop enabling her.

If you ask her to pay the same rent as your son then as she isn't working it will just end up him paying double. So, speak to them both tonight. spell out the options. she can stay max 2 nights but not be there at any time that you aren't. If they don't like this then they have 4 weeks to move out. you need to be really firm and stick to this not give in to all the "dog ate my homework" type excuses that they are going to come back with. She is a freeloader. you have worked this out, hopefully your son will work it out soon as well or he may as well queue up and get mug tattooed on this forehead.

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Runrunrudolf · 19/09/2018 15:39

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

DSS's girlfriend used to be spend loads of time around ours but she brought her own food, helped around the house and was definitely delightful to have around.

She doesn't sound like she has a whole lot of respect, walking around with a cold, using the utilities when she likes.
It's not like you're expecting a box of chocolates every week but anyone living in a house shouldn't be this disrespectful, it sounds like a teenager has moved in with you!

I definitely agree have a talk with your son and figure an option out

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/09/2018 15:40

Tell DS it's time for her to leave. She can stay over one night a week at weekends but that's it. Why isn't she working? Or living at home?

Don't be made to feel bad OP this is YOUR home.

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FilledSoda · 19/09/2018 15:41

How has it got to this without you saying
" aren't you going home ? "

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Movablefeast · 19/09/2018 15:41

I think this whole situation is ridiculous, how can you have someone living with you and apparently not working without discussing it with her and your son? Frankly if she is taking the piss you only have yourself to blame. Reminds me of my dear friend in London who is a feminist who was moaning about the exact same set up, except in her case she was also doing all their laundry! Completely mystifying that grown women let another adult move in without their consent and can't seem to defend themselves/speak up.

What is that about?

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PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 19/09/2018 15:45

YADNBU she's not 15 (I hope!) she's old enough to know that living in a house, eating food and using heat costs money and you're not responsible for providing it for her. Like others I'd place a limit on how often she can stay (1 night a week?) and since she's not a member of the household she shouldn't be in the home without DS. You didn't agree to have another person in the home.

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FilledSoda · 19/09/2018 15:45

Ignore the posters telling you to charge rent , you don't want a bloody lodger

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sparklyandgorgeousme · 19/09/2018 15:45

My first thought is why is she not living with her parents ?

Frankly if my 20'years old daughter left to live with the boyfriends parents I'd hope they would send her back

If double you're sons rent

If he can't afford it she needs a job !

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specialsubject · 19/09/2018 15:45

she presumably pays him in sexual services. Ask for the equivalent hourly rate in cash from him.

sorry but this is outrageous. they both need to leave.

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