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AIBU with my MOH?

(209 Posts)
FireHazrd Tue 21-Aug-18 16:45:09

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

Myimaginarycathasfleas Tue 21-Aug-18 18:36:04

Actually if she has form for copying you I don't think you are necessarily BU.

I wouldn't include her in your planning, she isn't going to be that interested I'm afraid, and of course you don't want to talk about her wedding when you're still planning yours.

Brace yourself, this is only going to get worse when you have DC!

Stimmyplip Tue 21-Aug-18 18:36:46

Someone reading this thread may say British people seem self satisfied, smug and superior but then hey, it's terrible to generalise huh? hmm

Stimmyplip Tue 21-Aug-18 18:37:06

Oooops!!! gringringrin

SirGawain Tue 21-Aug-18 18:38:15

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?
Yes! So no one can make any decision which is their privilege because you are planning your own wedding? Yes that is bridezilla!

BlancheM Tue 21-Aug-18 18:40:16

You're in your wedding bubble but to other people, well, life doesn't revolve around you.
I'd have thought it would be wonderful to be able to share this time together with your best mate and be fully immersed in all things wedding.
Why are you finding things so stressful? What do you need her help for?

NeverendingSunday Tue 21-Aug-18 18:40:30

You're getting married on Remembrance Sunday?

Misses point of thread.

SirGawain Tue 21-Aug-18 18:42:12

Actually if she has form for copying you I don't think you are necessarily BU.
I want to complain. Loads of people copied Lady Gawain and me by getting married. Some even in the same year, some in the same church and even the ultimate insult on the same day!!!

Nunya Tue 21-Aug-18 18:49:30

Yes, OP, YABU! I agree with you that as a bride, you deserve your day, but that's just it, it's a day. All the days in the months leading up to your wedding aren't yours so what do you mean that you're a bit pissed off that they had to do this now? Why should their lives be on hold until you get married? You don't sound like a great friend to me because you are not genuinely happy for her. I don't see how running a seating chart by her at this time would take away from her engagement news anyway? I don't see why your opinion that she must've been instigating the engagement or him not proposing is relevant to anything.

InfiniteVariety Tue 21-Aug-18 18:54:54

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right?

This sums up everything I hate about weddings & the self-absorption they create in people

TheEmmaDilemma Tue 21-Aug-18 18:57:20

MN:

AIBU Bridezilla.

Yes. :slapdown:

Dishwashersaurous Tue 21-Aug-18 18:57:23

Never ending. Gosh only just noticed that and with spouse in the forces. Sadly must be a wind up

reallyhopethisworksNC Tue 21-Aug-18 18:58:00

she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding

This is very annoying - I had a friend who I would send photos of me in a wedding dress and who would reply “when I get married I won’t wear something like that I will wear....” and couldn’t just say “you look nice” when she wasn’t engaged either. Like I did think “we will do you when it’s your time!” Type thing BUT now your friend is engaged and it’s also her time and relevant for her and probably your and my friend were just a bit jealous or left out and wanted to join in. Just because she’s your MOH doesn’t mean she can’t be excited about her own wedding.

SalemBlackCat Tue 21-Aug-18 19:10:48

I'm in two minds here, but and I know I'd be in the minority her, OP, but I do not think you are being unreasonable. I don't understand why you are dragging her to all these planning events, as a MOH does not help plan weddings. You seem to have misunderstood what a MOH is and what the duties are. Perhaps it grates on her that you are dragging her there, but she doesn't have the guts to tell you, so is being very attention-seeking/passive-aggressive instead. Maybe she resents you too, and doesn't know how to tell you?

However it is still wrong of her to make everything about her. And if she is not getting married for another 2 or 3 years, why did she really need to bother to tell you she is engaged? I too would wish she had have kept that to herself until after the wedding, you know, not 'steal your thunder' and all that. What I don't understand though, is why on earth you even asked her to be MOH if she has form for behaving like this? I really do not get that. I don't get that at all. Don't you have another sane friend or relative that you could have asked?

LyndorCake Tue 21-Aug-18 19:25:00

So am I right in saying that she hasn't actually made any of this all about her yet? You're just afraid she will? So you're condemning her before she's commited the crime?

