AIBU with my MOH?(209 Posts)
I'm getting married in a few months. My MOH is my best friend, and she just got engaged too - he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it.
Obviously I'm delighted that my best mate has found the One, but I'm a bit pissed off that they had to do this now. We're in the middle of all my planning, with only a few months left to go (November 11th) tensions are high and plans are messing up. I need her help with all this, and I'm afraid that suddenly it's all going to turn into talk about HER wedding (which she's done before, at a wedding fair with me, while not even dating her fiance - instead of helping me, she wouldn't stop talking about her hypothetical wedding). I feel like I can't even run the seating chart past her ATM because I'll be taking away the spotlight from her recent engagement!!
It just feels like I'm not allowed do anything without her swooping in sometimes. She's forever doing stuff the minute I decide to and randomly tagging on to my interests and stuff. I've waited nearly TEN years to have this wedding, I had to finish college, get well after being very sick, survive my parents both passing, save thousands to afford the bloody thing, and a whole heap of other things. I need this. I need the fuss. I deserve my day, right? I've waited so damn long for this.
On the flipside, they're together maybe a year, and don't live together. As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing. I do believe they love each other and I genuinely am happy, I just wish they'd waited a few months more. I'm happy to still have her in my bridal party, she is my best mate, I'm just a bit peed off about it all. Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?
Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?
Enjoy the build up to your wedding! No reason she can’t get excited about hers at the same time and you can share each other’s excitement and experience
YABVVVVU. But I think you know that.
Your wedding is very important to you.
Her engagement is very important to her.
There's no top trumps. One doesn't outdo the other.
If someone's competing and its all about them OP, then I'm not sure that they are a real friend. I'd keep them at a little distance and not give them such a big part of things. Is there anyone else who can help on the quiet so she doesnt realise & strop?
I'm afraid so! My maid of honour wasn't involved so much in the planning. I wouldn't have expected her to look at a seating plan tbh, she didn't know half the people anyway! Why can't you talk about both?
Am I being a horrible bridezilla type?
Absolutely. They don't need to put their lives and plans on hold because you're getting married.
Your fiance should be helping you with your wedding stuff.
It's easy to get caught up with weddings and think that others are being unreasonable or selfish but other people have lives of their own. At the end of the day it's your wedding and although it maybe nice if they lend you a hand you shouldn't be expecting anyone but you and your DP to put the work in! You don't need to run a seating chart by her she's unlikely to care if your aunt sits next to cousin Barry!
You sound like a jealous 7 year old. Grow up. Come November 12th nobody you're going to have to find a new hobby. Oh and your suggestion that her relationship is inferior because she didn't get, or possibly want,a showy proposal is just mean. I'm 22 years in to my no proposal, no wedding marriage! Stop being a bitch and go back to your napkins.
I didn't even read past the first paragraph... my god your are being very very unreasonable. Complete bridezilla.
I hope you at least congratulated your friend.
It sounds like she's not even truly a friend op because if she was you'd have been genuinely delighted for her.
Get over yourself
Your wedding simply isn't that important to anyone outside of you and your DH-to-be.
If you can't bring yourself to be happy for your MOH, then you probably ought to rethink her role in your wedding and your life.
YABU. Your wedding day will be all about you and your husband and you will have an absolutely fantastic day however in the meantime you can't expect everyone to be as excited about your seating plans as you are. People have their own lives to live and are perfectly entitled to be more excited about their own wedding days than they are yours.
Yes you are being a bridezilla but that's ok .. have a strop party at home.about it for a few days then move on!
No one including you will.give a rat's arse about the seating plan or colour chair sashes in a year's time. And most people probably feel that way now.
Weddings usually destroy a few friendships and family relationships along the way. Take it with a bucket of salt and rememebr to you it is v important but to.most others it's exciting to see the vows but all the other stuff is just a day/night out.
Don't let the fact she is engaged come between you.. life is too short to squabble over having the same aisle piece ideas.
I say this as someone whose 2 sibling in laws decided to book their weddinfs one month before mine and the other 2 weeka after mine at short notice.. and one after had same aisle song as me 😂🙄
It’s funny how everyone expects OP to think of her friend but don’t expect the friend to do the same?
OP fwiw I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, she sounds a bit of a princess type and that would get right up my nose.
