About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

[alifromtheforest]

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

[Hoppinggreen]

She’s old enough to make the decision herself, but she’s also old enough to be able to tell her Dad how she feels as well.
No way should she be forced to go

[lljkk]

£400 is not too bad...
Did she agree to go before the flight was booked?
Can she find £400 to pay them back?
Is £400 the only cost, nothing else that needs covering?

[GladAllOver]

It has to be your daughter's decision, and they must accept it.

[Returnofthesmileybar]

Definitely don't make her go, £400 isn't a lot to lose if they are wealthy and are used to extravagant holidays. I would talk to your ex before you talk to dd and explain it to him like you have here

[corythatwas]

They won't actually be losing the money though: that wouldn't be refunded to them if your dd suddenly found she was able to go. What they will lose is your dd's company. I would make it all about her A-levels and the project; that's less hurtful than "I wouldn't enjoy myself with you".

[TeenTimesTwo]

Did they ask her before it was booked?
I would focus on the A level work needing doing.
That is a more socially acceptable reason than wanting to see friends.

[Ohyesiam]

Dd old enough to know what she wants.

[ShalomJackie]

If there are seriously return flights to the Maldives for £400 then please find out who with. Most holidays to the Maldives are package type ones and will be starting at £4000 not £400. There are not really activities there that are suitable for 3 months to 6 year olds.

This is presumably a big deal for her grandparent who has arranged and paid for this and presumably arranged for it to be at half term so as to include your daughter.

There are so many MN threads about kids not being included because Dad has gone off and started a new family. I would very much encourage her to go and enjoy the trip of a lifetime!

By the time she goes to uni her A level friends may be long forgotten. Her work can still be done by taking it with her and doing it under the sun umbrella. I have often seen kids doing this, including my own DS who took his mock gcse revision with him to Thailand last Christmas.

[Snowymountainsalways]

I would find the money to refund the flight and I would not make her go. She can celebrate with them on their return.
For a 16 yr old there isn't a great deal to do in the Maldives beyond snorkelling, swimming and water sports. My teens are just growing tired of it now. There aren't many teens there if any, and no night life whatsoever. I am not sure it will be a trip of a life time for her, she may just be bored rigid (I suspect she knows this)

[ScarletAnemone]

I’d support her in staying at home. I think it’s unacceptable to expect a 17 year old to go on a ten day family holiday. They’re breaking away from family at that age and need the time and space with friends to find out who they are and step into their own adult world. Plus she’ll need time to chill and do any schoolwork which has been set.

[Snowymountainsalways]

Qatar airways have cheap flights to the Maldives.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Did she agree before the flights were booked or did they book without asking her?

[Snowymountainsalways]

The children's clubs in the Maldives are fantastic, the younger children and babies will be very well looked after (they will need factor 70 though as the sun is very hot, this is usually available on the islands) The teen market isn't so well catered for beyond the usual gaming, and it is this bracket that will struggle the most on one tiny island hundreds of miles from anywhere!

[Alpacanorange]

She is old enough to decide, let her tell her father. You say he is an excellent father, he will understand and support his daughter (here’s hoping).

[rainingcatsanddog]

At her age, I'd leave it to her and her Dad to sort out.

Personally I have kids the same age and can't make them do anything.

[Alpacanorange]

I was on holiday with teens last year and knew it was the last, they were bored and couldn’t get them off their phones. Until I’d experienced for it myself I assumed it was not inevitable and we would also have a good time. I was wrong, teens get bored, they miss their friends.

[auntyflonono]

She can't possible go, she has homework! Her university offers will partly be based on her predicted grades, which could be lower if she does the project badly.

[DerelictWreck]

I would let her and her father sort it out. No need for you to get involved (don't mean this in a mean way, just that you can avoid being in the drama!)

[Howhot]

Did they have a conversation with her before they booked? Or was it just assumed she'd go and they booked her fight? If it's the latter she really needs to speak up but it might be a be late now , how long has it been booked for?

It's not unusual for a 17 year old to start ducking out of family holidays but she should be clear from the start

[serbska]

I would focus on the A level work needing doing.

This

[Disfordarkchocolate]

At her age you can't really vamke her go, if you do it will affect her relationship with both her parents. For these 2 years her A levels need to be her focus.

[Snowymountainsalways]

It is hard to revise there because it is so hot, and she will be jet lagged. Here in the much cooler climes she can really focus.

We tried to revise there and gave up. They were too tired and neither could really concentrate (one left a whole folder behind) so no, I don't think it is conducive with studying properly.

[Trethew]

They want her to babysit

[Bluelady]

She needs to do her A level project. It's as simple as that.

[bigKiteFlying]

She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad

Suggests she tell your ex this as soon as possible - so they can try for a refund. E-mail if she thinks easier than phoning.

I wouldn't be keen on forcing her at that age.