In my very close group of friends, three got engaged last year, all three weddings are this year. Two other got pregnant and had babies within months of each other. Funnily enough, no one was copying anyone else, that's just how our lives progressed.

Also, how long have you been planning your wedding for?? If it was years ago that this wedding fair fiasco happened, have you been bleeting on about your wedding for years? Did you expect her life to freeze while you planned your wedding?

batshitbetty Tue 21-Aug-18 19:27:08

Yes you are being very unreasonable, you do get to enjoy your day but expecting everyone else to put their life on hold for the entire planning period is completely ridiculous. Sorry to break it to you but your wedding is of zero interest to anyone but you and your fiancé (despite what brides seem to think)

bloopitybloop Tue 21-Aug-18 19:32:13

Am sorry OP - YABU - it’s very easy to get caught up in the wedding stuff but you need to get a grip.

I don’t really see how lack of proposal is relevant. DH never actually proposed to me coz we both just knew after a few months together and we have been together for 18 years now.

Yes your wedding is important to you - good friend can be excited about her wedding and happy for her friend!

organised5 Tue 21-Aug-18 19:38:00

I couldn't even read this whole thread. Yes YABU. You should be ecstatic for her!

NonJeNeRegretteRien Tue 21-Aug-18 19:44:46

Honestly i do come across a lot of people who have said how disinterested they found thei bridesmaid/MOH by their wedding day. You need to choose the person for the role really carefully.

That said, OP, you may be taking your wedding a little too seriously, just plan to enjoy the day as much as possible.

SilverySurfer Tue 21-Aug-18 19:46:50

SirGawain
I want to complain. Loads of people copied Lady Gawain and me by getting married. Some even in the same year, some in the same church and even the ultimate insult on the same day!!!

How very shocking, I hope you reported them all to the appropriate authorities?

Gretagumbo Tue 21-Aug-18 20:15:29

The whole world doesn’t stop for your party.

I fucking hate weddings and all this self centred shite.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Tue 21-Aug-18 21:13:38

@SirGawain. Silly, that’s not what I meant!

The OP was saying her MOH had a habit of copying her on other things, so this seemed like part of a pattern of behaviour, that’s all.

Since2016 Tue 21-Aug-18 21:17:34

Yabu - completely.

Why is she your MOH? You don’t sound like you like her much...

I’m glad I’m not your friend tbh.

SimonBridges Tue 21-Aug-18 21:29:06

I feel there is more to your relationship.
In normal circumstances I’d think you were being unreasonable but I wonder if there is more.

Cawfee Wed 22-Aug-18 04:18:29

You are moaning about her taking over your spotlight with her engagement but you are getting married on Remembrance Sunday, which is a special day for the whole country and supposed to be a day for the people who died in the war. You’ve taken the spotlight off that and them. But it’s ok for you? Because it’s you eh? Or is it because your day is about you and you don’t really care that much about Remembrance Sunday? Maybe she feels the same way. Her engagement is about her and that’s ok. Everybody can have their own days and their own things. Your day is special to you but it’s not her whole life! Back off and try and be normal

KC225 Wed 22-Aug-18 05:47:07

I think the poster above hit the nail on the head when she said nobody cares as much about your wedding than you do. Not just you, this applies to everyone. You expect your MOH to be excited eager to please, but your MOH sees it as a tester to nab some ideas and inspiration. Leave her as MOH but if you need help, rope in one of the sisters, DM or MIL. Your MOH won't even notice she's been sidelined because she is head in the clouds thinking about her wedding. Then you will stop feeling resentful towards her and relax enough to enoy the planning and the day.

Congratulations by the way.

pigeondujour Wed 22-Aug-18 06:29:59

When you say you've waited ten years for this, do you mean you've been with your fella ten years, or you're ten years old? Either one of those makes your bridezilla antics ten times more embarrassing.

Icequeen01 Wed 22-Aug-18 07:18:38

She's your MOH not your flaming PA!

YBVVU.

DianaT1969 Wed 22-Aug-18 07:30:18

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

Do you need it though?
What's missing in your life that you need your friend to put her life on hold while you obsess for months (years?) about a party.
Come back on MN in a year when she's dragging you around btide fairs and making you study seating plans. Let us know how excited you are about it all...