“Cannae see shite but they’re efter a bit” my grannie would have said!
YANBU to want the spotlight on yourself for a bit, but YABa bitU to expect it from someone like this.
In all honesty you were being a bit foolish if you know she has form for this type of behaviour! I get it though if your DM is not with you.
Do you have anyone else that would enjoy doing this with you?
My fiance is military and hasn't been involved much because of being overseas. So MOH, sisters ect have been helping double check stuff in his place.
A lot of my fears are comin from her past behavior - namely constantly talking about her wedding plans when she was single instead of helping me plan my actual upcoming wedding, which she had offered to do. That was ages ago and I still get annoyed thinking about it, it was kind of psychotic! Literally the whole day was me saying things like "hey MOH, I like this colour plan but don't know about the flowers in it, what do you think?" and her responding, for the WHOLE day and beyond, "IDK, but at MY wedding when I get married I'm having red flowers, so pretty!"
Things about me tend to rapidly turn into things about her.
LOL this has to be a joke.
Why would anybody factor in YOUR wedding in THEM getting engaged? It's irrelevant. You're a total bridezilla, your poor friend.
As for running the seating chart past her, why on earth would she give a shit? Why would you need to run it past her? I'm genuinely baffled. What a non event.
"Cannae see shite but they’re efter a bit” my grannie would have said!
Do you have any idea what she meant by it?
It's interesting that in talking about your big day and what you deserve and blah blah blah you never once mention your husband to be. Comes across as very shallow like you just want your big day and the groom is just a co-star.
Not everyone likes "shacking up" before marriage and I can assure you that you can be engaged and married without a proposal.
SendintheArdwolves I don’t think there’s an equivalent English phrase but it means some people can’t see what others have without wanting it themselves
Is this for real?
My DH is military too and was away for some of the engagement! Was still involved in planning when possible.
My bridesmaids and MOH were great, but obviously had their own lives too! You're wedding is the most important thing in the world to you right now....but no one else (except maybe your DP) will feel the same! They'll be excited for you, but that's it!
Things about me tend to rapidly turn into things about her
She’s not a good friend then tbh, all friendships have times where one needs the other more or one has a “big thing” that the other should want to be supportive of.
Turning everything into being about her not only sounds thunderingly boring, but selfish too.
OMG YABVVVVVU. Regardless of her engagement, its YOUR wedding, YOUR planning to do and she is doing YOU an honour by turning up in a dress you've chosen to support you. So yes, in a way it is all about YOU!!!! YOU should be doing all the graft and be emotionally invested in it, not HER!!!
Get over yourself, honestly. If anyone expected me to be interested in bridal fairs and table plans they could stick their MOH 'honour' where the sun didn't shine.
Your subsequent paragraphs just reinforce the idea that you are one of THOSE brides. Just let her out of the duty - you'll honestly be doing her a favour!
@YeTalkShiteHen but the friend hasn't actually done anything wrong?
Apart from daring to get engaged on the run up to OPs wedding, which is really a day only important to OP and her fiancé.
Tagging along to OPs interests and hobbies? That just sounds unbelievably petty on OPs behalf.
The wedding fair? Always exciting places to be, I like to plan my imaginary wedding if I'm at one, and have done in the past whilst being there as a MOH. Bride actually joined in, couldn't care less.
"he didn't propose, they just sort of mutually agreed on it"
Bitchy implication here -- why is this at all relevant????
I honestly don’t understand threads like this.
This lady is your moh and therefore supposed to be your closest friend. The one thing in life that we should want is for our friends to be happy.
So either she is your friend and be happy for her. Or she is not your friend and don’t have her as moh.
Why on earth do you want her to look at seating plans? What exactly is she not doing that you think she ought to be doing?
oh god OP honestly you are being absolutely loopy to expect anybody but you and your husband to care about the seating plan.
It literally would not have occurred to me to 'run the seating plan ' past anybody but him.
There is a massive overestimation of what some people expect from the bridal party.
YOur friend has a job ON THE DAY to support you and help you feel calm and happy - the preparation of the wedding is for you and your husband.
You think your friend was psychotic because she was enjoying a wedding fair instead of laser like focusing on your wishes and desires.
why the F shouldnt she think about her hypothetical wedding at a wedding fair???? She is human and trying to find something to be interested in at a seriously dull event.
