Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

[CrispbuttyNo1]

I think you sound very angry and are being irrational. At 7 she should be learning more independence and it sounds quite a safe way to learn if she’s with two friend (especially as one is 10).

[whatareyoueatingNOW]

I think you are seriously over reacting. He's a dodger t parent to you and his rules are not yours. I agree it's quite young, but no harm came to her and you could have had a conversation with him about your concerns instead you've blown up and said he can never have her again? I'm sorry but that's completely out of proportion!

[Nicknacky]

I would lobe to live somewhere like your ex’s where kids can play. It’s a good think and you are bang out of order stopping contact because of a difference in parenting choices.

[whatareyoueatingNOW]

Different- not dodger t

[Meralia]

I don’t think you can stop contact because he lets her play outside?

What is the concern here? You do need to give kids some freedom. What age is suitable to you for playing outside?

[hooveringhamabeads]

I agree that YABU. If she was roaming around unsupervised you might have a point but she’s with friends, including one who is almost secondary age. In a safe area I can’t see why this would be a problem.

[Allthewaves]

Surely if it's a nice quiet area then it's perfect place for her to play put with friends.

[chickhonhoneybabe]

CrispbuttyNo1 yes I agree I am angry, she is really not a sensible girl. I understand the thing about being independence but I’m not sure being outside unsupervised is the way to go about it.

[chickhonhoneybabe]

Ok perhaps im being unreasonable, but honestly if you met DD you’d understand my concerns. She is not a sensible child for her age

[Onlyfools]

7 is completely fine to play outside. She won’t learn to be trustworthy and responsible unless given the opportunity. Walking to the shops is a different matter. But playing outside is fine.

[Nicknacky]

Genuine question, does she have special needs?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Playing outside with a handful of friends, some several years older, is the best way to learn independence and it doesn’t sound like she’s in any danger.

Simply, you’ve been apart a long time, you’re equal parents, when she’s with you you decide what’s safe, when she’s with him he decides and the history between you, while it sounds pretty grim, doesn’t have any relevance to the current disagreement.

He may have lied in the past but he’s not lying about where she was or what she was doing, he’s just making different parenting choices.

You’d be livid if he dictated what went in your home.

I’d be worried about a 7 year old who can’t be left alone for 5 minutes, SEN aside, and she didn’t come to any harm playing out for a bit so maybe she’s more independent than you think.

[chickhonhoneybabe]

Meralia i’d prefer her to be a bit older probably about 10, as she is not a sensible child and had no boundaries

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I think you're very angry with him and might be looking for reasons to take issue with him. It's hard as I know all children are different. I know some 7 year olds who would struggle with a little more freedom. I know others (like my own) who are ready for a bit more trust and independence. Only you know your child. I live in a similar area and providing ds knows the rules, he's really sensible and listens well when we set boundaries. You might be overreacting based on your general feelings towards your ex, but I don't know.

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

Firstly he sounds horrible, really unpleasant and you are well rid.

I do think YABU though. My 7 yr old plays out on our street which is a new build cul-de-sac. Not everyone feels the same about this kind of thing but it's not uncommon for 7 year olds to play out. If my DS had a 10yr old friend I trusted I think I would probably be OK with him going to a nearby shop. This depends on the friend of course. Obviously when she is in your care it's your choice and I think 7 is generally considered quite young for this.

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD
You really can't do this!

How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?
I don't think you can. If you really feel she has no stranger danger then try and reason with him based on your shared understanding of your daughter's personality. Legally though I believe he has the right to make his own decisions.on these kind of things.

[OliveOrTwist]

The whole background about your exDP is totally irrelevant to the actual question about your dd being allowed out with friends, and is clearly only included to try and get people to agree with you. I think YABU and your reaction was OTT.

[chickhonhoneybabe]

Nicknacky she does show signs of having some additional needs, however I’ve not been able to get to the bottom of things with going via the school route.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Her dad knows her too LittleLionMansMummy, he made a choice lots of people would agree with and nothing dreadful happened.

[Nacreous]

I was definitely allowed to go to the shop on my own aged seven.

I understand you are worried about her, but she’s going to have to learn to be independent at some point and this sounds like a fairly reasonable place to start.

Can you suggest a compromise to her dad of say checking on her regularly? And talking through scenarios (separately) but both of you with the same advice, so she consistently knows what you expect.

If her friend is 10, she may well be more sensible and able to keep an eye. By the time I was ten (early 2000s, not the 1950s) I used to go and play in the woods with my friends - both a nearby one and one about a mile away that was by a big river and had a little tributary running through it. We used to cycle there, crossing a 60mph road (not dual carriageway but FAST). When we were there we would play in the woods building dens and the such and we were trusted to behave safely around the rivers. I would definitely have coped with playing out in a culdesac keeping an eye on a seven year old.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Yeah I didn't mean her dad doesn't know her, reading it back I realise that can be misinterpreted. I meant that op knows her dd better than a bunch of strangers on the internet. She might be right. He might be. All that really comes across though is op's anger towards him which could be clouding her judgement.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Sorry that was in reply to AnneLovesGilbert

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I agree the background info on the ex is irrelevant and I’m bias with regards to him.

It’s just I worry because she would easily go off with a stranger as she has zero boundaries, she’ll talk to anyone

[Unicornandbows]

Yabu and ott

[MajesticWhine]

YABU. She is not too young to be playing outside. Totally normal especially in an estate / cul de sac type environment. As for the shop, it's quite young but she was in a group. You don't say how many roads to cross if any. I would be worried too - it's only natural when things are out of your control. But you can't stop contact. Maybe see if you can discuss with your ex your concerns and work on safety with your DD.

[Singlenotsingle]

We have to allow our lillleones a measure of freedom otherwise how will they ever learn about the world? You're overreacting. It's not as though she was on her own!