Lizzie48 Wed 22-Aug-18 07:49:51

You sound awful, why can't you just be happy for your best friend? You sound very self-centred and yes, a bridezilla. hmm

CripsSandwiches Wed 22-Aug-18 07:53:42

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.
The thing is I think you're putting too much pressure on it and it makes it more likely to disappoint you.

Also you said you want your day but you're not only expecting a day but expecting to be the centre of attention in the months leading up to that day too which is unreasonable. While you might expect little bits of help from your MOH the planning is really down to you and DH. Stuff like seating plans you two can just sort out between you.

Guienne Wed 22-Aug-18 08:29:20

You're spending thousands on something you describe as a "bloody thing"? Time to step back and think about your priorities. A wedding really shouldn't be this stressful, and the function of a MoH is not to put her life on hold and spend all her time planning the wedding with the bride.

PurpleFlower1983 Wed 22-Aug-18 08:45:42

As others have said, a wedding really shouldn’t be this stressful! The planning process should be fun unless your setting yourself up for massive disappointment! Just try to enjoy it and stop worrying about things you can’t control.

CrossFlannelCherry Wed 22-Aug-18 09:00:11

I had a friend like you once, a complete Bridezilla. Her wedding photographer happened to be a friend of my mum. On her wedding day, when the 'friends' group photo was being set up, the photographer noticed me in the group and said "Oh hi Cherry, congratulations to you and Pedro on your engagement". It was a passing comment, people went 'ahh' then forgot about it. Later I was aware Bridezilla was being off with me, I had no idea why. A few weeks later photographer tells me Bridezilla and her parents had turned up at his studio having a meltdown over him having outraged their sensibilities by commenting on my engagement. They were refusing to pay for the photos, because of his passing comment! He said to me "I thought you two were friends", well so did I. What was even stranger was she couldn't understanding why I didn't want much (anything) to do with her after that. Just chill out ffs.

Seeingadistance Thu 23-Aug-18 23:52:17

Remembrance Sunday seems an odd day for a wedding, particularly as this year is the 100th anniversary of the end of the 1st World War.

emmyrose2000 Fri 24-Aug-18 03:45:38

My cousin, my (then) best friend and I all become engaged within a few weeks of each other. I can't even remember the order in which it happened, as that sort of thing is so irrelevant. We then got married at six week intervals. It was great that we were all going through this exciting and important life event at the same time, and we were all very supportive of each other.

I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM
I have no idea why you think your bridal party should care, or be involved in, planning the seating chart, or even any other part of your wedding. Those details are handled by the people involved/who care - ie. the engaged couple and maybe their parents/hosts; not the MOH or anyone else.

Lizzie48 Fri 24-Aug-18 05:54:11

I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM

It certainly never occurred to me to bother my MOH (my DSis) with the seating plan. I did it myself, putting a lot of effort into seating everyone with people they knew, to give everyone as happy a time as possible.

I wouldn't have thought of involving anyone else in that job, though my DM had some input into it.

Aus84 Fri 24-Aug-18 06:03:10

OP, I agree, you totally deserve your day. One day. The actual wedding day. You sound high maintenance. Like those people who say "my birthday month".

Clionba Fri 24-Aug-18 06:25:15

That's an excellent point, @Seeingadistance. Are you going to have a 2 mins silence, OP?

altiara Fri 24-Aug-18 08:09:49

OP, you and the groom should plan your wedding, or get family members to help.
Obviously your friend is going to like different colour schemes to you, so why ask her when it’s your choice? She’s probably taken the sting out of it by telling you what she’d choose as she ‘may’ dislike what you like. So really just sounds like you want to go on and on about your wedding with someone nodding and agreeing with everything you say. No friends like that, it’s boring!
Just get on with your own wedding planning and the important thing is to provide lots of food and drink for guests.
You also need to start being happier for your friends, ‘maybe’ your friend was talking about your wedding and her finance brought it up as it’s a sensible time to talk about marriage if they’re talking about their future and living together.