It would not have crossed my mind to drag a friend into colour schemes and planning.
I say this kindly OP get a grip.
It sounds like you find her annoying generally.
Putting that aside - you have lost your marbles slightly to be annoyed she is engaged. Please go sit in a corner and have a word with yourself.
I honestly think weddings and brides have gone mad - its a day that you and your husband host lots of your friends and family. Its not supposed to involve hard work or commitment from anyone other than the two of you!
Sorry OP but yabvu why would she care about your seating plan I barely cared about my own let alone anyone else's. You be excited about your wedding and let her be excited about hers.
To be honest, you sound nuts!
I totally get having your mum or sisters to help, but it is not your MOH's job to help sort out seating plans or be a "stand in groom"
As MOH she is to be your support on the day, help with younger bridesmaids, plan your hen do. Do you honestly expect her to be fully immersed in planning your wedding without even thinking of How her own would be?!
What an absurd complaint. Other people don’t have to put their lives on hold because you’re planning a wedding.
Your complaints about her being self-obsessed are more legitimate but you have to view those as separate to the fact of your friend’s engagement, because she has just as much right as you to get married and have a wedding.
HarshingMyMellow I didn’t mean she’d done anything wrong, it’s just the qualities OP describes aren’t qualities I’d want or be happy with in a so called friend.
Making everything about them is exhausting, it’s draining and it’s just a bit crap tbh.
I think you are being unreasonable and risking becoming a Bridezilla. Things like seating charts and colour schemes are not part of the traditional role of a MOH it would be more for the mother of the bride or a wedding planner. Her role is more of an emotional support and hen night co-ordination.
Re-read your OP as written by someone else. Aren't you now the tiniest bit embarrassed that you wrote it? If you're her best friend, I would hate to meet her enemy. You can't even summon up enough to be happy for her, seriously expecting her not to get engaged while you're preparing for your wedding three months away? Seriously?? And who gives a fuck how long they've known each other or that they didn't do the traditional proposal/engagement route, as long as they are happy?
Since you asked YABVU.
If you feel this way about her why is she your maid of honour? Honestly I think you’re expecting too much of her. If you’ve been gearing up for this for ten years does it mean she had to wait that long? I remember a period in my life where everyone was getting married, we were just ‘that age’ then followed by everyone seeming to have children. Now I’m in my forties they’ve become a less common event between friends.
I think you just need to calm down a bit and realise that life for others carries on, despite your big event. At least she has opinions about her wedding that aren’t the same as yours.
Stop expecting her to be your free wedding planner and pay someone if you need help with it. You say she is making it all about her. When you drag her around wedding fairs and expect her to be all excited, you are making it all about you. So on balance I think it evens out. Oh and as for expecting her to put her engagement on hold, words fail me how anyone could be so self-absorbed.
How long have you been planning your wedding?
As you say she was single during some of planning and now she's engaged?
distantstars OP says the couple have been together less than a year.
Everyone battering OP, are you honestly saying that you wouldn’t be happy for your best friend and want to help her plan a wedding? Would you honestly be so selfish and thoughtless as to turn it round to be all about you?
As I said, there was no proposal so I imagine she probably instigated the whole thing.
Why is this a problem? Is it a dig about the fact that he didn't propose to her? Or are you saying she should have postponed her engagement until after your wedding? If it's former, then it's really bitchy; if it's the latter, it's batshit.
Yeah ok. message received. I'm insane.
The non-proposal was absolutely not a point of belittlement, more of a "why now?" They're not marrying for at least two or three more years they've said, after they move in and all that. I don't understand why they didn't just do that first?
It feels a bit like she HAS to be engaged because I am. That's what's bothering me most. Getting engaged with no intention of marrying soon right before my wedding feels like some sort of weird power play. She's forever doing things like this. It feels like the ultimate FYCK you in a way.
But anyway. Thanks I guess.
@YeTalkShiteHen I get you.
I just think that if OP has chosen her as MOH, she's clearly quite close to the friend and knows her well enough to have preempted this.
She's allowed to be excited about her own engagement. She'll be just as excited as you are to get married.
