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...to think my boyfriend is actually gay?

(79 Posts)
WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 21:55:47

Namechanged.
6 months ago I started seeing the most amazing man and we have fallen for each other in a big way. The sex is astonishing: gentle and affectionate and erotic and everything else I could hope for. So far, so bloody fantastic.

Except he is gay.

He denies it to the hilt.

But the things he tells me lead me to one conclusion, that he is gay.

AIBU to think he is gay based on the fact that when he was doing A levels, he got a detention along with another boy and whilst bored and stuck in a secluded classroom for a few hours, they ended up having sex. He says this was just a "you show me yours / I will show you mine" scenario that went further. But he admits that he lost his virginity to this other boy.

Later, still as a young man he had sex on holiday with an older man, a family friend. He says they never referred to it afterwards and it was just one of those weird youthful things.

I think there was a third liaison with a man. Not sure of the exact details.

He no longer watches porn (deal-breaker for me, and we have discussed this very frankly) but he says in his twenties he would watch porn and the porn he liked was not m/f, but men on their own wanking. He says he never wanted to watch men together but a man on his own was a turn on.

He absolutely denies that he is gay. He has three children with his ex-wife. And we have the most amazing sex life.

But he is gay, right? Or bisexual. He won't have either. He is honest about his past sex with men. He says he is not attracted to men, but that this was all opportunistic experimentation.

I am not trying to pigeon-hole him. But I can't think this relationship will go the distance if he is in denial about his sexuality.

coldrain2018 Wed 12-Sep-18 21:58:32

I don't think he would be reluctant to say he was bi ( or gay) if he thought he was - he's open enough about the encounters hes had. I'm sure he genuinely believes he is straight, and if he thinks so, he should know

BruceAndNosh Wed 12-Sep-18 21:58:50

But you are trying to pigeonhole him, or at least label him.

What difference does it make to your relationship?

BabySharkDoDoDoDoDo Wed 12-Sep-18 22:00:29

I've had sex with both men and women. I am neither gay nor straight.

I love who I'm with at the time.

I presume you are a woman? So how can he be gay if he is with you.

He sounds bisexual. Which shouldn't be an issue if you are secure in your relationship with him.

IhatetheArchers Wed 12-Sep-18 22:01:59

Bizzare

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:02:12

BruceAndNosh

Possibly I am pigeon-holing him. Not sure really, I am just trying to weigh up whether he can ever be happy in a monogamous heterosexual relationship (with me!) if he is closeted.

Annon54103 Wed 12-Sep-18 22:04:57

I think if he was secretly gay then he wouldn’t be telling you about his previous gay sexual encounters

JungWan Wed 12-Sep-18 22:06:06

It's not as simple as ''you're pigeon-holing him which is unreasonable, how very dare you?''. When people commit to a relationship I think they need to assess if they can invest hope in to it, is it in more jeopardy than the 'average' relationship, is there more competition? is it based on a lie? is the attraction to minimised due to being seen through a bisexual lens?
Not popular on mumsnet but this would have my mind racing too. I'd need to run it past a few listeners to figure out if it was too much uncertainty for me.

Racecardriver Wed 12-Sep-18 22:07:52

Well gi E. How honest he has been I doubt he is lying. For some people this stuff is just a phase.

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:08:42

Annon

Agreed, but he says he has never told anyone else. His ex-wife has no idea that he has had sex with men, for example. So it is a secret past gay life other really.

Popc0rn Wed 12-Sep-18 22:08:50

"He no longer watches porn (deal-breaker for me, and we have discussed this very frankly)"

...as you told him to stop watching porn? misses point of whole thread

VladmirsPoutine Wed 12-Sep-18 22:09:06

To be honest the question is more whether or not you can live with knowing this about him. Gay or not he clearly has experienced and enjoyed sexual encounters with men. For some that would be a deal-breaker, for others not. The question is not what he now 'identifies' as - it's whether you can live with his history?