TurnipCake Fri 24-Aug-18 08:17:02

You're setting yourself up for a brutal post-wedding day comedown OP.

Try to get a little perspective. And agree, if that is your wedding date, bit bizarre.

OutPinked Fri 24-Aug-18 08:37:30

YABU, this is craaaaazzzyyyy. I’ve read some pretty bonkers things on MN but this really takes the biscuit.

Can you imagine being due to have your first baby in November and your BF dares to get pregnant a few months before so suddenly the spotlight is on her? It’s just so, so mental.

ShiftyLookingBadger Sun 26-Aug-18 21:40:38

I couldn't even make it to the end of your post.

YABU!!!

You sound like a terrible friend, let alone a Brizezilla. Maybe enjoy the fact that you can go on this planning journey together??

Gemini69 Sun 26-Aug-18 21:41:10

My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it

dear oh dear oh dear hmm

MarthasGinYard Sun 26-Aug-18 21:43:24

If this is real Then yes yabu

Offred2 Sun 26-Aug-18 21:46:41

This whole idea that the maid of honour should take on so much of the wedding planning seems so bizarre to me. Surely it is for the bride and groom (note - NOT just the bride) to plan the day that will start their married lives. Even if the groom works abroad/military there’s email, Skype, internet etc.

Hopefully it doesn’t apply to you OP but I always get an uneasy feeling about the long term marriage prospects of a bride who seems to be planning ‘her’ wedding, rather than jointly planning it with her husband to be.

HeebieJeebies456 Sun 26-Aug-18 21:54:18

She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.

So stop being a doormat then.
why give her the honour of MOH when you know she likes pissing all over you?
Kinda asking for it....

TheMonkeyMummy Sun 26-Aug-18 21:56:12

This has to be a wind up.
No one is this self centred,
Surely.

QueenDoria Sun 26-Aug-18 21:58:35

When it comes to weddings, I'm with Caitlin Moran - "it's just a party with aunties"...

Lizzie48 Sun 26-Aug-18 22:02:13

I really don't think the OP will be back. hmm

WarmingUpWithHotCoffee Sun 26-Aug-18 22:02:42

Wow OP! Yes you r definitely a bridezilla!

Can't you just enjoy chatting about weddings and dresses and stuff together smile I would have loved it if one of my good friends had been getting married at a similar time to me!! smile

KitKaty Sun 26-Aug-18 22:03:21

Ok, I totally understand how you feel. I had a friend who got engaged the day after me, sent me bridesmaid dresses to try on two days before my wedding, messaged me about her hen do whilst I was on my honeymoon and was generally very inconsiderate. BUT you just have to ignore it, this is your day and if she’s being a dick just don’t involve her. ;)

Figgygal Sun 26-Aug-18 22:06:54

Yup total bridezilla and it sounds like you don't like your moh much at all

BewareOfDragons Sun 26-Aug-18 22:09:06

You're pissed off because they got engaged 'now', in the middle of all your precious wedding plan for a wedding in November?

Get a fucking grip and grow the hell up.

DontMakeMeShushYou Sun 26-Aug-18 22:11:24

It feels a bit like she HAS to be engaged because I am. That's what's bothering me most. Getting engaged with no intention of marrying soon right before my wedding feels like some sort of weird power play. She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.

Your wedding is nearly 3 months away (incidentally the amount of time it took to book and plan mine from start to finish) so she hasn't got engaged 'right before' it. You might have a point had she turned up in her MOH dress on the morning of the wedding with an enormous rock on her finger but she hasn't so you don't.

MissConductUS Sun 26-Aug-18 22:14:27

Yeah ok. message received. I'm insane.

That's a bit too strong. Temporarily deranged under the stress I think.