Think, how much do you actually care about her engagement? That's how much she cares about your wedding.
The day and all the finer details are important to you and your fiancé. No one else really cares.
Her job as MOH is to support and to help things run smoothly. Not to be a general dogs body refining seating plans and helping with floral arrangements.
I deserve my day, right?
Yep! But not the months leading up to it!
I don’t understand this need MoH help. Me and my husband planned our wedding. Quite a big wedding in 10 months lots of little details. We did it ourselves. Didnt need any help or ask anyone else. YABVU
I feel quite sad for OP, I honestly don’t think it’s too much to ask to want your friend to be involved in something huge in your life.
The fact it seems to have been done to overshadow OP says a lot too.
God I’m glad I’m past all that shit
The fact you're seeing it as a fuck you says more about how you see things than her I think.
Nobody gets engaged to make an indirect point to someone else, not without being slightly crazy.
It literally makes no difference to you that she's engaged so why does it bother you? Or try to reframe it in your head- maybe her and her boyfriend saw how exciting it was for you and decided they wanted to start the process of getting married too, even with a long engagement.
More likely that it's nothing to do with you but if it makes you feel better, maybe think that.
Why is she your moh? In the kindest way because you are clearly upset. Why are you best friends with someone who you think is trying to belittle and one up you. And also this is clearly not the first time
You need to think about this friendship and what you get out of it. Not because she has done anything wrong but because you clearly don’t really like her
Why shouldn’t they have a long engagement? Why do you have to criticise their process. You yourself said ‘you’ve been gearing up for this for 10 years’ and how you’ve had to save hard. They wanted to commit and plan together that makes sense. You’re saying she’s self absorbed but it appears you are too, might explain why you’re such good friends!
People are influenced by their friends, others getting married can make you think ‘shall we do it?’ but does that really matter?
Oh my goodness, yes you totally are!
Why do you need other people to help sort things?
YABU. My MOH had nothing to do with the actual wedding planning, she sorted my hen do, helped me on the day, that was about it.
Ultimately she can get engaged whenever she likes, “proper proposal” or not. And wether she’s getting married in 10 days, 19 months, 10 years, she’s got every right to be just as excited about her wedding as you do about yours.
You still don't get it.
Because they want to.
They're not marrying for at least two or three more years they've said, after they move in and all that. I don't understand why they didn't just do that first?
Because they don't want to.
It's not rocket science is it?
But if she's "always doing things like this" do you even like her? You don't sound like you do.
Unless it was the day of your wedding then their engagement is entirely unrelated? You don't get a whole season blocked out around it in which people cannot steal you thunder. Only one day!
If you fiance is not really involved then that must be hard. Are you possibly projecting your frustration onto your MOH? You don't sound terribly happy about any of it...
You have set yourself very high expectations that when wedding plans go awry (which they always do, BTW) it could set you up for a lot of stress. You need to be able to laugh about it and be flexible. You are zooming in with a massive amount of anger towards her, which could come out in an unpleasant way and which will upset you both, possibly for years. Just accept that she doesn't sound like the most objective person to ask about napkin colour and whatnot because she has her own agenda. It doesn't mean she isn't a friend or a nice person.
Remember this is about marriage to someone you love deeply, not just one stupidly expensive day. Just resolve to have a great day, no matter whether it rains, the cake collapses, the wrong flowers show up, your MIL gets pissed etc etc. My advice would be to get a brilliant photographer and makeup artist, so you get that single amazing photo for the wall, which is all you'll bother with after the dust settles. Stay as relaxed as you can, and chose people around you who keep you calm.
My chief bridesmaid chose the morning of my wedding to tell everyone she was pregnant. Having informed me the night before so that I spent my wedding eve discussing her pregnancy.
That OP is limelight stealing...
My cousin was my only bridesmaid, and she got engaged not long after us. We got married in July, and them in October. l thought it was nice to share all the worries and mad stuff as well as the nice things!
Hahahahaha this has to be a wind up
If not OP you sound bonkers.
The fact that you have pointed out that she was making it all about her even back when she was single suggests that you've been going on about this wedding for a long time OP. Do you really expect her to put her life on hold while you drag your 'day' out for well over a year?
