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To think friends reply was disgusting?

(185 Posts)
IAmASunFlower Sat 08-Sep-18 13:56:03

Friend messaged me Monday morning to make plans to come over to mine.

That same day my grandad had been rushed into hospital unconscious and given just hours to live. All the family rushed to hospital to say goodbye.

He died and I got home at around 4pm drained and just feeling like shit. I messaged my friend to tell her what happened and that I couldn’t make tonight.

Her response was - ok.

That was it. No I’m sorry for your loss etc

Not trying to make it about me and everyone should rush to my side but surely a friend can say more than ok to you losing a family member

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets Sat 08-Sep-18 15:26:46

What did you text her? Could it have been misconstrued?

Nikephorus Sat 08-Sep-18 15:29:33

Sorry, I don't buy any of that. Yes, the friend could have read the message at a time when she was in a rush, but she could have waited to reply at a point when she had a couple of minutes to type something better.
And how easy is it to think you'll do that and then forget, while the sender thinks you're ignoring them? Or the person knows you've read it and assumes you don't give a toss because you've not responded immediately.

ShotsFired Sat 08-Sep-18 15:34:19

I read it differently - as her simply acknowledging your message and not wanting to add emotional burden by writing some lengthy text that you might feel obliged to reply to.

Just because someone doesn't react as you want them to doesn't make it disgusting.

TornFromTheInside Sat 08-Sep-18 15:37:28

She was the first person I told, so you’re talking about a prolonged period of hearing “I’m sorry” then it’s really not the same

That's not the point. The point is that I knew what all that 'so sorry' stuff felt like, so now I am much less inclined to say it. She might be similar.

TeddybearBaby Sat 08-Sep-18 15:46:40

I reckon she was pissed off that her plans got cancelled! Can she be spoilt / selfish?! I hope she gets in touch and apologises!

Sorry for your loss x

PieAndPumpkins Sat 08-Sep-18 15:48:12

I think that's bullshit. If YOU have a problem with a genuine 'I'm so sorry' then that's on you. That's your issue. That is NO excuse for not offering any kind of sympathy or compassion, and honestly just sounds like a bullshit excuse to act like a prick.

kateandme Sat 08-Sep-18 15:49:22

not to side with her but could she have thought "dear friend doesn't need anyone else bothering her so ill do the quickest reply possible so she can get back to family?

Rudgie47 Sat 08-Sep-18 15:57:46

Its pretty bad but people can be incredibly selfish and serious life events really expose bad friends.
When my Dad died I went straight round to the guys I was seeing and he shouted at me because I had stopped him from having a night out with his mates.
Also when a good friend died in an accident another friend was saying to me that she wouldn't have been bothered if it was me that died!
So its not unusual for people to have no compassion for others. I'm sorry about the loss of your Grandad, I hope your friend apologizes, if not then just get rid of her.

WhyIsntGeorgeCalledPeterOrPaul Sat 08-Sep-18 15:59:24

And how easy is it to think you'll do that and then forget, while the sender thinks you're ignoring them? Or the person knows you've read it and assumes you don't give a toss because you've not responded immediately.

Tbh that's still preferable to just sending "ok".

Zippetydoodahzippetyay Sat 08-Sep-18 15:59:35

Perhaps OP didnt have the emotional energy for a phone call? Or perhaps she only had time for a quick text update in amongst grieving with her other family members? I don't see the harm in texting - it was her bad news to share how she needed to.

OP your friend was incredibly insensitive and I think I would have to mention to her how hurt I was if I were you.

TornFromTheInside Sat 08-Sep-18 16:00:05

I agree kate - at times like that, some people feel a need to come rushing to your aid (or send gushing sympathetic texts) and others take a step back trying to give you space.
There's no right or wrong way, and everybody around a grieving person is just doing their best to interpret your needs - but can make mistakes.

It's impossible to really judge the motivation of someone based on a single 'ok' message. It could be insensitive, yes, it might also just be a case of not knowing what to say or do.
Isn't it maybe nicer to err on the side of the latter interpretation?

silver1977 Sat 08-Sep-18 16:01:52

The 'friend' was lucky she got a text to cancel the evening in advance anyway imo! Being at the hospital, having bad news and dealing with a shock like that could quite understandably cause that evenings plans to go right out of your head! People don't always think straight in those situations, you still managed to let her know you couldn't make it and she didn't give you the time of day. I would be very upset with that response. Even if she was busy at the time and just wanted to acknowledge your message, as pp's have said, she should have sent a more suitable message to you by now.