Good luck with it all. smile

goodgirls Sun 26-Aug-18 22:16:12

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

SO much yes! Shes doing the perfectly normal thing of talking to you about weddings because you are both getting married. Youre acting like a loon because you think yours is the only one that matters and she should be working for you as some kind of unpaid wedding planner!

goodgirls Sun 26-Aug-18 22:16:18

Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

SO much yes! Shes doing the perfectly normal thing of talking to you about weddings because you are both getting married. Youre acting like a loon because you think yours is the only one that matters and she should be working for you as some kind of unpaid wedding planner!

mum11970 Sun 26-Aug-18 22:18:40

Yes you are being unreasonable. How long have you been actually organising this wedding? You said she was talking about her imaginary wedding when she was still single, whilst at a wedding fayre with you but you also say she’s been dating her new fiancé for about year. You get a DAY when it’s all about you, just ONE DAY, no more.

stuckinagut Sun 26-Aug-18 22:21:21

I've been a bridesmaid six times - I have NEVER been asked to 'approve' the seating plan! I generally dislike the hullabaloo that goes with weddings, mainly because of this sort of nonsense, like this is the moment we're all supposed to prove our friendship and loyalty and the bride is afforded special diplomatic immunity or something. I notice the moment the bloody register's dry many brides don't need their 'friends' that forked out for hen dos and expensive dresses any more.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sun 26-Aug-18 22:24:48

We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go tensions are high

Calm down. You're getting married, not invading Russia.

She's your friend who'll accompany you down the aisle, wearing a nice dress, she's not your wedding planner/PA.

SparkleMotions Sun 26-Aug-18 22:27:21

Just wow!! Im astounded after reading your post OP, sorry but you sound like a self centred, spoilt brat. Just because you are getting married, doesn't mean the whole world revolves around you and others can't move forward in their lives because heaven forbid, they should steal your precious 'thunder' grow up and be happy for your friend, if you are incapable of doing so, ask someone else to help with wedding prep

Smh!

Ymamiss Sun 26-Aug-18 22:33:43

Have you watched the film ‘Bride wars’? Seriously, if not, watch it!

AlexaAmbidextra Sun 26-Aug-18 22:40:58

I need the fuss, I deserve my day

FFS. Grow up. You sound like a toddler having a tantrum. 🙄

Nofunkingworriesmate Sun 26-Aug-18 22:43:02

You don't sound like good friends at all. I did all my wedding prep, a couple of friends did v small jobs. Moh came dress shopping once that's all.

iamkahleesi Sun 26-Aug-18 22:48:21

Ha!!

CrystalMazing Sun 26-Aug-18 23:06:19

Invading Russia grin

BuntyII Sun 26-Aug-18 23:30:58

WHEN will this trend for insanely OTT weddings and CFBs come to an end? I find it totally bizarre, people seem to lose all sense of reality, throwing away tens of thousands of pounds on shite like £3000 dresses by designers nobody has ever heard of, photo booths and big light up letters, and losing good friendships along the way.

YAB so U OP that it's hard to express just how unreasonable you are being.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Sun 26-Aug-18 23:32:52

Nothing from @FireHazrd since Tuesday. I think she has flounced because we are all such meanies.

holidaycountdown54321 Sun 26-Aug-18 23:37:42

Do you really need to ask are you being bridezilla? The world doesn't stop turning because you are getting married! If your friend decided to get engaged be happy for her.

In the space of me getting engaged and married (18 months) my own brother managed to meet someone, get engaged and then get married to her waaaay before our wedding. Many guests were the same. I have never actually up until about 20 seconds ago considered he stole my thunder having a wedding before mine and marrying someone he had only met less than a year ago.

I just hope that your wedding lives up to your expectations and that your friendship survives. I think some people get so swept up in the whole wedding thing they forget what it's all about.

Two people getting married.

Lickedthespoon Mon 27-Aug-18 00:22:48

Imagine your best mate always making things about her and never letting you have your happy moments - i’d be pretty fed up too. Keep smiling smile

Verbena87 Mon 27-Aug-18 00:38:17

I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

Hmm. Life isn’t like that though. Of our bridesmaids/groomsmen gang in the run up to our wedding, one ended up dealing with bereavement and 2 with long and potentially fatal hospital stays. The universe doesn’t care about our single days - and actually it was brilliant to get wed with them all by our sides alive and well, even if it meant some pre-wedding stuff had to be abandoned. Your moh is getting married; in what way does that detract from you getting married?!