Not sure if you have had ten years to plan why it's all panic now. I also planned my wedding by myself and only expected my moh to come shopping for her dress at her style and colour choice. Then turn up on the day you are very unreasonable
Why is she your MOH when you don’t actually like her? You think she is malicious in her engagement, trying to steal your limelight and self obsessed.
NEWSFLASH: The rest of the world doesn't grind to a standstill because you're getting married. people are still allowed to have lives of their own.
Why are you having this woman that you obviously don’t like, as your MOH?
I find it really hard to understand the complaints about her getting engaged. Unless I’m missing something, you are saying she has to put her life on hold and shouldn’t be moving forward because you and your event are more important? That really is very self absorbed.
You should in theory be thrilled for her because you have someone to share wedding drama with.
And why is a long engagement an issue? You said you’ve had this on hold for 10 years! Lots and lots of people get engaged to show commitment for each other without immediately planning a marriage (I’ve been engaged for 3 years with no planning yet).
YABU and I just can’t understand why she is your MOH if you clearly don’t like her very much.
FFS you'll be in the limelight on your wedding day!!! Is it only you that can be excited?
Promise I’m not trying to steal your username or opinions
It sounds odd that she's your best friend, yet you feel she's done this to steal some limelight from you. I'm guessing she has a habit of "making things about her" and it's something that pisses you off. If so, why are you best friends?
And, let's face it, on your wedding day no-one is going to care less about someone else's engagement so you'll still get the day you've been planning. If her boyfriend had got down on one knee after the ceremony and proposed then? That may have been something to feel annoyed about!
I’ve just sorted out a full weekend 2 night wedding for 150 people, mostly me on the fine detail as I’m more of a planner than my husband is. It really wasn’t hard.
Arriving to set up the marquee on the morning of the first day when the marquee company hadnt showed up... that was somewhat annoying to deal with.
But choosing flowers to go with your colour scheme? I will never understand why some women make such a drama over a party.
If you have issues with her generally as a friend, fine. But you are being a complete bridezilla expecting her to plan your wedding for you!!
No problem, I stole my username from spongebob squarepants!
Hahahaha.... of course you ABU!
I was MOH and was early pregnancy (dress still fit fine etc.) had been trying as had MC previously. Bride was annoyed with me for being pregnant...
The world doesn't stop just because you're getting married!
Maid of honour/ bridesmaids are just honorary titles.They are not really expected to do anything but turn up oj the day in the dress you have picked out for them.
I really want to think you're joking/trolling. If not you sound really judgemental about your friend's relationship with your remarks about their lack of proposal, not living together and how long they've been together.
Seriously OP. Are you 12?
You sound really quite awful. You can’t possibly be that awful in real life, so hopefully when you re read your messages it’ll just be a need to rant.
My maid of honour is my best friend, I didn't even want her to have to plan the hen night because in reality, my wedding is not her responsibility. She really wanted to though so she's planning and I'm paying for everyone. What you need to understand is that it was YOUR choice to get married, it was YOUR choice to have bridesmaids. It is HER right to be happy and excited about her own nuptials and want to share it with you, it's only natural when you're discussing weddings. Never lose sight of the fact that NO ONE cares as much about your wedding as you do. That being said, I genuinely hope you have a wonderful day and I wish you an exceptionally happy marriage
This kind of post makes me really glad I never have been and likely will never be a bridesmaid!
Why does it have to be a competition?
Why shouldn't they have a long engagement?
She's doing it because I am....ME ME ME all over this!
You don't like your best friend much do you??
Look, unless she turns up at your wedding in a big white dress complete with cathedral veil and insists that she and her new fiance cut your wedding cake, she can do very little to steal your thunder on your Wedding Day ie not Wedding Entire Year Before and Entire Year After. Thing is while you're in the middle of wedding plans no one else's world comes to a grinding halt. I sincerely doubt she's done this to in some way spite you and if you truly do believe that she's capable of that why is she even a friend let alone a MOH?
BTW there is no right or wrong way to do relationship progression, proposals, length of engagements (ironic you should complain about this when yours has been 10 years), wedding preparations - it's down to every individual couple. You did it your way and she's doing it hers.