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:10:25

JungWan I agree. I think he has been remarkably honest with me. I don't think there are more revelations to come. But it makes me think "will I be enough for him?" or will he always have a yearning for something else, sexually.

lola212121 Wed 12-Sep-18 22:10:45

having sexual experiences with males and also sexual fantasies about men does not make him gay .
Being gay is not just about sexual or physical attraction . It is quite normal to have fantasies and experiment with the other sex , however , does he want to be intimate with another male ? For example whisper sweet nothings in a mans ear , write a romantic poem to a man ? could he imagine himself happily married to a man ? And does the thought of doing any of this with a woman repulse him ? If the answer is yes then he is gay . if he has no urge at all or no butterflies in the stomach feelings or lusty feelings towards a woman then he is gay . Sex is just one part of a relationship .

PinkHeart5914 Wed 12-Sep-18 22:11:04

Surely if his cock gets hard for you a woman, he IS turned in by you and therefore more likely bi, which isn’t really any big deal is it?

He’s fucked a man so 🤷🏻‍♀️I Imagine you’ve had sex with a couple of others too...

Just because he’s had sex with a man doesn’t mean he can’t be happy with you, bi people don’t want to shag anything with a pulse

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:11:25

PopC0rn
Nah, he is a ripe old 37 now and stopped watching porn years ago. The porn thing would be more of a deal-breaker for me than the bisexuality!

MVLipwig Wed 12-Sep-18 22:12:10

@jungwan
You’re just perpetuating the stereotype that bisexual people are cheats there. Why are we more ‘uncertain’?

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:13:13

PinkHeart
I really like your thinking smile

Bluntness100 Wed 12-Sep-18 22:14:09

I don't think he's gay no, not if he's having sex with you.

Bi, sure, but but not gay.

What difference does it make? Either he is committed or he's not. Does it really matter if the person he'd cheat with is Male or female?

Either it's a monogamous relationship or it's not.

Verbena87 Wed 12-Sep-18 22:15:16

he says he has never told anyone else.

He has told you. That suggests a deep level of trust and openness and I think if I was in your shoes I’d try to respond in kind.

I’ve had sex mostly with men, and once with a woman. I’m in a happy monogamous heterosexual relationship and don’t think that the people I’ve slept with in the past really have any bearing on it.

slashlover Wed 12-Sep-18 22:16:51

Plenty of women have experimental phases when they're younger.

If he is bisexual then it doesn't make him any more likely to cheat on you.

WhipWhipCrackAway Wed 12-Sep-18 22:16:54

Verbena
That is true. And that is exactly his argument. He says he has told me because we have a closeness that he has not had before. He says he has told me because he loves me not in spite of loving me.

JungWan Wed 12-Sep-18 22:17:52

@whipwhipcrackaway, I know what you mean, that doubt that you'd ever be enough. I wouldn't like that in a relationship.

@mvlipvig, well it wasn't said with the purpose of perpetuating or quashing a stereotype, it was how I'd feel. So I get the OP. How you feel is valid. If you feel extra insecurities or extra anxieties then it's reasonable to decide it's not worth it.

WonderTweek Wed 12-Sep-18 22:19:17

He may be interested in both men and women but he is with you now so hopefully only interested in you. My husband used to worry about not being enough as I have had sex with women (and men) in the past, but I don’t see my past as a problem. I had sex with whoever I fancied but now I only fancy my husband and that’s all that matters now. We’ve been together for over ten years now and have had no problems on that front. smile

BertieBotts Wed 12-Sep-18 22:21:19

Oh god I hate this stupid thinking around bisexuality. Being bi doesn't mean that you need all body parts at once, it just means that you're attracted to the person, not their body.

Sorry OP I just find it a really strange way to think and quite a tiresome assumption to boot. It's like saying if you've ever had an ex who had a bigger cock then your current BF has no chance of satisfying you... it's crap because sex isn't about physical attributes or you might as well just buy the most fancy vibrator in the shop and be done - it's mainly about the connection with the person and them having a nice body tends to be a bonus, if not actually being the case that you find the person attractive because of who they are rather than the shape they are. (Or is that just me?)

TBH I am pretty sure my DH is bi but he doesn't really acknowledge it because to him he's with me and that's what's relevant right now.

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