Mamawingingit1234 Mon 27-Aug-18 02:36:05

I actually feel really bad for OP. It’s sounds like she’s had a tough time. Her MOH agreed to help plan that’s why she was checking about seating charts. And I kinda get where she is coming from with them just deciding to get married rather than an actual proposal. If her friend has a form for this then she’s probably a bit sensitive to it and with what sounds like no other support group (family etc) was depending on MOH more than what’s usually expected of one.

I can relate in a way. I LOVE my bff and with that you take the good with the bad as no one is perfect. However she also has a form for doing the same at time and it can be hard as it’s important to you and therefore you think it should be a little teeny bit important them or at least your feelings about it. I was a bit gutted that after we sent our save the dates she all of a sudden moved her wedding plans from we want to get a house first to we want to do it either month 2 or 3 before yours. AND YES IT TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING TO DO WITH ME but as I’ve said I’ve know her more than half my life and it’s her MO when feeling she might be left behind.

So OP if you are still reading than yes and no. It’s not unreasonable to expect your loved ones to think of you and something that’s a big deal for you especially when they’ve agreed to help you. Vent here (actually maybe not here with all he previous posts 😂 but I’ll happily listen) and to your DF (like I did) but it would be unreasonable to say something to her and a lose a friendship over it. Some people just can’t help making it about them just like you can’t help being upset about it.

Hope it all works out xxxx

Lizzie48 Mon 27-Aug-18 02:45:52

I might agree if the OP's wedding was a couple of weeks away, @Mamawingingit1234 but it's still 3 months away! And her friend hasn't set a date, she's just announced her engagement, which, I'm sorry, isn't about her friend who is getting married.

But I do tend to be happy for my friends and family who have good news to share, as they are important to me. (And this included friends who got pregnant whilst I was struggling with infertility.)

So sorry, I don't have much sympathy here.

Albert2 Mon 27-Aug-18 03:31:57

Your friend is just excited to be getting married too. I suggest finding someone else to help you plan the wedding. If she is bothering you that much maybe find another MOH.

SummerIsEasy Mon 27-Aug-18 03:55:56

My DH was military 36 years ago when we planned out wedding. He was not in the least involved until two days before the wedding when he turned up, hung over after a stag do in Germany with his mates.

We would happily have gone without the whole thing, but my parents expected a decent wedding and to be fair they paid for it. It was their day, most of the guests were extended family and my parents also invited their friends. My parents sorted out the seating plan, so that Auntie so and so would be happy with who they sat next to. It seemed to be much more important to them to put on a show than it was to us. My own friends were rationed and put on a small table.

I was expected to have my two younger sisters as bridesmaids, because my parents wanted this, when I would have much preferred my best mate from school.

To be honest I would rather have had the money spent to save for a deposit on our first home. None of it matters now.

Frogpond Mon 27-Aug-18 04:21:31

You are not insane op. I have seen this happen a few times, one friend gets engaged, then the other friend gets upset seeing her friend in the lime light and tries to find a way to push in. Do you have a feeling that he reluctantly agreed to get married after being nagged? You also think your friend will probably be single by your wedding because the closer your wedding gets the more she will push him?
Find someone else to help you plan the wedding, be nice to your friend she will need your support if her relationship ends. Try to understand it's probably very hard for her to see you planning a wedding when she desperately wants to do the same. So be nice, listen to her talk about her dream day, but don't have her help plan.
I understand how frustrated you must be.

Limpshade Mon 27-Aug-18 04:44:03

"Tensions are running high" grin

Please calm down. DH was on the other side of the world while I planned our wedding and I was preparing to join him (he returned two days before the big day and we left the day after). In three days, I wrapped up my job, got married and emigrated.

So I'm not immune to wedding stress, but SERIOUSLY? Why does this even bother you? Just be happy for your friend!

Limpshade Mon 27-Aug-18 04:47:34

Oh and of my three bridesmaids, two were busy mums of young kids who had far better things to be doing than wedding planning, and the other lived abroad. So you do not NEED people to fuss over you right now. That is what the day is for, surely?

Lizzie48 Mon 27-Aug-18 05:22:23

I don't understand this, genuinely. If you genuinely care for your friends' happiness, surely you're just happy to hear their good news? I want my friends and family to be happy after all.

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 27-Aug-18 05:33:49

OP. Go back and read your OP.

