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AIBU?

School fees and step families

181 replies

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 19:49

Looking for views.

Grandmother in family pays grandchildren’s school fees. Three grandchildren in total.

Son has just got engaged and will become step father to two secondary school age children. Custody of these children is shared 50-50 between parents. Two sets of grandparents actively involved.

Fiancée has just commented to her future MIL that it is a pity they didn’t get angaged before the start of the school term as the children could have enrolled in their new private school at the start of year instead of the middle.

Grandmother is looking forward to getting to know these two teens but had not considered paying school fees for them. She is now concerned there will be a rift in the family if she doesn’t. She could just about afford it, but it would impact on her lifestyle. Her son could not afford private school fees, and she knows his fiancée assumes she will pay as she commented it was a great perk of being in the family,

I am a good friend of grandmother and My view is she should explain to her son this situation. This lady doesn’t know these teens well at all, and paying thousands of pounds for their schooling seems too much. But neither of have experience with step families. Are we being too hard nosed?

OP posts:

Report

Hengine · 14/09/2018 19:54

She should speak to her son. She’s not obliged to pay for them and if they split up it’s unlikely she would continue a relationship with them so they would have to leave the school.
What would she do if there are more biological grand children? It will be awkward if she says she can’t afford it but then does it for others that come along

Cynara · 14/09/2018 19:55

The fiancee is a rude, cheeky person! Her comments make her sound very mercenary, such an immense presumption on her part. The grandmother absolutely should not feel obliged to pay. How ridiculous.

Hengine · 14/09/2018 19:55

Has her son said something? It’s a very odd thing to assume

lowtide · 14/09/2018 19:56

She’s batshit

Musicalstatues · 14/09/2018 19:58

Wow that’s massively cheeky!!!
Possibly if they were little kids and the grandmother had formed a strong bond with them as they grew up and then felt that she wanted to OFFER to do that off her own back but in this situation there is absolutely no way she has any obligation in anyway to pay for them and I cannot believe here would be any assumption that she would!!

ThanksHunkyJesus · 14/09/2018 20:00

They're not her grandchildren. Christmas and birthday presents, yes ok. But not bloody school fees.

FissionChips · 14/09/2018 20:03

She’s a true CF!

Namelessinseattle · 14/09/2018 20:04

How old are the three grandchildren- are the similar in age? And how long have the son and fiancé been together? If her son reared them I’d say it a little awkward, but if they’ve an active father of their own and her son has just come on the scene I’d be inclined to think no?

If it were me I’d never expect that from my DM or DMIL. But ultimately if there’s going to be a rift she has to question is a relationship with her son worth the £, and also to consider if her son can place a sum on the relationship then does she want a relationship with him?

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 20:04

Hengine, more biological children did come up in our angst ridden conversation. And it’s not about biology (one of her grandchildren is adopted). If more grandchildren cam along she would pay for them, and would be happy to make the sacrifices. That is why she feels guilty about these two children.

She has met them a few times and they were perfectly pleasant. But they are early teens and not very interested in getting to know her - understably. They already have four grandparents, therefore my friend would not be stepping into that role.

OP posts:

EdisonLightBulb · 14/09/2018 20:05

Ridiculous would this women expect her own mother to contribute towards school fees for her Fiancés children? She sounds bonkers and entitled.

Havaina · 14/09/2018 20:07

Just...

I hope DGM says no.

Want2bSupermum · 14/09/2018 20:08

Very strange of the future DIL. Why would you assume your future MIL is going to pay for children who aren't directly related to them?!? It's just totally ridiculous to assume anyone would pay for kids which are theirs unless they tell you themselves that they would like to pay.

Bluelady · 14/09/2018 20:08

If I were him I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

Merryoldgoat · 14/09/2018 20:08

Fucking hell! Some people are beyond cheeky.

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 20:09

The three grandchildren range in age, two are still in prep and one is on grammar school. They are all very close to their grandmother, who does after school care a few days a week.

The older is this son’s daughter. My friend has remained close with her ex DIL.

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2018 20:09

Crazy. DIL is a proper CF and possibly a bit gold diggy.

Havaina · 14/09/2018 20:10

This is worse than the cocklodger who expected his partner to pay for his teenage dd's private school fees or the cocklodger who expected his partner to give up her master bedroom with ensuite for his dd.

Tiger2113 · 14/09/2018 20:12

Son is a little spoiled. He is quite focused on the appearance of wealth. I Haspbe a suspicion he has boasted to this lady about the lifestyle he will offer (I have kept that opinion to myself).

OP posts:

Caselgarcia · 14/09/2018 20:13

Surely it's not just the Fiancées decision about their schooling. Wouldn't their father have a say?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2018 20:14

Their father may be very unhappy for his children to change schools, especially at their ages and with the fees being reliant on a relative stranger his ex doesn’t know well who has no relationship with his children.

The whole thing is ridiculous.

If there’s a rift it’s because the son and future DIL are mercenary shallow piss takers who see his mum as a blank cheque not a person.

thecatsthecats · 14/09/2018 20:15

Why would you assume your future MIL is going to pay for children who aren't directly related to them?!?

This.

She should say, "I'm glad you brought it up. I'm looking forward to splitting the fees for all five with the other step grandparents".

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2018 20:17

If the rift resulted in a break up it really wouldn’t be the end of the world...

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Alwa · 14/09/2018 20:17

Eeeeer no.

Not happening and she's a CF

LynetteScavo · 14/09/2018 20:18

The fiancée is crazed.

Iscreamforbenandjerrys · 14/09/2018 20:18

Nope. No way is this the responsibility of your friend.

If I was the new wife I would struggle to accept the gift if offered freely and happily. It would be a definite no if it was going to affect the quality of your friend's life. No way would I expect her to pay for the fees, I wouldn't expect that of my own mother.

If I was the husband to be I would seriously be questioning the whole relationship. Is the new wife a grabby gold digger or just thick with no concept of what she is expecting?

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