I hope you're basing your decision on a marriage OP, you just seem very fixed on the wedding and being centre of attention. That's not why I got married, and yes I had a big do, three dates three different locations, two continents. Planned it all myself including the hen, my MOH was a star, corralled the junior bridesmaids, brought me champagne the morning of the big wedding, helped me go to the loo in my dress! Packed a little gift of bridal PJs and robe for when I was having my hair and make up done, organised some surprises for the hen. I couldn't have asked for more. You sound like a toddler stamping her feet 'but look at me, look at me!!!' it's very unbecoming. Your MOH is a person with her own life, she has every right to get engaged and maybe she's just not into the flashy stuff, and doesn't need a big elaborate proposal. You don't sound like a very nice friend.
These posts always make me laugh. I asked my best friend to be bridesmaid but here's a list of bad shit she's done. She's actually a monster who I hate.
Your moh is not there to help organise your wedding. Yabu.
If you and your fiance can't manage organising your own wedding then hire a wedding planner - you cannot ask others cease their lives for your wedding - perhaps if you are lucky your parents or family will want to help a bit but really it is down to you.
OPs long gone by the way, so you’re all howling at the moon
I planned our wedding at the same time as revising for, and sitting my University finals in two subjects, and including a vocal recital. I was living in Stoke on Trent at the time, and dh was working shifts in London, so neither of us had lots of time.
Unless you are having something akin to the Royal Wedding, I don’t see how it can provide work for a bride, a maid of honour and other family members, to the extent where the MOH cannot have anything else on her mind for the next 3 months!
So yes, I am afraid you are being a bridezilla about this, OP.
What is it about getting married that turns some people into self absorbed mini dictators? I don’t get it. Chill. Its one day. I don’t remember the flowers from a single wedding I’ve been to. Every bride wore white. Beyond that I couldn’t tell you very much about their dresses. Long, lacy, bit of sparkle. Maybe, who knows? no-one remembers that stuff.
I’m always intrigued as to what can be so so stressful about wedding planning, especially so long before the big day. You sound high maintenance and a pain. You don’t like your bridesmaid either
I think you're expecting too much from other people. A lot of this stuff should be done by you and your fiance. Is he not contactable at all? Can you not do some of it via email? This is about you and him. No-one else.
Your friend sounds a bit competitive, but you know this, so stop involving her in stuff. I would keep her at a bit of a distance for a while, as she's clearly stressing you out.
Plan your own wedding! You don’t need her to look at seating plans or anything. That is for you and you fiancé to decide on. Your wedding really isn’t that important to anyone else.
Oh my gosh, what a horrible question!
How can anyone ever be so self centred that they think someone else should put their life on hold due to your wedding plans?
I feel like this might be a fake post.
So let me get this right, she has been with her now fiancè a year, but was spoiling your wedding planning by discussing her plans when she was still single? So you have roped this poor woman into planning your wedding for over a year??
You are being outrageously unreasonable.
I'll accept that you need/ deserve your day, that does not mean the whole bloody year beforehand is yours too, you cannot expect other people to put their lives on hold.
Probably the firmest YABU I have ever given.
Get a grip!!
Idk if you are suffering from some kind of ptsd that prevents you from being in touch with reality but thread is so devoid of emotion I thought it was a reverse. In any case despite the difficulties you have faced in your life, you don’t seem to have learnt much. Strange.
The thing is, if you have a friendship group of say 6 and you’re all the same age, expecting each friend to ya e a year for their own wedding is completely unreasonable.
Marriage is not about the wedding day, that is insignificant.
I have a theory that the greater the fuss about the wedding the shorter the marriage.
100% record at being accurate in predicting marriage breakdown based on how up herself the bride was/how pretentious the wedding was.
Fucking Ada. You sound like you dislike her so why on Earth is she being your mob???
Hi OP. I totally agree with everyone else. In reality, no one cares about your wedding but you. No one wants to hear about a wedding for this amount of time. You get the one day that's it. MOHs organise hen do's, wear a lovely frock on the day, walk slowly, maybe hold your bouquet. Ideally have one dance with Best Man. You are expecting too much, even from someone who supposedly loves you. I can see why you might think that this woman is stealing your thunder. But I'm guessing she is just sick of hearing about it. Tone down the bridezilla. Show some interest in your friends life and save your friendship. It's one day. If you put this much expectation on it, it will never live up to your dreams. Good luck. X
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