Are you not mortified with yourself???

LellyMcKelly Mon 27-Aug-18 06:05:10

She’s not your wedding planner or your servant. You sound like a nightmare with unrealistic expectations. Most of this is yours and your fiancé’s job. It’s your wedding after all. My MOH helped me pick my dress, chose the bridesmaids dresses, helped me with my hen night and helped me get ready on the day. That was about it, and I was grateful for that.

MrBeansXmasTurkey Mon 27-Aug-18 07:39:42

Op I think ywbu to be upset at your friend getting engaged but not u to be upset at her constantly making everything all about her. Even if she is planning her own wedding in her head she could still concentrate on helping you plan your day when you are so close to the occasion. However I do think that others have identified the problem that knowing she can be a bit unreliable in that way you should not have given her a wedding planner role, that is not even traditionally one of the moh duties.
Dont cut her out but see if you can transfer most of that planning stuff to other people such as your sisters and just leave her with the normal moh duties.

Sittinonthefloor Mon 27-Aug-18 07:48:31

Yabu. It's not your friends job to help plan your wedding. It's her job to support you on the day.

partypooper14 Mon 27-Aug-18 08:13:39

Hey, I think your post is valid and I think you should stop reading the replies. This is the sort of thread that makes me hate Mumsnet. What a bunch of bitches. They’re all complete liars if they say they haven’t felt as you’ve described at some point. They just want to be self righteous and make out they’re holier than thou. I think you sound totally normal to me and I am certain every single bride there ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid, I know I did. Don’t come back to this thread, just try to enjoy the next few months. Some of the pp’s are right that a year down the line this will be in the past and really won’t matter, but that’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel frustrated, just hold on to that for a sense of perspective that how you feel now isn’t worth letting it ruin the wedding or friendship over. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time and deserve to have your day, no matter how much the bitter responses here dispute that. Your MOH will get her time and if women in general are anything to go by then she’ll undoubtedly have someone winding her up and she may realise how you’d felt this year.

I hope you’ve made it this far to read this beyond all the crabby replies, but seriously don’t come back to the thread. You’ve nothing to gain from reading anymore mean replies. I certainly won’t be back to read them... they’ll all be along the lines of ‘I bet she was like that too’. Nope, I just think this thread is embarrassing to see women behave like this.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 27-Aug-18 09:41:14

@partypooper14 - the OP asked the question in AIBU, which is not known for its fluffy nature. We assumed (rightly or wrongly) that she wanted honest replies, and that is what we have given her.

And for the record, I did not ever feel the way the OP did, about my wedding, nor did I have a 'badly behaved' bridesmaid.

And I do think it is totally 'bridezilla' to expect people in your wedding party to focus on your wedding, to the exclusion of ALL else, for months and months!!

Cloglover Mon 27-Aug-18 09:54:54

I haven't rtwt but if you knew she had a habit of turning everything into it being about her, why are you expecting her to have such a pivotal role? You chose the right person for the Job. I know a guy who is so often best man - not because he's the grooms life long best friend but because he can be relied apon to be a brilliant best man. Just because you've known her the longest doesn't mean she's the best person to help you organise your wedding. Also sounds like you have lots of reservations about who she is. Why not make some new friends and rethink the role?

WhiteWood15 Mon 27-Aug-18 10:02:18

OP you are setting yourself up for a massive fall. If you are pinning your happiness on everyone caring as much as you do about your wedding you will only be let down. Unless you are Meghan Markle no one will give a shit what happens at your wedding. Sorry!

Huggybear16 Mon 27-Aug-18 10:07:09

Nobody gives a shit about your wedding other than you. Also, you're a shit friend and no idea why you even have her as your MOH.

Actually, this can't be real. Surely no-one is this self absorbed?

proudestofmums Mon 27-Aug-18 10:08:09

So her groom is in the military and is getting married on the 100th anniversary of the end of WW1 in which so many of his predecessors died? Yes, right.

WarmingUpWithHotCoffee Mon 27-Aug-18 13:23:56

Oh come on partypooper, the OP is a massive bridezilla! There is no escaping that! The MOH is not a slave and can't put her life on hold for OPs wedding for months!!

