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AIBU?

To be absolutely gutted that DD is leaving me?

72 replies

SouthSpain · 18/09/2018 13:59

She's 20 and is going into her sandwich year of university, where she will be working in Australia at a marine conservation place. It's her dream and I am so proud. I'm just absolutely mortified.

She goes to a local uni and I see her every week. She's my only family and she's also really upset but admits she has to do it.

I'm so sad.

OP posts:

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Anourish · 18/09/2018 14:27

It does sound hard OP and Australia is very far. It does sound amazing though and I hope she has a great time.

GoodbyeSummer · 18/09/2018 15:05

It's only a year and she'll be back before you know it. It is far away but it's also a chance in a lifetime thing so she'd be a fool to miss out. It's not the same but there's always social media, phone, text, Skype and email.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a dick, but I'm going to say it anyway: if you say you're mortified it means you're so embarrassed you can't move, as though you have rigour mortis.

InspectorIkmen · 18/09/2018 15:12

Yes. 'Mortified' is quite the wrong word here I'm afraid. I expect there will be shouts of 'dick' for pointing it out

Look - my DD did the year in Australia too. Ok - it was some years ago now and it was hard in the beginning. Very hard. But there was no way on earth I'd have either a. stopped her or b. let her know how hard I found it. And it did her the absolute world of good. A real life experience and she's made friends from all over the world - good friends who even now visit us in the UK.
Let her go and let her go happily.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/09/2018 15:14

It sounds very exciting and a chance for you to visit her. An American I worked with had a DD that did a research stint at a seal colony and he was able to go and assist her for a couple of weeks. It sounded amazing, apart from the seal bites

fabulousathome · 18/09/2018 15:18

Can you visit her?

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 18/09/2018 15:18

I did a year out in the 80s abroad. Not Australia, no. But to talk to my Mum (there was just me and her too) I had to write a letter, or save up my change to hear it go clink clink clonk into a phone box and I managed about 2 sentences.

My best friend, whose mother died when she was a baby, lives the other side of the world, and has done for years. Her 80+ year old Dad flies out to see her every two years. Every time she is conscious it might be the last.

Encourage your daughter to live her life and fly. In the kindest possible way, you've lived. Now it's her turn. She'll be back before you know it and you can facetime her all day if you need to!

JellyBears · 18/09/2018 15:24

My bosses sister did a year in Australia, she loved it so much she stayed.

exWifebeginsat40 · 18/09/2018 15:25

my DD just started her first year at uni yesterday. year 3 is spent in South Korea!

i’m treating these first couple of years of her being 250 miles away during term time as practice for missing her in year 3. i presume it will get better than it is today, at day 2, when i already miss her horribly!

it’s our job, innit. teach them how to fly, then shuffle them out of the nest...

A580Hojas · 18/09/2018 15:27

I'm sorry but you've got to get over it. Children are only loaned to us and she is an adult now. I hope you are not showing her how "mortified" you feel!

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2018 15:29

Aww! It's hard isn't it? My DD1 left for uni for the first time this weekend and I miss her so much already

DizzyLizzieisnothappy · 18/09/2018 15:29

YANBU. Feel free to have a good mope and ignore the posters going on about how amaaaazng it will be.

MissusGeneHunt · 18/09/2018 15:33

Yeah I get it OP, but let her fly. Take the opportunity for you too. Go out and join things, take up a new hobby, anything. All my family save my DM and DS are in NZ and Australia, its a great excuse for visiting! Don't worry, she'll be OK, and so will you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/09/2018 15:36

It sounds as though you are very dependent on her. Could you make some more friends/start a hobby/invest in your own happiness a bit more?

It's not really fair to rely on a 20-year old for your emotional wellbeing.

It could be that she feels quite smothered and is looking forward to a bit of a break. Sorry, I'm not saying that to be mean, but thinking back to when I was 20, all I wanted was freedom and independence.

You know that saying 'If you love someone let them go'...?

SoupDragon · 18/09/2018 15:38

Feel free to have a good mope and ignore the posters going on about how amaaaazng it will be.

It’s perfectly possible to be sad at her leaving for the year and excited for how amazing it’s going to be for her.

InfiniteVariety · 18/09/2018 15:41

I have 3 DDs and 2 are currently studying in USA. They are happy, independent & resilient young women who are making the most of their lives and enjoying breadth of experience. DH & I both lived overseas ourselves in our 20s & 30s so to us it is definitely A Good Thing To Do and we raised them up to see it that way too. My MIL used to say "You bring your children up to leave you" and it's true - they should be able to go out into the world capable & confident, and if your DD can do so, you've done a good job OP!

BookWitch · 18/09/2018 15:41

I did a year abroad in the early 1990s - pre Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp etc. It is really so easy to stay in touch these days.
Once she is in a routine, fix up a weekly Skype call.

My Dd went to China for a year a few years ago. It has defined her as an adult, she matured so much and gave her some awesome life experiences.

Be proud you have raised her to be confident enough to do this. It is a complete parenting success!

MirriVan · 18/09/2018 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhyOhWine · 18/09/2018 15:44

can you save up for a visit - that will give you something to get excited about - both seeing her and also seeing Australia!

foggetyfog · 18/09/2018 15:47

In a way YANBU but you have to let her do it and try not spoil it by making her feel guilty. She's grown up. My daughter is the same age and doing the same thing, she flew out to Oz 2 weeks ago. Focus on being proud you've nurtured a young woman who has the confidence to go to the other side of the world by herself. FaceTime, Whats App and SnapChat make it easy to keep in touch even with the time difference. Can you afford to go and visit her for a few weeks, it would be something to look forward to? Get yourself organised in plenty of time for Christmas too if you'll be by yourself, do something different from normal like going on an organised trip away or volunteering somewhere.

Wolfiefan · 18/09/2018 15:48

My eldest is off for a month next year. He will be 16. I will miss him but he will have the trip of a lifetime.
Devastated? No.
I’m amazed she comes home every weekend TBH. Can’t be good for her social life and making friends at uni. Time to build your own lives that don’t centre round each other.

mononoaware1907 · 18/09/2018 15:49

I completely understand where you come from! I studied abroad for the whole degree (4 years), out of which one was Erasmus. My parents missed me loads and I missed them, especially mum. But it was an amazing experience, I learned LOADS and met a lot of lovely people!

Though, now that I live 30 km away from them we see eachother quite often and it makes me happy

1 year flies by! She'll have the time of her life. Best of luck

shatteredmama · 18/09/2018 15:52

Personally, I wouldn't want to take advice from anyone who took it upon themselves to correct my choice of words. Patronising smart arises, you knew exactly what she wanted to convey.

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shatteredmama · 18/09/2018 15:53

Bloody auto correct - smart arses

missbattenburg · 18/09/2018 15:55

I did 18 months in India and my mum was pretty devastated when I left as we're pretty close.

She couldn't even bring herself to say goodbye really, because it was so upsetting - she just had to pretend we were going to see each other again in a few days.

My point being, we spoke often on facetime and while the first week or so dragged, the 18 months flew by. Once you get into a new routine, the time will pass.

I'll also say that it would have been daft/pointless/hurtful for anyone to tell her not to show me how upset she was. I am not an idiot. I KNEW she was going to be upset and hiding it would just have been a lie. What she did well was never use her upset to try and change my mind. We both knew she was upset and both knew I was doing what was best for me so should just go ahead and do it. She remained supportive throughout while being simultaneously upset as my being so far away.

missbattenburg · 18/09/2018 15:59

p.s. spending a year in Australia working on marine conservation sounds effing awesome - well done her for having/earning such a great opportunity!!

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