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AIBU with my MOH?

(209 Posts)
FireHazrd Tue 21-Aug-18 16:45:09

I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.

Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!

It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.

On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?

YeTalkShiteHen Tue 21-Aug-18 17:07:16

Things about me tend to rapidly turn into things about her

She’s not a good friend then tbh, all friendships have times where one needs the other more or one has a “big thing” that the other should want to be supportive of.

Turning everything into being about her not only sounds thunderingly boring, but selfish too.

tactum Tue 21-Aug-18 17:09:18

OMG YABVVVVVU. Regardless of her engagement, its YOUR wedding, YOUR planning to do and she is doing YOU an honour by turning up in a dress you've chosen to support you. So yes, in a way it is all about YOU!!!! YOU should be doing all the graft and be emotionally invested in it, not HER!!!

Get over yourself, honestly. If anyone expected me to be interested in bridal fairs and table plans they could stick their MOH 'honour' where the sun didn't shine.

Your subsequent paragraphs just reinforce the idea that you are one of THOSE brides. Just let her out of the duty - you'll honestly be doing her a favour!

HarshingMyMellow Tue 21-Aug-18 17:10:23

@YeTalkShiteHen but the friend hasn't actually done anything wrong?
Apart from daring to get engaged on the run up to OPs wedding, which is really a day only important to OP and her fiancé.

Tagging along to OPs interests and hobbies? That just sounds unbelievably petty on OPs behalf.
The wedding fair? Always exciting places to be, I like to plan my imaginary wedding if I'm at one, and have done in the past whilst being there as a MOH. Bride actually joined in, couldn't care less.

Medea13 Tue 21-Aug-18 17:11:08

"he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it"

Bitchy implication here -- why is this at all relevant????

Dishwashersaurous Tue 21-Aug-18 17:11:23

I honestly don’t understand threads like this.

This lady is your moh and therefore supposed to be your closest friend. The one thing in life that we should want is for our friends to be happy.

So either she is your friend and be happy for her. Or she is not your friend and don’t have her as moh.

Why on earth do you want her to look at seating plans? What exactly is she not doing that you think she ought to be doing?

waterrat Tue 21-Aug-18 17:14:11

oh god OP honestly you are being absolutely loopy to expect anybody but you and your husband to care about the seating plan.

It literally would not have occurred to me to 'run the seating plan ' past anybody but him.

There is a massive overestimation of what some people expect from the bridal party.

YOur friend has a job ON THE DAY to support you and help you feel calm and happy - the preparation of the wedding is for you and your husband.

You think your friend was psychotic because she was enjoying a wedding fair instead of laser like focusing on your wishes and desires.

why the F shouldnt she think about her hypothetical wedding at a wedding fair???? She is human and trying to find something to be interested in at a seriously dull event.

It would not have crossed my mind to drag a friend into colour schemes and planning.

I say this kindly OP get a grip.

waterrat Tue 21-Aug-18 17:15:44

It sounds like you find her annoying generally.

Putting that aside - you have lost your marbles slightly to be annoyed she is engaged. Please go sit in a corner and have a word with yourself.

I honestly think weddings and brides have gone mad - its a day that you and your husband host lots of your friends and family. Its not supposed to involve hard work or commitment from anyone other than the two of you!

usernamenamename Tue 21-Aug-18 17:15:45

Sorry OP but yabvu why would she care about your seating plan shock I barely cared about my own let alone anyone else's. You be excited about your wedding and let her be excited about hers.

MsSquiz Tue 21-Aug-18 17:15:52

To be honest, you sound nuts!
I totally get having your mum or sisters to help, but it is not your MOH's job to help sort out seating plans or be a "stand in groom"
As MOH she is to be your support on the day, help with younger bridesmaids, plan your hen do. Do you honestly expect her to be fully immersed in planning your wedding without even thinking of How her own would be?!

HelpmeobiMN Tue 21-Aug-18 17:16:15

What an absurd complaint. Other people don’t have to put their lives on hold because you’re planning a wedding.

Your complaints about her being self-obsessed are more legitimate but you have to view those as separate to the fact of your friend’s engagement, because she has just as much right as you to get married and have a wedding.

YeTalkShiteHen Tue 21-Aug-18 17:16:26

HarshingMyMellow I didn’t mean she’d done anything wrong, it’s just the qualities OP describes aren’t qualities I’d want or be happy with in a so called friend.

Making everything about them is exhausting, it’s draining and it’s just a bit crap tbh.

Loonoon Tue 21-Aug-18 17:17:33

I think you are being unreasonable and risking becoming a Bridezilla. Things like seating charts and colour schemes are not part of the traditional role of a MOH it would be more for the mother of the bride or a wedding planner. Her role is more of an emotional support and hen night co-ordination.