And this is not true 'every single bride that ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid' ?????? Only bridezilla see things this way!

DH and I planned our whole wedding together. We loved giving little gifts to our guests and making them feel special on our lovely day. In the lead up to the day life goes on for everyone else! It's not their day! They shouldn't have to pander to the brides every whim!

Lizzie48 Mon 27-Aug-18 15:52:52

I expect you're the bridezilla type as well, @partypooper14 with the 'badly behaved bridesmaid' comment. What rot, how is getting engaged herself being badly behaved?? It's not as if she's booked her wedding to be in the same month! grin

MarthasGinYard Mon 27-Aug-18 16:33:27

How bloody shit to be a Bridesmaid let alone a MOH

Especially with this 'me, me' crap going on.

Shudder

dobbo79 Mon 27-Aug-18 17:21:09

My God!!!, the poor girl, she is an adult who wants to get engaged, what on Earth is wrong with that??!!!!!!??????, it’s not like she’s booking her wedding on the same day!!!, surely someone who was a real true friend would just be happy for her!!, stop being such a diva!!, you should just be happy to have her there!!!

TheDowagerCuntess Mon 27-Aug-18 18:31:01

* and I am certain every single bride there ever was has had a badly behaved bridesmaid, I know I did.^

Speak for yourself, @partypooper14 .

Maybe take a look at the reason both you and the OP had 'badly behaved' bridesmaids - maybe it has something to do with your ridiculously unrealistic expectations.

I had my best friend, and she had me. Neither of us behaved badly (what with being adults), and neither were there really any expectations on the other, other than to come along and be there for each other on the day.

That you think the behaviour described in the OP is normal marks you out.

Kool4katz Mon 27-Aug-18 19:31:31

Are you American OP, because I think the whole me,me,me wedding planning palava is probably taken far more seriously over there than in the U.K. I suspect if this was written on a US based forum, you'd have lots of posters agreeing with you.
As it is, YABU because it's daft getting so het up over an event lasting just one day.

MissConductUS Mon 27-Aug-18 19:42:52

Are you American OP

OP hasn't commented on this thread since 21 August, when it became obvious that everyone thought she was BVU.

Bridezillas know no country. grin

Lookatyourwatchnow Mon 27-Aug-18 19:46:33

I'm struggling to think of anything more boring than going through seating plans for somebody's wedding. Enough of a chore even for your own wedding.

BlueJava Mon 27-Aug-18 19:59:51

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LeighaJ Mon 27-Aug-18 23:44:00

@Kool4katz

"Are you American OP, because I think the whole me,me,me wedding planning palava is probably taken far more seriously over there than in the U.K. I suspect if this was written on a US based forum, you'd have lots of posters agreeing with you.
As it is, YABU because it's daft getting so het up over an event lasting just one day."

She's self-centered so must be American cuz no British person could ever be so self-absorbed!!!

Despite the multiple similar threads I've seen like this since joining MN. They must all be American! We're taking over the UK with our weddings, baby showers, and gender reveals. 🙄

Because it's so easy to move here from the US and much smarter to have your wedding here then in the US, if one has the choice.

Qwertygirl01 Tue 28-Aug-18 15:51:41

Call me old-fashioned, but is a wedding not all about the bride and groom and not the guests?
Sure you want the guests to have a good time, but ultimately the day is about the happy couple.
In all of this, I don't see any mention of the groom to be and that strikes me as odd. It's his day too yes?
It seems to me that weddings these days are all about getting one-up on everyone else, bigger, brighter, better and hardly at all about the reason you are getting married in the first place. Love, devotion, family.
I have to agree with the many others that I feel you're BU and forgetting the real reason this event is taking place at all.
Be happy for your friend and she'll stand by you when you need her the most.
If she's fabricating the engagement purely to mess with you, then she's no friend at all and better find out now than later.
If she genuinely feels she's met 'The One' is it so far-fetched to think that perhaps she's got inspired by your wedding planning and happiness?
Surely as best friends, there should be room enough for you both.
It's not like she's announced she'll be skipping up the aisle next to you.
Congratulations on your big day, I hope it all goes without any problems and that you and your husband to be live a long and happy life together.

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