Sorry to hear about your grandad flowers (took seconds to type that and I don't even know you! grin)

WhyIsntGeorgeCalledPeterOrPaul Sat 08-Sep-18 16:09:57

not to side with her but could she have thought "dear friend doesn't need anyone else bothering her so ill do the quickest reply possible so she can get back to family?

In that situation, if someone thought "ok" was better than an extremely short and simple "OK. Sorry for your loss. I'm here if you need anything", I would assume they have extreme social issues.

TornFromTheInside Sat 08-Sep-18 16:17:57

OK. Sorry for your loss. I'm here if you need anything
Different people have different views. It's a platitude, but it's not always really meant. I got fed up of hearing it. I know I'm not alone in that, as a result I'm careful about when I use it too.

Some people will say it to a stranger - I won't. Doesn't make either choice a good or bad person.

Personally I'd probably have said 'OK, that's sad - text if / when you're ready', but I can't hang someone out to dry for just saying 'ok'. For all we know, the other person might have been driving, or used Android's daft 'quick response' thing with 'ok'.
There's too many variables to just assume the other person's response is 'disgusting'.

WhyIsntGeorgeCalledPeterOrPaul Sat 08-Sep-18 16:20:20

Different people have different views. It's a platitude, but it's not always really meant. I got fed up of hearing it.

Perhaps so, but it's still better than "ok".

MiddleAgedMe Sat 08-Sep-18 16:22:00

Not much of a friend! How awful...sorry for your loss, hope you have some more supportive friends! xxx

sharpstick Sat 08-Sep-18 16:26:10

I can’t beleve people have made excuses for her on here!!

This is a disgusting response, she would have been better off not replying at all. If she was busy, which I highly doubt, she could have waited until she had time to give you a sensitive response. I’d be pulling away from this friendship and investing zero time in her I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry for your loss op flowers

Sparkles1992 Sat 08-Sep-18 16:27:44

Absolutely horrible, I wouldn't speak to her again. Ignore those who are making excuses up for her, if she was 'too busy' she could have replied later on when less busy, no msg would have been better than 'ok'.

I've lost my grandparents recently and if someone would have responded with 'ok' I'd have felt like resorting to violence- how bloody rude.

Hope you're ok thanksthanksthanks

Rebecca36 Sat 08-Sep-18 16:29:46

Insensitive if she didn't later follow it up with a fuller response. The "OK" might just have been a quick acknowledgement. If she is your friend, she'll say more.

So sorry about your grandfather.

FlamingGoat Sat 08-Sep-18 16:34:36

My mum died 4 weeks ago. I now know who my true friends are. Sending you much strength for the road ahead.

veggiethrower Sat 08-Sep-18 16:41:45

When my Mam died 5 years ago I found out who my real friends were and there weren't that many of them...
from people not evening acknowledging her death to people telling me to get a grip "it's been a month already, you need to get over it".

I know it's sometimes hard to know what to say but I would rather someone clumsily expressed sympathy and at least made an attempt. Writing "ok" is well out of order.

Sorry to hear about your Grandad. It must have been such a shock for you. Be kind to yourself - everyone grieves in their own way and don't let other people tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling.

lightonthewater Sat 08-Sep-18 17:08:10

Some people are just unbelievably crass. I remember when my sister in law died, we saw my mother the next day. She said nothing about it. When parents in law died she didn't even send a card.
When my father died my friend started looking over my shoulder when I told her to see what else was going on around her that might be more interesting.
My Uncle was cracking jokes about what an airhead my mother is whilst my father lay dying of cancer and she was his carer.

I think it's true you really sort the wheat from the chaff when the chips are down.

sunshinelollipopsrainbows Sat 08-Sep-18 17:11:19

There's no excuse for this, and especially as it was via text it's less awkward than in person as you have more time to carefully write what to say. They wouldn't be my friend anymore. I wouldnt say anything though I'd just phase them out.

Butterflycookie Sat 08-Sep-18 17:26:50

I wouldn’t message her. Wait a few days, she may message you to see how you are. For me I can’t imagine just replying ok if someone had died. You would at least say I’m sorry to hear that. I would also be messaging them to see how they are.

Some people may view death very differently...I know I do. An elderly grandparent may not matter to some people. They have lived their life and people can’t live forever. But where is the sympathy from your friend? I can’t imagine getting just an ok from my friends and I am not particularly close to my friends!

Laiste Sat 08-Sep-18 17:38:26

FlamingGoat flowers

Yes, you do find out who your friends are in a crisis.

When my father passed away it was amazing how many people would literally cross the road to avoid facing me and having to risk having to say something.

So many people these days are fine with spewing out emotions on FB with their hearts and flowers but can't face anything genuine face to face when someone is in need.

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