SilverySurfer Tue 21-Aug-18 17:18:33

Re-read your OP as written by someone else. Aren't you now the tiniest bit embarrassed that you wrote it? If you're her best friend, I would hate to meet her enemy. You can't even summon up enough to be happy for her, seriously expecting her not to get engaged while you're preparing for your wedding three months away? Seriously?? And who gives a fuck how long they've known each other or that they didn't do the traditional proposal/engagement route, as long as they are happy?

Since you asked YABVU.

SenoritaViva Tue 21-Aug-18 17:21:04

If you feel this way about her why is she your maid of honour? Honestly I think you’re expecting too much of her. If you’ve been gearing up for this for ten years does it mean she had to wait that long? I remember a period in my life where everyone was getting married, we were just ‘that age’ then followed by everyone seeming to have children. Now I’m in my forties they’ve become a less common event between friends.

I think you just need to calm down a bit and realise that life for others carries on, despite your big event. At least she has opinions about her wedding that aren’t the same as yours.

PeakPants Tue 21-Aug-18 17:21:53

Stop expecting her to be your free wedding planner and pay someone if you need help with it. You say she is making it all about her. When you drag her around wedding fairs and expect her to be all excited, you are making it all about you. So on balance I think it evens out. Oh and as for expecting her to put her engagement on hold, words fail me how anyone could be so self-absorbed.

distantstars Tue 21-Aug-18 17:23:45

How long have you been planning your wedding?
As you say she was single during some of planning and now she's engaged?

YeTalkShiteHen Tue 21-Aug-18 17:26:18

distantstars OP says the couple have been together less than a year.

Everyone battering OP, are you honestly saying that you wouldn’t be happy for your best friend and want to help her plan a wedding? Would you honestly be so selfish and thoughtless as to turn it round to be all about you?

Valanice1989 Tue 21-Aug-18 17:26:54

As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing.

Why is this a problem? Is it a dig about the fact that he didn't propose to her? Or are you saying she should have postponed her engagement until after your wedding? If it's former, then it's really bitchy; if it's the latter, it's batshit.

FireHazrd Tue 21-Aug-18 17:27:04

Yeah ok. message received. I'm insane.

The non-proposal was absolutely not a point of belittlement, more of a "why now?" They're not marrying for at least two or three more years they've said, after they move in and all that. I don't understand why they didn't just do that first?

It feels a bit like she HAS to be engaged because I am. That's what's bothering me most. Getting engaged with no intention of marrying soon right before my wedding feels like some sort of weird power play. She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.

But anyway. Thanks I guess.

HarshingMyMellow Tue 21-Aug-18 17:28:28

@YeTalkShiteHen I get you.

I just think that if OP has chosen her as MOH, she's clearly quite close to the friend and knows her well enough to have preempted this.

She's allowed to be excited about her own engagement. She'll be just as excited as you are to get married.

Think, how much do you actually care about her engagement? That's how much she cares about your wedding.
The day and all the finer details are important to you and your fiancé. No one else really cares.

Her job as MOH is to support and to help things run smoothly. Not to be a general dogs body refining seating plans and helping with floral arrangements.

PurpleFlower1983 Tue 21-Aug-18 17:29:28

I deserve my day, right?

Yep! But not the months leading up to it!

Tink88 Tue 21-Aug-18 17:29:42

I don’t understand this need MoH help. Me and my husband planned our wedding. Quite a big wedding in 10 months lots of little details. We did it ourselves. Didnt need any help or ask anyone else. YABVU

YeTalkShiteHen Tue 21-Aug-18 17:30:01

I feel quite sad for OP, I honestly don’t think it’s too much to ask to want your friend to be involved in something huge in your life.

The fact it seems to have been done to overshadow OP says a lot too.

God I’m glad I’m past all that shit grin

LethalLola Tue 21-Aug-18 17:30:35

The fact you're seeing it as a fuck you says more about how you see things than her I think.
Nobody gets engaged to make an indirect point to someone else, not without being slightly crazy.
It literally makes no difference to you that she's engaged so why does it bother you? Or try to reframe it in your head- maybe her and her boyfriend saw how exciting it was for you and decided they wanted to start the process of getting married too, even with a long engagement.
More likely that it's nothing to do with you but if it makes you feel better, maybe think that.

Dishwashersaurous Tue 21-Aug-18 17:31:27

Why is she your moh? In the kindest way because you are clearly upset. Why are you best friends with someone who you think is trying to belittle and one up you. And also this is clearly not the first time

You need to think about this friendship and what you get out of it. Not because she has done anything wrong but because you clearly don’t really like her

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